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Original poster

dh fuming about birthday presents, what do I do?

99 replies

ErnesttheBavarian · 19/05/2011 08:12

This is going to be long, as I want to avoid an AIBU by stealth type situation, sorry.

It's dh birthday today. This morning gave him a couple small presents this morning, he leaves for work without even saying goodbye - I phone and ask what's wrong, he's pissed off about the presents. OK, they were crappy.

We have just bought something BIG and got no money, so we'd agreed just small token presents.

It was my birthday 2 days ago he got me a mug (traditional little present off him to me, if he goes away he might bring me a mug from that city) and a bag of sweets from the kids and truffles from him.

I got him a book, a book light and a key ring.
I got him a book light before and now it doesn't work properly. He had said he'd try to fix it, so is cross I got another book light.
The book is crap and he says, probably rightly, that it's something even my mum or someone who hardly knows him might get.
He doesn't use, need or want a key ring.

He feels hurt that I have put such little thought into it and that it looks like I hardly know him.

trouble is, I could think of a few (expensive things to get, eg he needs a new guitar, but it's something he should buy himself really, and anyway, we don't have the money right now.
plus Had 2 kids home poorly this week, so really limited, couldn't exactly get the train up town and browse for hours.....

I have with him a similar problem. Most other presents (Christmas and birthdays) he buys me jewellery, often miles more expensive than I feel comfortable with. I don't wear jewellery often and feel he's just got it like, "what can I get the wife?, Oh I know, another necklace/ring whatever", I don't think this shows much thought but don't want to appear ungrateful, so have dropped hints not to get me jewellery but not had a tantrum.

Trouble is he doesn't need anything, so yes, when faced with what should I get him, I have no ideas, particularly as if he sees anything he wants or needs, he'll just buy it anyway.

So how do I apologise/fix with dh about his disappointment over these presents, and should I point out he shows similar lack of thought imo with the jewellery, or do I leave that out totally and deal with it another time?

OP posts:
colditz · 19/05/2011 08:15

as i have just taught my 8 and 5 year olds, the ONLY appropriate response when given a present is to say "Thank you very much" and smile. there is no other appropriate response. It's a shame your husband hasn't been taught this. what a fucking brat

davidtennantsmistress · 19/05/2011 08:16

sorry but I think he's being a spoilt child over it - how bloody ungreatful, would be tempted to take all his presents back tbh.

I certainly wouldn't say sorry but much less point out what you'd agreed.

natwebb79 · 19/05/2011 08:16

Sorry but how old is he??!! You've had kids ill at home to look after so you've both got a family to keep and you'd agreed to keep it very low key because of recent big purchases. Blimey - I hope your kids don't see his behaviour as something to copy if they're not over keen on their presents in the future! Sorry to sound harsh but I think you should let him sulk away until he grows up and snaps out of it.

BestNameEver · 19/05/2011 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ErnesttheBavarian · 19/05/2011 08:18

I feel the same tbh, which is why I have smiled and accepted the gifts he has given me, even if I feel disappointed with yet another necklace that I won't wear.

So, what do I do?

I'd happily never get another present so I don't have to give him one, it's so stressful buying for someone who doesn't need anything.

OP posts:
natwebb79 · 19/05/2011 08:20

I seriously would ignore him until he decides to act like a grown adult. I'm sure he'll snap out of it once he realises you're not going to play ball. Oh - and don't bother buying him presents in future. Get him a high street voucher or something so he can go and buy his own fabulous' present.

davidtennantsmistress · 19/05/2011 08:21

are you sensitive to his feelings though or do you act like a child over it?

verycherry · 19/05/2011 08:22

He is behaving a little like a spoilt child. Is it not about the actual giving/receiving? I don't really see how he has the nerve to be anything other than pleased that he has a few pressies especially as you had comparable pressies cost/thought wise?!

Re: the jewellery thing, my Dp does this too. I have to be really specific with present suggestions - he either just can't be arsed to really think or just doesn't have a clue. Last year I asked for a silver bracelet for my birthday, he had bought me a pandora 2 years before, he bought me another! Lovely gift but I already have one! This year I'll just show him exactly what I would like - its the only way.

insertfunnynicknamehere · 19/05/2011 08:28

Sorry to go against the grain but I think YABU. You put absolutely no thought into the gifts. If you were in a shop I'm sure you could have spent an extra 5 mins thinking about what book he would like. And who on earth wants a key ring? He is pissed because you look like you can't be arsed, it looks like you don't know him at aLl.
He gets you the jewellry every year because you tell him you like it. Tell him you don't want it!
Having said that HIBU for not talking about this like an actual adult.

