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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

just recovering from shock of discovering dh's affair

153 replies

mollynp · 16/05/2011 04:52

i discovered on friday my husband's affair (after suspecting for a while) after reading his text messages.
it's been going on for six months, there have been a lot of calls, texts and emails and he has kissed her 4 times, though never had sex.
he said he fell in love with her but didn't want to sleep with her as that would be taking it too far.
she is a colleague of his (which i'm not happy about) but he doesn't see her a lot at work as they work in different buildings.
he did go to her flat twice but insists that they only kissed and never slept together.
but even though they never slept together i feel totally devastated. we've been together for 18 years (married for nearly nine) and have 3 young children.
am i being over the top? is this as bad as a normal affair?
he says that it's an awful mistake, that he loves me and doesn't want to leave me and never did and i feel i couldn't live without him (i never expected this!), so don't want him to.
i am totally confused and don't understand how he could have done this to me.

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worldofuncertainty · 16/05/2011 06:13

I'm in the process of dealing with a similar situation myself and have needed a lot of support so can't offer much advice at this stage but just wanted to say that you will get a lot of great support on Mnet. You're not alone. Stay strong.

mollynp · 16/05/2011 06:39

I don't feel very strong, i feel i'm over reacting as they didn't have sex. Though my dh doesn't think i am. it's all such a mess and i can't believe it's happening. We still both love each other and want to stay together. I don't feel i could live without him, we've grown up together. what i find wierd is that whilst this was going on we were still making love regularly. I don't understand how he could love two women at the same time

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ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 16/05/2011 06:40

This is a normal affair, an emotional one at the very least assuming he's been totally honest with you.

The feeling of confusion, and shock, is understandable. You could ask him to move out for a few days so that you can decide what you want to do without him around, adding to your confusion.

Get as much real life support as you can, tell your friends and family, don't not tell them just to protect him, he doesn't deserve it.

There will be other wiser people along soon with words of advice and support. You're not alone :)

mollynp · 16/05/2011 06:47

I don't want him to move out. I find the thought of him leaving me unbearable. I also feel i want him around to talk about it all. i don't think i'm capable of looking after the kids on my own at the moment anyhow

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FamilyCircus · 16/05/2011 06:56

You're not over reacting. It must be horrendously painful for you to hear him say that he fell in love with another woman. I would be devastated Sad. I think the emotional connection is just as painful to deal with as if they had been having a sexual relationship.

I hope you get some good advice.

Finallygotaroundtoit · 16/05/2011 07:01

My guess is that they did sleep together, that's why he doesn't think you're over reacting. Sorry Sad

mollynp · 16/05/2011 07:09

I do believe him. i don't think he wanted sex, he was getting that at home. i think it was attention and flattery from another woman

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carlywurly · 16/05/2011 07:13

I was wondering the same, finally. I am so sorry.

Is he still saying that he's in love with her now? How did it get to that stage?

What is he going to do now? If you are to stand any chance he needs to end it and cut all contact with her asap. Is there an option for him to work elsewhere, or transfer jobs?

Can you go for counselling?

Don't underestimate the pain of this or guess how you should be feeling. It's a massive betrayal, whether he slept with her or not. Sad

carlywurly · 16/05/2011 07:15

Attention and flattery are one thing. Many people flirt a little at work and it's meaningless. Falling in love is on a completely different level. That would be far more upsetting for me than the sex aspect.

everyonebutme · 16/05/2011 07:20

Have a look at the Recovery After An Affair post. It has helped me feel that my feelings are normal and there is some excellent advice there. It probably needs bumping up again anyway. The way you are feeling now is definitely not over the top. Wishing you lots of support.

mollynp · 16/05/2011 07:41

He has ended it all. The ow is planning to leave in a year, but not before. he doesn't want to change jobs as he hasn't got much confidence in getting another. He has suffered with depression related to work and i don't want to make him worse again. He doesn't see her much as they work in different buildings, but i suppose he still managed to kiss and cuddle her there! We're going to have relationship counselling in a few weeks but i hadn't thought to have it on my own

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/05/2011 07:58

I relate to everything you are saying molly but it sounds as though you had certain beliefs about affairs that are being turned on their head by this experience.

I will come back shortly, but for now, can you explain more about what was happening in your husband's life before this happened? You said he has suffered depression in relation to work. Also, how old is he?

Also, tell me what behaviour you were noticing that led you to suspect an affair?

QuintessentialOldMoo · 16/05/2011 08:03

I am sorry, what an awful shock. Sad

He has been lying to you for six months, while having his affair, why are you so sure he is honest now? How can you be sure they did not have sex together?
I think many people who have affairs also do get sex at home, not least because their libido increases with the thrill of their new relationship.

I would get down to the clinic and get tested for any STDs, and insist that he does the same.

QuintessentialOldMoo · 16/05/2011 08:04

ah, wwifn is here, you are in safe hands. She gives such sound advice.

TheOriginalFAB · 16/05/2011 08:06

It is as bad as it feels to you. No one else really matters.

If you want to stay with him, stay. This is your life and it takes a lot for someone to try and forgive and move on.

