I want to leave DH but it's upsetting him so much.

[crapwife]

I don't want to go into all the details or why and wherefores, but after a very long marriage, and adult DCs, I have decided after a HUGE amount of soul searching that I need to leave DH at least temporarily- say for 6 months- to see how I feel.
It's a long story- I have never been sure about "us" and have thought of leaving often but having a young family stopped me.

It's taken me ages to get to this stage and I am now looking at places to rent which I can hardly afford- it's going to come out of a nest egg- but I just feel I have to try it. I may miss him madly and be back in 2 weeks- or I may not. Another option is for him to move out- which would work better re. my work and needs for space etc.

However, his reaction- which is 100% understandable- is making it so hard that I am having doubts if I can follow through.

Every time we talk about it he cries, and says the bottom has fallen out of his world ( but admits he has had plenty of time to change and the signs were there for ages.) He doesn't know how he will cope and feel terrified it may be permanent.

He then accuses me of not being upset. Well yes, I am- have known him for 30 years- but it's taken me a huge amount of thought and guts to get this far in my thinking. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing, but I have to try it. i am not expecting him to wait for me if I leave and I know he may move on and even find someone else.

I have spent decades putting other people's happiness before my own and for once I am trying to work on me and what I want.

Has anyone else gone though this and how did you find the guts to leave someone who adores you and who desperately doesn't want you to go?

OP - I'm with Springchicken on this, her posts are what I'd say to you too.

But you do have to be a little more clear on with your H, is the 'I may come back, I may not'. Whilst I understand that you might leave and realise you've made a huge mistake, I think it's unfair to expect to be able to walk back in if that's the case.

Are you telling your H that you may come back to pacify him a little through guilt? Or do you have genuine doubt as to whether you really want to leave for good?

Plus, you owe yourself this release. If it really is over in your head and heart, then go. There is no point in staying with someone for the sake of 'insert applicable' is there?

Vows or not, sounds to me like you have tried to respect and live to your vows for the past 30 years! No?

Mouse-I think that I am unsure.

I did say in my original post that I did not expect DH to wait. However, I do acknowledge that I am not 100% sure that it's best to leave. Maybe that means I am not ready and more effort shoud be made by both of us.

I know that I could live like this for another 30 years- but do I want to?

The price I will pay is a loss of income, downsizing my home, possible estrangement from my children who will blame me, I am sure.
I may also be lonely. What I do not plan to do- so listen up Gawdon is put myself on the web to find another man!

Going back to the 6 month trial separation- if my DH is willing to try this- which he says he is- then I feel that is our choice and not one which should be judged by anyone else. He accepts that either or both of us may get used to being on our own in those months so it may be a point of no return.

My reasons for doing it are selfish, I admit. I will still be sitting on the fence- but after 27 years marriage it is hard to dissolve the ties with one clean cut. it also makes it kinder on our children to say we are taking time out from each other to sort out our feelings.
If he refuses to go along with this, fair enough.

Yes, he has treated me like a domestic appliance- but you could argue that I have treated him as a source of income and a provider of a very nice home. I have had the luxury of working as much or as little as I wanted to, although the reasons I only worked part time were to do with child care and lack of family around as a back up. I am now working almost full time out of choice.

What exaclty is the point of the 6 month trial period? What rules are you both expected to follow during it?

CW please at least agree between you what the ground rules are if it is to be a 'trial' ie where the boundaries lie, particularly wrt meeting other people. You say now that you won't but your whole view of life will change once you are out of the restraints of the partnership.
Having had the 'trial separation agreement idea is stupid' response and the following few months of having no idea of how to move forward I would recommend it to anyone. If you don't then you are trying to retain control and I would expect your husband might react in a very negative way.

OP - I agree with above poster re boundaries then.

If you go, there has to be equally acceptable rules and boundaries in place.

Seperation, tempory or not, is never easy. Your children are grown and can fend for themselves so this has to be about the two of you.

Take the emotional attachment away for a moment. What's left? Do you get on? Do you have a physical relationship?

Could you stay in the same house in seperate rooms for a while? Have you thought of (here's that word again) counselling? Seperate or together?

