I want to leave DH but it's upsetting him so much.

[crapwife]

I don't want to go into all the details or why and wherefores, but after a very long marriage, and adult DCs, I have decided after a HUGE amount of soul searching that I need to leave DH at least temporarily- say for 6 months- to see how I feel.
It's a long story- I have never been sure about "us" and have thought of leaving often but having a young family stopped me.

It's taken me ages to get to this stage and I am now looking at places to rent which I can hardly afford- it's going to come out of a nest egg- but I just feel I have to try it. I may miss him madly and be back in 2 weeks- or I may not. Another option is for him to move out- which would work better re. my work and needs for space etc.

However, his reaction- which is 100% understandable- is making it so hard that I am having doubts if I can follow through.

Every time we talk about it he cries, and says the bottom has fallen out of his world ( but admits he has had plenty of time to change and the signs were there for ages.) He doesn't know how he will cope and feel terrified it may be permanent.

He then accuses me of not being upset. Well yes, I am- have known him for 30 years- but it's taken me a huge amount of thought and guts to get this far in my thinking. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing, but I have to try it. i am not expecting him to wait for me if I leave and I know he may move on and even find someone else.

I have spent decades putting other people's happiness before my own and for once I am trying to work on me and what I want.

Has anyone else gone though this and how did you find the guts to leave someone who adores you and who desperately doesn't want you to go?

Yes my ex was a nightmare to leave with his tears and upset. It was the best thing I ever did though and he got over it in a month or so after all that. Just do it, staying is just dragging it out and making it worse.

Go. Do it. You will regret it if you don't. Can't "adore" you that much if he knew he needed to change but never bothered.

What have you got to lose? Do it? Either way you will find out what you want and so will he.

The thing is, it's not wrong to dump someone when you have had enough of them. Your feelings matter just as much as his. And given that you have asked him to change whtaver it was that you are sick of and he hasn't done so, he's quite happy to put his feelings ahead of yours indfinitely - all this blubbering is just emotional blackmail.
I appreciate that you may not want to say, but was the thing you wanted him to change abuse towards you or just laziness/selfishness?

Dragging it out will only make it worse. If you want to go, you should go. Of course he is upset and angry etc, but if you've made your mind up you can only keep saying 'Im sorry, I know this hurts, but I need to do it'. If someone you 'adored' was trying to leave you, you'd probably cling a bit as well. It would be kinder and cleaner to just get on with it, tbh.

It's not easy, is it? In fact it's probably the hardest decision we ever have to make. I left my OH after 19 years together and when our DD was 5. It took me two years of soul searching to realise that it was the best decision and that sometimes it's okay to think about yourself. Obviously he was distraught and he constantly requested that we try again but I knew, deep down, that it was over and I no longer loved him.

Six years later and he's moved on and is extremely happy and I'm left with the daughter from hell!! Actually, that's a lie; I have a lovely DD and a wonderful boyfriend and the world is a wonderful place.

You have to think about yourself for once in your life. Good luck xx

well he is never going to come to terms with something that he doesn't want to happen if it isn't actually going to happen.
Do you want his permission? - tough, this is something you want not him, so you have to go and do it.
What it comes down to is - which is the worst alternative for you (and your family, albeit grown up), staying or going? Only you know that, and only you can be the one that changes it if you decide it needs to change.

How can you just 'dump' someone you have been with for 30 years for chrissakes?
No wonder he is devastated. You say he's had a chance to change. Change what? Unless he's a wife beating, adulterous kiddy fiddler I can't see why you just don't try and work things out?
And the 6 months temporary seperation is a pile of crap as well. Either stay or go, but don't just string him along. He deserves more respect then that if you have been together 30 years.

Wow. That's outspoken GB and so different to all the other responses.
Do you not think I haven't gone through agony of how can I "dump" someone after 30 years? I have spent at least 25 of those years wondering whether to leave or not.
But I am not responsible for someone's happiness over my own.

No, he is not an abuser or wife beater or anything bad at all- he is a lovely man in many ways. But he can't communicate. He's also non-confrontational so varoius issues have got pushed away for years and he won't face things head on. I feel isolated and lonely.

