Relationship over and it's all my bloody fault

[Suchafool]

Have namechanged although I'm not even sure why as it makes no difference now I suppose.

Basically I wrote a thread on here last month about the strong feelings I had for a man other than DP and how I was struggling with them really badly. I was just looking for advice and I had no intention of running off with this man, starting an affair etc (It said as much in the thread as well)

My DP has always had a really suspicious mind and has somehow managed to get into my internet history (even though I thought I had deleted it all off). He found the thread, read it and is now utterly heartbroken. He says he can't be with me when he knows I have such strong feelings for someone else (even though I haven't and don't intend to act on them but I guess that's by the by). He has told his family we have broken up and I am sleeping on the couch.

He admits he hasen't treated me as well as he should have but still says that he can't be with me when I have feelings so strong for another person. I know I will possibly be ripped to shreds on here but I DO really love DP and have tried really hard to be a good partner. I had feelings for this other man before I even met my partner, if I could have a lobotomy and remove him from my brain I would do it gladly. My DP was NEVER supposed to find out and this is basically my worst nightmare come to life.

I feel like such an evil, heartless bitch, I never ever wanted to hurt my DP and now I have lost everything over a totally one sided none affair.

I just feel utterly numb. I know theres nothing anyone can do or say to help me but I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Suncottage I have wondered if he is sometimes manipulative but (and this will sound silly) I'm not very good at 'measuring' when someone is being manipulative or not. I'm very good at being talked into being convinced I am in the wrong and the other person is right. My ex P used to do it to me all the time, he was always right no matter how shockingly he treated me. Not that my DP is anything like my ex P, my ex had a narc personality (not that I realised that until we split up!)

I went to my parents for the weekend but a combination of watching their pretty bad relationship unravel before my eyes and having to cope with my mams 'Just suck it up and he will get over it' advice was driving me mad.

OK - this is a support-the-OP website, and this post is intended to be supportive but I can see you have a lot of "stroking"-type support, so I'm going to be blunt. I hope that's OK. And it's just an opinion.

I'm afraid I read your post and I thought that if you were my son's girlfriend/partner/wife I would be begging him to get out of the relationship.

A four year commitment to a fantasy, directed at one (real) person, that you haven't (and don't actually want to) act on, whilst in another relationship, is basically signalling to me that you have major intimacy issues.

Also, the whole hunting around on your computer/finding on computer and the subsequent conversation suggest to me that, if you stay together you really are setting-up, as in "building, brick by brick" the situation described by SGB. The hunting is a bit of a red flag. Something is amiss there. and to not look at that and take it seriously is enabling the development of a bad relationship - to the extent that you seem to be colluding.

That is no way to live. You sound deeply uncertain about what you want from a relationship, and, I suspect, from life. there is, as yet, no-one else in your relationship, other than you and your dp - that is, no children. You - probably both of you - need to know yourselves a bit better.

I hear you saying you want children. Children require a huge commitment to reality: they deserve it.

to be explicit: I don't think fantasising about someone is some kind of adultery - and immoral, or some such. But I do think that that level of fantasising suggests all is not well, and you need to address it. You owe it to yourself and your partner.

I once read somewhere;

'Better a bad peace than a good war'. This is correct in the terms of actual warfare where people get killed.

In a relationship a bad peace can be soul destroying. I would write down any key points that have resonated with you on this thread and stick to your guns in any future conversations.

You have thoughts and opinions and you have a right to them.

Or you could let him take them away and you could become a Stepford Wife.

What is so great about this guy? I am struggling to see it.

Good luck

i agree with animula

you should show him this thread, so he can also see all the replies. you know a lot of people live in fantasy world about other people, i mean you think you know this guy and you like him but really you dont know him or his horrible little habits? its all in your mind. you both need closure on this ortherwise it will raise its head all the time.

i think u need to make a grand gesture to your dp, only u know what that could be - to show him how you really feel

btw can u link the original thread?

also, go into privacy settings so that when you close your browser your history is also deleted ...

one final thing, you are 32 but thats still young dont believe your world is over it is so not!