I knwo it's hard to watch your H crumble and cry at your feet but you are only making things harder for you both if you don't move this forward one way or another........

Typos, DS alseep on my arm, sorry

I don't see what's wrong with a 6 month trial separation - that's what CW is offering her DH at present. She takes an extended holiday from him and after 183 days she gives him her answer. He's within his rights to leave during that time frame if he wants - just as both of them were within their rights to do so in the last 20 years. I know husbands and wives who haven't seen each other for a YEAR because the husband has had to take a job in a different country because there was no work at home, and he wasn't allowed visas for his family to visit/they couldn't afford to visit. He works, saves the money, goes home, life goes on. 6 months is very short compared to the rest of their lives- or certainly the last 30 years.

Women don't actually have to go on internet dating sites, etc when they divorce/separate/are widowed. Women aren't really as needy as men seem to think they are......

Nobody can know or judge what anyone's marriage or family life is like behind closed doors. Regardless of what CW's husband does or doesn't do with regard chores or gifts, something must be wrong if it still isn't working. Many times, the problem is that a husband doesn't even sit down to ask his wife how she feels or what she would like - or indeed feedback to her what he liked about what she did. Relationship counsellors say that far more women leave relationships because they are taken for granted rather than what the spouse could or couldn't do.

I stayed in a relationship for ten years that after a year I wanted to be out of, it was the worse 9 years of my life seriously.

I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to have stayed in a marriage for 30 years when for 25 of them you didn't want to be there.

Get yourself a place of your own, and find yourself again, see how you fair alone I bet you love it and don't go back. It isn't your fault he still loves you, but you have moved on from him and need to branch out on your own.

Good luck in your endeavours.

I think there is every chance that if you are both prepared to give more you might be able to work through this. Write him a letter if he struggles to communicate and outline three things that would make you happier within your marriage. Ask him to reciprocate. You may be surprised and find it isn't insurmountable. I don't think you are sure about this being the end and it may well be an expression of absolute frustration on your part - feeling you are not being heard.
I wish you well.

"Every time we talk about it he cries, and says the bottom has fallen out of his world ( but admits he has had plenty of time to change and the signs were there for ages.) He doesn't know how he will cope and feel terrified it may be permanent."

Er, because he knows it will be. Permanent.

So he is turning on the emotional blackmaily-thing.

Poor icky wicky sausage.

Not.
He hasnt stepped up to the plate and your pleas have fallen on deaf ears. Dont feel a shred of guilt. What bloody wimp.

Hi, I understand totally. Husband of 18 years is good man but it has just run out of steam. So dont want to end up resenting him. Not sure how to say it because any discussion also brings tears and sadness from him. Need to leave but how to say it. Help!

You know I always thought women were supposed to be the caring ones, but the way you lot talk about her other half is shocking.
You mock him for being devastated. How should he feel?
You blame him for the way the marriage has gone. But let's face it, you don't know the OP from Adam, so for all you lot know she could be quite manipulative.
A lot of you are hypocrites I'm sorry to say. :-(

this makes very sad reading ... its usually the man dumping the woman and what an awful rotten rat he is then made out to be. its saddening to read hes totally destroyed by this and i can only say that we all know what men are like all the world over; they stick their heads in the sand. not saying you should stay with him necessarily but i really feel for the guy

gawdonbennett i have to agree with you about him not being like to usual slime balls women are describing on here. OP you say youve never been happy with him and he doesnt make you sparkle. Not being flippant here but what makes you think youll feel any different away from him. Youll still be in the same skin, doing the same things. Is the grass greener? Are you very meloncholic? Youve described him as not being very emotional, chatty etc. Couldnt you get what is missing from your gfs? Again not being flippant here but one cant expect our husbands to be all singing and all dancing in every aspect of our lives. I have a feeling you will leave and then realise actually I am in charge of my own happiness and attitude and its nothing to do with my husband at all!

It is never too late btw the man clearly wants you to stay even if he doesnt show you how much he appreciates you in the way you want him too and that is the crux from from what ive read his intentions are there, but they just dont translate for YOU

Have you read this book? It was great for my husband and I and explained a lot

www.amazon.co.uk/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commitment/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1306776796&sr=8-1