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Original poster

MIL told ten year old DD that she hates her sometimes

53 replies

sandyballs · 20/05/2011 15:32

Quick background, I'm livid and waiting for DH to come home to discuss how to approach his mum. DDs are 10 and in laws have been collecting them from school two or three times a week for years.

MIL is a complicated person but I have always trusted her with the girls and thought they had a close loving relationship until recently. I have noticed that she has a soft spot for DT1, thinks she can do no wrong and is harsher with DT2 and I have mentiond this to DH on several ocasions over the last few months but he thinks I'm over sensitive about it all. A friend of mine also commented on her different attitude to the DD's.

Anyway, this morning DT1 said that yesterday after school she and her sister had been playing around with a teddy, grabbing it off each other and running off up the garden, and DT2 had taken it a bit far and refused to give it back causing a row. MIL then said to DT1 'I hate that girl sometimes'. DT1 said she was shocked and said to her nana 'You can't really mean that nana' and she replied 'Yes I do'. Sad

So what now, I haven't rung MIL even though I really want to, but think DH should deal as it is his mother. DT2 heard the comment and told me it had upset her but she has heard her say it before Sad. She has low self confidence as it is and is having a hard time at school at the moment with friends, as well as her body changing etc and I could sit here and cry at the thought of her hearing her nana say that to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
sandyballs · 20/05/2011 16:04

bump

OP posts:
Ormirian · 20/05/2011 16:07

Yes DH should deal with it. MIL needs to talk to DT2 and ensure she knows she didn't mean it and she loves her. And it was just irritation talking.

And also tell MIL that if she can't keep her nasty comments to herself she won't be spending time with the girls again.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2011 16:34

Would concur with your DH talking to your mother and I would just add as soon as possible. He needs to be able to stand up to his mother; his loyalty is to you his wife and his children now.

You used the word "complicated" with regards to MIL; was wondering why that is. Does this particular lady like having her own way all the time, is she difficult by nature, do your yourself like spending time with her?.

I would also say that her overt favourtism is damaging to both girls and will affect their relationship to its detriment with each other as they get older.

squeakytoy · 20/05/2011 16:37

I would say to your daughter that what her grandmother meant to say is "I love you dearly, but sometimes I dont like your behaviour"... and then ring your MIL and tell her that is what she should have said, as her harsh words have had an upsetting effect on her grandaughter.

SuchProspects · 20/05/2011 16:39

If your MIL has been favouring DT1 for some time it clearly isn't "just" irritation talking. And if you've noticed it your DTs almost certainly have. Still, you need to think about how serious it is for your daughters (I know it's made you cry - but are you more upset by it than DT2)? Do you think it's part of what is making DT2 low in confidence? Or does DT2 have more issues with friends and social situations generally and really her relationship with MIL is very positive for her, this just being a little blip she'll forget by next week?

Have you thought about what you'd like your DH to achieve by talking to his mum? What do you think is a realistic and good outcome?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 20/05/2011 16:43

Dont agree that only your DH can handle this. On the contrary. She will lie to him. i would ring her up yourself and ask her directly why she has said she hates your daughter sometimes - and that it is not apparently the first time she has said it.

i bet she comes back at you with either denial,
sweetness and light
claptrack and aggression
a mixture of all of the above.

They are your dcs and she is (unfortunately) your MIL.

Tell her where to get off now.

Bloody divide and rule mothers or grandmothers or MILs. They are a bloody menace.

You can tell the girls quite simply that 'if she can't be nice and kind to you both then she has lost a right to see either of you'

If DH sticks up for his mummy, tell him he can move in with her.

SingingSands · 20/05/2011 16:49

I don't think you should send DH round - I think you need to present a united front and go together. Show your daughter that her parents will stand up for her.

It was a stupid comment to make, and I think you need to call her on it.

If you had a "cooling off" period between you, how would this affect your daily routine? (you mentioned that in-laws do the school pick up)

Ormirian · 20/05/2011 16:54

"isn't "just" irritation talking"

Maybe but how else to explain it to a child? Hmm 'Sorry darling granny really can't stand you'?

droves · 20/05/2011 17:03

omfg ! your mil is nasty.

SuchProspects · 20/05/2011 17:05

Fair point Ormirian. I'm not sure it's good to think you constantly irritate your granny either, but I am at a loss for an explanation that is honest and nice.

NanaNina · 20/05/2011 17:12

I agree with Squeaky Toy. I think some posters are urging you to make far more of this than is necessary. I am a MIL and pick up gr/chdrn from school. I love them both the same but I said to the older one recently "Oh you used to be so sweet when you were little, not nasty like now" - she and her sister are my whole world and I love them dearly, but it just slipped out, sort of half joking, and my grdgt said "I'm not nasty now" and i said "no of course you're not" - I was just thinking of the innocence in her when she was 2 and 3 and now at 11 she rolls her eyes at me! I couldn 't really explain this to her. I worried after that she might say something to her mom or dad but I know they know how much i love both my gorgeous grandgirls!

