Is there something wrong with me?

[TheOriginalFAB]

I am just watching Long Lost Family which I recorded last night. It is all about people looking for and finding long lost family members. All are really happy to be found and both sides of the equation are delighted to be building a relationship.

This gets me thinking about my mother and how I would rather pack up my kids and run away to the other side of the world than have her anywhere near me or my family.

Lots of you will know my back story but for those that don't here is a nutshell.

She got pregnant to trap my father.
They split before I was born.
She blamed me for being a girl.
I was abandoned on a door step when weeks old.
I was in and out of care as she decided whether to keep me or not.
When I was happy in a children's or foster home she wrecked it so I had to be moved.
When I was unhappy in a foster home she stayed away.
She has made threats. I can barely breathe typing this. She has been in touch with my DH and MIL and my MIL has betrayed me. It would kill me to have to let my children anywhere near her.

Hey honey, you can live your life wondering, or you can get busy with living. Making the most of the wonderful family you have around you, the time you spend with your children, secure in the knowledge that they know love, they know what it is like to be part of a proper family.

Please don't have any regrets why ever should you? You have never done anything wrong. The most important thing is you and those closest to you, she is your mother by birth only, and not because of what she has done for you or any love she has shown you.

Cast her out and don't look back, how can you ever regret doing the right thing?

oh fab I think I remember some threads previously, but I dont know all the 'ins and outs' of your life.

But here is my tuppence worth.

Do not let this woman into your life at present. You are not strong enough and I really feel that with appropriate help you will be stronger. You need to really know that you have dealt with all emotions of your past and are now really living your life how you want to.

You need 'tools' that therapists can help you with so that when emotions and panic set in you can deal with them in a non emotional way.

To fear for your children is not good. To worry if your MIL is being disloyal is another worry.

You are not a bad person at all. It is only natural to want approval from your parents, sadly if you have a terrible Mum/Dad you rarely get it.

And dont think for a second that if you had been a boy it would all have been a garden of roses. It wouldnt, I can almost guarantee you that.

I need to post something that explains my thought process but I can't work out how to do it without it sounding like I am a cow.

Post it and risk sounding cow-like! And consider it as a step on the journey towards happiness - everyone is entitled to be a bit cow-like occasionally.

My grandmother had a terminal illness.

She had had enough and was not happy that she had been given a longish time to live.

With the fact she had had enough in mind I hoped it would come quickly as then I would be free and my children would be safe as there would be no one to tell my mother I had children.

2 weeks before she died she told my mum I had kids.

you are among friends here, anyway, what's the diff?

is that the cow thing? i don't understand, sorry.

Hi Fab. No-one here will judge you my dear

And I second keeping away from that programme. It's unbelievably black and white.

Sorry.

Feeling a cow as I wanted my grandmother to pass away sooner rather than later as she had had enough, was not able to do anything and couldn't speak properly. I wanted that for it so she would be at peace but also for me so my children would be safe from my mother but then I found out she knew anyway. Never said anything to my Grandmother as she was dying.

That really isn't very cow-like at all. It isn't, actually, either wishing her dead, or causing her to die through wishing, Fab. It's just a measure of how much your mother hurt you, how much damage she did, how much fear and sadness you still carry, that it took, stole, the last weeks and months of your relationship with your grandmother.

That is very sad.

I sense you feel very mixed about your grandmother having told her about your children. Do you feel she "sided" with your mother, rather than you (and your children)? That she let you down? And diminished/didn't really understand the damage your mother caused you? Do you feel guilty, still, about having those thoughts towards your grandmother?

Please don't answer any of those questions unless you want to/it is easy to do so. they are just questions to think about.

I wonder if the mil/grandmother thing is partly about other people and your relationship with them - your terror at being vulnerable and let down again - your need for other people to validate (by their actions) that they understand what happened to you.

Maybe you feel your grandmother and mil - by their actions - show they don't really understand. Worse still, they risk making you wonder whether you are right.

for what it's worth, I think you are acting wisely, whatever it's costing you in second thoughts, and you are showing a sensible streak of determinacy and self=preservation.

I definitely think she sided with my mother over me. She told my mother all about my wedding, my new name and where in the country I now lived. When I expressed my upset she wouldn't talk to me properly and then said if that last time we had talked hadn't been better she wouldn't have talked to me any more.

She said her sons didn't deserve her money so I said leave it to a charity and then she left it to her adult children. Obviously it would have been useful to have had had having got children but I didn't mind as her choice but why say it then go against it. I was very grateful for what she did leave me and spent it all on my children. She was very much blood is important yet didn't act on that.

My MIL knows everything yet..

That is very painful. If it helps, at all, we don't know why people do these things, and often they don't really know themselves.

Would it help if I gave you an "alternative" explanation? People often (not always, but often) try to do the "right thing" but there is so often in life no easy way of deciding what "the right thing" is, other than by outcome.

