Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I want to leave DH but it's upsetting him so much.

89 replies

crapwife · 20/05/2011 10:58

I don't want to go into all the details or why and wherefores, but after a very long marriage, and adult DCs, I have decided after a HUGE amount of soul searching that I need to leave DH at least temporarily- say for 6 months- to see how I feel.
It's a long story- I have never been sure about "us" and have thought of leaving often but having a young family stopped me.

It's taken me ages to get to this stage and I am now looking at places to rent which I can hardly afford- it's going to come out of a nest egg- but I just feel I have to try it. I may miss him madly and be back in 2 weeks- or I may not. Another option is for him to move out- which would work better re. my work and needs for space etc.

However, his reaction- which is 100% understandable- is making it so hard that I am having doubts if I can follow through.

Every time we talk about it he cries, and says the bottom has fallen out of his world ( but admits he has had plenty of time to change and the signs were there for ages.) He doesn't know how he will cope and feel terrified it may be permanent.

He then accuses me of not being upset. Well yes, I am- have known him for 30 years- but it's taken me a huge amount of thought and guts to get this far in my thinking. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing, but I have to try it. i am not expecting him to wait for me if I leave and I know he may move on and even find someone else.

I have spent decades putting other people's happiness before my own and for once I am trying to work on me and what I want.

Has anyone else gone though this and how did you find the guts to leave someone who adores you and who desperately doesn't want you to go?

OP posts:

gawdonbennett · 20/05/2011 17:55

I like MN. I do find some of the stuff i read quite illuminating. Gives me an interesting insight into the female psyche.
I reckon there's a few blokes who lurk on here. I can't be the only one?

QuickLookBusy · 20/05/2011 17:59

OP I know you say you have been thinking about this for years, so my first inclination is to say just do it. However just be very sure it is what you really want. If after 6 months you decide you want to move back in, but he has found someone else, how will you feel? If you don't give 2 hoots then leave, if you would care then I would stay with him. I don't think you can change him, but you can make things happen to suit you.

For instance regarding the birthday things, my DH was very like yours when we first met. My first christmas present was a chocolate orange. I kid you not!
Subsequent presents weren't much better, despite hints from me. I then decided to just tell him what I would like. I have had beautiful jewellery, trips away, lovely smellies. I would prefer a romantic DH but he just isn't like that. I have accepted it but made sure I don't miss out.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/05/2011 18:25

You see, I'm amazed at the women who have endured being treated like a fuckable domestic appliance for decades. OP, men like your H might well blubber and claim to live you, but what they 'love' and will miss is the comfy billet, the cooked meals, the clean house, the availability of your body for sex without them having to make the effort of impressing a new woman.
If they loved you they would treat you as a person, listen to what you have to say, be aware of the things that matter to you and make a fucking effort. But men like this don't really think women merit any effort being made. Women are just ....women. They cook, they clean, they whine a bit but throwing a bunch of flowers in their direction usually puts a sotp to that, and if it doesn't you can learn to tune the whining out.

Original poster

crapwife · 20/05/2011 18:28

I really don't know how Iwould feel if he found someone else. I don't feel madly jealous, but neither do I feel completely unmoved. I suppose like lots of women in long marriages, I'd feel I had "trained him" and even though he can't make it happen for me- I do think it's too late- he may learn from his mistakes and be better the 2nd time round.

When we talk, he says he has been an awful husband and cries. That is not entirely true- but he has fallen short of what I dreamt my marriage would be like. But he has beena "good provider" and provided a comfortable home, and been a loyal father. he has just never made me feel great. Now I know I shouldn't need a man to feel great- I don't mean that- I suppose what I mean is I don't "sparkle" when I am with him. I just feel flat.

OP posts:

Original poster

crapwife · 20/05/2011 18:35

I do believe he loves me SCGB. he does things that I don't ask for- such as checking my car over before a long journey. He phones to let me know if he is going tobe late. He phones to ask if we need any shopping from the supermarket. He phones when he goes away with work to let me know he has arrived.
What he cannot do is housework, cooking and planning a meal, or a holiday, or a night out. I have played my part by being capable and getting on with all of this in return for his 6-figure salary and his supposed love for me.

