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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is there something wrong with me?

119 replies

TheOriginalFAB · 20/05/2011 12:46

I am just watching Long Lost Family which I recorded last night. It is all about people looking for and finding long lost family members. All are really happy to be found and both sides of the equation are delighted to be building a relationship.

This gets me thinking about my mother and how I would rather pack up my kids and run away to the other side of the world than have her anywhere near me or my family.

Lots of you will know my back story but for those that don't here is a nutshell.

She got pregnant to trap my father.
They split before I was born.
She blamed me for being a girl.
I was abandoned on a door step when weeks old.
I was in and out of care as she decided whether to keep me or not.
When I was happy in a children's or foster home she wrecked it so I had to be moved.
When I was unhappy in a foster home she stayed away.
She has made threats. I can barely breathe typing this. She has been in touch with my DH and MIL and my MIL has betrayed me. It would kill me to have to let my children anywhere near her.

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TheOriginalFAB · 27/05/2011 07:58

I have never really wanted to talk about my mother but not sure why. I suppose as I have really strong feelings of hatred and not understanding how she could do what she has. Also I never saw it as something that impacts on my life Hmm.

I really don't want to go there with her as it feels like a waste of time talking about her.

Maybe I will never understand her and maybe I don't have too.

I just don't want any regrets.

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AitchTwoOh · 27/05/2011 08:09

no one gets to have no regrets, fab... Smile
i'm sure you don't want to talk about your mother, or indeed spend a penny on the woman, but you could see therapy as talking about you rather than her. i just worry that this is SO much to cope with by yourself.

tell me, if you were reading this thread on here written by another MNer, what would your advice to her be?

TheOriginalFAB · 27/05/2011 08:13

I have no idea.

I wouldn't be able to be totally non partial so it would be a case of what will you regret most? Never giving her another chance or give her a chance and then be hurt or worse, my children be hurt.

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AitchTwoOh · 27/05/2011 08:50

would you really not suggest that as the 'victim' of this woman in the first place, you aren't really in a position to muddle through this yourself?

TheOriginalFAB · 27/05/2011 12:12

No. I don't think I said that. I suppose I don't see what the end result will be and it won't make me want to talk to my mother so what is the point?

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braidedsilver · 27/05/2011 23:56

For the same reason that I feel that way about my horrible father and sister. You're a real person with a real heart and you feel bad for hurting some one even if they don't deserve your compassion or your guilt. Doing something you know is going to hurt some one's feeling is hard, it's a very rare person who is so bad that they won't have any hurt feelings. Even after all the horrible things my father has done to me (though not as bad as your mum for sure) the few good memories I have of him make it hard to hurt him intentionally.

TheOriginalFAB · 28/05/2011 09:40

Sad I don't know what to say, braidedsilver.

What I struggle with is my mother says every thing was done for me and she appears to not think she has done anything wrong.

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SpringchickenGoldBrass · 28/05/2011 10:09

That's because your mother is a horrible nutjob, fab. There is no reasoning with people like this, sadly there is no way to make them see or acknowledge how horrible they are. Because they don't see it. They are defective in that they haveda completely distorted view of reality.
I'm another one who thinks that counselling of some sort would help you towards peace of mind. Best of luck.

TheOriginalFAB · 28/05/2011 10:26

Oh nutjob made me laugh!

She had a rotten childhood though tbh no where near as bad as mine, but she idolised the dad who hurt her so badly and then never got over my dad. I have taken years trying to get over my first love and my dad was on a pedestal for a long time as I never thought he had done anything wrong. We spoke a few years ago for the first time and he threatened to get the police on to me if I rang again. Maybe I was always doomed Confused.

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mintyaero · 28/05/2011 22:58

Of course she had a rotten childhood, people rarely get to be that messed up without help.

The thing is, she is a damaged person, who has an established track-record of inflicting damage - mainly on you.

I think, like a lot of posters here, that counselling would be very good. I can see why you don't want to spend money talking about her - it would kind of crystallise a sense that she continues to have an effect on your life, when I suspect you want very much to prove to yourself that you have survived her, and managed to live beyond her effects.

But she clearly is still affecting you. And I think I can see why you wonder about whether you are doing the right thing about contact (which I think - for what it's worth - you are), part of you really would like the dream that it could be made alright, and you could have, in some form, what you were denied as a child.

Counselling can help deal with that. But I wonder if you also feel wary of counselling because it might bring up many feelings and truths that you (feel) you have to suppress in order to be able to get on and live your life? You are probably right about that. I wonder if counselling might not be a short-lived processs, and be quite intense.

I do wonder if it might still be worth it though. You so clearly realise that you are right to keep her at a distance, and act on that, yet she also clearly has the power to frighten you, and also you doubt the wisdom of your decision (though, thankfully, don't act on that doubt).

I had (some) counselling, rather late in life, and discussed my relationship with my mother. I had resisted it for years, and really empathise with what you wrote about not wanting to pay to discuss your mother! I found the experience of counselling helpful but, yes, a bit shocking. I wish I'd done it sooner. I didn't cut off contact, and I rather regret it now, to be honest.

