MIL told ten year old DD that she hates her sometimes

[sandyballs]

Quick background, I'm livid and waiting for DH to come home to discuss how to approach his mum. DDs are 10 and in laws have been collecting them from school two or three times a week for years.

MIL is a complicated person but I have always trusted her with the girls and thought they had a close loving relationship until recently. I have noticed that she has a soft spot for DT1, thinks she can do no wrong and is harsher with DT2 and I have mentiond this to DH on several ocasions over the last few months but he thinks I'm over sensitive about it all. A friend of mine also commented on her different attitude to the DD's.

Anyway, this morning DT1 said that yesterday after school she and her sister had been playing around with a teddy, grabbing it off each other and running off up the garden, and DT2 had taken it a bit far and refused to give it back causing a row. MIL then said to DT1 'I hate that girl sometimes'. DT1 said she was shocked and said to her nana 'You can't really mean that nana' and she replied 'Yes I do'.

So what now, I haven't rung MIL even though I really want to, but think DH should deal as it is his mother. DT2 heard the comment and told me it had upset her but she has heard her say it before . She has low self confidence as it is and is having a hard time at school at the moment with friends, as well as her body changing etc and I could sit here and cry at the thought of her hearing her nana say that to her.

I think it's a disgusting thing to say to a child old enough to understand the implications of it, especially when there is a sibling who is not treated the same way.

And FWIW I love my MIL to bits, we have a fab relationship, so away with your amateur sleuthing.

Ooh I don't think the OP will come back - I bet she's strangled her MIL and is now in custody (am sure she will get away with it because she was so provoked) and the little girl is sobbing her heart out - not because of her mother not being there, but because of what her nan said. Oh my heart bleeds for the poor child.

Oh I've been called some things but never an amateur sluether - quite interesting really.

Pink4ever - I note your ageist comment and no I shan't trot off anywhere until I am good and ready.

If I'm wrong about what has happened to the OP, think someone should phone the police to report the grandmother and have her arrested for "using insulting words and behaviour" and get some therapy for the child whose whole childhood willl be damaged ......

Talk about sledge hammers to crack walnuts.........

My MIL, who is lovely, would come down like a ton of bricks on anyone who spoke to her GCs like that or made them miserable via favouritism. She would certainly not be going on about the "rights" of the GCs to have to be subjected to this.

OP, you or your DH need to have a chat and make it clear to your MIL how unhappy your DDs are about this. If she is complicated, tough. If she's too complicated to treat both of your children lovingly, she's too complicated to see them.

Nana. You are scary.

Not your wisest post Nana. Just glad you are not my DC's GM

she sounds really awful keep her away if you can

UA - you still haven't told me where you learned your mind reading skills cus I think it could be quite a useful skill to have! Quite like nannaninkumpoop - has a nice ring to it..........I've just told my granddaughters and they think it's a hoot, so thanks for that. Sorry to scare you UA, try to be brave - I won't hurt you.

You will have to try much harder if you want to insult me............so let's see what else you can come up with

Nananina, I agree that people say silly things at times but I think you should be aware that when your gran says something like that to you (what you said to you GD) it plays on your mind a lot more than if it was anyone else, face stroking or not. As a child (not that long ago) I would have been really upset if my gran had said such a thing to me and WAS upset when an aunt said it, even though she was joking. I didn't understand how she could say such a thing even in jest, and I was more of a teen when aunt said that. Though of course I did not show it.

I'm going to totally go against Nananina - I get where you are coming from but this is totally unacceptable behaviour from Sandy's MIL and it needs to be stopped.

I have a friend who is a twin, in this case it was their aunt (their mum's sister) who very obviously favoured one twin(my friend's sister) over the other. She was pretty mean to my friend

I know that it affected my friend very badly, for years she had a poor relationship with her sister (because the aunt practiced divide and conquer) and she also suffered badly from self-esteem issues. Happily she and her DSis are close again but it took years for her to get over the nasty treatment, which only stopped when the aunt died of cancer when the twins were in their late teens (they are both in their early 390's now).

early 30's (not sure where that rogue 9 appeared from).

Nice touch Nana...suddenly joining the other thread.

You sound right up our street.

A raging narc.

Is NanaNina the OP's MIL?

And no, I'm not a MIL hater - my MIL would never say anything like that to my children.

OP, speak to her about it - she shouldn't be saying that to her grandaughter.

