Relationship over and it's all my bloody fault

[Suchafool]

Have namechanged although I'm not even sure why as it makes no difference now I suppose.

Basically I wrote a thread on here last month about the strong feelings I had for a man other than DP and how I was struggling with them really badly. I was just looking for advice and I had no intention of running off with this man, starting an affair etc (It said as much in the thread as well)

My DP has always had a really suspicious mind and has somehow managed to get into my internet history (even though I thought I had deleted it all off). He found the thread, read it and is now utterly heartbroken. He says he can't be with me when he knows I have such strong feelings for someone else (even though I haven't and don't intend to act on them but I guess that's by the by). He has told his family we have broken up and I am sleeping on the couch.

He admits he hasen't treated me as well as he should have but still says that he can't be with me when I have feelings so strong for another person. I know I will possibly be ripped to shreds on here but I DO really love DP and have tried really hard to be a good partner. I had feelings for this other man before I even met my partner, if I could have a lobotomy and remove him from my brain I would do it gladly. My DP was NEVER supposed to find out and this is basically my worst nightmare come to life.

I feel like such an evil, heartless bitch, I never ever wanted to hurt my DP and now I have lost everything over a totally one sided none affair.

I just feel utterly numb. I know theres nothing anyone can do or say to help me but I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Mouseface She cheated on him with a guy who was in a band, he then found out about it weeks later from a 3rd party. It has totally coloured his opinion of women I think.
Just to make it utterly horrifc the man I have feelings for is in a band! wonderful eh, history repeats itself for him. But in my (flimsy) defence, I fell for this man a LONG time before he was in a band. My feelings have no relation whatsoever to the band, it is just shit bad luck.

My DP is younger than me, he is 26 and I'm 32, we have been together since he was 21 (so so young I know)

Mouseface If the shoe was on the other foot I don't think I could stay with him. I would need to be the only person in my partners heart and if I wasen't I couldn't cope. So I do understand how he feels and how shitty my behaviour is. I have told him I love him and that he means the world to me. But then he asks " Do you love this other guy?" and all I can honestly say is that I don't know. Yes I care for him deeply but it's not that same as loving a partner who is in your life day in day out. The 2 aren't really comparable.

The grass isin't even that lush, other man is no looker, my DP leaves him for dust in the prettiness stakes. Yet I want to see his face more than anyone elses in the world, go figure that one out, I can't

DP has come home when I didn't expect him, will have to go xxx

Hmmmm...where to start.

I can understand how he is feeling. In some ways its worse than a casual one off drunken shag at the office party as even though you haven't acted on it, it is obvious to your DP that your heart lies somewhere else. The fact he may or may not deserve it has nothing to do with it really, its an emotional betrayal to a 'real' and 'ordinary' person and not some celeb fantasy.

I reckon the only way you could salvage (if you wanted to..i'd have to ask myself if I really wanted to if things had reached this state) it is if you can persuade him to accept that things have been rubbish but because you love him so much you haven't yet strayed, preferring instead to live a secret fantasy, but if he is willing to stop being a cock and contribute properly then there would be no need for a fantasy fella.

Reading that it seems a bit crap but hopefully you get what I mean.

Oh such you poor thing.

Obviously it would hurt your DP to read that you had feelings for someone else, if I found something similar by my DP I'd be gutted.. and you say he's always had trust issues? It seems like he wanted to find something and has siezed upon it.

All you can do is reiterate that you didn't act on your feelings, that you love your DP and you want to work at it with him.

Please consider this though - are you just "settling" for your DP (regardless of this other bloke). Is it because he's the safe, familiar option or do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him?

Of course she's settling for him.

"Yet I want to see his face more than anyone elses in the world"

Ergo, your dp is second best. Really, if the shock of your dp finding this stuff wasn't enough for you to stop posting it (and risk him reading more) then you do not care that much for him.

I really don't think you should be in a relationship with anyone until you can get over this.

I hope him being home now means that maybe you can talk about this some more.

Come back when you can xx

Also - The more you post the more I think that actually, you're being used to take the fall for his XGF. I'm not saying that you are angelic in this but I almost want to ask you 'what's the point' of staying with your DP if this is going to go round and round and be wheeled out as a weapon if you have any furture spats?

Is it worth it?

Really? If DP is having to share your emotions with another man, then I can't see how this relationship has any real furture....