I don't want this thread to turn into a "why don't you fix it" thread. I have been there. I have made the decision to leave, pending finding a place- which is not as easy as it sounds as Ihve clients come to my home so it has to be suitable.

I actually think that a separation is sensible. It may be the only way I can do it, otherwise the full impact would hit me- but I can't help that.

OP - I can understand that you have fallen out of love with your H, this happens and you have a right to future happiness. Obviously, you've done a lot of soul searching before reaching your decision. It would be good to have a bit of background info re: what you felt he needed to change though, was there abuse, indifference, for example?

I threw my husband out after 22 years of marriage - 10 were good, 8 ok, and 4 unbearable. He told me well over a year ago that he no longer loved me and made it clear that he would be going - when the time was right. Things came to ahead, I decided enough was enough and I threw him out a few months before he planned to go. I am now divorcing him. There is no going back. The reason that I'm telling you this is so that you think through things from his perspective: He too has a life that deserves to be happy without you - as you do without him. He may (as I did) become so much happier without you, although he doesn't realise this, because believe me, no one is happy knowing that their partner is with them, but doesn't love them anymore. You may decide in a few weeks or months that you want to move back - he may not have you. You say that you accept that he may move on and not want you back, but take this seriously, because it could happen. I think it's unfair (sorry) of you to say that you want to keep your options open; either you go or stay and work hard (relate?) at making things work. You can't keep your options open - it's not fair on him. And he might make that decision for you.

So, yes, you can leave, of course you can. You have the right to happiness, but you have to appreciate that so does he. You not being happy is making him unhappy believe me. He's scared and uncertain and wants you to stay. Perhaps when you go, he'll realise that actually he's ok, and this is for the best - like I did.

So consider all the outcomes here, and be certain before you go. Because you want to keep your options open, that tells me that "that the things you want him to change about himself" couldn't be that bad - if they were, you would know in your heart that you could never go back.

Good luck

Do what you feel is right for yourself, you can't stay with someone if you're that unhappy.

OP (sorry, but I don't like your username as it's terribly derogative to you) - I can empathise with you the whole way. When I told friends/family about my decision to split up with my OH, their overwhelming response was that he was such a nice guy; a loving partner, a great dad, didn't womanise, didn't drink to excess, never laid a finger on me, etc, etc. YES YES YES I knew all that but I no longer loved him. Does that not count for anything?? I was definitely the bad guy in all this but I am 100 times happier now than I ever was in our relationship and in fact the day he moved out I honestly believe that I literally felt a great weight being lifted from my shoulders.

Nobody can tell you what is right or wrong and from the outside looking in we don't know the full facts. Only you will know what is best. But best for YOU.

Somebody doesn't have to be a a wife beating, adulterous kiddy fiddler for you to want to leave them!

My dh is none of those things, and 8yrs ago, while pregnant with our first child I left him. For many reasons. It happens.

I was away for a month before I realised what a huge mistake I had made & thankfully he took me back & things were/are fab!

OP, do what you have to do. It will be hard for you both, but you need to be sure! Good Luck!

I think the best comment here is the person who said that you need to stop waiting for his permission to leave. He isn't going to give it - and you have to believe that it is better for him in the long run for an unhappy marriage to end - if that's what happens.

If I was crying to my partner, but in his heart he wanted to go - I know that my rational side would want him to leave. If you could see into the future, if you get the strength to walk away and make the decision you know you want to make - he will recover.

I know you are trying to consider his feelings - but actually, giving this mixed message doesn't help. If anyone is ending a relationship - or asking for time out - they have to be clear and consistent (hard as it can be...). ONce you leave, he can deal with that. Right now, the pair of you are stuck - not able to process or deal with reality.

Do it, I bet you will be surprised by how he does cope, once the decision is made.

Leaving a husband because you simply 'don't love him anymore'.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you take vows when you get married?
Something along the lines of staying together in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer etc etc.
Sorry, but I'm a bloke and I get fed up of reading about women who think the grass is greener on the other side and as a consequence ditch a man who has stood by them through thick and thin for many,many years, even when he may have felt the same way himself.
Marriage is all about sacrifice.