I think what always happens on these MIL threads is that those who have difficult relationships with their MILS pile in to say "tell her where to get off" etc etc and I think that's really unfair, as weare all different (even us MILS) and it's a 2 way street, I have to be a bit careful with one of my dils as she is touch insecure and can say some hurtful things, and I just let it pass.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 20/05/2011 17:19

Sorry nananina, but I think ' "Oh you used to be so sweet when you were little, not nasty like now" ' is a flippin terrible thing to say to a child. They don't and can't rationalise that you were 'joking' Hmm

In fact, of course, you weren't joking - the trurth just slipped* out

You are the adult fgs. Bite your lip and stop pretending that these little nuances in phrasing really are just nanny silliness.

You wouldn't say it to a friend would you.

So don't say it to your own grandchild.

NanaNina · 20/05/2011 17:59

UA - I find you posts often helpful but often "OTT" like this one. You weren't there - so you won't know I was stroking her face at the time I said it and I hugged her when I said "of course you're not" - I would have said how much I loved her but her friend was also in the car and I didn't want to embarrass GD. SO UA, you have mind reading skills (where did you learn those I wonder) and somehow know that I wasn't joking and the truth just slipped out. You are quite quite wrong, but I don't have to defend myself to you. I think you are a MIL hater anyway, and as far as you're concerned, we are not fit to roam the earth. As I type my lovely grandgirls are here with me eating fish fingers and chips and are asking if they can stay 2 nights instead of one...................so I don't somehow think there is a problem.

I think your post says more about you than it does about me.

diddl · 20/05/2011 18:42

Well, she wouldn´t be seeing my daughter again.

It´s a disgusting thing to say.

MIL being "complicated"-does that mean that she can say what she likes & everyone else has to put up with it because it´s "the way she is", but care has to be taken about what is said to her for fear of upsetting her?Hmm

NanaNina · 20/05/2011 19:02

You know diddl - children have a right to enjoy a relationsip with their extended family, especially grandparents. NB It doesn't work the other way round, it's the children that have the rights not the adults and this is a presumption in law, not just some half baked idea of mine.

Another MIL hater I reckon.

I just hope some of you DILs who have sons, realise that one day you will in all probabability have DILs in your family one day. I hope for your sakes that they are kinder than you are, even though many of you young mums don't deserve it.

Why are so many of you interpreting MIL being "complicated" as something very negative and everyone has to put up with her because she's "like that" but care has to be taken about what is said to her. You might be right, but I find it quite extraordinary the way so many of you jump to the same conclusion.

diddl · 20/05/2011 19:05

Sure, the little girl needs a relationship with someone who hates her.

She didn´t even try to "lessen the blow" when given the chance.

No, I don´t hate my MIL-I have no feelings about her at all tbh.

UrsulaBuffay · 20/05/2011 19:06

My God! I'd deal myself I think, your daughters need to see a positive female role model after her letting them down on that score & it will remind MIL just who she is talking to. I am Angry on your behalf.

pink4ever · 20/05/2011 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Eglu · 20/05/2011 19:08

I think it is awful that she said it to your child, and then reiterated it. I feel sorry for both your DDs

bluebobbin · 20/05/2011 19:09

I wouldn't say anything to MIL at all. I would just talk to your DDs and tell them that MIL loves the both but just lost her temper. And also to add for your DDs to report any further problems to you. Honestly I think it's being blown out of proportion. Children can be so frustrating and MIL said the wrong thing, that sounds like all it is. Also tell your DDs to behave themselves when MIL is looking after them - MIL is presumably an OAP or nearby and sometimes women of this age have a lot less tolerance. My mum certainly has less tolerance now than she did when we were children and that's fine because her role is now different.

Additionally it sounds like MIL is doing you a lot of favours. Bearing this in mind, she may feel really offended if you (or DH, it's really irrelevant who it comes from as it's obvious that you would have both discussed it) pick her up on a one off comment she made in frustration.

jesuswhatnext · 20/05/2011 19:12

if my mother or my mil said something like that to my child i would cut contact forthwith! - many people are 'complicated', it is not an excuse to be bloody nasty!

fwiw, my dd is 19 and has always had a fantastic relationship with both sets of grandparents which has helped shape the person she is now, she has recieved unconditional love and support and enjoys spending time with them and i hope i can be just as loving and caring to any grandchild i may have.

i would also like to think that if a child needed chastising for being 'nasty' that i would do it in a more constructive way - things just dont 'slip out' ime!

SuchProspects · 20/05/2011 19:13

NanaNina - If the grandma is favouring one daughter over the other as the OP states then it's quite likely that the daughter isn't enjoying the relationship at all. Children also have a right to be protected from bullying and clear favourtism can be a very mean form of bullying.

I'm saying that is the situation, the OP will have to decide. But she is clear that she doesn't see this as the grandmother making a one off comment but as part of a pattern of not thinking as highly of the second twin.

jesuswhatnext · 20/05/2011 19:14

bluebobbin - my mum did me loads of favours when dd was little (because she wanted to!) - she would never have used it as an excuse to be horrible to her dgdd though!

UrsulaBuffay · 20/05/2011 19:18

That's not frustration, it's downright nastiness and is adding to a young girl's lack of self esteem.

diddl · 20/05/2011 19:20

OP-I hope you come back.

Have the girls said any more about it?

I think the fact that they mentioned it to you means that it has bothered them tbh, & the fact that it has happened before & MIL treats them differently is awful.