Sorry xx

Ah, now I remember your other thread. Well, you've been wrestling with these feelings and trying to figure out why you have them -- not perving over this other guy. I think there's a significant difference there.

As I think people said on your other thread as well, it seems the real work is in getting to the bottom of what the other guy symbolizes for you -- whether there is some facet of you that is longing for expression and he is, to you, a manifestation of that rather than simply a person. Some possibilities: He could represent a person from your past, someone from your family, your own desire to express yourself artistically . . . or I could be talking complete bollocks.

But it does seem there must be something else going on emotionally to fuel this so-called crush.

My abusive X did this, trawling through my past and punishing me for it.

What did this bloke mean when he said he hasn't treated you as well as he should have done?

You are 32 FFS, you have every right to think what the hell you like. His jealousy/insecurity is his problem, you are not going to act on anything.

I don't like the sound of this guy, not one little bit, there are - for me - red flags fluttering at full mast everywhere. If he's not abusive now, I reckon he may just end up being so in the future.

From where I am sitting, you seem to be well shot of this bloke.

Your DP is not hurt and upset, he is fucking delighted. Now he has a justification to mistreat you as much as he likes, spy on you, harass you, emotionally blackmail you into sex, probably leech off you for money as well. Because every time you disagree with him or don't instantly give into whatever whim he's just had it will be 'See? You don't really love me! Otherwise you'd give me everything I want. I don't know if I will ever get over your wickedness' etc, etc. Bin the DP. SPend some time on your own. Fabulous OM is a fantasy and will never be anything more, but there are nice men out there, plenty of them.

Maybe it's like (and I hope you don't think I'm being flippant here but this is just the best example I could think of quickly) how Scarlett O'Hara spends most of Gone with the Wind sighing after Ashley Wilkes. Why? Not because Ashley is right for her, but because he represents what she thinks she wants, which is to be a perfect, gracious Southern lady in the mold of her own mother. She thinks if she marries Ashley that's who she'll become, so on a level so deep she doesn't see it herself, she deceives herself and convinces herself she is in love with him. No: She's in love with a (completely wrong) idea of who she would be if she could be with him.

Maybe if you can figure out who you think you'd be if you were with this band guy, you might have the key to this whole thing.

I don't know your other thread, but if your DP has been treating you badly, then this is not a relationship that has any future, even without your feelings for someone else. I think that if you stay together he will use it as a stick to beat you with, if he isn't kind to you generally. The only way you could stay together is if he accepts a relationship in which you are settling for him, he agrees never to throw it back at you ever and you agree to have no contact with this other person ever. Can either of you do that?

I also don't think there is any future in a relationship where one person is half in love with someone else. I know it was wrong for him to read your thread, but you haven't exactly been honest with him regarding your feelings either. If I found this out about my husband, I'd be totally gutted and wouldn't want to remain married to him any longer. I think I should be the only person he's in love with and I certainly don't think he should be hiding confused feelings from me because I'd have a right to be in full possession of all the facts when deciding my future.

As hard as it is now, I think you'd be best to go your own separate ways, at least for now

What SGB said, though I think your not-so-D P isn't necessarily evil, just maybe really immature. But either way he's done you a favour. My he's enjoying rubbing your nose in it, isn't he? You're on the sofa - why of course. He needs the whole bed to roll around in in agony I guess...

You haven't done anything wrong, basically. Not that your DP doesn't have the right to say he can't live with being a perceived second best, of course. But - spying on your internet use? Snooping on you? You describe it yourself as being like stalking. There is a veritable forest of little red flags waving here. Take him at his word and say fine, I'm out. You can do a lot better than this - fantasy man or no.

Here's a wee test. Go and tell him that you're sorry it's come to this, you agree that it's over, let's start making arrangements. If he says fine - then all well and good. However I have the distinct feeling that you'll suddenly start hearing that maybe we shouldn't be hasty, and maybe given time and lots of reassurance he might, just might be able to forgive you and move on. If it's the latter, then you know a. He's not crushed by this - just angry and wants to punish you and b. that if you stay with him, this will just be the first of many 'transgressions' you'll spend your life endlessly making up for. A handy term for it is 'controlling wanker'. So far, he's shown all the signs.

You lot are so contrary. I bet if a woman posted up saying she found out her bloke was in love with another woman you'd all be telling her to dump him.
Be consistent. Of course this bloke is heartbroken, and rightfully so. He's just found out that the woman who he loves is actually in love with another man. That my, my friends, is the long and short of it and he's right to walk out.

