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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Some urgent advice please....

42 replies

SlateFloor · 12/05/2011 06:53

My brother lives about 2 hours away. We are not close and never have been. In fact, due to a variety of factors, haven't really lived in the same house for about 30 years. We generally see each other a couple of times a year at family events, but never phone each other etc and at times, have gone everal years without speaking. I'm not completely comfortable with him as I just really don't know him, plus the fact that he can be an opinnated arse at times.

He has been offered a job in a town near where I live and has asked whether he could come and stay a couple of nights a week rather than commute back to his home and family.

Dh and I have talked about this at length and are struggling with it. On one hand, I think I would like to say yes, and use it as an opportunity to build a relationship with my brother. However, I completey understand dh's concerns about the effect on our family and our loss of privacy.

This would be an on-going arrangment, rather than a time limited one and that's partly what's worrying dh.

I need to let my brother know tonight.

Help me please - what would you do?

OP posts:
EarthMotherImNot · 12/05/2011 06:57

I'm not really close to my brother but I would be happy to have him stay a few nights now and again.

I wouldn't want it to be an on-going thing though. If your both not completely at ease with it I wouldn't do it.

Original poster
SlateFloor · 12/05/2011 06:59

Thank you EMIN? That's how DH feels, and how I feel too if I'm honest. The trouble is I'm worried about causing some kind of family rift if I say no.

OP posts:
BornAgainBitch · 12/05/2011 06:59

My gut feeling is screaming "No".

TanteRose · 12/05/2011 06:59

you mean, a few nights a week, from now until...whenever? until he retires from his job??

er, no....

most people would move house to be near their job, surely?

Original poster
SlateFloor · 12/05/2011 06:59

Not sure where that question mark came from!

OP posts:
Original poster
SlateFloor · 12/05/2011 07:03

He currently commutes about an hour and a half a day so it would be a bit further. There is absolutely no question of him moving due to family ties elsewhere.

I'm feeling really anxious about talking to him now Sad.

TanteRose you're right. It's the ongoing nature of it that we're uncomfortable with. I think we would both be absolutely fine with it being an occasional night, ie. when he has a late meeting etc.

OP posts:
TanteRose · 12/05/2011 07:06

well, then, he can rent somewhere near his work to use during the week...

you know that if you say yes, he will be staying every night from Monday to Thursday every week...probably...

Original poster
SlateFloor · 12/05/2011 07:12

One of the main reason's he's moving jobs is so he can earn a higher salary. renting somewhere up here would wipe that out.

However, my main responsibility is to dh and dd, not my brother and his family.

Thank you ladies, I was sure that I was being unreasonable and that people with a "normal" relationship would have said yes straight away.

I think I will talk to my mum and possibly my sister before I speak to my brother in case there is any fall out.

OP posts:
Original poster
SlateFloor · 12/05/2011 07:13

Bugger. Extra apostrophe this time!

OP posts:
TanteRose · 12/05/2011 07:13

Good luck, Slate - hope it works out..Smile

Inertia · 12/05/2011 07:16

I would say no, mainly as it's ongoing.

I get along with my brothers and would be fine with occasional stays;or if it were just for a couple of weeks, or to help them if they were suddenly homeless.

Your situation is fraught with so many potential problems. What happens if he starts staying out late a lot ? What if he starts telling your kids to keep the noise down as he has to go to work ? What would be the logistics of meals, washing, bathroom use, parking etc ?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/05/2011 07:25

Hi,

Would your brother have contacted you even if he had not been offered a job in a town close to where you live?. Probably not.

Rebuilding relationships has to be a two way process however. He has not seemingly shown you any real intention of wanting to rebuild bridges although you seem more amenable to such a process. There is a longstanding rift anyway.

I would not entertain the arrangement your brother is proposing under any circumstances. Its primarily for his convenience. It can all too easily go wrong and quickly too, what is expected of each other here with regards to such an arrangement?. Another complication here is that you have no relationship to speak of and I think you could easily end up feeling used. The effects on family life are not to be underestimated particularly if "ground rules" are not established beforehand.

