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Original poster

dh fuming about birthday presents, what do I do?

99 replies

ErnesttheBavarian · 19/05/2011 08:12

This is going to be long, as I want to avoid an AIBU by stealth type situation, sorry.

It's dh birthday today. This morning gave him a couple small presents this morning, he leaves for work without even saying goodbye - I phone and ask what's wrong, he's pissed off about the presents. OK, they were crappy.

We have just bought something BIG and got no money, so we'd agreed just small token presents.

It was my birthday 2 days ago he got me a mug (traditional little present off him to me, if he goes away he might bring me a mug from that city) and a bag of sweets from the kids and truffles from him.

I got him a book, a book light and a key ring.
I got him a book light before and now it doesn't work properly. He had said he'd try to fix it, so is cross I got another book light.
The book is crap and he says, probably rightly, that it's something even my mum or someone who hardly knows him might get.
He doesn't use, need or want a key ring.

He feels hurt that I have put such little thought into it and that it looks like I hardly know him.

trouble is, I could think of a few (expensive things to get, eg he needs a new guitar, but it's something he should buy himself really, and anyway, we don't have the money right now.
plus Had 2 kids home poorly this week, so really limited, couldn't exactly get the train up town and browse for hours.....

I have with him a similar problem. Most other presents (Christmas and birthdays) he buys me jewellery, often miles more expensive than I feel comfortable with. I don't wear jewellery often and feel he's just got it like, "what can I get the wife?, Oh I know, another necklace/ring whatever", I don't think this shows much thought but don't want to appear ungrateful, so have dropped hints not to get me jewellery but not had a tantrum.

Trouble is he doesn't need anything, so yes, when faced with what should I get him, I have no ideas, particularly as if he sees anything he wants or needs, he'll just buy it anyway.

So how do I apologise/fix with dh about his disappointment over these presents, and should I point out he shows similar lack of thought imo with the jewellery, or do I leave that out totally and deal with it another time?

OP posts:

Original poster

ErnesttheBavarian · 19/05/2011 15:30

well dinner sorted. asparagus with hollandaise sauce and new potatoes followed by strawberry tart (in shape of love heart no less) with fresh cream. He will def. be happy with that.

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 19/05/2011 15:32

Aw, heart shaped.

and [slushy]

Hullygully · 19/05/2011 15:35

You still need to find out his deep seated psychological ishoos tho.

Original poster

ErnesttheBavarian · 19/05/2011 15:44

as a child he was given his (female) younger cousin's broken toys and expected to be grateful?

OP posts:

SoloIsAHotCougar · 19/05/2011 15:48

He needs to grow up!

HaughtyChuckle · 19/05/2011 16:18

What an ungrateful arsewipe

LeQueen · 19/05/2011 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 19/05/2011 16:27

Oh well done Hully! Ernest, I would say he definitely has ishoos relating quality of gift to level of care from the giver :(. Can't imagine what his family were thinking to give him broken toys from a younger female relative - couldn't really get any worse than that.

Pagwatch · 19/05/2011 16:30

My brother got a plastic football three birthdays on the trot.
He didn't even especially lime football
We are lucky he isn't a mass murderer or something..

Mind you my mum was crap at all our birthdays.
I had one party in my whole childhood and she invited a hideous child from across the road and the food was crap. Worst party ever. I hid in my room wanting it to be over.

Hullygully · 19/05/2011 16:44

Don't even go near my 13th. Ever.

Hullygully · 19/05/2011 16:45

So for him gifts ARE equated with love and worth.

Help him disentangle all this.

And ffs put a bit more effort in

Hullygully · 19/05/2011 16:46

This isn't to make you feel bad, but think about it.

He knows that you know how painful and important birthdays are for him.

And you still didn't really make an effort.

No wonder he was so hurt (which displayed itself as anger)

davidtennantsmistress · 19/05/2011 19:47

Earnest - srry what I meant (in a hashed way) was do you react the same way he does when he gives you gifts, or do you act like an adult accept them with manners and move things along. sorry I wasn't very clear (ie you're sensitive to his feelings with his gift buying he should be such with yours it's polite and manners).

(off to finish reading)

HaughtyChuckle · 19/05/2011 19:53

^^ what she said

davidtennantsmistress · 19/05/2011 19:59

(glad you sorted things or he came to see his unreasonableness lol)

for future, what we tend to do is a little token for birthdays and then bigger at xmas - usually as we've had all year to save in the club thing.

the idea of a wishlist is good, or perhaps as suggested a nice meal etc. then again though I think for us we're not so worried with birthdays as sometimes it's nice to go out spur of the moment sort of thing (have booked tickets to our favourite comic later in the year - this is understood to be a joint present to us both) - this way neither expects anything big (not that we would either way thou.)

the kids usually get/give something small as well. guess ultimatly it depends on the sort of person your DH is - DP for example was chuffed to bits with the photo album me & the kids did for him before he went away - that meant more to him than the books/cds/anything else i'd brought to send him away with. so tbh you know him better than us - would he prefer that sort of thing?