But gawdon, do you really think it's that simple? She's not really "in love" with this other guy. It's a sort of obsession that makes her unhappy and that she has been trying to understand and overcome. They have very little actual contact, and there certainly hasn't been an affair.

If a woman had posted here to say she had a 'gut instinct' about her DH, there would be a significant number of posters who would advise her to do just what the OPs DP did: find evidence. I have seen a number of threads that have given very explicit advice re how to find deleted internet history etc. yes, there would have been some posters saying it is wrong to snoop, but more would have been egging her on. Ops partner clearly had his reasons for snooping and tbh, it appears he was correct. She may not have acted on her feelings, but he has it in black and white that she has these strong feelings for somebody else and it probably does make him feel second best. If I found out that my DH had harboured strong feelings for somebody else for such a long length of time, I would feel gutted and would be questioning our relationship and whether I wanted to continue. Just as women experience shock when they discover such things about their partner, so, I expect has this man.

gawdon - I see you're here to 'balance' this out.

Such has not said she's 'in love' with the other chap. She said she has feelings for him. Nothing more has happened. Why should the relationship be over? Surely this has to be up to her whether or not she can give 100% to her DP or not which is what he wants.

I think that if they do stay together, this will be his weapon of choice for every future blip. Again and again and again.

Plus, if you've been with someone for five years and never gotten over another, is there any point to the relatiosnhip anyway?

PS - it doesn't matter to me who this is posting, male or female, my advice would be the same.

I could not be in a relationship with someone who had such strong feelings for someone else , so i can understand his reaction . Your attatchment to this other guy , the fact he hasnt treated you well screams that this isnt right for you .

Hi again everyone, thank you for all your replies since I had to leave yesterday.

Me and DP tried to talk last night but I'm not really capable of a reasoned argument. I just go from feeling dreadful for being such a bitch/apologising/ telling him I love him and he isin't second best/to getting almost angry with him for 'ruining things' by finding out (I KNOW I have no right to be angry btw).

He wants to know if I 'love' this other man more than him and I've told him of course I don't, you can't compare your percieved feelings for someone you barely know to the feelings you have for someone who is 100% in your life. But I don't think he is really listening. He says I am kidding myself about the depths of my feelings for this other man. He has even tried to tell me that I should tell this man how I feel about him as he thinks if I don't I'm going to be trapped feeling like this forever.Then he says he wishes I was as 'obsessed' with him as I seem to be by this guy. I just don't know what I can say/do to make this better? Plus he's started to go through all this guys past behaviour that he has observed and decided that it indicates that he might like me as well. That's the last thing I need to hear frankly, it just f**ks my head up even more! Then I feel this tiny glimmer of hope when he says it and feel even more confused/more of a bitch than ever.

He says he feels sorry for me as he can see how much pain I am in. Well the pain I WAS in is 500 times worse now isin't it? He says he doesn't want us to split up, then he says he 'Want's to stay friends'. I don't want to loose him but I honestly don't see how we can move forward from this. He has issues with his drinking as it is and I know for a fact that the next time he gets drunk I will end up his verbal punching bag. I just feel physically and mentally exhausted at the thought if trying to get over this. I'm not a bad person and the mental imagine of having to 'prove' myself all over again is making me feel ill. I am a terrible, terrible person I know.

I haven't gone to work today cos I can't face anyone. I've tried posting on other peoples threads on here to take my mind off it but I just feel like total
shite. I honestly wish I had never set eyes on this other man, I tried moving on with my life and it's still come back to bite me on the arse. I feel trapped by my own brain, is my life just destined to be ruined by this? sometimes I feel it is tbh

Everyone has a right be be upset, cross, offended or jealous at some point.

The difference between a healthy relationship and one that is potentially damaging is IMVHO if the 'victim' exacts revenge and keeps dragging it up to use to punish over and over and over.

Sucha: if your BF has a habit of getting drunk and rehashing all this so you are forced to apologise over and over and over, then it's not healthy, and you need to let it go, before real damage is done.

You are NOT a terrible terrible person, and for a supposed boyfriend to be constantly telling you that you are is not right. Our job as partner is to support one another, not destroy them. If he keeps doing this to you, how can he honestly wonder why you would need a fantasy figure in your life to make you happy? This other bloke is most likely a catalyst, a safety blanket for your soul.