My MIL was a total honey. She lived to see seven DGCs, and although she was especially fond of her DGD for various reasons she was always extremely even-handed to all of them. Oh, and as I'm sure I've mentioned a few times before, I am a MIL myself.

However, I wouldn't stand for such awful behaviour for a minute. I bet she's got a fair bit to do with DT2's confidence problems.

Oh, and stroking a girl's face in front of her friends, with or without associated insults - totally not cool. You often give advice I consider sensible and kindly, NanaNina, but you've quite shocked me with that.

UA - sorry I don't understand - joining what other thread, and what's a raging narc please. You still haven't told me where you learned your mind reading skills.
Sorry Plumm I'm not the OP's mil....
Anniegetyourgun - Stroking her face in front of friends - friend was in the back of the car and was play fighting with my other gr.chd and they are 8 and 9 years old..........anyway this is all getting a bit silly and yes I know I am being a bit contraversial and sarcastic. It's sad that people have nothing better to do on a Friday night isn't it, so I will bow out. Have to go and ask my grncdhrn to calm down and go to sleep.....and rest assured I will tell them Both I love them and they will say the say "love you love you" to me.

Of Corse they will say "love you" nana! Whist backing away slowly into a corner or hiding under the duvet!

Scary scary lady..

sandy, i would suggest you have a conversation with your husband and mil and tell her the impact. these incidents and comments may not have always have an impact, but if your dd has low self-esteem issues already this will make it worse. your mil and hubby need to know this. men dont usually understand self-esteem issues of the fairer sex so you do need to e

i hadnt finished my post!!!!!

explicitly tell him what the impact would be.

my mil is fabulous and wonderful lady, and i love her dearly. BUT if she or anyone says something like this to my dcs i will be telling them what to do with themselves.

A Q for people who have said similar and defending themselves - whether or not you mean it, it is a mean thing to say as much to children. adolescents and teens are rude and they are because of the changes that confuse them (or whatever) but as adults we surely should not be getting down to that level? if dcs 'roll their eyes' at you and that pisses you off then tell them that behaviour is unacceptable NOT '.....you're nasty now'. kids need to know what they do is unacceptable, not that you love them any less for what they do or dont. Kids are innocent and love you and everyone else unconditionally...... even the adults who are mean to them unfortunately.

Protect the children from evil and from yourselves.

"Oh you used to be so sweet when you were little, not nasty like now"

Sounds so nice, doesn't it! Especially as you were stroking her face at the same time . How about, 'you are so sweet, but sometimes the things you do & say are not so sweet"? (hope you weren't driving while cuddling her in the car). Trouble is, NN, is that she will have heard EXACTLY what you said, not what you meant to say. Now she thinks you think she is nasty!

I have a wonderful MIL. She is truly lovely & like the mother I always wanted (I stopped talking to mine at 18, after a childhood of being told -by her- that I wasn't as pretty as my sister -I was born with a cleft lip- and that I wasn't loveable -same reason- that I wouldn't never marry because no one could ever love me.) Don't underestimate the damage a 'innocent' remark can cause, please!

I worried after that she might say something to her mom or dad

You see, this tells me that you knew you said the wrong thing, because you were worried about her telling her parents.

Anyway, back to MIL. She was brilliant with dd1, still is (she is almost 8). Taking her to the cinema, theatre trips, picnics, going to see Disney on Ice for her birthday soon etc. Can't do enough for her. Really! But dd2 is different!

Dd1 was never a typical toddler, she rarely tantrummed, she could be taken anywhere, left anywhere on a moments notice, slept well, spoke well & early, stayed in bed when put there at night.

Dd2 is the polar opposite. A tantrum throwing, staying in bed avoiding, slow to talk package of love. She also has a dummy still for sleeps (almost 3) and has a slight open bite.

Remarks by MIL/FIL gave been

:how do they handle her behaviour at childcare (there have been no issues, I asked)
:Why isn't she talking yet, dd1 talked much sooner
:she is hard work isn't she, she never stops
:why are her teeth like that (her canines are still pointed)
:why does she have a dummy still (dd1 had her much longer)
:when is she going to potty train (dd1 was done 2 weeks after her 2nd birthday, dd2 only been reliable for 3 months)
:why is she having another tantrum (oh perhaps because you just stole her favourite toy off her in the name of 'teasing', granddad)
:has she got a lisp
:she doesn't stop talking (oh the irony, first she doesn't talk enough, now too much)

I was recently given a huge back of clothes from her (MILs) friend & MIL said, 'I think they might be a bit too girly for dd2, perhaps give them to Y's daughter instead"

Dd2 doesn't get taken anywhere.
They rarely babysit her.

