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Original poster

dh fuming about birthday presents, what do I do?

99 replies

ErnesttheBavarian · 19/05/2011 08:12

This is going to be long, as I want to avoid an AIBU by stealth type situation, sorry.

It's dh birthday today. This morning gave him a couple small presents this morning, he leaves for work without even saying goodbye - I phone and ask what's wrong, he's pissed off about the presents. OK, they were crappy.

We have just bought something BIG and got no money, so we'd agreed just small token presents.

It was my birthday 2 days ago he got me a mug (traditional little present off him to me, if he goes away he might bring me a mug from that city) and a bag of sweets from the kids and truffles from him.

I got him a book, a book light and a key ring.
I got him a book light before and now it doesn't work properly. He had said he'd try to fix it, so is cross I got another book light.
The book is crap and he says, probably rightly, that it's something even my mum or someone who hardly knows him might get.
He doesn't use, need or want a key ring.

He feels hurt that I have put such little thought into it and that it looks like I hardly know him.

trouble is, I could think of a few (expensive things to get, eg he needs a new guitar, but it's something he should buy himself really, and anyway, we don't have the money right now.
plus Had 2 kids home poorly this week, so really limited, couldn't exactly get the train up town and browse for hours.....

I have with him a similar problem. Most other presents (Christmas and birthdays) he buys me jewellery, often miles more expensive than I feel comfortable with. I don't wear jewellery often and feel he's just got it like, "what can I get the wife?, Oh I know, another necklace/ring whatever", I don't think this shows much thought but don't want to appear ungrateful, so have dropped hints not to get me jewellery but not had a tantrum.

Trouble is he doesn't need anything, so yes, when faced with what should I get him, I have no ideas, particularly as if he sees anything he wants or needs, he'll just buy it anyway.

So how do I apologise/fix with dh about his disappointment over these presents, and should I point out he shows similar lack of thought imo with the jewellery, or do I leave that out totally and deal with it another time?

OP posts:
Hullygully · 19/05/2011 11:29

We need psychological insights, not scissor war. Tut.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 19/05/2011 11:30
pregnantpause · 19/05/2011 11:32

Monetary value and worth are NOT necessarily related. a cheap m and s watch would be worth more to you than the expensive watch. the expensive watch is worth less.
I find it hard to understand why you have to wait to buy him a gift just in case he spends more/less. Why do you feel mean giving a lower priced gift? do you really think that monetary value is the basis on which to judge a gift?
I dont want to sound trite but, well, its the thought that counts.
He obviously doesnt value or appreciate the thought that you have put in. ( the light was a lovely thought, it saves him time in fixing it and shows that you are aware of his needs/wants. Equally thoughtful keyring. And i assume you bought a book as an aide to the book light. any book will do.)
You obviously feel uspet by his reaction more because you DID think about the gifts. His mug gifted to you you say iss a traditional gift. you did not have a traditional choice to lean on. As uggested above you should explain that he is an adult and his behaviour is rude and offensive, and whats more you need to make him see the thought you did put in and regardless of cost that should mean something to him!

stickytoffeepud · 19/05/2011 11:35

how old is he? when does he start big school?

greygirl · 19/05/2011 11:46

if your birthdays are that close can't you go shopping together to get each other's presents? with a sort of tag-team childminding approach? or go out for dinner as a present to each other? (or a take-away or a special home-cooked one if you've a bit skint at the moment).

i'm with saying what you want, and asking them.

but i think it's a bit much throwing a strop over the presents.

Pagwatch · 19/05/2011 11:59

Oh it all depends on too many things really.

The 'i didn't have time' thing is a bit lame to be honest, unless his birthday moved and you were not expecting it. How difficult is it to spend an evening googling a couple of books he might like and then walk into a bookshop and say ' I would like this, this or this'

Is he sulky just about this and for no good reason or was this an final straw type thing.

And have you said 'i really don't want jewellery' or have you said 'oh you shouldn't have' which can sound like the opposite.

But he is indeed being a twat to be sulk.
You need to find out what is going on. And not blame the children for not having bothered.

