just recovering from shock of discovering dh's affair

[mollynp]

i discovered on friday my husband's affair (after suspecting for a while) after reading his text messages.
it's been going on for six months, there have been a lot of calls, texts and emails and he has kissed her 4 times, though never had sex.
he said he fell in love with her but didn't want to sleep with her as that would be taking it too far.
she is a colleague of his (which i'm not happy about) but he doesn't see her a lot at work as they work in different buildings.
he did go to her flat twice but insists that they only kissed and never slept together.
but even though they never slept together i feel totally devastated. we've been together for 18 years (married for nearly nine) and have 3 young children.
am i being over the top? is this as bad as a normal affair?
he says that it's an awful mistake, that he loves me and doesn't want to leave me and never did and i feel i couldn't live without him (i never expected this!), so don't want him to.
i am totally confused and don't understand how he could have done this to me.

No, this is the first time i have felt suicidal. I don't think it is a reaction to the affair, but the fear of him leaving. One day he is sure that he wants to be with me and we're planning our wedding anniversary, the next day he's not sure and is confused about what he wants. i don't know how i'm supposed to start feeling better when i an in a constant state of limbo. we're going to see the relationship counsellor on friday which terrifies me.

He is being cruel. This has turned into a game a cat might play with a mouse.

How much of your relationship up to now has been all about him? You are not even able to focus on your own feelings but are instead in the position of paying attention to his.

Can you identify when he started to turn this around?

Look back -- when someone implies that your reaction has bamboozled him, you are being gaslighted.

I wish you could find the strength to turn this around and tell him YOU'RE not sure whether you want to make this work. Even though the idea of being without him scares you right now, he's still calling the shots and that's not healthy.

If you could make it so you're the one calling the shots, make him think that there's a chance he might lose you, I think he would quickly stop all this farting around.

I think it's been said before, he should be fighting like mad for you now, not stringing you along with his indecisiveness. Whatever "issues" there were in your marriage before, NONE of them justify him having an affair.