I think it is insulting TBH that you claim to know whether he loves me- and you seem to think he doesn't- and that all he will miss is me being a top of the range domestic appliance and a sex goddess. I do have a personality you know, as well as all the other rest! Might he just not miss me- a tiny bit?

OP posts:

FattyAcid · 20/05/2011 18:36

You should leave for your own mental health
And recommend him to get counselling for his mental health.
If you can part on good terms and with respect for each other then so much the better for all concerned.

I wish you all the very best - you seem to be taking responsibility for your own happiness and only good will come of it imo

FattyAcid · 20/05/2011 18:39

I am sure he will miss you crapwife, and you him, but is this really the issue?
It is possible to show your love in different ways. If you are bothered about him finding another woman it sounds to me that the relationship is not dead?

Lipstickgal · 20/05/2011 18:40

You own your feelings. It is not your husband's responsibility to make you 'sparkle'.
I am curious if part and parcel of your reason for staying put and not moving on is that you are visiting some of your resentments and anger on him and enjoying watching him suffer? Maybe you haven't considered this as a possible motivation.
People who are desperately unhappy leave and will do whatever it takes. Is it possible that there is something of this marriage that can be salvaged?
Love is a transcient emotion. Love is demonstration of love rather than a feeling we have no control over. What loving things have you done recently to nourish your marriage?

atswimtwolengths · 20/05/2011 18:50

The thing is, that once you reach the OP's age, where the kids have gone and it's just the two of you, an awful lot of people realise that they don't want a life like that.

There's nothing wrong with that, if they've made an effort to make the marriage work for many years. Surely nobody nowadays says that someone should stay in an unhappy marriage?

OP, just a note of caution - you will probably find your husband is with someone else within a few months. Take it from me, men don't hang around being single (no offence, Gawdon!!)

BarbieGrows · 20/05/2011 18:53

saffysmum's got this spot on.
The only thing I have to add is that be aware that may go under a massive stress-load and do what you can to minimise it. The fact that he's blubbing is a good thing as he won't be bottling up stress which could damage his health. He's letting it all come out. All you can do is reassure him that he'll be OK and one day he'll be happier with someone else than he could ever be with you.
As saffysmum said, he can't possibly be happy if you are not. Be strong, you've done enough for everyone else, it's your turn to have fun now.

FattyAcid · 20/05/2011 19:34

I think it is right to be prepared that your dh will find a new partner faster and more easily than will you

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/05/2011 20:11

Crapwife: Interesting that you are firing up in your H's defence. You're right, I don't know him. But a lot of men do seem to treat their partners in the way I've described.

Do you think he is genuinely willing to learn to give you what you need? Or do you feel that no matter what he does it will be too late?

Lipstickgal · 20/05/2011 20:14

Are your expectations of your husband unreasonable?

loisebony · 20/05/2011 20:34

CW
yes dont like your username.....My H very much like yours......tried so many times to leave -now I HAVE....the best thing I have done-feel free++
I work hard-sold house and in rented-not worried about that-two boys age 13y and 15y.....they will survive.....could not stand feeling so miserable and lonely anymore!!! Do it.............

Saffysmum · 20/05/2011 20:43

Hi CW (another one here that doesn't like your username!) You say that you had the chance to leave him for an Ex 15 years ago, but you didn't.

This jumped out at me: Were you in contact with this ex because you were unhappy then? If so, why? Do you have your eye on someone else? If so, then fine, but please be honest with yourself, and tell us as much as possible, we want to help, but so far I think that you feel that you have done your husband a massive favour by staying with him, when in fact being honest now with yourself and him would be for the best. If you go, please go with the full intention of never going back - for both your sakes. I find it very concerning that you had the chance to go 15 years ago, but didn't take it - that's a lot of time for both of you to be unhappy.

BG - thanks for your kind comments!

