Just had a horrendous night of it- shell shocked.

[toptramp]

I have posted about my recent break up with my ex due to sex/drinking problems.
I admit I was foolish and sent him too many texts saying how much I loved him and wanted him back. stupid. stupid. stupid.
He then called me at 2 in the morning to tell me to stop contact.
I was a bit drunk and told him there was no need to be nasty. He wasn't being that nasty. He was just cold (quite rightfully so as I was not getting the message)
We ended up having a vicious slanging match. Again; stupid, stupid, stupid.
I just looked on facebook to block him and there is a message saying how wonderful my daughter is and how I don't deserve her as I am not worth a horses shit.
I think I hurt him but this has got nasty. From my side too. I definately don't want him back now but I am shell shocked, hurt, broken and feeling like the most horrendous mother, ex girlfriend and person in the whole world. :-(

To make matters worse I am needy as fuck.

Anyfucker and solidgold are posters who others worship because their advice is FUNNY because it's so blunt. It may be honest or ''true'' but it is not always fun to be on the recieving end of their ''wisdom'' when things are hard and it is interesting how we NEVER hear of any of their personal lives or problems because I am assuming they are perfectly sorted on that front and therefore are qualified to give amazing advice.
There are cetain ways of talking to people who are suffering and if I went to a councellor I would be horrified if they spoke to me in the way that the posters on here do. there are ways of telling people they need to change without goading them.

Hi. I had stopped drinking when I met him and then he came round with his one bottle of wine a night which gradually turned to two. He needed a drinking partner. Now he has gone I no longer have that role which is wonderful!

This site is not about getting counselling. You get people' opinions and thats it.
If you are making a pigs ear of things you will get opinions you don't like. That is not bullying.

Www.netmums.com

What bullying? You're just getting it straight as far as I can see.

There's really nothing funny about your dd being witness to this kind of carry on, and her safety being put at risk by you exposing her to drunken abusive behaviour from others.

It sounds like blunt advice is exactly what you need. I'm not surprised the truth hurts.

I think you are still drunk.

I can understand where you are coming from. I had a relationship with a guy for 8 months and all we did was hurt each other. I wanted the relationship to work so much i was obsseced with it, i just couldn't let go as i thought i had failed. It ended when i did a moonlight flit and left without telling him. I rented a room and then called him from a payphone to tell him i had moved out. There was no trust or love in the relationship at all, He was incabable of it. It took me 3 years to get over an 8 month relationship as it was so distructive.

I had counciling and i moved on. He contacted me by phone, he wanted to be friends. I said no and changed my phone. Then when i was Married he emailed me. I showed my husband and i blocked and ignored the email.

I lost out on my Degree i wanted and the change to spend a year in the US because i let him control my life. I have to live with that. I learened to grow up and to respect myself more than any other person. At the end of the day people dont care how your life works out because its not theres. The only person who cares will be you.

I'm now married at a fab guy who loves me and respects me and is there for me 100% and i love him for it. But it took work on me to find him and to know what a decent and loveing man was.

Your acting like a mad cow. Cut contact and go to cocilling and work on your self to stop being needy. Also you need to think about what your DD saw and who she will be affected and what type of relationship ytou are setting her up for. If you dont respect yourself how can she?

Also you need to look at the issue of drinking. Just because someone gives you a drink does not mean you have to drink it.

I also think you need to work on your ownm self love and learn so control.

Good luck for the future and i hope this has been a wake up call for you to change for the better and be the person you know you can be.

Sorry for long post and all the typo's i have a 2 yo running me over with his bike

toptramp I'm with you about the flaming/cyberbullying whatever you call it. The reason you are posting is not because you KNOW what's wrong, of course you KNOW. You don't need to be told. You just need to be listened to so you can get the strength to do the right thing.

Some of the posts from people on here I think are completely unsympathetic, unsupportive and I would try to ignore them before you let them wear you down - you need to be empowered, not brought down. You have been honest enough to expose your weaknesses and people should feel privileged to be able to hear that.

Women can be abusive as well as men. People who don't expose their own weaknesses are often uncomfortable with people who do. People say things on forums that they would never say face to face. Try and take it all with a pinch of salt and focus on the genuine support.

FFS - look up the definition of bullying before you make such silly accusations.

he sounds like a right muppet and the comment on facebook proves that 100%. Ignore ignore ignore!!!!

Just keep moving away from him TT ,you dont need this negativity in your life .Breaking up with anyone is emotional but at least you can completely DETATCH now because you dont have kids together.
Nothing wrong for speaking up for yourself btw .
I often find reading something back 24hrs later helps you see the advice in a different way even if it irritates you at the time .Might still be irritating but at least you are less emotional .Talking in RL is just so different than typing on a PC.
If you are looking for support you WILL find it here ,loads of knowledgeable women will help you rebuild a new you after this eejit ,if you want them to.You dont have to put up with a disrespectful bloke .
Go on and celebrate being you TT ,the more sorted you are in yourself the better you life will be ,have fun x

You are not 100% detached. When you are, you will see that here we all have your best interests at heart TT, right now you can't see that cos a small part of you still carries a glowing match for him.

S'alright, it's normal and natural. If you ask, we will advise, we will opine and if anyone of us says something to an OP that doesn't ring true, we stand to get corrected on it.