If he was to consistently stay overnight for a couple of days a week each week this could also have implications with regards to your council tax.

vickylou2004 · 12/05/2011 07:27

Considering that you don't speak for years I think this is very cheeky of him to ask, I wouldn't dare to ask such a thing!

DoubleDegreeStudent · 12/05/2011 07:31

If it's going to cause problems with you saying no, could you agree to do a one week trial period and then just say you found it too disruptive/house too crowded/changed your mind? There's no way you should have to do it if you aren't comfortable with having him to stay, but if you suspect fall out might a trial period (on a very limited time) be easiest?

Original poster
SlateFloor · 12/05/2011 07:41

Thank you so much to all of you for your replies. I'm going to give it some thought today. You've given me lots of angles I hadn't thought about.

I'll come back later and update you all.

Smile
OP posts:
strawberry17 · 12/05/2011 07:47

Just another thought, I would say no as well because of the ongoing nature and the long term impact on your family, but could you say no but maybe it would be an opportunity to rebuild the relationship and as he is going to be working so close to where you live you could meet for lunch on occaision or something?

Inertia · 12/05/2011 07:48

Thinking some more, could you perhaps offer one specific night ( one that suits you, e.g DH out playing sport) on a short term trial? I just think that if you let it be ad hoc then you could feel taken advantage of. If he says well no I need Tue Wed Thu, just tell him it isn't possible .

Lucyinthepie · 12/05/2011 08:02

I don't think you should do a one week trial because that will sort of set up the arrangement and leave you open to claims that you are letting him down if you decide that you don't want it to continue. He could also ask you to let it carry on while he makes alternative arrangements, which could go on for however long.
He should have worked this all out before accepting the new job, not just assumed that he could move in on you and your family for half of the week. I think he's been pretty unreasonable to be honest.

Lucyinthepie · 12/05/2011 08:04

Sorry, I didn't mean accepting the new job, I meant before applying for it! The additional travel time should have been a major consideration.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 12/05/2011 08:18

Definitely not. It would be a nightmare. And if it causes a 'rift' of some sort, what the heck? It's not as though you have any relationship to lose with him anyway.

Say you've thought about it a lot and talked about it with your dh and your dh isn't keen on the idea. Husbands have some uses Wink and this decision is one of them. Tell your brother that it's your dh that is putting his foot down and won't budge and that you're very sorry. Don't be swayed.

You could suggest he looks on this brilliant site: www.spareroom.co.uk which is where my lodgers have found my room for rent. HTH

perfumedlife · 12/05/2011 08:21

Oh I think he has a real cheek asking this of you, especially when you barely speak or see each other. It's almost half the week! Can you imagine, you would feel like you were running a hotel, you would be on show, your marriage on show, your parenting? Different if you were close siblings, there could be something good to come of it, but I really think he is taking the piss to be honest.

Did he say he was totally fine with a no, when he asked?

If you can't/won't have him, will he get a b&b? Wonder if was planning to pay you.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/05/2011 08:23

I wouldn't say trial either. I might say until he makes alternative arrangements, but not leave it open ended eg for the first couple of weeks only. You'd have to be ever so brutal once the couple of weeks was over though, if he hadn't been serious about sorting out options. It might be better to just say a regretful-sounding "I'm sorry, it won't be possible" (and don't go into why or you'll find yourself argued out of all the points you thought were good).

Doesn't matter if he's your brother or not; blood may be thicker than water but, as a wise person once said, so's shit. Just because you're related doesn't mean you can necessarily trust him to be a reasonable housemate any more than another person you don't know very well.

bluepaws · 12/05/2011 08:44

why dont you give it a trial run, on the clear understanding it will be reviewed in x number of weeks

zikes · 12/05/2011 09:01

I think say no (possibly using dh as your reason) but help him find a room somewhere else and invite him for evening meals when he's in the new job.

Lucyinthepie · 12/05/2011 09:25

I'm curious to know if he is offering you any money for his proposed arrangement? Regardless, I don't think you should say yes!

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