Is there something wrong with me?

[TheOriginalFAB]

I am just watching Long Lost Family which I recorded last night. It is all about people looking for and finding long lost family members. All are really happy to be found and both sides of the equation are delighted to be building a relationship.

This gets me thinking about my mother and how I would rather pack up my kids and run away to the other side of the world than have her anywhere near me or my family.

Lots of you will know my back story but for those that don't here is a nutshell.

She got pregnant to trap my father.
They split before I was born.
She blamed me for being a girl.
I was abandoned on a door step when weeks old.
I was in and out of care as she decided whether to keep me or not.
When I was happy in a children's or foster home she wrecked it so I had to be moved.
When I was unhappy in a foster home she stayed away.
She has made threats. I can barely breathe typing this. She has been in touch with my DH and MIL and my MIL has betrayed me. It would kill me to have to let my children anywhere near her.

I can't get my head around her thought process at all. I know she had a crap childhood so might not have known what to do but mine was worse and my kids are doing okay. My mother left me on a door step as her new fella didn't want someone elses brat. I can hardly believe I am typing it but it is true.

No.

My kids haven't asked much lately so I haven't talked to them but they do know I didn't have parents to look after me and my mother never ever picked me up from school.

My children are spoilt and that is my fault and it is obviously why but now I know I shouldn't be letting my back ground influence anything I do with mine and I can't expect them to appreciate what they have just because I never had shoes or clothes that fit or more than a couple of toys.

I feel settled when there is food in the fridge and happy as I never had any food as a child. I am expecting too much maybe to want my kids to appreciate how lucky they are as they don't know any different.

Just looking at the thread title and I feel there isn't anything wrong with me and I will not ever ever be letting my mother anywhere near my children.

If only all my problems/issues were as clean cut to solve.

Thank you very much every one .

" I don't know what to say, braidedsilver.

What I struggle with is my mother says every thing was done for me and she appears to not think she has done anything wrong."

Fab, my father thinks the exact same thing. We know it's not true, and you're doing the right thing by keeping your kids away from her. It's hard, trust me I know how hard it is, but it's the right thing to do.

Thank you.

I just feel that I love my children so much I can not let her in in case she hurts them and if that means they miss the chance of another grandparent, so be it. I know she could have changed and be wonderful for my children but they won't miss what they don't have - hopefully - and why should she get the reward of my children when she fucked up my life? [trying and failing not to sound bitter emoticon]

Look - what makes you think that your mum will be the 'perfect grandparent'?

Will she take the kids to the park? stay with them when ill and parents have to work? Make them their fave soup/meal/sweets/cake just because she loves them?
Play with them, draw, face paint, dig in the garden?

I doubt it. What could she possibly bring to your family that is missing from their lives?

I reckon she would bring drama, confusion and bile. Leave her out of your situation. She deserves nothing from you.

I can't imagine her doing any of those fun things. She certainly didn't do anything with me. I am not going to have anything to do with her and hopefully she will leave us alone. She said she would if she heard it from me that I didn't want anything to do with her. The letter was duly sent so fingers crossed.

well that sounds like you are more on top of things re your Mum.

Hopefully that will be an end to it now for you. x

Hope so.

at Mum.

me too. x

I have ds1 crying, dd sulking and ds2 being mean to ds1 at the moment. They are all in bed. I feel such a failure as a mum. There is only the desire not to be like my mother that is keeping me from not walking out the door right now.

FAB my mother sounds much like you describe yours (i dont know your whole story). i have massive issues with making sure my DS have enough food because my mother would drink the money she had and we always went to bed hungry.

I gave in to my mothers emotional blackmail and took DS to see her in the home she is in. not once did she ask anything about my life, DS's (apart to comment on the fact id named him after my dad). all she talked about literally was poor her this and poor her that. I hadnt seen that woman for 20 years and she had never seen her grandchild before!

That woman left me alone with men she had only just met with horrible consequences. Made fake suicide attempts knowing i would be the one coming home to find her... god loads more. And i was really young.

You earn the right to motherhood. It is not a biological right.

And do not let your background cloud your judgement on how good a parent you are. We all mess up sometimes but the hard bit is not being too hard on yourself because you are worried about becoming that parent that failed you so drastically.

God MMM. I just want to give you a hug .

My son is trashing his room. He is sad
.

He has just come down with a note and it is heartbreaking.

thank you. im fine now, stronger. envious of those with a normal mum but determined to be that for DS.

why is he sad, what was the note about? my DS is a note writer too.

I am going to start a thread.

link??!

here