FabbyChic · 19/05/2011 08:29

I think you should mention the fact that when he gives you presents with no thought behind it you smile gratefully and accept them.

It is time to voice it now whilst he has the grumps with you over the same thing.

Just as an aside, you have had time to prepare for his birthday and could have gone to town weeks ago, just a thought.

oldenoughtowearpurple · 19/05/2011 08:29

What the above said about bad manners and brattishness.

I always thought I wanted surprise presents, but when DP was new he begged me to tell him what I wanted as he had no idea and knew he would get it wrong. (especailly when he saw my face at his suggestion that we should get a joint present of something 'useful' for xmas like a new vacuum cleaner).

So now I tell him EXACTLY what I want, and he gets it (sometimes with me), and wraps it and I open it on my birthday and it's LOVELY. I am converted.

Original poster
ErnesttheBavarian · 19/05/2011 08:30

what do you mean dtm?

I understand his disappointment, but I genuinely couldn't think of anything better and got a 2 yr old with d&v so did a mad desperate dive in the shop and grabbed a couple of things that I thought he would like. I didn't think he would be able to repair the other book light, and I know he uses it, so I did think it was an ok present. The book I understand what he says re it being anonymous, but frankly, I had a 5 minute window and couldn't spend forever browsing for the perfect book.

am I sensitive to his feelings - well I think asking here for advice and acknowledging that I understand why he feels the way he does show I feel sensitive to his feelings. I haven't reacted angrily to him. tbh I am shocked and disappointed he feels that way, but I say again, he doesn't need anything. I'm not a magician. With no time or money, there's a finite number of gifts and ideas that you can present someone with and still have the wow factor. Clearly this failed spectacularly :(

DO I act like a child over it? Over what? His response? No, I didn't say anything really. I apologised and say I was sorry he was disappointed, but then he "had to go".

I am trying to get ideas from you lot as to how best to handle it.

This problem is likely to recur three times a year for the rest of my life so I need some sort of plan.

OP posts:
Ciske · 19/05/2011 08:33

Re: not knowing what to buy. I often find myself in that situation because, if DP wants something desperately which is not overly expensive, he will already have bought it for himself.

If I'm really stuck in a year, I solve it by gifting him a nice meal out for two, and over Christmas we buy something together for both us, or put it towards a weekend away. This solves the problem of wasting money on stuff nobody wants.

Can you take the book back and get a voucher or something else instead?

Lovedmyheyday · 19/05/2011 08:38

Surely you should have equal access to funds. Why can DH afford to buy things that you cannot? Is this what you are trying to show him,indirectly?

Original poster
ErnesttheBavarian · 19/05/2011 08:39

FC, I know. I am crap. Our birthdays are 2 days apart and I always leave it to the last minute. Thing is, sometimes he spends a lot onl me, and when I've bought his gifts early I#ve been embarrassed at me poor offerings next to his extravagant gift, so I#ve tended to wait till my birthday then go shopping the next day so I can gauge the present iyswim. But you're right, it's his birthday every year. I am crap about leaving things to the last minute.

I got a key ring, cos the BIG purchase was a flat, so it was sort of jokey little token present key ring for the new keys to the new flat. I didn't think it was so shit an idea, but well, clearly it was.

I have tried to politely suggest no more jewellery. I tell him I like it cos I was brought up to say thank you for my gifts and to be grateful for them. Dh got me a watch recently. my ds looked at it and said would you really like that mummy, the face is really small (He knows I like big watches - have poor eye sight). Even my 10 yr old ds could see it wasn't the ideal present. I said I would accept it gratefully and not ask daddy to change it, cos it was a lovely thing for him to do for me and I loved it just cos he bought it for me.

OP posts:
QuintessentialOldMoo · 19/05/2011 08:39

Ignore him.

Like you ignore a toddler with a strop.

I have absolutely NO sympathy for adults getting a hump regards to the wrong present.

Is this your husbands sister? Wink Show him that thread, and tell him he is no better ....

Original poster
ErnesttheBavarian · 19/05/2011 08:43

we do have equal access to funds?

He just has a different financial sence than me. I am happy with a watch that costs 30 quid from M&S. His taste it more like 1000, so that's why I tend to wait and see what he's got to try and learn and gauge. I'd feel mean if I spent 30 quid on him when he's bought me an expensive present. It's hard when we have different attitude to money.