Birthdays are important to me because I have ishooos. Are they important to him?

IThinkTooMuch · 19/05/2011 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore · 19/05/2011 12:44

The thing that convinces me he's a controlling, bratty knob is the fact that he told you off for buying him a new booklight when he wanted to fix the old one himself.

How desperately did he want to fix the bloody thing for him to be so ungracious about such a thoughtful gift??

'You wanker for buying me a new watch! I wanted to fix this knackered one and now you've ruined it all!!'

Confused
Original poster
ErnesttheBavarian · 19/05/2011 12:48

wow, so many answers.

I do feel disappointed he's disappointed and can sort of see it's not the present as such, but he feels hurt that he thinks I put little thought into it or it was like I didn't know him. I get that. But like I said, I did put a lot of thought into it and I mainly thought - I can't think of anything. Other than a new guitar he doesn't want or need anything, so what are you supposed to do???

Anyway, a short while ago he sent a message apologising "sorry about this mooring. i feel I was very childish and petty not to say ungrateful. It was uncalled for. Sorry".

Aw. Think is, I am going to make a special dinner tonight and a birthday cake, so I feel that should be enough. Will definitely be trying again to agree to no more presents.

OP posts:
nomedoit · 19/05/2011 12:58

I LOVE vouchers. Finally got my DH to agree, I go off and actually get some clothes. Then a couple of small things as well. I think it is a bit sad when couples say they don't do each others birthdays. Honestly, OP, I think you could have made a bit more effort. I get virtually all my DH's stuff online about a month in advance. There is plenty of stuff out there if you take the time to look and I speak as someone whose DH wears the same style of clothes all the time, has no hobbies and rents all films as soon as they come out on DVD - and doesn't eat sweets.
Try Etsy - at Christmas I bought him a really nice screenprint of a tree for $10 and bought a ready made frame. Cost $20, looked v expensive. They also have nice little boxes etc.

Kewcumber · 19/05/2011 13:01

squiggle - single life isdefinitely less complicated! Attractive depends on your own frame if mind though!

Original poster
ErnesttheBavarian · 19/05/2011 13:09

good point (in my defence Wink) about the mug. It's just something he's always done, rather than what I want. DOn't get me wrong, I'm happy the get a mug, we have one from our trip to Scotland, he brought me one back from NY, just a little token gift, and I have a sweet tooth, so tbh I think I was easy and didn't require much thought at all!

I don't have a safetly fall-back-on easy option.

And Pag, it isn't so easy to just walk into a book shop and get him something as we are in Germany, the selection of english books is pretty limited and more mainstream top 20 bestsellers and chick lit type stuff which wouldn't interest him either.

But yes, I will deffo do this earlier next year. I guess I was in denial about my birthday so let it creep up on me and take me by surprise.

Frankly, I think my gifts, plus cooking tonight and birthday cake DO amount to a lot more thought and effort in total, but the point is that he feels upset and let down.

OP posts:
BarbaraBar · 19/05/2011 13:10

How about buying yourselves a joint present every year instead, especially as your birthdays are so close. Something you need for the house or a night away, or a lovely meal out, or a bottle or 2 of fizz/really fab wine to enjoy when the dc are in bed?

Dh and I have been doing this recently and it's quite good fun choosing the present between us. We've done a day at the races, a day on a boat and stuff like that. Although, this year we bought a tree house for the children so have said that's our present to each other... Hmm

JanMorrow · 19/05/2011 13:12

I'm sorry, but he got you a MUG for your birthday.. presumably you didn't throw a wobbly about that? Tell him to grow up.. you're both rubbish at buying presents, face it!

aliceliddell · 19/05/2011 13:15

Did you say he often buys you a mug? Or just treats you like one?

Pagwatch · 19/05/2011 13:17

Ok. Smile

But my essential point remains the same doesn't it? That having to walk into a bookshop and grab something isn't really the only alternative unless you have given it no thought until the last minute.

I struggled to get to the shops when ds2 was small because of his issues. So I did stuff on line. Or planned the night before what exactly I would try to get so I was in and out as quickly as possible.

