just recovering from shock of discovering dh's affair

[mollynp]

i discovered on friday my husband's affair (after suspecting for a while) after reading his text messages.
it's been going on for six months, there have been a lot of calls, texts and emails and he has kissed her 4 times, though never had sex.
he said he fell in love with her but didn't want to sleep with her as that would be taking it too far.
she is a colleague of his (which i'm not happy about) but he doesn't see her a lot at work as they work in different buildings.
he did go to her flat twice but insists that they only kissed and never slept together.
but even though they never slept together i feel totally devastated. we've been together for 18 years (married for nearly nine) and have 3 young children.
am i being over the top? is this as bad as a normal affair?
he says that it's an awful mistake, that he loves me and doesn't want to leave me and never did and i feel i couldn't live without him (i never expected this!), so don't want him to.
i am totally confused and don't understand how he could have done this to me.

Should add...in my opinion any way.

I'm just over a year from discovering my dh's EA - the fact that they only ever had sex once after I'd discovered his and not before is irrelevant. It's no less an affair just because they didn't have sex. In fact I tend to believe that an affair that is simply about sex may be easier to come to terms with than an affair in which emotions and feelings are so important.

I'm now reading the Shirley Glass book that WWIFN has recommended on lots of occasions and I'm finding it very helpful. It's validated my feelings and I now know that how I was feeling at the time - and since discovery - is pretty normal.

I now also recognise that my dh behaved in a pretty stereotypical way in the manner in which he tried to handle his EA.

It's been a really, really hard 14 months. We did separate because I didn't want him round. I never stopped loving him but I didn't like him for a long time. Even now there are occasions when I don't like him.

But I do now finally feel that I'm turning a corner and I'm starting to relax a little more and even to believe in him. I don't, as yet, fully trust him and I do still question him quite closely. I need to know his movements when he's not at home - it used to irritate him but now he understands why I need to know and he's doing everything he can to reassure me.

Our relationship is much better now than before. We're closer, we talk more and he's become a far more involved father than he was before.

Maybe finally he's starting to grow up.

Don't rush into making any decisions. Take your time, allow yourself to grieve and don't be afraid to be angry with him. You have the right to be.

Whenwill
" often say that the lies people tell paint them in a worse light than the truth ever could. Your H might not have bargained with what his story demonstrates; that he cared for the OW's pleasure more than he did his own, perhaps offering her a selfless sexual experience that he would never, or rarely, offered to you?"

When I read that particular lie I thought to myself - "it's one of WWIFN's lies that make you look worse than you intend" :)

The logic of his thinking on this one is baffling to me

"It's alright love, I gave her oral sex, but I didn't let her touch my precious dick!"

I agree totally with twoshiney and I'm relieved to read her comments. I've been following this thread wondering why on earth anyone would think oral sex was not as bad as penetrative sex. When I found out my dh had had sex with the ow I was devastated. When I insisted on details and he told me that he hadn't been able to 'perform' (as he realised he didn't actually want to be there) so he performed oral sex (presumably because he didn't want to disappoint the ow), that was the point where I took my wedding ring off and threw it at him.

Molly so sorry to read this and hear you are having such a hard time of it.

Strangly enough I could have written your OP pretty much word for word. But just to let you know I'm now 10 months down the line from finding out and I'm just starting to feel that I can finally trust him. As WWIFN say's it's unlikely our relationship will ever be the same and I doubt I will ever feel that complete and utter contentment. But our relationship is probably better than it's been in years, and I now feel in control - but it's taken lots of hard work, blood, sweat and tears so hang in there.

Still here molly, and glad to see the dawning realisation that had you not posted here, you would still be under the impression that this was just a few text messages

anger is good, and anger is appropriate

just one more little thing I wanted to pick up on

I can only try to understand why you don't want him the fuck away from you (wwifn explains the principle well, but personally I just don't get it)

but when you said you need him near to "help you and comfort you" I hear alarm bells

in what other situation would it be recommended or appropriate to take comfort from the very person who has hurt us ?

you need more support from others in your family/friendship circle

relying for your comfort and well-being on the man that has lied, deceived, cheated and taken you for a fool is, IMO, a mistake

Catwalker sorry you've been through similiar as Molly...but I applaud you on throwing your ring at him. Well done...he deserved no better.

I feel there is more to this and he is lying to protect himself and your being drip fed information Molly..... he felt you would probably accept his confession of Oral sex, and thus relieve him of his guilt to possibly other things that have happened (but you would never know)...how stupid he is admitting the worst thing in my eyes thinking it would be acceptable in your eyes....what a prick he is!

