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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there something wrong with me?

119 replies

TheOriginalFAB · 20/05/2011 12:46

I am just watching Long Lost Family which I recorded last night. It is all about people looking for and finding long lost family members. All are really happy to be found and both sides of the equation are delighted to be building a relationship.

This gets me thinking about my mother and how I would rather pack up my kids and run away to the other side of the world than have her anywhere near me or my family.

Lots of you will know my back story but for those that don't here is a nutshell.

She got pregnant to trap my father.
They split before I was born.
She blamed me for being a girl.
I was abandoned on a door step when weeks old.
I was in and out of care as she decided whether to keep me or not.
When I was happy in a children's or foster home she wrecked it so I had to be moved.
When I was unhappy in a foster home she stayed away.
She has made threats. I can barely breathe typing this. She has been in touch with my DH and MIL and my MIL has betrayed me. It would kill me to have to let my children anywhere near her.

OP posts:
EssentialFattyAcid · 29/05/2011 19:23

Fab, be in no doubt, it is in no way pathetic to be affected by your past. A good counsellor would help you to reconcile yourself with your past and choose how to shape your own future.

You have learnt some lessons from your past that you are applying well now -eg that your mother will not be a healthy influence on your own children. As for living your life for now, try the gratitude journal exercise - write down 3 things about today that you are grateful for. Do this as many days as you can. You have achieved a lot in your life. Your name is Fab.

mintyaero · 29/05/2011 19:24

Bitter = angry at treatment of you by others = very, very legitimate response - to be listened to not ignored! Grin

Sorry for self = accepting loss + self-comforting - very difficult to accept, but , I think, part of the path. Surprisingly difficult part of the path, for various reasons.

EssentialFattyAcid · 29/05/2011 19:29

I think the answer to not being bitter lies in recognising the fact that none of us is perfect. Your mother has her own problems; the social worker had her own problems, possibly they had troubled childhoods too. Parents don't generally aim to f**k up their kids lives.

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 29/05/2011 19:30

I just want someone to look after me.

OP posts:
EssentialFattyAcid · 29/05/2011 19:36

Don't look to your mum

EssentialFattyAcid · 29/05/2011 19:37

Fab your childhood is past, you can't go back and fix it, with or without your mum, you just need to come to terms with it.

mintyaero · 29/05/2011 19:40

I'm, so sorry, Fab, but FattyAcid is right.

That "want" is really the core of it - the heart of what you haven't been given in the past. It sounds so harsh, but it really is the only truth, you have to find it forwards: in the present, in the future.

and it can make you feel like a spider, spinning your life like a web, over noting, from what you have. It's such a platitude but the only answer is to love that web for what it is.

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 29/05/2011 19:48

I only want my dh to look after me but I wish I felt like I could manage without him.

I used to expect the children to show me how to be a mum but I don't do that any more so I think I have made some progress.

I have actually been really well these last few months since my anti-depressants were changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 29/05/2011 19:50

Bit Confused by the web thing but that could be because I am terrified of spiders and can't process it Grin.

OP posts:
CoffeeIsMyFriend · 29/05/2011 19:51

FAB, I 'get' the someone to look after me. Totally, get it.

I agree with minty and fatty (dont like putting those words together!) There are ways to help yourself, to not continue being a 'victim' and there are lots of people to talk to.

I agree counselling is a good step forward, but so is living for NOW, not in the past. Counselling and learning 'tactics' to distance yourself from the past is about reconciling yourself and your past and leaving it there.

mintys analogie about the spiders web is spot on. You cant go back, you can only move forward. You cannot change the past, but you can change your future, your life and how you and your children are to be treated.

CoffeeIsMyFriend · 29/05/2011 19:53

OK, dont look at is as a spiders web, look at it as ... a caterpillar cocoon, you have emerged from the cocoon into a beautiful butterfly, but the cocoon was there and cant be dismissed.

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 29/05/2011 20:34

I definitely do not want to feel like a victim. I want to feel like a normal person without having to think twice when someone asks me something. I want to be strong and secure and normal.

OP posts:
CoffeeIsMyFriend · 29/05/2011 20:47

Can I ask why you need to think twice. Sorry, obviously I am missing a large part of your story here fab.

Is there any reason why you think your mother would snatch your children or something else? Are there other family members involved?

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 29/05/2011 21:14

I need to make sure I am making the right decisions.

I have been terrified she would snatch them as she has gone on about the rights she has to see them. My name is not a common one at all, it wouldn't be difficult to find my children or me.

OP posts:
CoffeeIsMyFriend · 29/05/2011 21:49

you shouldnt live your life scared, that is not right at all.

you poor thing. I really think you need to work through this with a professional person, talking on here is fantastic but to get it all out to someone who can and will understand and help is better.

Oh and she has absolutely NO rights at all.

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 30/05/2011 09:30

What worries me is if DH and I both die. Isn't it usually the mother's family who get the children? My mother is a bit younger than my MIL but my PIL have known the children all their lives, have plenty of money to care for them and my children love them. My mother has never seen my children, has a basic job and wouldn't have the first idea how to look after my children - or any children come to think of it. I think it is time to update our wills. I will remind DH.

OP posts:
butterflybee · 30/05/2011 10:10

Yes, update your will to make it clear who you would want to take care of your kids if the worst happened. You get a choice in this too! The courts won't simply pick by maternal line or age - they will look at who can provide the best possible life for your kids and would have to have a good reason to go against your suggestion. From what you say it seems clear that your mother wouldn't be suitable and there are lots of legal documents supporting this judgement.

Becaroooo · 30/05/2011 10:21

FAB wrt to what will happen to your dc if you and your dh die, you need to update your wills (dh and I did this a few weeks ago) and choose a guardian for you children until they are 18. You can choose at what age they get your estate too (we have gone for 21) It sounds like your mother is well known to SS so very doubtful she would get custody tbh....

I totally get "wanting someone to look after you". Totally. I do not know what I would do without dh....I would fall apart. I have no-one else I can rely on.

Becaroooo · 30/05/2011 10:22

Bit drastic, but have you considered changing your name by deed poll if you want to be harder to find?????

TheBride · 30/05/2011 10:22

Your will should always state the guardian for your children- in our case it will be one of DH's siblings, not either set of parents, purely because they will be too old. However, I also have friends who have named close friends as the guardians of their children- it doesn't have to be a relative, and unless there's a real reason why the guardian isn't suitable, my understanding is that the courts usually go with it. In all cases, it's usual to ask the people concerned first and tell all close family members your choice, so there are no big shocks should (heaven forbid) you and your DH die before the children are grown up.

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 30/05/2011 10:39

My mother was well known to the social services in the 1970's when they gave her numerous chances. Not now as I haven't lived with her since I was under 2 and I am well into adult hood now.

Would I be allowed to specify who wouldn't get the children?

An old school friend offered to take the children a few years ago but I don't think DH would want that as the children would have to move. If my in laws took them they would be in the same county.

I need to stay alive for at least another 12 years.

DH wouldn't be up for changing our names but if anything else happens or MIL betrays me again we are emigrating.

OP posts:
Becaroooo · 30/05/2011 12:34

Oh Fab. I am sorry.

What an awful situation.

LunaticFringe · 30/05/2011 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheOriginalFAB · 30/05/2011 14:13

I can't see my mother ever saying sorry.. Why would she? She hasn't done anything wrong and has done every thing for me. I remember being made to feel like I should be grateful as she changed her mind about getting me aborted.

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 30/05/2011 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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