It would be easy to join in with the 'he's a wanker' chorus. I was just suggesting that maybe he did have a small point that you hadn't really bothered. However badly he behaved.

But he has apologised so hopefully all is well now Smile

Original poster
ErnesttheBavarian · 19/05/2011 13:20

I wouldn't say he treats me like a mug. He did throw a wobbly this morning, and has now twice apologised about that. He is very generous, and often buys me gifts, a couple of months ago he bought me a watch, and last week he bought me a book and the week before a new bag, just for no reason. (Do need to know the jewellery on the head though) I thought I had been clear, def. not in a coy ooh you shouldn't have type way, but clearly not direct enough.
I had suggested we call the flat our present, given we only just completed, but he did get me something so I felt I had to reciprocate. In fact the book he got me last week is exactly the one I would have got him but he beat me to it.

OP posts:
nomedoit · 19/05/2011 13:20

If you are in Germany you def need to shop online. I'm in the US and I get all my Brit stuff online. How about next year getting him a prezzie and then making him up a basket of assorted Brit chocolate bars? I use Britsuperstore.com. M&S ship overseas, they have loads of stuff, a fallback I used was one of their tracksuits or as they all them "loungewear". They also have books, DVDs, photo frames. You can also try the London Transport Museum. They have a really nice posters, clocks, ornaments and sell online. I want the retro station clock but it's a bit pricey.

Original poster
ErnesttheBavarian · 19/05/2011 13:23

pag, I agree with you. My presents were lacking in thought and I hadn't put much time or effort in. I didn't ask for a wanker chorus, but real ideas on how to fix this,

As you say, think it is fixed.

Now need solution, cos even if I put loads more time and effort in, I'm going to be in the same situation 3 times a year cos I can't think what to get his as he already gets it himself anyway.

ps what do I make for dinner tonight! Shock

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 19/05/2011 13:32

It is a pisser when they give you no clues and don't obviously need stuff.

Dh is the same. And I give hints plus he has great ideas for me.

I have now started asking him for a list. I get presents for him from ds2 and have to help dd chose so it gets harder all the time.

I have started more events/activities for him - of course they are expensive though. But he is doing a cookery day with dd next Saturday which was his Christmas present from her which he loved.
I got him a huge apple pie from ds2 last birthday as it is his fav.

But bloody difficult.

I am a crap cook so can't help you re dinner. Grin

willselfless · 19/05/2011 13:50

No helpful advice but this reminds me of my ex. He sulked for MONTHS when the (carefully thought about) presents and day out I got him for his birthday weren't to his liking. Apparently saying 'thank you' and keeping his opinions to himself wasn't an option: he felt I hadn't put as much effort into my present buying as him and therefore he had a right to be upset. He was over 40 and I thought his attitude was immature and pathetic. I think it was one of the (many) reasons our relationship broke down.

Sorry, an unhelpful rant!

piprabbit · 19/05/2011 13:57

One Father's Day my Mum was stuck in our tiny village, no car 2 and me ill in bed with flu.

Dad got given 50p for a pint of beer, wrapped in a crappy little 'mat' (i.e. useless bit of fabric the size of a coaster) that I had made on my toy loom.

Dad was nothing short of kind, gracious and apparently delighted (even if he was secretly Hmm).

The OPs DH is being a bit of an ungrateful bugger. He knows that OPs presents were a bit pants, she knows that her presents were a bit pants and feels guilty. He really didn't need to have a paddy about it.

OberonTheHopeful · 19/05/2011 14:01

Get him some 'Mister Grumpy' slippers next time?

natwebb79 · 19/05/2011 14:22

Oh well, he's obviously feeling a bit of a knobby now then. Perhaps he was expecting a bad day at work or something? Good luck for the dinner and cake (I really want some cake now!!) :)

thumbwitch · 19/05/2011 15:19

Glad he's realised he over-reacted a bit and I think your dinner and cake sounds lovely. I like it when the blokes in these threads turn out to be decent humans who just had an off day. :)