Animula I take on board your points regarding my actions not been appropriate. I KNOW that they are, in fact I couldn't be more aware of them.

I disagree that I have intimacy issues however. I fell for this man before I even knew my DP existed. I have never acted on my feelings because this man has a partner and a child.

So therefore what am I supposed to do with my life? Be alone and lonely forever because of some misplaced thoughts that were supposed to remain private and never acted upon? I haven't spent the last 4 years treating my DP like shite, in fact I have tried my best to be a good and loving girlfriend and would have continued to do so. I am not afraid of reality, I dearly want to love and be loved more than anything else.

But it seems that due to some stupid, faulty wiring of my brain I am destined to be alone. If I could give myself a DIY lobotomy believe you me I would be down B&Q this afternoon buying a scalpel.

My DP would not have trusted me anyway, he wasen't searching my internet history because of my suspicious behaviour. He was searching it because he is deeply paranoid. He has runined nights out in bars in the past etc because a man smiled at me. I have NEVER given him reason to be paraniod, unledd he is actually a mind reader and has never told me.

But you are right, all is not well in my life and relationship and I need to somehow sort it all out. I'm just not sure where to start...

You need closure from your feelings for the OM. Without you won't be able to focus on your relationship with your DP. You can't expect your DP to forgive you until your feelings for OM are resolved one way or the other.

Sorry for all spelling mistakes, I am in a bit of a state.

Oh God, leave him now

1. For a start, stop feeling so guilty. YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. It is not a good thing that you have feelings for someone else, but you haven't DONE anything. That's the point. This whole thing has become the issue it has been because he has snooped on you. Fine if he wants to finish because he can't deal with the situation, as others have said he has the right to expect to come first and the right to now feel that you can't give him what you say you are, but he has NO RIGHT to call you deceitful or to act like you have done something BAD. You haven't.

1. He is sounding worse and worse and your relationship more and more unbalanced. Right, so you are sitting there feeling dreadful at what your feelings for the other man must signify - feeling dreadful at 'being such a bitch' to your poor second-best DP. But look at the other side of the coin:

'He has issues with his drinking as it is and I know for a fact that the next time he gets drunk I will end up his verbal punching bag'

'My DP does have a habit of getting really angry and verbally abusive when drunk. Even before this when I hadn't really done anything to provoke it. Now I am terrified that it will just be 1000 times worse if we try and stay together. He couldn't offer me any assurance that this wouldn't happen when I brought it up last night.'

Right, so you fancying another man is a horrendous thing to do to him, but it's fine for him to treat you as above?? Why? Why do you want to even BE with him anyway, other man notwithstanding? He sounds a NASTY ABUSIVE CHARACTER.

1. You say you don't know whether he is manipulative. Yes he sounds as if he is extremely manipulative. He 'feels sorry' for you, not angry - but he's actually punishing you right now and what's more, you know the punishment just won't end. But instead of being honest about that, he's trying to paint it as concern? No. He sounds a nasty piece of work.

1. You really sound as if deep down you are with him because you're scared of not getting what you want- marriage, kids. For god's sakes don't go down this route, it'll lead to nothing but unhappiness. 32 is YOUNG. You have several years to find a partner you truly love and who is truly worth being with. It's worth holding out for longer and it's definitely a bad move to stay with someone you aren't right with for the fantasy idea of marriage/babies. It won't make you happy.

Move on NOW!

I agree that if the BF in this came on and started a thread saying how his GF was hung up on someone albeit only as a fantasy, I'd advise them to leave her to it, let her sort herself out etc etc. I would also say that to go looking for evidence with the express need to punish, pout and strop will not help matters. I would question the reasons for his insecurity too.

this is the GF, this our OP though. I have had a jealous insecure man trawling through my life and punishing me for YEARS.

