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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

just recovering from shock of discovering dh's affair

153 replies

mollynp · 16/05/2011 04:52

i discovered on friday my husband's affair (after suspecting for a while) after reading his text messages.
it's been going on for six months, there have been a lot of calls, texts and emails and he has kissed her 4 times, though never had sex.
he said he fell in love with her but didn't want to sleep with her as that would be taking it too far.
she is a colleague of his (which i'm not happy about) but he doesn't see her a lot at work as they work in different buildings.
he did go to her flat twice but insists that they only kissed and never slept together.
but even though they never slept together i feel totally devastated. we've been together for 18 years (married for nearly nine) and have 3 young children.
am i being over the top? is this as bad as a normal affair?
he says that it's an awful mistake, that he loves me and doesn't want to leave me and never did and i feel i couldn't live without him (i never expected this!), so don't want him to.
i am totally confused and don't understand how he could have done this to me.

OP posts:
cloudybay24 · 18/05/2011 09:14

IMO oral sex is MUCH more intimate than penetrative sex. I think he's selling you a pup, sorry.
I know how you are feeling, having gone through something similar. I think that this is still VERY early days and until your DH tells you the absolute truth about what happened (which I don't think he is - he's drip feeding you snippets of information), you can't even start to address why he did it and how you move forward, if indeed you can.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/05/2011 09:21

See if you can find the words to that horrible song that he conveniently deleted AFTER discovery molly. There are more reasons than he is telling you, for why he doesn't want you to hear it.

mollynp · 18/05/2011 09:26

the ow knows if any more was to carry on and i found out i would tell everyone and her career would be in jeopardy. at the moment her career is her life. of course he's a lying bastard, but at what point do i start believing what he says. they didn't exactly have a lot of time for extra-marital trysts, as we are both so busy with three kids, school pick ups, taking to childminder, etc. and he hardly ever goes out in the evening.
i will be speaking to his parents soon as they are taking my little one for a few hours so i can get some rest. he never talks to his parents about anything, when he tried tell them the other day, his mum changed the subject to having a funny smell in their bathroom!!!? i really need them to look after our kids as much as possible so i can have time alone to talk with H, so i will make sure they are clear what is going on!

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mollynp · 18/05/2011 09:50

i just told his parents, they didn't realise exactly what had happened (or so they say). but maybe they'll help so we can have some kid free time together to try and get over this awful mess.

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/05/2011 09:53

I'm posting more things that occur to me from what you've written this morning.

Lets focus on you and your horrible physiological symptoms first. The adrenaline tends to dissipate quite gradually IME and you might find you're still having these symptoms in some form or another for another 8 weeks or so. Within that period though, it is likely that you will crash regularly and need some long sleeps. Try to eat easily digestible food, such as soggy cereal or even meal replacement drinks. Try if you can to drink lots of water too, in case you get dehydrated through lack of food. It's also a good thing to try to get some exercise (I went running, but a brisk walk is just as good). If you don't feel the sleeping tablets are helping, you might find it better to do without them. It seemed important to me at the time not to anaesthetise myself, but with hindsight I wish I'd used variations of a rescue/herbal remedy.

Re. counselling, it might be too early just yet and its value will be diminished while he is still holding secrets and telling lies. Read my earlier post too, about how some counsellors have beliefs that there must have been something wrong with the relationship for this to happen, plus the relationship is the easy thing to focus on while the therapist is building up trust with the couple. Both approaches can be unhelpful if a couple is insistent that beyond the normal stresses and strains, the problem didn't lie in the relationship. Like any profession, counsellors vary in skill and expertise. I wouldn't consider one who didn't have much experience of infidelity, or who didn't take a holistic approach to analysing why an affair has happened. I'd be inclined to keep the appointment for now, but don't be afraid to pre-screen a bit and ask questions about the therapist's approach.

In your shoes, a question I might ask of the therapist during the initial session is in his/her experience, why do affairs happen? If I heard a definite "there are always problems in the relationship" answer, I'd vote with my feet. If I heard something more insightful about vulnerabilities being multi-faceted and higher in some areas than in others, dependent on the unfaithful person, then I'd have confidence I was in safe hands.

WRT to your last post, IME you know when you've got the truth, because at last things make sense. His current story makes no sense at all - and don't forget that it's highly possible they both took afternoons etc. off work. I've found that betrayed partners often overlook the lies that spouses tell about being at work at all. Many unfaithful people take secret time off work, to avoid suspicion. Sometimes they deceive their employers too and invent doctor and dentist appointments.

You are right to rely on your ILs. Instantly however I can see that there are massive clues in the way your H has been socially conditioned by his parents. I expect talking about uncomfortable issues wasn't "allowed" in his family and there might have been a tendency to gloss over conflict, or suppress emotions and feelings. This often leads to adults becoming "minimisers" about threatening situations - and allows them to pretend that everything will be alright in the end. If you reflect on how you both deal with crisis situations generally as a couple, is it possible that you have a better grip on reality and your H is someone who tells you that you are worrying unnecessarily, but it often turns out that you were right to be concerned and that if you'd taken his advice, a situation might have worsened?

countingto10 · 18/05/2011 09:55

Both sets of parents need to know Mollynp. PILs and my mum and dad almost went into crisis mode too. Running around after us, looking after the very distressed DC (DH moved out of home very suddenly without much warning to go to OWs), looking after the DC whilst we went to counselling. They need to know your marriage is on the line and your DH needs to feel everyones disapproval so he cannot dress this affair up as anything other than the grubby, sordid thing it is/was.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with what happened (2 years down now). I have had to forgive an awful lot (not sure I have totally) but DH has changed so much and so have I. It is a painful journey.