One day you will find yourself in a better place and you will see that SGB and AF etc ARE actually getting right at the point, the correct one and giving it to you straight. The fact that you are fighting it is understandable, knowing that you are still in mourning. It is OK, you won't be forever.

FWIW, I have lost count of the PMs I have had from some truly awesome posters that are on this thread wishing me well and asking after me, checking up on me when X left my life. They are friends, they are like big and little sisters, and tell me straight when I'm talking shit. I'd rather that than a legion of super-huns all cooing and billing over me.

My advice, yeah it's hard to listen to, but please, take it on the chin. We all know that YOU are not to blame for a lot of this, but you CAN help yourself perhaps a little more than you are at present. Self esteem is preventing you from doing that, naturally, but a virtual gentle shake for you to see how you can get rid of all this chaos and live normally is what is needed, as hard as it is to accept.

You can and will do this! We are here to help you, every step of the way. Please let us?

Thanks all. i guess i overreact when a nerve is hit. The thing is i am giving myself a hard time as i know i used to text him too much when i was annoyed. my achilles heel is the text. however, he was very disrespectful and drunk at the end and no long-term prospect. i remember i phoned him a week ago as i was annoyed at having to wait for him AGAIN as he was always an hour late. He just laughed at me and then I knew....the love and respect had gone.

The reason why I am so angry is that he said he loved my dd and yet he was so quick to throw in the towel instead of making it work. I welcomed him into the family but spoke my mind when I was upset. I thought if I told him when I was upset we could sort our issues but he'd just walk out and refuse to communicate and stonewall so it never going to happen.
He just saw ma as a nag as he wanted to behave as he wished without a boring gf getting in the way of his fun.

I would love to be like AF and solidgold deep down and take no shit but I am so not whn it comes to men.

I did go on at him when something was wrong but he made me pay for it.

We all make mistakes (sheesh, understatement for me here!). People can do amazing impressions of good partners when they want to, the very best of us get taken in unless we know all the red flags to watch for. That only comes with time, learning about and appreciating yourself, and what is and what is not important.

I take no shit NOW, that is why I got mine out of my life. he can't hurt me anymore, he can't control me and he can't make my life a misery for his own delectation.

However... it took me 10 years to get here! You could sail around the world on the tears I have shed. Only the last couple of years I have been on MN and had my eyes opened and felt virtually supported enough to take a deep breath and allow myself to detach.

You will get there, you will put yourself and your DC first, you will not allow a mere bloke to get in the way of what's important again, but you have a wee bit of work to do before you get there.

I don't know SGB's story and know only a smidge of AF's, but I know that they were neither born as hard as nails as they appear to be, they have probably learnt the hard way, as you are learning now.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Your strength is growing by the day.

Oh, meant to add, you may have made a mistake allowing your X into your family, but at least you didn't have kids with him. You need to recognise that as a good thing!

TT, what on earth made you think I have never taken any shit from men, love ?

I started taking shit from men (my father) the day I was born and that fucked me up for a good while

There was a time I needed someone to tell me straight

no-one did, so I carried on making awful mistakes

I eventually grew up though, and ditched the drama

the drama is what I picked up from your posts

the drinking, the "giving it back to him", the awful rows and slugging it out with children around, the Facebook silliness etc

it's alright saying you want a quiet life, but you can make it so by detaching and following through by making sure men like this are never allowed to get under your skin

and never allowed to feature so highly without proving themselves over a very long period of time first

I think yopu are right in saying the drama was an attaction. there are SOOO many times when I SHOULD have dumped him.

When I mentioned a month ago that the sex was no longer satisfactory (ie; non; existant) He started biting me quite hard on the neck. Like a love bite but a real bite. It fucking hurt. I screamed at hime to stop and he said he didn't understand me. I should have dropped him there and then.

The trouble is Anyfucker, when I start having sex with someone I get attached to them too easily and find it very hard to drop them even when they are bang out of order. Hope that makes sense?

The sex was graet at first so that made me stay. when the sex went, however there was nothing left.

I would love to be able to drop them straight away at the first red flag BUT i find it so hard. Why?

would you consider exploring with a counsellor why ?

you have acknowledged it....you need to take it further, or you will possibly carry on repeatng this destructive pattern

fuckwit men have a radar for women who are damaged for some reason (am speaking in general terms now, not about you personally, although I include myself in that category)

low self esteem, bad relationship-modelling through childhood, co-dependency (google it), mental health issues such as depression, an alcohol or drug problem.....I could go on and on and on

there are so many reasons why people will accept poor treatment from others and have difficulty recognising (or acting on) red flags (the biting thing was the reddest of red flags, yes )

get some help with this, to prevent the patterns recurring and passing down the generations to your dc

and have nothing whatsoever to do this this particular fuckwit by text, email, letter, absolutely nothing ever again

He makes my skin crawl now so contact of any kind is not an option. Shame he lives in the same town.

I will prob go back to councelling for a while before finding a new relationship.

The problem is I felt defensive throughout my relationship. When I told my friends I was feeling hurt, they would pull faces and tell me I could do better but I would defend him because I didn't want to admit he was WRONG and I would have to break up with him. WHY?!