TBH, from where I sit, I suggest the relationship needs to end anyway, one so that OP can work out where she is in her head. Give herself the space to realise that she can't really be happy with this guy if she's thinking about anyone else. She's not acting on it, she's not doing anything at all, but this bloke is using highly manipulative methods to make her stop. Pouting, telling her he feels sorry for her, is a classic. A normal person would say, I'm really not happy with it, please talk to me about this and why you need it in your life, not say that he thinks she is sad for doing it. Pity is horrifically ugly feeling if used against someone, makes them feel utterly pathetic.

I don't know for sure, but am going to hazard a guess that this guy is using gaslighting too when it comes to telling OP that the object of her infatuation is feeling things for her too... why say that? if not to stir up and confuse?

PLEASE DON'T HAVE KIDS WITH THIS GUY.

Well said shouty!

I agree with Amateurish, you need to be on your own for a bit and resolve whatever your feelings are for this other man. Until you come to terms with that and can gain some kind of closure, you are never going to be able to give yourself wholly to another relationship.

Your P was out of order spying on you like that, and he's being very immature by now using it as a rod to beat you with.

But if I discovered my DP had been secretly in love with someone else since before our relationship started, that would be a deal breaker for me. I don't see a way back from that.

Him checking up on you and getting paranoid on nights out isn't great behaviour. If you'd had an affair in the past then I could understand him finding it difficult to trust you again, but that hasn't been the case. You know it's not right for him to check up on you and go through your stuff on the internet and just have to have a bit of faith in yourself to recognise what is reasonable and what isn't. I think it is hard if you don't consider yourself to be a good judge or if you haven't grown up in a family with a good example of marriage, but your instincts have told you that all was not right here, even before your partner discovered you had feelings for someone else.

It's not a question of whether feelings are "appropriate". Appropriate is a word all about "seeming", and appearing right for a context. You're using the language of getting dressed for a wedding, or how to address the Queen.

Relationships are way more important than that.

You also seem to speak as though there are about 10 men in the entire world: Either Mr. Perfect (and he sooo isn't - because he has a big , a HUGE flaw - he doesn't want to be with you) or your current partner, or about 8 other chaps who are even less on the perfect scale than your partner.

That is crazy - there are over 6 million people in London alone - and a lot of those are single men in your age bracket.

And beyond that there is a Big Wide World.

Usually, we settle down with people either because we meet someone and click, or because we take the time and effort to go out and meet folk, and in the process of meeting, establish what we like, what we don't , what we can compromise on, what we can't: we learn about ourselves through love, and learn to love through self-knowledge.

It doesn't guarantee a marriage/relationship that takes us through the long dark years, and brings joy in the bright ones - but it helps.

I really think you need to do that.

This phrase, by the way: "in fact I have tried my best to be a good and loving girlfriend and would have continued to do so." is actually, really shiver inducing.

Love flows. it's not about trying and seeming; simulacrum and pretence.

You only have one life - try not to be frightened of it - it is so wonderful when it can be embraced with joy.

Is the reason you want to stay with him because you love him and want to spend the rest of your life together? Whatever the rest of your life brings - whatever troubles you might have together, whether you have children or not?

Or is the reason you want to stay with him because you think you're too old to start again, because if you leave him you might never find another man to have children with? Because you will be alone?

If it's not the first then really, this relationship is dead and it's not fair on you or him to stay together. You both deserve better.

I'm happy to be told that I'm wrong, but I just can't imagine a true, loving relationship where one person is obsessing about a third person like this. I don't believe you love him, except for the idea that being with him makes your idea of marriage and children possible. Sorry.

Please finish this and then have a long, hard think about what you want from your life. If you marry and have children with this man you will be miserable. There are other people out there for both of you.

... and I mean it about the Big Flaw. I wish I could invent a pill that would stop women "loving" people who don't love them. I wish I could wave a magic wand, and have them see, really see, that if Mr Suuposedly Fab was really so Fab, he would have the taste to love them.

