dh fuming about birthday presents, what do I do?

[ErnesttheBavarian]

This is going to be long, as I want to avoid an AIBU by stealth type situation, sorry.

It's dh birthday today. This morning gave him a couple small presents this morning, he leaves for work without even saying goodbye - I phone and ask what's wrong, he's pissed off about the presents. OK, they were crappy.

We have just bought something BIG and got no money, so we'd agreed just small token presents.

It was my birthday 2 days ago he got me a mug (traditional little present off him to me, if he goes away he might bring me a mug from that city) and a bag of sweets from the kids and truffles from him.

I got him a book, a book light and a key ring.
I got him a book light before and now it doesn't work properly. He had said he'd try to fix it, so is cross I got another book light.
The book is crap and he says, probably rightly, that it's something even my mum or someone who hardly knows him might get.
He doesn't use, need or want a key ring.

He feels hurt that I have put such little thought into it and that it looks like I hardly know him.

trouble is, I could think of a few (expensive things to get, eg he needs a new guitar, but it's something he should buy himself really, and anyway, we don't have the money right now.
plus Had 2 kids home poorly this week, so really limited, couldn't exactly get the train up town and browse for hours.....

I have with him a similar problem. Most other presents (Christmas and birthdays) he buys me jewellery, often miles more expensive than I feel comfortable with. I don't wear jewellery often and feel he's just got it like, "what can I get the wife?, Oh I know, another necklace/ring whatever", I don't think this shows much thought but don't want to appear ungrateful, so have dropped hints not to get me jewellery but not had a tantrum.

Trouble is he doesn't need anything, so yes, when faced with what should I get him, I have no ideas, particularly as if he sees anything he wants or needs, he'll just buy it anyway.

So how do I apologise/fix with dh about his disappointment over these presents, and should I point out he shows similar lack of thought imo with the jewellery, or do I leave that out totally and deal with it another time?

Gosh, he sounds like terribly hard work OP. I honestly couldn't be chewed.

I love buying presents for people usually but your DH sounds like a nightmare. Tell him you'll buy him a mug every year from now on, just so he knows what to expect and he can manage his disappointment. Ungrateful bugger.

He is acting a little childishly but I can kind of see where he is coming from about the thoughtlessness. It's not about the money, it's about knowing him and knowing what would really mean something to him. And bothering to spend the time thinking about it. If he doesn't want/need anything materially, think about what he really does value- cook a special meal for him and spend the whole night together, arrange for his best friends to come over as a surprise, organising a day trip or activity that you know he will enjoy. His gifts do sound equally thoughtless though.

Well, the weekend's coming up. Tell him, "Yes dear, I'm sorry your presents were a bit crap but I didn't have much time to shop with the children in tow. I'll pop out on Saturday and get you something more special"

Then leave him with the kids and bugger off for the day.

He sounds a total dick. He buys you presents that you have repeatedly tried gently to explain that you neither want nor like, yet throws a hissyfit the one time you get him something quick and easy because of having sick DC. Is he a spoilt whinyarse in other areas of your life, OP? This sort of immature selfishness usually spreads right through a person. Does he duck out of tasks, sulk if you won't have sex, always have to have his wishes take priority when it comes to meals, outings, hobbies and what to watch on TV?

'Amusing' socks next year, OP.

Or a novelty tie?

I still can't see his side at all! If you're in a loving relationship, committed enough to have had children together etc. then surely birthday presents shouldn't even cross your mind!! My other half has never really 'done' Valentines but the fact that he's a sweetheart all year round means that I couldn't give a toss. A lot of my friends who get extravagant gifts for Valentines/birthdays etc. have to put up with their husbands being utter knobs for a lot of the rest of the time. I know what I'd prefer!

A couple of things jump out at me. Firstly, stating the obvious, he sounds very ungrateful.

