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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just had a horrendous night of it- shell shocked.

100 replies

toptramp · 07/05/2011 05:34

I have posted about my recent break up with my ex due to sex/drinking problems.
I admit I was foolish and sent him too many texts saying how much I loved him and wanted him back. stupid. stupid. stupid.
He then called me at 2 in the morning to tell me to stop contact.
I was a bit drunk and told him there was no need to be nasty. He wasn't being that nasty. He was just cold (quite rightfully so as I was not getting the message)
We ended up having a vicious slanging match. Again; stupid, stupid, stupid.
I just looked on facebook to block him and there is a message saying how wonderful my daughter is and how I don't deserve her as I am not worth a horses shit.
I think I hurt him but this has got nasty. From my side too. I definately don't want him back now but I am shell shocked, hurt, broken and feeling like the most horrendous mother, ex girlfriend and person in the whole world. :-(

To make matters worse I am needy as fuck.

OP posts:

Original poster

toptramp · 07/05/2011 05:47

I just wanted to be friends but we are too fired up and hurt for that.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 07/05/2011 06:01

Is he your daughter's father? If not then delete his number from your phones now. Delete him from FB.

YOU can be as needy as you like but you are not going to call this tool again. That disgusting message on his FB page about you says it all.

Wallow in private but do not contact this slime again. Please.

Original poster

toptramp · 07/05/2011 06:06

No he is not my dds dad. I am bereft. why I don't know.

He also told me he had sex with someone else yesterday to which I replied;

Poor women ; I hope it lasted longer than 10 seconds which was a bit below the belt but even so....

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RatherBeOnThePiste · 07/05/2011 06:08

Winky is right. Delete from Facebook, delete from your phone. Do not make it so easy for him to be abusive.

((hug))

Be needy but rely on nicer, reliable friends to help you! I'm sorry you are having a bad time though.

Wisedupwoman · 07/05/2011 06:09

Up early because couldn't sleep and saw your post OP. Oh dear.

I don't know your other post from your description - not sure where the sex/drinking problems were and who/why the relationship ended?

Anyhow, we all do daft things when we're fired up, and calling you at 2am is a daft thing no matter the reason. Don't be hard on yourself, you're going through a tough time and your new thread suggests you don't actually know yet what you want and this is entirely normal- it takes time to work through your feelings to get to the relationship you'll want with XP in the longer term.
How you feel now is different to how you'll feel in a few weeks.

Get some sleep today if you can. Stop looking at facebook, you'll only torture yourself more. Wait for an opportune moment to apologise if necessary (scrub this if not apt, I don't know your back-story).

Calm down. And you're not as needy as fuck. You're upset.

RatherBeOnThePiste · 07/05/2011 06:09

And stop engaging with him!! He probably didn't have sex with anyone else, he's trying to hurt you. For your sake and your DD's, step away.

Ignore then delete

Original poster

toptramp · 07/05/2011 06:13

Apparently I am also crazy and we do engage I do act crazy; screaming and shouting. I definately want out!

OP posts:

RatherBeOnThePiste · 07/05/2011 06:18

Go and do it now then - delete from FB, delete from your phone.

If you definitly want out, go and do it now, and good luck!

needafootmassage · 07/05/2011 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zikes · 07/05/2011 10:19

So you drunkenly bombarded him with texts? Maybe he only received the last one at 2am - they can sometimes take ages to deliver, and that's why he was exasperated enough to call you?

It's good that you're blocking him on FB - delete his numbers and email address, etc etc. Horrible things get said in the heat of the moment, and now's the time to stop all contact, it's doing neither of you any good.

Chin up, most people have done the similar things under booze and a break-up .

Maybeitsbecause · 07/05/2011 10:22

Delete him from Facebook. Delete his number from your phone so you aren't tempted to text him again. Lay off the booze for a while and concentrate on your priorities - work, kids, friends etc.

It sounds like the relationship is over. Move on as swiftly as you can.

Re: neediness. Counselling?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 07/05/2011 10:23

Sorry to ask - haven't seen your other threads - but was the break up due to your drinking? If so then that's the thing you need to address (because if you have a pattern of drinking too much, making impossible demands and then screaming and shouting when they are not met, then you have a big problem that is not this man's fault and not something he can fix), and in the meantime stop all contact with this man.

Kimberjem · 07/05/2011 11:47

don't think it's feasible to be friends with an ex until/unless you are both perfectly happy with hearing and talking about any new partners, otherwise not really a friendship, soooo, leave well alone and time to get over it.

Original poster

toptramp · 07/05/2011 17:00

Actually i am no longer drinking as much as I was with him and it was HIS alchohol problem. He once fell down the stairs whilst holding dd as he was drunk after drinking tia maria and wine TOGETHER. Ugggggrrrr.
Then tried to make ME feel guilty for telling him off.
Here's to a brighter future.

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Original poster

toptramp · 07/05/2011 17:02

I'm not sure I WANT to be his mate as I feel sorry for any of his future conquests.

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florencedougal · 07/05/2011 18:24

you sound a bit bunny boilerish

maybe he thought direct nastiness was necessary to get you to see sense - cruel to be kind

Original poster

toptramp · 07/05/2011 18:30

ta florence There's always one isn't there.

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SpringchickenGoldBrass · 07/05/2011 23:03

You still need to let him go, whatever the truth about who drank more than who. he is not your DD's father, so therefore he is not just morally entitled to walk away and refuse contact with you, but legally so. Being needy is a Bad Thing that you need to learn to stop doing, because beeing needy is very attractive to bad people.

JeremyVile · 07/05/2011 23:08

....and very unattractive to decent people.

FabbyChic · 07/05/2011 23:14

Once all the shit calms down you can be friends and have to be for the sake of your child.

The first six months after the split with my childrens father was horrendous and I had to get two injunctions one after the other, it's been 15 years now and we get on great.

Lizzabadger · 08/05/2011 00:19

He's not the father of the child. No reason for them to have any more contact.

Original poster

toptramp · 08/05/2011 07:17

I am pretty sure now that no contact and no friends is the way foward. why would I want an alchoholic emotional abuser as a mate anyway?

He phoned me twice yesterday (which I ignored) then sent me a text to ask me not to text him. He's clearly goading me for a reaction. Needless to say ignored him, deleted all his contact details and feel so much better for it. knob!

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iloveeverton · 08/05/2011 08:07

Well done on the ignoring. You sound stronger already. Keep going.

BarbieGrows · 08/05/2011 09:00

Please, OP, put this relationship behind you.

I can't get to the bottom of it from what is on here, but you seem to want to hurt this man - it's one thing being the victim in an abusive relationship but I think if you find yourself wanting to hurt him, you've really lost. Sorry to say, either way, you need to stop this. Focus on your children, your sanity. Build their future and don't waste any more energy. He'll get over it, disengage and let him go.

Original poster

toptramp · 08/05/2011 09:25

I'm past wanting to hurt him to be honest. I'm just going to ignore, ignore and ignore and rise above it.
Yesterday I was livid and did want to hurt him but I've decided to rise above 100% now.
I do wish him all the best and no ill but I can't solve his problems.

I was always the one saying I wanted to leave things on a good note whereas he responded with spite. The way he ''dumped'' me was spiteful. He wanted a two week break and I said no we should just split up as it would go on and on and he didn't like it. He wanted the control back so he used verbal abuse.

I feel like saying to him ''actually I do xdesrve to be my dds mum but you don't deserve to be part of this family'' but I can't be arsed.

When I was drunk I said mabe we could give it a go in the future but now I don't want to.

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