This year I thought it would be easier. Just small.

I've even suggested no more presents at all, neither of us need anything and he especially will just buy himself whatever he wants when he wants or needs it. But he didn't agree.

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 19/05/2011 08:48

Spolit child. Birthday presents are for children. Ignore him until he grows up.

verycherry · 19/05/2011 08:53

Actually Ernest I think the presents you bought were fine, both the booklight and the keyring were thoughtful and a book is a book.

He is being rude, ill mannered and an arse.

Do you think he was hankering after something else?

thumbwitch · 19/05/2011 08:53

Tell him you'll take the presents back and he can have the money for something. Like you might to a stroppy teenager (like my mum did to us when we were that ungrateful)
Mention that you always graciously accept whatever he gives you, even though it might not be relevant/what you want - that's manners and being adult about it.
Yes, you need to tell him that. Yes, you need to make a stand over it or he will behave like a spoilt brat every time but still get away with giving you whatever he feels like.
But be gentle about it.

jocie · 19/05/2011 09:03

for what its worth i think the keyring was a great idea given that you've just bought a flat. i can see your logic in it but maybe he couldn't!
men quite often have different ideas about things then us!
The year after we were married i bought dh a foot pedal thing for his guitar for when he does gigs. ( it was on his list) I spent ages looking for one and even got his brother who also plays guitar to help me look so i would get the appropriate one! When dh opened it he didn't seem overly impressed and then a bit later told me that it wasn't really the right one although it did fit his guitar and amp!! I was sooo upset as id spent ages trying to get the right one and he'd put it on his list! We talked about it and came to the agreement that if either of us wanted something specific we'd right it down specifically on our list.( we'd do a long list so that there was still some sort of surprise elemnt to it)
We also agree a limit so maybe you could do that and then you could get something in the weeks leading up as you'd know you'd both be spending around about the same amount.

Hullygully · 19/05/2011 09:07

Birthdays do weird things to people.

It's often about something much deeper and bigger.

ShoutyHamster · 19/05/2011 09:12

How rude and ungrateful of him.

  1. He needs to learn some manners. Firstly, he sounds as if he equates spending money with giving a good gift. Well, maybe now you should point out to him that that's not the case. He's spent many years actually putting very little thought into your gifts, and you've not particularly welcomed many of them. Now he knows how it feels, maybe he could learn from the way he feels now.
  1. I suppose that 1. will come as a shock to him, 'But I never realised' - Well yes, that's because you had the kindness and good manners not to throw a gift back in his face. Unlike him. Maybe he could learn from this too.
  1. You are adults with children. I assume he knows that you were dealing with a sick child yesterday, and that you have little money at the moment? And you'd already agreed not to spend much? Really, birthday present cock-ups should by now be way down the list of things to strop about. Does he really think that this disappointment, what, actually says something about how much you care about him or something? If so, tell him to grow up. Really. Very immature.

The only mistake you've made here, if you can call it that, is to have got in the habit of waiting to see what he's got you and then matching it. Why is he in charge of the way the birthdays are dealt with?? - do you see what I mean by that? Is it because you know that if you get it wrong he will strop? Next year, have a think about what YOU'D like to get him, way in advance, and just do it. Whether the cost is a careful equivalent to his choice should matter not a jot. If it matters to him, he's the one who needs to revise the way he thinks.

WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 19/05/2011 09:25

hmm I'm on the fence here. I do think people should be grateful for presents, but I'm reminded of lots of other threads I've seen where it's the other way round. All the complaining about DHs giving rubbish gifts and it showing they don't know their DWs at all, which is inexcusable...

I don't know really.

But I agree you should agree a spending limit each year. And I really recommend having an Amazon wishlist for presents - so not just stuff you want for yourself. I have lots of books, DVDs etc that I add to it throughout the year, when I think of/see something that DH (and other relatives) might like. That way when it comes to special occasions I have a selection of possible presents without any rush.

ShoutyHamster · 19/05/2011 09:34

Trouble is that seems to be what he's already been doing for years anyway - going to no throught and getting a 'rubbish' (as in something OP doesn't actually want) gift. Just because it costs a good amount doesn't make that ok. OP's dropped hints she doesn't want any more jewellery - but hes carried on anway. No thought.

Then the one year less thought goes into his gift, for some pretty clear reasons (not just because OP couldn't be bothered), he strops.

Brat!!

Maybe OP's response should be to decide on something to become His Birthday Gift, and keep giving him variants year after year despite his protests...