Sloobreeus · 20/05/2011 22:49

It's a tendency and I am very cynical but just watch how long it takes him to find someone else. He may well be right out of the starting blocks as soon as you have split up. If splitting is the right thing to then do it - he hasn't made the effort hitherto so why should you respond to his emotional blackmail now?

dollius · 20/05/2011 23:20

Gawdon, I think everyone will agree with me that men are very welcome here. But you need to try to actually listen to what people are saying.
This lady has described a life of loyally supporting her husband for 30 years, while he has got on with his career, she has done all the housework, cooked all the meals, raised the children, and he can't even be bothered to work out what she might like for her birthday.
Marriage vows include the word "cherish". He doesn't sound like he's been doing a lot of that. I agree with SGB. It sounds like he is more upset about losing his live-in maid. OP deserves a lot more than that out of life.

gawdonbennett · 20/05/2011 23:46

He sorts the car.....brings shopping home.......has been a good provider.....a devoted father.....tells you he loves you......is considerate and phones you regularly.....what more has the poor sod gotta do to show you he loves you?
Wake up woman, real life is not all about hearts and flowers. This man sounds like a fukkin dreamboat compared to most of the slimeballs described by the women who use this forum.

LittleHousebytheRiver · 20/05/2011 23:58

CW Another happy escapee here. I left after 28 years with my H doing all the domestics and childrearing and admin and including the major DIY. He cried he ranted he drank more than usual he drove the car at 100mph to show how upset I had made him. I left him with the teenage DC because he would not consider moving out of "His" house.
8 Months later I am happily installed down the road and getting on fine with life. He has met a clever pretty lady who thinks he is wonderful and he is happier than he has been in years. Thank goodness.
You must look out for yourself. Life is not a rehearsal. Make a plan one step at a time. Tell him it is just a trial if it helps him accept it. Then just GO!
You will grieve but you will recover and life will be full of excitement and potential again. Good luck.

And GW you sound horribly self satisfied. Why on earth did your DW end the marriage if you were so perfect?

longgrasswhispers · 21/05/2011 08:31

You should go. As one of the other posters said, your feelings are just as important as his. But don't tell him it's a 'trial'. That's not fair on him - he'll spend 6 months hoping to get you back and it will be 6 months of sheer hell for him (confused, waiting, hoping, minutely going over every detail of your life together to see where he went wrong, trying to prove he's improved bla bla bla). He needs a clean break. I appreciate you're trying not to burn your bridges in case it doesn't work out for you and you want to go back, but that really isn't fair on him.

Original poster

crapwife · 21/05/2011 10:14

Thanks everyone.
Gawdon - if you have all the answers- which you appear to think you have- why did your wife leave you?

What you gave her was not enough- so maybe you need to start listening to what women are saying and dispense with your cliched responses.

It might be news to you- I can pay someone to fix the car, deliver the shopping,etc etc. He will always be a good father whether we live in the same house or not- he is doing that for his kids not for me!

I can put a roof over my head- I did before I married.

You have a very old-fashioned notion of "women's work" and "men's work" within a relationship.

What you don't seem to understand are the emotions behind a possible break up. I wonder if that is why you are on your on now?

OP posts:

seedlessgrape · 21/05/2011 10:19

CW you don't even have to pay anyone to do those things; I'm a single mum and for the past 6 years I've done everything myself, changing tyres on my car, doing DIY, putting the rubbish out (hardly rocket science!), doing the shopping, providing for my daughter etc etc.... it's very emancipating!

I agree that Gawdon needs to think carefully about a man's uses in life ... but that's an entirely different topic!!

Good luck in whatever you decide to do CW x

seedlessgrape · 21/05/2011 10:21

Oh and just to add, I'm not looking for a medal and I didn't split up from my OH just to prove that I can survive without him, but Gawdon's post annoyed me in so far as he thinks we should be grateful to our OHs for whatever they do around the house!

gawdonbennett · 21/05/2011 11:27

I'm single through choice nowadays ;-)
I cook, clean, do the shopping etc. In fact I'm quite a reasonable cook. On top of that I also know how to DIY, car stuff and other blokey things and I'm fairly easy on the eye and fit.
I'm quite a catch really ;-)
Ladies please form an orderly queue.

BabyYoureAFirework · 21/05/2011 12:45

gawdon, something tells me that the queue may be a little short

Flip

1 2 3 4