Sorry to all thinking and advising Molly to take time before she makes any decision on what to do, (as though time will heal...time just leads you to accept what has happened and forget the raw raw pain of the early days) I totally disagree...he made the decision easy for her when he thought she would accept his admission of an affair cos it was "only oral"....hes a twat and you deserve better than always wondering has he strayed again, and not trusting him. Sorry to be so blunt but I just know I could never live with someone that thought so little of me that he went and had oral sex with another woman, AND thought it was ok cause his manhood had not succumbed to relief!!!!......wanker twat he is.

i told him the score, he's a bit upset that i said i can live without him if i have to, but he wouldn't have married me in the first place if i was a doormat! he'll get over it and if he wants to stay in this marriage he'll have to put a bit more effort in!
i do believe that they didn't have sexual intercourse but he's taking me to the local DOSH to be screened for Gonorrhoea and Chlamydia which i have just found out can be carried in the mouth and passed on through oral sex! i didn't realise that was the case and neither did he. so i'm sure he'll be feeling even more ashamed now!

Good for you Molly. Your spirit is kicking back a bit.

spidookly I have read and re-read your last post, but I just can't understand it. Can you explain?

what i mean is that he says that he didn't have penetrative sex, but you can still get a sexually transmitted disease through oral sex (more commonly chlamydia, gonorrhoea, genital herpes and syphilis. i rang the local Department of Sexual Health clinic and they said that we both need mouth swabs and i will need a vaginal swab done. well you learn something new every day. i didn't think i needed to worry (before now) about STDs as i've only ever slept with him! hopefully she isn't carrying anything nasty!

spidookly read that particularly lovely quote from him and knew you would pick up on it as the lie making him look worse than if he had just told the truth

she is agreeing with you, wwifn, beause you say it a lot, and it is absolutely true

it takes someone pointing it out though, before you realise the implications of this kind of lie (and the liars fool themselves so convincingly, they often never actually "get it"

a typical "lie" that cheating blokes tell themselves is that anything other than penetrative sex is not "sex" and should be accorded more forgiveness

Bill Clinton : "I did not have sex with that woman"

err, yes, you did

and you, like this cheater, do not have a golden dick

I have to say that many women collude with this nonsense too, more's the pity

Doh! Thanks AF, I see that now and

I thought spid was saying it was "one of my lies"

And yes Molly, unless he used a dam, he could have contracted an infection that way. It's a good move anyway, for you both to be checked out.

it is , in a way

one of the lies/things you very wisely pick up on, that most OPs (and other posters too) haven't even noticed

btw, when I said upthread "are you only listening/responding to wwifn?", at that moment in time, I really think she was

Op has moved on a lot since then, though, so doh! to me too

god only knows what goes on in his head! i'm still no more hurt by whichever type of sex they did or didn't have and i'm no more hurt by the fact that he gave her oral sex rather than just snogging her (though i am concerned that i might have caught an STD from it!). what i'm hurt by is that since the end of November he has been having an affair with another woman and then when i found out he lied some more about it.
The last few days i have needed him to comfort me as i was such a mess, though i would have been happier if he had told me everything on the first night.
Today i feel stronger so don't need that so much, but remember i do work and have 3 young kids, so life would be a hard struggle without him, and i also love him, so do want us to get through this despite his shitty behaviour. We have grown up together and it is hard to imagine living without him, however pathetic that sounds!

It's not pathetic at all. I wanted my family back together for everyones sake but they do have to recognise their behaviours and change, he probably won't be able to do that without some solo counselling to get to the root of his behaviours and sense of entitlement etc. I found i suddenly started to look at my DH with different eyes, realised that I had made excuses for some of his behaviours in the past when maybe (or most definately) I shuold have challenged him about them, but had stressful home/business and let things go ......

Take this crisis to assess your marriage honestly, your H's previous behaviours honestly and what YOU want from life and marriage.

today is the first day i have had completely on my own and i think it has helped, every other day i have had kids and/or H around. hopefully he'll mend his ways! he is going to have counselling again.

molly - what a shit time you're having. You've had some great advice from lots of posters, but I just felt the need to add that when you go to the Sexual Health Clinic, I think that you should insist that he has a full screen, no matter what he insists did or didn't happen between them. Why the hell should you go through the indignity of a full screen when he just gets an oral swab. Plus, if anything further does come out later, you may be relieved that he had a full screen.

good luck

he did have a full screen, though there is very low risk. thanks

did you both visit the clinic today, molly ?

m

Did your bouts of thrush coincide with him going to her flat?

So sorry for you, molly.

Did your bouts of thrush coincide with him going to her flat?

Ohh dear.

Thinking of you Molly. I'll fully admit I'm surprised by your actions - sleeping with him the day you found out and snogging with him being no less of a problem than the oral sex? But this thread has opened my eyes to how we all react differently to things, doesn't mean it's wrong, you're trying to hold things together.

I just hope this isn't going to come back and hurt you more, but I agree with others who say they wouldn't believe him when he said he didn't sleep with her. Hope tests were clear anyway.