The one thing I have come to realise lately is that however I dress the affair up, whatever the reasons behind it, OW's part in it, DH's childhood issues, stress of business/family life etc, it doesn't take away the fact that it happened and it was horrendous. As my dh says, nothing he can say or do can take away the fact that it happened and it was truly appalling, selfish behaviour on his part and it was vile Sad.

countingto10 · 18/05/2011 09:57

I lived on microwave popcorn (sugared one). I could just eat a little bit at a time and sweet tea seemed to be a staple too Smile.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/05/2011 10:01

It depends on the parents though doesn't it Counting? Had I told mine at the time, my Mum would have made the crisis all about her and my SD would have blamed the OW first, then me for being too career and friend-focused Hmm and lastly my H, who after all was only a man who "was offered it on a plate" Angry. That wouldn't have been helpful to me at all in the early days. When I did tell them further down the line, I was better able to cope with the responses I'd accurately predicted.

toomanyeasterbunnies · 18/05/2011 10:08

mollynp I don't really have anything helpful to add but just wanted you to know that I really feel for you. It's 7 weeks since I found out and I am still having those awful symptoms you describe. Please listen to all the advise you get especially WWIFN. It's so hard and I would never want anyone to go through this as it really is the worst time in my life. Please try to take care of yourself.

countingto10 · 18/05/2011 10:11

I supposed because mine had already left a wife and 4 young DCs, apparently without any reason/warning (although he told his parents I was so cold towards him Hmm) that when everyone found out there was actually an OW on the scene, six weeks down the line, that he had lied to everyone, that the anger kicked in for everyone.

His parents were just pleased I didn't go for divorce straightaway and gave him a chance and my parents just wanted the family to be OK (the DC were traumised at his leaving).

Each case is different but how we all feel upon discovery is the same, although I feel the terror you feel when you have with very young DC is worse and also the more DC you have. I was a single mum of one for six years and life was just fine, the thought of being a single mum of 4 with no career like before (not worked in 10 years) was absolutely terrifying as well as coping with the betrayal as well. All these things are very hard to deal with as loving the man who so wholly betrayed you Sad

mollynp · 18/05/2011 10:17

i know it seems pathetic, but i'm enjoying taking the sleeping tablets, i'm enjoying them making me feel like shit in the morning, i'm enjoying feeling fragile and fucked in the head and not eating because that's something else to think about other than the affair. is this normal? i suppose i really want to hurt H back for hurting me so badly. Maybe he'll remember how much his behaviour fucked me up if he ever considers doing anything like this ever again!

the counselling session is going to cost £170 so want to try and work out beforehand if it's worth it or not!

he still insists that the last admission is it and there isn't anything else, he has swore on the kid's lives that nothing else happened, so at what point do i start believing him? i know everyone else thinks he shagged her, but that's not necessarily the case, they did stop and start a few times (him encouraging her to try internet dating was at a stop time). but the last admission only happened last month, so if i hadn't found out it's possible that it would have gone further. I'm also not convinced that the affair wouldn't have just started again after her trip away as i don't see that as a valid enough reason for stopping.

i don't feel that i can tell my parents as i fought so hard for him when we first went out together, i don't want them to say that they were right all along! they didn't like him as they thought he was wasting his life not having a proper career, just bumming around doing any old crap dead end job, they didn't know that he would be a philandering bastard! he's more respected by them now (i presume!) so i'm not sure it would help them knowing. also they always have to give their opinions and advice all the time, which i'm not complaining about, but i don't want their advice on this!

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toomanyeasterbunnies · 18/05/2011 10:24

I would agree with WWIFN that it does depend on the parents whether you tell them. I needed to tell my dad and perhaps wouldn't have chosen to tell my mum as she just went hysterical so I had to deal with her hysterics as well as my own feelings. However, it has helped in terms of practical help and it also made my H realise that he's actions had effected everyone and not just us. My FIL has not mentioned it so not sure of his feelings on it (he is as emotional as a brick) But certainly my parents and his mum have shed many tears and sometimes that is hard for me as I feel like I have to be strong for them too.

mollynp · 18/05/2011 10:27

i'm currently living on sugary tea! yes your right countingto10. being a single mum to three kids is not what i expected in life. so i would much rather we get through this than the alternative. but i also do love him despite him behaving like a complete shit!

OP posts:
toomanyeasterbunnies · 18/05/2011 10:28

i suppose i really want to hurt H back for hurting me so badly. Those words are so true I feel exactly the same.

toomanyeasterbunnies · 18/05/2011 10:28

Sorry my italics went wrong!