Gawdon, what about the women who have stuck by their man through thick and thin for many years? We're not stupid enough to think that the grass is any greener elsewhere but does that mean we have to stay in a loveless relationship?

Oh and I was never married but I don't think that's particularly relevant in this instance.

Life is short and we all deserve happiness.

Actually, I think leaving a partner because you don't love them any more is one of the most valid reasons there is. And marriage is about compromise, not sacrifice IMO.

"Marriage is all about sacrifice"

Marriage is not all about sacrifice at all. Good marriages work because they are equal partnerships. Sometimes compromise is required but if anyone is in a relationship defined by being self-sacrificing, they're in a bad relationship!

Quite often, when sacrifice is involved, it's the woman's. Sacrifice of career to raise DC while DH pursues his own career. Sacrifice of income for the same reasons. Sacrifice of time and personal development because even in this day and age when both partners may work full time, the lion's share of childcare and domestic responsibilities fall on the woman. How many times do we see on here where a poster is upset because despite having the DC all week, her H wants to go off and pursue his hobbies on the weekend because "he's been hard at work all week". What about her time off?

Not saying the OPs H is anything like this BTW, but if I'd been married to a man who'd been able to pursue his career, his ambitions, his hobbies all off the back of me doing all the housework and rearing the children, I'd be keen to go as well if he hadn't even tried to change his ways and allow me the opportunities to at least realise soem of my own personal goals.

Have been thinking about doing the very same thing myself, and when I broached the subject 2 months ago DH cried (loudly enough for the kids to hear I'm sure) and refused to sleep in the spare room for a few nights to give me some space, so I can totally understand how you feel. My DH had an affair 2 years ago, (will probably post about it myself at some point) and I still don't have the bottle to do it, so I admire your bravery. Its a hard thing to do but you deserve to be happy and can't live your life to please other people. Good luck :)

Gawdonbennett, you've made a big assumption here "Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you take vows when you get married?"
Nope, not everyone takes vows when they get married. They are part of some Christian marriage services, but not all. In Judaism, the groom says "Harei at mekudeshet li, btaba'at zo, kedat Moshe v'Yisrael" (Behold, you are made holy to me, according to the laws of Moses and Israel"). There is a marriage contract which specifically anticipates what ought to happen if the marriage ends.

I don't know if the OP is Jewish or not, but I wanted to point out that you are locked into an outmoded way of thinking by assuming she has taken vows of the sort you describe.

As for this stuff about "I'm a bloke who's fed up of hearing about women who've dumped men who've stood by them through thick and thin". You think the traffic is that one-way, do you? Really? Really? I think you'll find that women tend to sacrifice a shitload more economic independence and much else besides for the sake of their marriages than men do, in general. Lots of women die each year because they, very sadly, stick by their violent and abusive men. So I'd find some other forum to express your anger, because it's not gonna find much empathy round here.

I think I made the point that I wasn't referring to women who lived with abusers.

I assume you have a very happy marriage/relationship, Gawdon, with mutual respect and love on both sides.

Enjoy!

Nope. I'm divorced and single....ironically :-)

OP, I had exactly the same situation as you are going through now. It was acutely difficult and painful for the first two years or so.

However, if I had stayed I would have made him miserable and that would have meant two of us miserable in a miserable marriage. Time having passed he is now in a really good relationship and is happy again, and so am I.

Nobody should expect their spouse to 'sacrifice' themselves to them. I wouldn't want my partner to sacrifice myself to me if he was miserable - i love him and want him to be happy.

I am in the same position as you and feel your pain. Trouble is that although we have been together 30 years our children are still young (8,11,15) been unhappy for a number of years culminating in 2 years of hell. Told H I want out. He won't go and I do not have the financial means to be the one to leave. My heart is breaking feeling his pain. He says he loves me but I have been destroyed by his words and actions of late and my love for him has died. But when he cries and begs me not to break up the family, not to make him leave his kids I waiver and crumble and do nothing. I feel paralysed. Your kids are older, you can do this. You must be brave x