It's difficult when money is tight, but to be honest, I know my DW prefers things that I have spent time and effort thinking about (and possibly making)than things that cost lots. She doesn't like either of us spending money for the sake of spending money. So I really have to remember to plan ahead and put the thought in a few weeks before. (God it's taken me ages to learn some creativity!) Just an idea for you that might show that the thought and effort has gone in.

As ShoutyHamster says, the cost of it shouldn't make any difference at all, so you shouldn't worry about comparing his present to you. In fact, if you have spent time and effort thinking and possibly making something for him, he should be the one that is embarrased by simply throwing money at your presents and not giving them any thought.

By the way, you say you have hinted that you don't want any more jewellery - have you told him directly? Make sure you do at some point. Good luck :)

He sounds awful Ernest.

I always buy my dh crap presents. He gives me lovely, thoughtful gifts. He now drops hints and I say "Oh, shall I buy you that for your birthday?" He would never be ungrateful. What a terrible trait in a person.

I cant believe a grown man is behaving like such a twat, when two days ago, all he got YOU was a fucking cup!....Honestly, I would tell him to go shove it up his arse!

Ask him.

Ask him why he finds in so upsetting in light of the fact that on the surface it appears so mad.

My dh awful to buy presents for, never knows what he wants/needs. Sometimes as much as I hate to admit I don't even bother buying him anything. But he nevers throws it in my face, he admits he is hard to buy for and would rather wait until a book he really wants comes out or something.

SGB, just what was running through my mind... sometimes repeatedly buying someone expensive presents that they don't really want or like that much can be a form of control. It's like saying, "this is what you should like".

OP, do you feel like he tries to impose his taste on you? Or is he just thoughtless? Either way, he's acted like a total knob-end about your presents.

I'm with Hully. Ask him directly why he is behaving like a brat. Embarrass him in to civility. And tell him that if he buys you one more mug you'll cut the crotch out of all of his pants.

point him in the direction of the nearest wall and tell him to get over it

Chickens, you should have stopped at 'I'm with Hully.'

Don't ask him why he is behaving like a brat, or rather assume that if he is, perhaps birthdays and gifts feed directly into some childhood issues that he may not even be aware of.

Presumably you love him. Don't just assume he's an arse.

Or, you could just start a tradition of buying him a mug every year, which has engraved upon it:

'I love you, therefore I do not simply presume you are an arse'

Well it's not a surprise he has a birthday so perhaps asking him what he would like might be good and then as a bonus (and yes it's simple) just give him a good s**g. Works for most blokes.

do you really need to "surprise" each other with perfect presents when you are married adults? [clueless singleton emoticon]

Don't you just discuss what you'd like?

God, the pressure. Some things do make me glad I'm single!

He sounds like a brat. I don't know how you put up with the pressure of "getting the right thing" if this is how he acts. The effort of putting in an effort will drive me batty. If I were you I'd give him nothing.

Get him a nice bottle of wine for tonight?

..and maybe suggest that he starts an Amazon wishlist for things (large and small) which he might like - but point out that if he wants an element of surprise it will need to be a long list (I often go for one of the Amazon 'goes well with..' sugggestions as well to make it a little more like a surprise)

is it really just about presents or are there other issues as well?

my exP ahd a huge thing about presents too, always ungrateful -and it was jsut a symptom of many other issues - including the control thing getting me something expensive that i would not like then insisting i wore it eg a watch... ugh.

if it is just the one thing one bad day - forget it and move on - if is bigger issue then look deeper...

Oh Kew you make the single life sound so uncomplicated and attractive

Might this not be a good opportunity to talk about exactly what both your expectations are regarding gifts in an honest way (and the unwelcome jewellery should definitely be a part of this discussion)? In our household we both talk about what our budget is for gifts each year and we stick to it. We also have wishlists, and usually go for a combination of something off the list + something thoughtful. I don't see how it's fair that he buys you extravagant gifts (ones you don't even really want) and you're left to be the sensible one. I also don't see exactly how getting you a mug and some truffles gives him the higher ground? Are the mugs something you genuinely want, or something he has decided you want?

But Hully...the crotch chopping sounds fun, right?