This boyfriend has now upset you enough, OVER NOTHING, to make you take a day off work.... Carry this on and you will be out of a job! This is how it starts, the slow wreckage of your life. Wake up love, please. Your life seems to be being ruined by someone much closer to home than the object of your affection....

You are not a terrible person, you are a confused person who is in a relationship with lots of problems.

No one can help how they feel. Now if I was your DP I wouldn't want to go on knowing that you have these feelings for someone else. If he feels like that too, then he can no more help it than you can help your own feelings. The fact that you feel hope at the possibility that this other man feels something for you too is a giant clue that you need to end this current relationship and sort your head out. I can't honestly see anything getting better if you stay together. Your DP will throw it back at you everytime you have an argument, and you cannot truthfully say that he is the only one for you so this will never be fully resolved.

The only thing you can do is control your own behaviour. You haven't cheated or behaved inappropriately with this other man so you are a trustworthy person. Don't let your partner tell you otherwise. His own behaviour in this relationship hasn't been outstanding, so when it comes down to it, there is fault on both sides. Him for not being a good, kind partner and you for not being totally honest about your feelings.

Really, I think you'll get a lot more perspective if you have some distance because together you and your partner are not having a healthy relationship.

I think he sounds a bit manipulative IMHO. You are letting him be manipulative.

Can you take a week away somewhere on your own? Just time out to think.

And then not go back?

Herhissyness To be fair to my boyfriend he isin't telling me I am a terrible person. He says he feels more sad/sorry for me than angry. It is me that thinks I am a terrible person, not to mention an immature, selfish one who is incapable of sorting her life into anything resembling what she want's it to be.
My DP does have a habit of getting really angry and verbally abusive when drunk. Even before this when I hadn't really done anything to provoke it. Now I am terrified that it will just be 1000 times worse if we try and stay together. He couldn't offer me any assurance that this wouldn't happen when I brought it up last night.

Karmabeliever I think we do need some space, I am just so angry at myself for ruining everything. All I ever wanted was a husband and a family and I'm no nearer my goal at 32 than I was at 22. I try and stay positive but I can honestly see myself ending up alone. I have had problems in the past with self harm etc and sometimes things like this convince me that life really isin't worth living. I've been trying to improve myself and my relationship lately and making loads of effort. I just honestly don't believe to be kicked in the teeth like this and I feel so guilty for wounding my DP. I love him and I would never want to hurt him.

The double standards on this site are shocking. The OP says that she wants to see his (the OM's) face "more than anyone else's in the world" and yet some people on here dump on her husband for finding out and being upset about it. I would be worried if he was not upset.

In short the OP needs to work out what she really wants. The fact that she experienced a glimmer of hope and excitement when her husband suggested that the OM might feel the same for her, suggests that she still harbours deep feelings for the OM and needs to make a firm decision. It's not fair to transpose this onto her other half by suggesting he might use this as an issue in future arguments. Of course he might, his trust has been shat on from a great height.

The OP needs to make a decision. Either cut off all contact with the OM and vow never to see him again or separate and go and see if it might work with the OM. What is unacceptable is to keep your husband tagging along while you harbour fantasies about another man. If this were the other way around, this thread would be going feral about what an arch villain he is. No one is a villain here, these things happen but what is wrong is to prolong the situation rather than facing up to tough decisions.

I am going to sound like a total cliche here, so apologies in advance, but getting married is not going to make you automatically happy. Marriage can be wonderful, but only if it's to the right person. If you marry the wrong one, then you will end up thoroughly miserable. If you read the threads on here there are a hell of a lot of women trapped in unhappy relationships because they have children and feel they can't just leave.

Also, 32 is young. You have many years ahead of you to meet the love of your life (and as much as you love your DP, it doesn't sound like he is the one for you) and to have babies. If you don't meet someone who makes you feel absolutely secure and happy and loved, then there is nothing stopping you from having a baby later on by yourself, even if that's not what you would have chosen ideally.

The worst thing would be to settle for someone who isn't right for you, have children and then feel like you were wasting your life because you had 'settled' and to be stuck with someone who isn't always kind to you or who holds things against you that you cannot help feeling.

Your life is worth living. You can't say for sure that something amazing isn't around the corner for you and I would urge you to talk to someone professional and get some help if you are feeling the urge to self harm again.