Some urgent advice please....

[SlateFloor]

My brother lives about 2 hours away. We are not close and never have been. In fact, due to a variety of factors, haven't really lived in the same house for about 30 years. We generally see each other a couple of times a year at family events, but never phone each other etc and at times, have gone everal years without speaking. I'm not completely comfortable with him as I just really don't know him, plus the fact that he can be an opinnated arse at times.

He has been offered a job in a town near where I live and has asked whether he could come and stay a couple of nights a week rather than commute back to his home and family.

Dh and I have talked about this at length and are struggling with it. On one hand, I think I would like to say yes, and use it as an opportunity to build a relationship with my brother. However, I completey understand dh's concerns about the effect on our family and our loss of privacy.

This would be an on-going arrangment, rather than a time limited one and that's partly what's worrying dh.

I need to let my brother know tonight.

Help me please - what would you do?

I'd say a couple of days a month would be fine, but a permanent arrangement is just too intrusive into your daily lives.

I would say definitely NO.

The trouble here is that although he's a brother by blood, he ISN'T a brother in any of the ways that matter.

By presumably quite mutual agreement, you haven't spoken for years at a time.

You don't actually really like him - which is fine - you think he's an 'opinionated arse'.

The fact that he feels it's ok to even ask for this, despite the fact that you have no relationship at all, does rather confirm the above. He sounds very cocksure and confident in 'handling' you and I predict that THAT will be the source of trouble. He's had no trouble asking for something I assume you wouldn't dream of asking him. Meanwhile YOU are agonising about turning him down and feeling guilty and agitated. This is a person you never speak to! That shows the power balance in the relationship. In some sense, he has the upper hand. Is he older than you? YOU need to let HIM know tonight?? That you would be doing him a favour? Really?

It wouldn't end well.

What have you said to him so far? What is the situation with bedrooms, etc.? Because the easiest way out of this would be a series of perfectly valid reasons why it wouldn't be possible such as needing the spare rooms on a REGULAR basis for all the friends that come and stay for a week here and there, lack of space, renovations planned for the autumn, etc.etc.

If you're feeling braver you could - and probably should - simply say no, saying that you don't want to lose your family's privacy like that and that the family don't want to take in a part-lodger who is essentially a stranger to you all. If presented in a polite and reasonable way, it's not rude to say that - he is a stranger, you have by mutual consent ceased to have a sibling relationship. He's had no interest in your lives, your children, your relationship, and he wouldn't have been in touch otherwise. Also it's a huge ask, one that most considerate people would think long and hard about before asking even a close friend/relative. If he takes offence, he is indeed an arse as well as a pretty brazen sponger, so you have your answer, and it won't be any loss - as he's not family or friend in any way that matters.

I think some people are really nice, much nicer than I am. I get on quite well with my brother, but if he'd rung me suggesting that he move into the house indefinitely for 4 days a week he'd have got an instant answer - "You're having a laugh aren't you?". The idea wouldn't have got off the ground.

I would say no in your situation.

If you had a close loving relationship then I would consider it.

If it were temporary - couple of weeks then I would consider it.

If it were one night a week then that's not too intrusive.

But he's going to be in your home Mon night thru to Fri morning - getting in the bathroom when you want to, making breakfast when you're trying to get sorted, walking in at night possibly expecting you to have cooked him some dinner? No no no no no.

Good lord Slatefloor, I love my brother dearly but I couldn't have him living in my home on an ongoing basis like that.
Your brother has no right to even ask. It is not your job to provide accomodation for him so that he can earn more money at a better job. I totally agree with everything Shoutyhamster says in her post. Tell him no, do it in a polite manner and if he strops or kicks off then it's not your problem. You don't really have a relationship anyway so even if he refused to speak to you ever again it's no great loss.

Best of luck, let us know how you get on.

I was put in a similar situation by my brother a couple of months ago. I hadn't heard from him in nearly 3 years and he called me and said " I'm coming to live with you " !! Didn't ask just announced it. Apparantly he wanted a change of scenary. I had to say no as I only rent a two bedroom terrace and live with my DD. I felt awful but knew that it wouldn't just be a couple of weeks. So in your situation I would say no, you have to think of your own family and the status quo.

I would offer to help him out a couple of nights for the first fortnight until he had his bearings around the area and found a suitable alternative place.

Nothing longer than that.

He is moving to earn more. He would be saving money at your expense in gas, electricity, hot water for showers, food etc. Long term and open ended is not acceptable or fair on your family.

Let us know how it goes.

There has been no consideration at all on the OP's brother's part with regards to her circumstances.

He should be looking for accommodation in the town where the job is located as his sister does not actually live there. He's also more than old enough to look for accommodation himself and in this particular case their relationship is pretty much non existant.

Say no, it's easier to say no right from the start then it is to say yes then have to say it isn't working later.

Gosh, lots of replies. Thank you.

With regard to the practicalities. There is no problem with a spare room as we are lucky enough to have 2. There is no problem with parking.

I've spent all day thinking about this. ShoutyHamster is absolutely right about the balance of power. He is my older brother.

Attila - although it's not the same town as we live in, it's only about 15 mins away.

The fact that we don't really have a relationship makes me quite sad. I would love to have a relationship with him, and my nephew (and SIL). It isn't either of our faults that the relationship never really took off. He went away to boarding school at 11 (I was 2 years younger), and then went off to university. By the time he came back, I'd left home. We just carried on drifting apart after that. We lived in different towns, many miles apart and just rarely saw each other.

I feel cross with myself that when he first asked me, I didn't say no immediately, or at least, put the dampers on the idea.

I know that I don't want him to stay 2 nights a week - that would be too intrusive on my family. I think dh and I would be ok with him staying 1 night a week, on a regular night. However, we would only agree to try it for, say, a month and then it would have to be reviewed, with an agreement that either of us could back out without any recriminations.

There would also be very firm ground rules about smoking (he does and we don't), food, washing etc.

Oh shit. Am I being too soft.

I'd offer for 2 months whilst he finds a more permanent arrangement and offer to be there for emergencies but NOT on a permanent basis

I think that what you have suggested is as far as you can go with any offer you make, certainly don't offer more than that. As you suggest, it's important to make it clear that he'd be a guest in your home, it's not a rented room where he can do as he pleases.

The other thing to consider is that it could be possible for him to get a room in a Premier Inn/ B&B occasionally, my DH used to do this one night a week if he was working in the office (4 hours away). A £29 room might be a manageable cost when balanced against petrol costs. It's not as though your home is the only possibility.

You say he's asking to stay with you in order that he earns a higher income and to reduce his overheads...what about your costs? You'll be expected to cook for/clean after/wash clothes for/ provide heat+all utilites mon-fri??

No. Not long term. To help get settled and in emergencies of course, but not long term.

If you say yes what if it goes on for years? You will not feel able to back out because you promised. It could potentially be a dreadful situation for your family. Say no, honestly say no.

A quick update.

I've spoken to him and said that if he takes the job, we would be happy for him to stay one night a week for the first two months until he gets settled at work. He seemed very happy with that.

I feel comfortable with what we've offered to do and am glad that we've been able to extend a little hospitality, and possibly build bridges, without compromising our family life.

Thank you to all of you who made me feel better about not wanting him to stay several nights a week, longterm. It really helped me see what was reasonable (and not!).