You need to set out the terms of him staying though and he has to know this is his last chance (if it is) and must acknowledge how lucky he is to have a wife as amazing as you who is willing to give him another chance.

Good luck.

mollynp · 16/05/2011 08:17

A few years ago he suffered badly with depression triggered by extreme stress at work. he got through it with counselling but he insisted it wasn't because of me. Our lives are pretty stressful as we have young kids and both work. I only suspected that he was after seeing the phone bill, but he denied it until i read some texts on his phone on friday.

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QuintessentialOldMoo · 16/05/2011 08:29

My guess is that he is only confessing to the least upsetting parts, and he will quite possibly not admit to sleeping with her unless you find evidence of this too...

People are depressed, have stress in work, and have to contend with bereavement and illness, and what have you. They dont go and shag somebody else and expect to be excused because their life was a bit crap at the moment.

MimieD · 16/05/2011 08:51

So sad for you...I'm going tthough the same thing at the moment. Sorry to say my husband at first admitted to everything except sleeping with her until I found concrete proof of this in an email.

We're going to counselling this week for the first time. I want to do everything to save my marriage but only if DH wants it too. Good luck and keep posting on mumsnet when you need support, people here are great!

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/05/2011 09:06

Well, if the depression was years ago, this might not have had any bearing on the affair, but more often than you'd perhaps imagine, people use an affair as a form of self-medication for depression and stress. The reason for the affair lies not within the marriage, but as a response to the chaos and general grind of life. However, this never happens to people who have strong boundaries around fidelity or who are in the habit of putting their partner first. Affairs like this are ultimately borne out of selfishness.

Your posts are quite brief and this might be reflective of your shock, but the affair you are describing sounds more like a feelings addiction relationship. I think it highly unlikely your H is actually in love with the OW, but he might have been infatuated. What is however extremely likely is that he became addicted to the feelings this generated in him about him - and that his feelings for the OW herself, never did run very deep.

If your H had a tendency to depression (and also self-absorption), then the arrival on the scene of someone telling him how wonderful he was etc., was possibly a very intoxicating experience. As time went on, he possibly became addicted to the whole enterprise itself of having an illicit relationship, rather than the woman herself. Hence, his affair was not motivated by sex, but by feeling sexually desirable and valuable, to someone else.

WRT what he is telling you about the physical relationship, I can tell you that in the aftermath of a discovery, it is unusual to hear the whole unvarnished truth, especially from someone who wants to save his marriage. The truth may lie somewhere in between what he is telling you and what you fear the most i.e. there was a physical relationship that involved everything except penetrative sex, because there is often a rather skewed Clintonesque morality in both sexes about what constitutes infidelity. If he went to her flat twice, I would hazard that far more than kissing took place.

Even if he had a full sexual relationship with her, it actually makes no difference to why the affair happened, or your recovery generally. Either way, you are still dealing with infidelity and a massive betrayal of trust.

Lots of affairs happen regardless of the state of the primary relationship and they happen in relationships that were happy and sexual, as you have discovered. It is a mistake to think that this only happens in relationships that are unhappy or sexless, because unless both partners in that happy relationship enforce boundaries in the friendships they make, affairs like this will happen.

It will help you tremendously if you accept that this had nothing to do with you, or even your marriage - and believe what your H is telling you in this regard at least. This affair, like every other, is more about him than you or your relationship.

The challenge for him is to discover what it was about him that led him to choose these actions. Until he discovers that, you won't be able to recover from the affair or have any certainty that this won't happen again.

mollynp · 16/05/2011 11:21

Maybe he hasn't fully recovered from the depression. i don't know. He takes st. John's wort still to manage it but he doesn't have councelling anymore, which he had for a while. He stopped the sessions himself when he felt ready. I showed him what you have written (whenwillifeelnormal) and he said it made a lot of sense. i have to believe that he didn't sleep with her and i would rather that he hadn't. He said that he didn't actually have the time on his visits to her flat to sleep with her even if he wanted as they were so short. Maybe he would have had if there was more opportunity. I'm glad he didn't as don't think i could handle the mental images. Thanks for your reply, it is helping me to have a better understanding me why it happened.

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/05/2011 12:02

It's more important actually that he understands why this happened, because only he can control his own fidelity. Neither do I want your H to find a convenient excuse in what I have written, because in truth there are no excuses for infidelity. It is an active choice that individuals make, like any other in life.

The challenge is to discover why he made those choices. Infidelity never happens in a vacuum and there are always clues in a person's behaviour and beliefs about infidelity itself. Hence, someone who is at heart quite selfish and thinks that he deserves an adventure for working hard/doing the "right thing" all his life, will enter into what is perceived as a fairly low-risk affair that he doesn't anticipate will destroy his marriage or all the things he has worked hard for - and who is arrogant enough to think that he can compartmentalise the two relationships, without anyone suffering the effects of this behaviour.

Couples recovering from affairs often make the mistake of focusing on the relationship and why it became vulnerable to an affair, when the real vulnerability was actually in the person practising the infidelity. Your H must examine what lifelong behaviours led to this choice, because that is actually the key.