You can like a chap who doesn't love you, but actually, really, loving him, worshipping him? No. My magic wand and pill would just wipe that out.

Honestly, your first priority has to be getting rid of your current DP, who is a nasty knob. You've got fucked radar love, sorry - previous abuser, parents in a toxic relationship - and your current DP smelled that on you, smelled someone he could guilt trip, bully and mistreat. Abusers do. And women with fucked radar often have this very damaging mindset of any man being better than no man, so if they have previously experienced a physically violent abuser, they will fall straight into the arms of a psychologically violent abuser on the grounds that he doesn't physiclaly attack them therefore he's not actually abusive. ANd when they get wise to the headfucker and dump him, unless they get some help and sort themselbes out, the next partner is likely to be an addict or a selfish, entitled manchild (ie not actively malevolent but not remotely satisfactory either). It's neither surprising nor wicked that you are fantasizing about someone else when you are living with a knob who is horrible to you.
What you actually need is at least a year on your own, no men, no dating, no partner hunting, while you sort out your boundaries.
Fantasy OM would not make you happy, either. He may well be a perfectly nice, non abusive man but he is not sexually attracted to you and doesn't want to be your partner. He has every right to feel this way and does not owe you a relationship. However, even if he did want to date you/have sex with you, he wouldn't be able to make you happy, because no one else can do that for you.

Oh and whoever said that a man in the OP's situation would not get such sympathetic treatment, it is much much rarer for a man to be in this kind of situation. Very few men are serial victims of domestic abuse to the extent that their abuser-radar is this damaged, and very few men have this deep-rooted feeling that to be alone is to be a failure and that the only route to happiness is to win the love of one specific individual.

I missed the toxic parents and previous abusive relationship.

That makes a lot of sense.

I know everyone on mn howls at the predictability of this but ... counselling. Time, friendship, lots of positive experiences, luck and happiness can sort you out - but in the immediate present, there is counselling.

Suchafool - your posts do sound so inhibited for someone who is still, really, pretty young. You sound like someone who chooses circumscribed situations, and self-blames, rather than looking for an open door. counselling can really help people see the patterns that compel them, and help change the repetition of bad choices.

Agree, I'm thinking warning signs with the current partner, but i do think it would be great to go out into life feeling fairly confident you won't choose another just like him.

i think your current relationship does not meet your emotional needs, which is why you still feel a need to keep a fantasy alive in this other man.

relationships require true honesty on both sides to meet emotional needs. your DP is bringing a lot of baggage in to your relationship with his insecurity/paranoia, and you are bringing your fears of not getting married/having babies - both of which seem to be creating a barrier between you, preventing both of you from being truly honest with each other. you need to find a safe way for both of you to state your fears and dislikes about the relationship, with a view to hopefully resolving them together, and if you cant, then at least you have given it your best shot. the fact you have not been able to tell your boyf about your feelings for this man for 4 years tells me you are afraid of bringing anything into your relatinoship which may give him a reason to end it. imo you will not be able to be truly honest with him until you are able to let go of your fear of it ending. if you can let go of this fear, then you will be able to speak from the heart. if you cant find a way to do this, i dont see you have a future. to do this you need to connect with yourself and really understand your feelings and fears. dissect them piece by piece. write it down.

and you should not be 'putting up' with your boyf having strops and getting drunk and verbally abusing you, however hurt he is. he needs to be able to find a way to communicate his hurt to you in a reasonable manner.

anyway, i'm not sure im saying this very well. sorry! i feel for you, i have been there and its one big headwreck when you try and say all the right things and nothing seems to help.

xx

just want to add that i agree that counselling may be your best (and fastest) route to connecting to yourself and understanding yourself. it is absolutely enlightening what you discover, and gives you so much strength

xx

Thank you again for all your replies. Theres so much to take on board that I think I will struggle to answer them all.