TheOriginalFAB · 29/05/2011 10:52

I just feel so mixed up and have so many other people to consider.

My MIL likes that my mother is not in my life. I suspect this is because she gets all the grand parent fun. So why tell her I had had a baby and talk to her on the phone?

My DH will not let her anywhere near us and would probably insist on it if I said I wanted too. He never says no to me for anything and would never stop me doing anything I wanted, so that shows how he feels about her and how he hates her for what she has done to me.

The school have to know more than I would like them too to ensure they don't let anyone but my husband or me pick them up.

I have given her so many chances and she immediately would try and be a mother, tell me what to do and what I couldn't do. It was too full on and she would parade me around and ignore me in equal measure. All her friends were very off with me and it made me feel like she had said I was the one in the wrong and had hurt her.

I just don't know what to do and I feel I have bigger things to deal with right now than her and I can't do it all.

I really appreciate you all posting Smile.

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AitchTwoOh · 29/05/2011 13:05

i hope you get somewhere good with it all in the end.

TheOriginalFAB · 29/05/2011 15:36

Thank you. I just need to be in the right frame of mind to tackle one thing at a time.

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FattyAcid · 29/05/2011 16:02

Your mum has been a terrible mother to you in the past and it sounds as though she would like to carry on being in your life as a terrible mother even now.

You get to choose whether to have her in your life. Make the choice based on what is best for you and your dc. It is fine to tell her you don't want her in your life as you don't owe her anything and should feel no guilt over this.

I think that the real problem is that you really really want her to have been a good mother when you needed her but what is past is past. I also think you would like her to be a good mother to you now - but this seems unrealistic and unlikely however much you may want it to happen. Look after yourself FAB.

TheOriginalFAB · 29/05/2011 16:05

Thank you.

We had to go to a solicitor to get a letter written saying to stay away from us all or an injunction would be go with powers of arrest. She had a friend ring my in-laws pretending to be a solicitor and then she wrote to my solicitor. That was how I found out my MIL had told her every thing.

I feel mean not giving her another chance.

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FattyAcid · 29/05/2011 16:13

Its not mean not to give her another chance. You have weighed up the balance of evidence and decieded she will be a negative influence on your family. She is hardly convincing you otherwise by her actions.

I think that you are really saying is not that you feel mean but that you feel sorry that your mother has not changed into a good mother and that it feels sad to think that she may never become this good mother that you wish she would be.

I think it would be fine to tell her what you would expect from her if she were to become a part of your life. If you want to "give her another chance" then why not separate this from letting her see the kids. You could agree to have coffee together once a month at a cafe, and if that goes well for a few months then perhaps take it on a small step? If she behaves well to you over a period of months then perhaps you could go all out and do something with the kids as a one-off to see if she still behaves appropriately. Set your boundaries Fab and stay in control of this relationship whatever you decide to do.

FattyAcid · 29/05/2011 16:14

er not go all out I meant all go out! ie start off by only seeing her without the kids for a few months to start to build up some level of trust.

FattyAcid · 29/05/2011 16:16

" she would parade me around and ignore me in equal measure" - this is absolutely not good enough and would not be how you want her to treat your dc. She needs to prove to you that she can stop this behaviour.

TheOriginalFAB · 29/05/2011 16:24

I can't let her in as I can't have her drop my kids when she has had enough.

Just typing that made me think I don't want to give her another chance.

That felt great to realise but then I am thinking what if I regret it?

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

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FattyAcid · 29/05/2011 16:26

Fab, do you believe she could have a good relationship with JUST YOU ie never seeing your kids for 12 months? To prove to you she is reliable?

FattyAcid · 29/05/2011 16:28

I think you are more likely to regret it if you do let her in than if you don't

FattyAcid · 29/05/2011 16:30

Put the interests of your kids ahead of the interests of your mother - this is the natural priority here. If you want to have a relationship with your mother and to give her another chance then do it without the kids being any part of it.

TheOriginalFAB · 29/05/2011 16:54

I think she would pressure me to let her see the kids almost immediately tbh. I try and be nice to every one and would hate to be mean or cruel but my God my children mean absolutely everything to me and what is best for them has to come first.

I know if I let her in I would be desperate for approval and she would be telling me what to do.

I need someone to tell me what to do and how to not regret ignoring her forever more.

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FattyAcid · 29/05/2011 17:16

"I know if I let her in I would be desperate for approval " then you are not ready or able to handle this at the moment Fab, simple as.
You are putting your children first in saying no to your mother, as you should - how can you ever regret that?

We all have to make the best decisions that we can at the time.

When you say "I think she would pressure me to let her see the kids almost immediately tbh." The point is not that she would ask for this, but that you would feel unable to say no to that demand. Trying to be nice to everyone is not a good thing to aim for. Creating and communicating your own boundaries is more important than being indescriminately nice.

TheOriginalFAB · 29/05/2011 17:23

I have wanted approval ever since I was told my mother wanted a boy and would have kept me if I had been a boy.

I think I know I am doing the right thing (head) but emotionally I think what if? (heart)

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