Hullygully · 20/05/2011 09:25

Ernest - I found myself wondering in the wee small hours of the morning whether the broken toys was a joke?

If so, apologies for missing it..

Original poster

ErnesttheBavarian · 20/05/2011 09:39

well, you beat me to it. I'm glad you realised. I honestly was just joking but dh came home early so didn't get a chance to get back on.

He was a very well cared for child from a comfortably off mc background who wanted for nothing. :)

On a more somber note, he is very stressed atm. Work is, as usual v. stressful, but his dad was at easter DX with cancer. His mum dies of cancer about 3 years ago, so not good. Then to cap it all off, yesterday his dad went into hospital for pre op tests (op to remove tumour should be in 2 weeks). Anyway while in hospital his dad basically had a heart attack and was rushed to A&E & put under & they had to zap him to stabilise his heard (what are those chest electro zappers called?) so now apparently he has serious heart problem and has been kept in. So all in all a pretty shit birthday for hi,m.

Oh, and he came home early so house a tip, dinner not made, kids were monstrous and v naughty dh lost it, cake still in fridge and all in all a pretty shit day for hi, And I didn't exactly help :(

OP posts:

Hullygully · 20/05/2011 09:41

onwards and upwards, Ernest. Onwards and upwards.

Original poster

ErnesttheBavarian · 20/05/2011 09:52

yeah, s#okay, sun is shining, house slightly tidier, weekend nearly upon us :)

OP posts:

Hullygully · 20/05/2011 09:57

And you live, presumably, near or in Bavaria? Lovely lovely place. Took the kids to all of dear King Ludwig's castles, palaces and follies a few years ago. Fab.

Original poster

ErnesttheBavarian · 20/05/2011 10:01

yes, on a clear day we can see the mountains. It is lovely here. Went to Neuschwanstein once (schwan in the middle means swan) with ds aged I think 2. In the castle there are statues and pictures of swans everywhere. Ds ran around shouting 'there's a duck!' over and over and would NOT accept they were swans. Still, the japanese tourists thought the loud shouty argumentative 2 year old blond english boy was cute

OP posts:

angel1976 · 20/05/2011 10:48

Ernest Sorry to hear you are having a s**t day. I'm a bit like you, any present on my birthday is a bonus. My DH is more like you, more particular, has expensive taste and birthdays mean a lot more to him than it does to me. What I have realised over the years is that birthdays mean different things to other people and a lot of it stem from how birthdays are treated by our families. Birthdays are no big deal for my family, we go out for a nice meal and that's it, no present, no card,no fuss (my parents live overseas and they tell me every year on my birthday they go out for dinner to 'celebrate'! ). On the other hand, birthdays are a big deal with DH's families, card (has to be on time!), cake, nice thoughtful (and usually) expensive present etc.

Over the years, I think we have come to a compromise in that DH tends to make a small fuss of my birthday (which I have to admit, I do enjoy) with cake, cards from him and the boys, a present (usually tickets to a musical or concert etc as I am notoriously difficult to buy for and don't usually ask for anything!). And in return I make an effort for him. I do usually put quite a lot of thought into his gift though. It doesn't have to be expensive but I think he needs to know I have put thought into it. My DH has a very stressful job too, long hours etc and I like to show him that I do appreciate all he does for our family on those occasions.

P.S. I know you are sort of sorted for this year but have you thought of a reminder service of sorts? Via email? Something you can put in a calendar that will email you two weeks before the event or something to remind you? Also, if you go on amazon and type in books that he likes, amazon will give you suggestions of what other people have bought with that particular book so he can't accuse you of not having put thought in the selection then! And if he likes books, how about a Kindle? I am buying DH one for father's day and I am saving like mad for it! :)

Fimbo · 20/05/2011 11:14

Amazon does emailable (is there such a word?) gift vouchers which you can send there and then - fabulous. Helped me out on a few occasions.

thumbwitch · 24/05/2011 10:42

Oh Ernest - sorry not to have realised it was a joke re. the presents! It did seem a bit extreme but when you've spent enough time on the relationships threads it doesn't sound all that unlikely.

If it's any consolation, and it won't be, I got into trouble for not texting DH on his actual birthday. He is still in Australia, we are in the UK (his choice not to come with) and we sang Happy Birthday to him Friday eve (for Saturday) - but then through a bunch of unfortunate circumstances, didn't manage to text him until 5 in the afternoon on the Saturday, which was 2am the day after his birthday for him. Cue one pissed off DH. :(

Hopefully the presents I have got for him will make up for it when we get back.

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