I think another problem is my DP was very young when we got together (21) and the older we both get the age gap seems to be showing more not less! I have no idea why that is.

He said last night that this has really opened his eyes to how the human heart works. He thought people (I think he meant women though really) only fell for others because they were good looking, rich or a charmer. The fact that I feel like I do for someone who is none of those things has really shocked him. I've lost count of the number his times he has commented that other man is nowhere near as good looking as him!

Kalima No my emotional needs are not being met. DP admits that he has neglected me and not shown me enough love and affection. He has been to 'wrapped up' in himself and his own problems. He says he knows he has done loads of things wrong.

Suzikettles I do love him and want to be with him (my DP). I'm probably painting him a lot worse than he is. He does a lot for me and has lot's of good qualities. This might sound awful but if I really thought nobody else could ever match up to this other guy, I would have just gone out and found a rich guy to marry and live a comfy life whilst I nursed my inner misery. I would hardly have spent 4 years with someone with no money and not a clue what they want to do with their life! I don't think I'm too old to start again at all but I am weary of feeling like I'm a failure who can't make their life work. What if my feelings for this other man never go? wtf do I do then? Live my life alone because it would be 'unfair' to look for another partner. It just seems so harsh.

People are right re counselling, even my DP says I would benefit from some.

shoutyhamster Yes my DP acting 'concerned' about my state of min has freaked me out totally. I don't need him sympathising and feeling sorry for me, nor do I need him telling me that I should tell other man how I feel about him. Incidentally I wish I had done the latter years ago. Either he would have gone thanks but no thanks or gone out with me, probably being a twat and I could have gotton over it and moved on. By trying to do the right thing I've done nothing but loose out anyway. I can't believe this has happened to me.

Going to go out now and try and get some fresh air. I can't help cynically thinking that I am the one cowering at home whilst devestated DP gets up and goes off to work. I can't even face speaking to my own mother but maybye that's the difference between man and women?

Sucha: Please allow me to bring a post back to your attention:

SpringchickenGoldBrass Tue 24-May-11 12:16:30
Honestly, your first priority has to be getting rid of your current DP, who is a nasty knob. You've got fucked radar love, sorry - previous abuser, parents in a toxic relationship - and your current DP smelled that on you, smelled someone he could guilt trip, bully and mistreat. Abusers do. And women with fucked radar often have this very damaging mindset of any man being better than no man, so if they have previously experienced a physically violent abuser, they will fall straight into the arms of a psychologically violent abuser on the grounds that he doesn't physiclaly attack them therefore he's not actually abusive. ANd when they get wise to the headfucker and dump him, unless they get some help and sort themselbes out, the next partner is likely to be an addict or a selfish, entitled manchild (ie not actively malevolent but not remotely satisfactory either). It's neither surprising nor wicked that you are fantasizing about someone else when you are living with a knob who is horrible to you.
What you actually need is at least a year on your own, no men, no dating, no partner hunting, while you sort out your boundaries.
Fantasy OM would not make you happy, either. He may well be a perfectly nice, non abusive man but he is not sexually attracted to you and doesn't want to be your partner. He has every right to feel this way and does not owe you a relationship. However, even if he did want to date you/have sex with you, he wouldn't be able to make you happy, because no one else can do that for you.

I hope she comes back again and responds to your latest post, but you love, are in denial. He does lovely stuff for me too.... They all do, even the ones that put you into intensive care.

Stop making excuses for him, please, you are damaging yourself further.

"Going to go out now and try and get some fresh air. I can't help cynically thinking that I am the one cowering at home whilst devestated DP gets up and goes off to work. I can't even face speaking to my own mother but maybye that's the difference between man and women?"

No love, that is the definition of a LYING ABUSIVE TWAT and his VICTIM. He doesn't care, he is NOT devastated, he is bludgeoning you into submission, he is manipulating you and secretly loving every minute. Isolating you from work, from your family.... it's all there!