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/05/2011 10:28

I think you're absolutely right counting. Although it's hard to imagine feeling worse than I did, had I been totally financially or emotionally dependent on my H or had this happened when the DCs were very young and I wasn't able to work as much, then I've no doubt it would have been even more terrifying. It's partly why we have both encouraged our DCs to maintain their earning power and independence generally, if and when they form relationships. It's also why your advice is so good about learning to put yourself first and resuming hobbies, interests, friendships and careers that might have been sacrificed for "the relationship".

ALittleBitFragile · 18/05/2011 10:35

I do not think you have had the full truth yet. Imagine a friend telling you this story. What would your reaction be?

You can't recover from this until you are as confident as you can be about the truth. I know because I spent 3 months 'recovering' from what I was told was a one off kiss with a random girl in a bar when in fact it was a full blown sexual affair with a colleague. It was worse than going back to square one.

Think hard about whether his story makes sense and try to put aside your natural desire to believe and trust him.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/05/2011 10:43

I dislike the practice of swearing on people's lives - and IME when I've heard people commit that oath, it has transpired that they were lying Sad. It's also not something I would have tolerated in my H.

If you cannot prove or disprove what your H says, all you can conclude is what you instinctively believe, which is often different to what you want to believe.

You might want to ask yourself how likely is it that your H would have been selfless in a highly-charged, sexual situation; giving and not receiving. Or how likely it is that an OW who was eager to demonstrate her sexual prowess, would have taken, without giving?

I often say that the lies people tell paint them in a worse light than the truth ever could. Your H might not have bargained with what his story demonstrates; that he cared for the OW's pleasure more than he did his own, perhaps offering her a selfless sexual experience that he would never, or rarely, offered to you? How does he imagine that might make you feel? I'd pay good money to see the horror on his face when he realises that this lie has actually dropped him further in it.....

It might be that you conclude that this affair was interrupted after all and that it is highly likely that had it not been discovered, full sex would have taken place. If your H says that would never have happened, he needs to think again. This would be the sort of lie an adulterer tells himself, that I alluded to, upthread. Had you intercepted this at the texting stage, I'm sure your H would have said that he would never have kissed her. If you'd find out after the first kiss, he would have said that he would never have been sexual with her, or visited her flat. Such are the delusions and lies people tell themselves, and others.

mollynp · 18/05/2011 10:47

i actually asked him to swear on his kid's lives, but i'll excuse myself for being emotionally unstable at the moment!

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mollynp · 18/05/2011 11:01

i forgot to add that i might have believed everything if i hadn't start this thread and heard wise words from people who have experienced it!

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/05/2011 11:41

molly I generally advise people in your situation to be slow coming to any decisions, especially when in shock. But that means explaining to your H that you don't know yet whether you are prepared to continue in this marriage. You cannot offer any certainty about that you see, because at the moment, you don't know yet how hard this will become - all we can say to you is that for those who've been through it, most would say this was the hardest thing they have ever attempted or endured and that there were times when we were certain that the marriage really was over. And that's even in the best of post-affair circumstances, when the truth was out there, the betraying spouse hadn't put a foot wrong post-discovery, the marriage was better than ever and the vulnerabilities had been eliminated.

But as counting said, there is no dressing this up, or way of minimising what happened and how horrendous it was. Even if you have absolute certainty that it could never happen again, it doesn't take away from the fact that it happened once - and there is no escaping it.

Hence, I wonder whether you can tell your H that at the moment, you just don't know whether your marriage will survive. That once you feel better physically, you will take very sensible steps to protect yourself and the DCs if it turns out that it doesn't. That any lies told now will reduce the chances of survival dramatically. That any rash statements you may have made in recent days about getting past this and learning to forgive must now be retracted, because you were not of sound mind to make those promises.

Your H needs to feel uncertainty and fear. His lies really weren't about saving you from pain, but about saving him from the consequences. That was a lie upon several lies. He needs to realise the true consequences of his actions - and one of those is a life of uncertainty from now on. There are no guarantees any more in this relationship - and that is the price he will have to pay.

TheOriginalFAB · 18/05/2011 11:50

What will you do when you find out he has done more, now that he has sworn on his kids lifes?

twoshineyshoesahhaeyetoeye · 18/05/2011 11:53

Have been reading this thread and have to say molly you have been given some brilliant advice from everyone and I feel in particular WWIFN and AF speak wise and sensible words, I hope you are taking it on board. Be strong Listen to the advice and work on it, for your future well being.

mollynp · 18/05/2011 11:58

thanks, i feel much more clear headed today, i've stopped the crying all day phase and am now really fucking angry!

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twoshineyshoesahhaeyetoeye · 18/05/2011 12:05

Glad your getting angry...cos you need to get to that stage. I cant help feel he thinks its ok cos he "only" gave her oral sex and she did not touch him...Bullshit!. Oral sex is the most intimate and loving act, I would only perform it on that person that I truly was madly in love with and held in high esteem. If things did not go any further it was only to ease his mind that he did not really do anything wrong. BUT he did do very wrong....He stepped way over the line. I would probably forgave full sex quicker (If forgiveness was happening at all)..as is less intimate.