One of the most illuminating questions in affair recovery, in determining your H's individual vulnerability to it, is for him to recall his permission-giving process for this happening. How did he justify this to himself? How did he decide what was permissible and why? Whatever he answers will tell you a great deal about his character and the work he needs to do on himself.

mollynp · 16/05/2011 14:45

Thanks WWIFN, your replies have helped enormously today. I've been trying to work out what was wrong the last few days, trying to work out what i need to change about myself in looks or how i treat him, thinking that it was my fault in part. We've both stayed off work today, talking about what you have said, and think it might be better for him to go back and see his psychologist again. We were going to have relationship counselling in a few weeks time, but maybe it won't be as useful.

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/05/2011 15:08

I'm so glad it's helped. I also understand completely why you have felt this way, because unfortunately the societal discourse about affairs is that they only happen when something is lacking in the marriage or the faithful partner, rather than the more logical deduction for the situation you have described.

You will I think, find it hugely helpful to read a book called Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. This explains the concept of individual vulnerability to infidelity and how and why affairs occur in good marriages. The book takes a much more holistic approach to infidelity and looks at four specific vulnerabilities; individual, relational, lifestyle and social.

What I've learnt is that if we analysed all the good marriages in the world, we would find ways in which those marriages could be better in some way or another. Hence, after an affair like your H's, there will possibly be a few fairly minor changes you can make to the way you interact and how you prioritise your marriage. But if you leave it at that, without taking a more holistic approach - analysing your individual beliefs, how you have both been socialised and the way your lifestyle may have provided hidden traps, I don't think you will have dealt with the root cause and will in fact have only dealt with issues that probably weren't the primary drivers for the affair.

Couples therapy might be helpful, but IMO only if it acknowledges that affairs can and do happen for lots of reasons and as long as it doesn't concentrate on your relationship, to the exclusion of other factors. The relationship stuff is often the easiest bit to "fix" you see, whereas the other factors take time and commitment to unravel and make lasting changes.

mollynp · 16/05/2011 16:49

thanks, i've ordered the book. Still feel pretty awful, ranging from ok to crying to angry, feel like i'm going mad, i've hardly slept or eaten, but don't feel tired when i try to sleep.
I got some sleeping tablets from the Dr today and he signed me off for a week. I find it difficult to have conversations with people and am scared when i go out (i've only been to the newsagent and Dr in the last three days) that i'll meet anyone and have to talk to them when i'm in a completely different reality.
Is this normal? How long does it take to feel normal again after finding something like this out?

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/05/2011 20:24

Yes, both the physiological complaints you're reporting and the associated emotions are entirely normal. The wonderful thing about the book I've recommended is that Shirley Glass used a trauma-recovery model for helping therapeutic clients who were recovering from infidelity. This was because she noticed that people who were suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder were reporting the same symptoms as her clients; inability to sleep, feeling cold or hot all the time, traumatic flashbacks to the moment of discovery/the confrontation and relating to incidents during the affair and its build-up. People also report feeling utter incomprehension that the world is still running normally and that people are going about their everyday business, yet life for you has altered irrevocably.

You are in shock and don't under-estimate its impact.

It's really good that you have been to the GP and have been signed off work. I also think it's a really helpful thing that you've both spent time today off work having an uninterrupted (by children at least) conversation. While I respect others' need to have space, I empathise with your reaction not to "flight" from the situation and I'm and glad that your H didn't take that option either. Your instincts seem to be to face this crisis head-on and I think that will help you in the long run.

In the coming weeks, you might also feel that if you see people and converse with them, they will somehow "know" telepathically what has happened. Even if there is no rational or logical reason for that fear, it might be there.

Some of the reasons for all this are that your safety and security have been threatened in a big way and all of a sudden, a world that previously seemed safe and benign, has become frightening. Nothing is as it seemed. What you might be feeling is uncomfortable adrenaline, hence a loss of appetite and as though your senses are on high alert all the time. It is normal after a shock to feel like this and is your body's way of helping you to be alert and ready to deal with the crisis at hand.

As you and your H progress with your talks, assuming the OW is out of the picture and your H has severed the relationship completely, you will find feelings of safety returning, but even in the best of cases, this might be a couple of months down the line. You're probably having what appear to be more emotionally honest conversations than you've had in a long time and that can produce a closeness between you. You might then enter a roller-coaster phase whereby your connection is very strong, you cling together for comfort, have lots of sex and increased intimacy generally, followed by a few days of crashing doubts, renewed anger and sadness like you've never before experienced. This 4-5 good days, followed by 2-3 horrendous ones can go on for a long time, so that you learn to anticipate the crash. At times they will be in inverse proportions too.

At the moment, I completely understand why you want to feel normal again and why you wonder when that will be. What I've learnt however is that you never feel quite the same again, but that can be a really good thing in the best of post-affair scenarios. You might learn so much about yourselves as individuals and change long-held beliefs about a whole range of subjects. You might learn to like the new "normal" better than the one you had before, although I have yet to meet someone who genuinely didn't regret this happening to them.

While you are waiting for the book, have a look at this which goes straight to the book's introduction. Then flick around the site to read more.