These may sound like innocent remarks/actions, but they are bloody frustrating & hurtful towards my dd! Especially when said in full hearing range of her elder sister & herself. Now older dd is starting to make some remarks about her sister not being as 'good as I was as a baby'

But you carry on thinking what you said is OK, because you say you never meant it. Trouble is, your granddaughter thinks you do. It is that simple. It only takes one comment, to put the seed into your head. You have planted that seed. Well done.

nananina. I think that is a horrible thing to say to a child, spiteful and tbh having read quite a few of your posts before I have sometimes thought some of the stuff you write a bit "off" but not wanted to get into it. You remind me of my Mum and believe me that is NOT a good thing.

Agree with UA about the narc thing too.

OP, my ex while being extremely protective of our dc probably wouldn't say anything to his parents if they said something like this. It is what is normal to someone iyswim? So personally I would be on the phone myself having it out with her. Not in a heated way at all, just in a conversational way, no attacking and then you will be able to see from her reaction how to proceed further. My MIL with a huge history of favouring one of her children always used to ring up and ask after only ds after dd was born for a good few months. As in "how is my little one today?" One day I replied, "SHE, is fine, feeding well and ds is really happy today too". She was mortified that I would think she wasn't interested in dd too and took care to show more interest after that and that imo is a normal reaction, not aggression or tears or anger.

What happened OP?

I think it´s difficult as you weren´t there.

I think I wouldn´t let her have the girls alone for a while so that if anything happens, you can talk about it straight away.

What do your daughters want to do?

Using the word "hate" is too harsh and imo is never appropriate for any parent or grandparent to say to the children. For her age and life experience, she really should know better. You could ask DH to talk to her about it and see how she reacts. If she's in denial then its a lost cause. If she seems apologetic then its up to you, you could choose to give her a second chance. But if this happened to me personally, I would never leave my children to her care again and will always make sure me or DH is present when she's around with them.

Wow lots of replies, thank you all. Haven't been able to get on laptop all weekend so catching up!

I waited for DH to get in on Friday rather than ringing him at work and his response was 'Oh that, yes the girls told me last night' (I was out Thurs night). I was a bit gobsmacked he hadn't mentioned it to me when I got in Thurs or even Fri morning! He then went on to almost defend his mum, saying things like 'well we don't know what context it was said in' . I personally can't think of any context where it would be ok for a grandma to say they hated their granddaughter. I was very disappointed and annoyed at his reaction to it TBH.

I'm not one to make a mountain out of a molehill, I'm usually very laid back and easy going but I think MIL was completely out of order to say that to DD.

DH eventually rang her Sunday afternoon, after I said I was going to deal with it if he didn't. Leaving such a delay gives the impression that we're not that bothered about it, I feel.

Anyway, she cried, said how could we believe she'd do such a thing, she loves them both so much etc etc. She said she was using the 'hate' word when DT1 was describing he colours she wants to use in her new bedroom, and denied saying 'I sometimes hate that girl'. How could two ten year olds get that so wrong, I know she's lying. She spoke to DT2 on the phone and said she loves her, and she didn't say that etc etc DT2 was embarrassed by the whole thing and said wished they hadn't told us. DH then went on to have a lovely long chat about her shopping trip and her weekend, laughing away. As far as he is concerned it is all fine and hunky dory but I'm still pissed off and wondering whether I should reduce the amount of time they spend with her if she's going to sap their confidence.

When I said MIL was complicated, I meant that she's very highly strung, very emotional ... great highs and great lows with not much inbetweeen.
I know she finds DT2 a challenge at times because she is a much more headstrong character, she's not a 'pleaser' like her sister. DH actuallly said to me 'you know how DT2 can wind people up, I've heard you lose the plot with her lots of times because of her behaviour!' which is true, i do get exasperated with her but not in million years would I ever tell her I hated her, disliked her behaviour yes, but not her personally.

So to sum up, I am now pissed off with MIL and DH

What nightmare that your DH doesn't see the seriousness of it. I think you should consider the time that your DC spend with MIL. Your DC are 10yo I can't imagine they got it wrong.