Maybe in her head, your grandmother had a vision that she was, somehow, going to give you the thing you most wanted: a wonderful mother, a wonderful relationship with her, and through that, magically, a wonderful childhood, delivered back to you, like a beautiful jewel, that you could gaze into, and be magically filled with childhood happiness.

Likewise, your mil.

Of course, that didn't happen.

There is also a touch of arrogance and selfishness in people, sadly. They often mistake their powers to put things right, and to understand things - they over-estimate. And they also want an easy life - they want to take the path of least resistance, and to not have to do uncomfortable, unpleasant things, that may make others judge them harshly, or think of them badly.

So it's possible that your grandmother was alarmed at failing, herself, as a mother, or thought she knew best, or was just feeling uncomfortable with keeping confidences. Maybe she felt responsible for what her daughter did, and felt she had to, somehow, make up for things she failed to do earlier.

None of this makes things easier for you, but it may make it easier to think of/live with if you can believe it isn't a pattern of people letting you down/abandoning you.

Also, you know, what comes across so clearly, is that despite everything you really are someone you can rely on. that is such a good, good thing.

was your gran your maternal gran? So she knew everything that your mum had done to you?

So your gran left things to her adult children - ie your Mum?

sorry, not understanding this. But you are not a cow, dont sound like a cow and step away from that tv show.

My grandmother was my father's mother but she was very close to my mother and put her first. My grandmother didn't think my life was that bad and put her experience of a boyfriend trying it on too much after a kiss on par with me being assaulted as a child.

I so don't want to be bitter. I want to be normal.

That's pretty crap.

I think you do sound "normal", as in not abusive to others, but unfortunately your childhood didn't really have enough of the "normal, as in not abusive, in it.

Maybe what you want is the "normal" you didn't have? and you are scared of not keeping it in the present.

Lots of people tell me my kids are normal kids but I can't get it as I was so not like they are.

"Bitter" is interesting, isn't it?

You know, getting angry is OK - even good for you. but I think we all sense there is a risk with it. especially when it comes to stuff in the past, about which we can't, actually, do much, except maybe live beyond.

"Bitter" is such a good word - it sort of sums up the risk: poisonous things are bitter to the taste, and warn us not to eat them. It makes me imagine a river, with poisoned, bitter water.

I guess the risk is anger, becoming impotent, and poisoning life now, somehow.

I do wonder, though, if anger is something you have to go through, and maybe inevitable when you finally accept that past damage has been done, and was damaging.

It's not the same as saying that it can't be lived beyond - and lived beyond with brilliance and strength, though.

The normal thing to do in this situation would be to put your chidren first and then yourself. This is not selfish or cow-like and it is normal.

I suggest a good counsellor will help you come to terms with your childhood. I have had counselling about mine and my parents no longer have the power to upset me.

I feel like I have no say and no choice.

I wish I had spoken my mind to my mother and MIL when there was an incident to speak about.

I once said to my mother I would never forgive her for giving me up. I didn't know I was going to say it until it came out. My social worker said it was a horrible thing to say.

... and "normal" kids is quite an achievement. If your paternal grandmother is anything to go by, you've probably managed to go against a destructive pattern that's lasted a few generations, by sheer force of will.

Well done!

You know, from the outside, FattyAcid's advice is very good: Work on your boundaries. Keep clear of your mother until your boundaries are (far) stronger. When/if ever you have any contact - make it very limited, very slow, and make absolutely sure she complies with your wishes.

Her other insight, that these "second thoughts" that are haunting you - and it is haunting, because what you are actually doing seems so sensible - are about your wish for a childhood, have the ring of truth, too.

I wonder when I will be able to start living a normal life.

I always thought I would die at a certain age. I am that age now. What will it take for me to stop being pathetic and living my life for now instead of letting the past affect me?

"I once said to my mother I would never forgive her for giving me up. I didn't know I was going to say it until it came out. My social worker said it was a horrible thing to say."

Your social worker was wrong. Its natural for a child to feel this way after how your mother behaved to you. The social worker judged you for this feeling - shame on her and she was unprofessional too.

I agree with minty - having "normal" kids is a big achievement for anyone, and particularly so for someone whose own childhood did not supply the general reference points for what is "normal".

Just time. And lots and lots of conversations like these - with yourself, and others. Counselling may help, but in all honesty, it takes time to even get to the place where you are able to cope with counselling.

There;s a long and short answer to the SW's comment, by the way. The short answer is that she really, really wasn't in a position to comment with insight on your emotional responses there. With the best will in the world, and even if she really, really cared, she wouldn't have been able to gift you with a "right path" through your feelings at that moment.

Yes, I agree with FattyAcid (yikes - it's a gang!) - very normal response to have said that.

My SW - in my husband's opinion - remembers things to suit her self and make her self look good. She did a lot of things that were not protocol and will not accept her part in me being in a neglectful and abusive situation. God, I sound bitter again. I hate it. I don't want to feel sorry for myself either.