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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think husband left poo in the sink

103 replies

hmmcake · 02/05/2011 11:45

I'm having real troubles with hubby, we've been together 8 years now, married for 3 and we have a beautiful 8 month daughter that we had to go through ivf for. We have a lovely home with no mortgage and get by on hubbys part time job - I would like to return to work but hubby finds it very hard looking after the baby - and we'd both like another child so he'd rather I was a stay at home Mum. So by and large we're happy, but like everybody else we have baggage, and ours is from our mothers. His worked long hours in a hospital and spent all her spare time cleaning the house and arguing with his father, mine watched TV and dumped me in a childrens home. Obviously I want better for our children and I thought he did too but he's reacting really badly to the house having to be cleaner. The other week he left a piece of his own faeces - not the babys - in the bathroom sink. He's been making things go mouldy around the house since I made a fuss about things going mouldy and now 2 weeks after the poo incident, baby and I have diarrhoea after I woke up 3 nights ago having to throw up. I love my husband very much but that person's gone now and I'm wondering if we wouldn't be safer and happier without this pathetic child that's appeared in his place. What on earth do I do to fix this???

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 02/05/2011 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabyYoureAFirework · 02/05/2011 13:16

What BluddyMoFo said. That's not the first conclusion I would jump to Confused Is there more to this, OP?

tiredemma · 02/05/2011 13:16

These really do not sound like contributing factors to a mental illness.

He sounds like he might have got shit on his hand after using toilet and it dfidnt go down the sink when he washed his hand.

Leaving wet towels around- my DP (and DS) do this unfortunately. Its called laziness.

hairylights · 02/05/2011 13:16

So actually there is nothing to say it's poo at all. I'm fairly sure if there was poo in my sink I'd be able to identify it, no matter how small.

What discussions have you had together regarding who does what around the house - he's working part time, so presume he has some time in which to pull his weight in this regard.

Could you make the laundry one of your chores, while he takes, for example, hoovering and mopping and the food shop?

BluddyMoFo · 02/05/2011 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LynetteScavo · 02/05/2011 13:22

hmmcake, has your DH only been like this since you had the baby?

ZacharyQuack · 02/05/2011 13:22

With regards to the mouldy clothes, that could be cluelessness or laziness. Do you make him deal with the consequences? Rewashing smelly damp clothes, replacing things damaged with mould.

GKlimt · 02/05/2011 13:23

Isn't poo a bit stinky? Unlike dirt from the garden?

And no other evidence of soiling which is a MH problem. The mould/damp just sounds like 'teenage' grottiness and expecting the servants to pick up. Smile

GalaxyGuzzler · 02/05/2011 13:24

My DH would put damp stuff away and think he is being helpful. I wouldn't call 'looking guilty' concluesive evidence of having poo'd in the sink. If there are other issues that you havn't mentioned that are worrying you then maybe get some advice on those, but as it is it sounds like you are being abit over sensitive.

FudgeGirl · 02/05/2011 13:41

Sounds like there is a breakdown of communication and you are jumping to some very odd conclusions OP.

You need to speak to someone in real life and get help with these problems.

RudeEnglishLady · 02/05/2011 13:51

He sounds a bit incompetent. Have you got an airing cupboard to put the laundry into? Failing that, have a clothes airer in the spare room or wherever and hang folded items on that till they are dry. Give him instructions on the process of laundry so he knows what to expect.

WRT wet towels - put some hooks up hang towels from hooks instead of doors. Will also look much nicer.

I think if it was really poo it would have smelled very strongly and there would be no doubt what it was.

atswimtwolengths · 02/05/2011 14:15

What's wrong with taking the OP at her word? If that's what was in her sink, why not believe her?

She says he is reacting to having to make the house cleaner. Yes, he could be lazy, but she's not saying that, is she?

OP, I think you need to speak to your GP. You could explain that it's difficult for you to talk to someone because you were taken away from your family and you've always been worried that the same could happen to you and your child. You will get reassurance there.

Children don't get taken away from their parents unless they are at risk. I wonder whether you know the full story as to why you were put into care. If you feel your husband is putting you and your child at risk, you MUST act on that.

GKlimt · 02/05/2011 14:29

atswimslengths I think the OP is a bit confusing, too and in the main there are lots of requests for clarification rather than 'not believing' With a couple of exceptions.

The threads expressing a fear of consulting GPs or other HCP because of previous SSD involvement and the persistent belief that children are removed willy-nilly [especially, if there are MH probs] all too often become hostile, hectoring and end badly. IME>

ThatVikRinA22 · 02/05/2011 14:42

it sounds to me like he has been like this for some time, as in lazy, leaving wet towels about and so on is not indicative of a mental health issue...maybe now you are just noticing it because of the extra work the baby has created? do you not pick up wet towels before they go mouldy? mine go in the wash. can you not speak to him about clearing up after himself?

the original post reads as being quite odd and makes the op sound like the one with the issues if im being honest....i dont think op has explained the situation very well.

i have to say if i suspected my DH of deliberately smearing or leaving shit in the sink i would be talking to him - because that is just plain plain weird! why do you think he would do this op?

but i still dont understand how he is responsible for illness in the house? or making things go mouldy? sounds like he is just incompetent at house work to me and not to great on the old hygiene front then??? but op has been with him 8 years?? have these things not reared their head before now?

im still confused.

squeakytoy · 02/05/2011 14:50

He could have stood in poo and been washing it off his shoes. Or it could have got on his hands when changing the baby. Maybe he had a bit of an accident in a rush to the loo or a bit more than what he thought was a fart, and had to rinse out his underwear.. there are lot more plausible reasons than to assume he actually took a dump in the sink!! IF it was poo at all, which to be quite honest it does not sound like it.

Putting damp clothes away will make them go mouldy, but it doesnt sound like he is doing that on purpose and is maybe just rushing to tidy them away without realising they are still a bit damp.

I may be misunderstanding this, but I really think the OP is the one here who may have a bit of an issue that could benefit from a visit to the docs. It could be OCD, it could be PND, but I think that the husband being at fault is a red herring here.

FreudianSlipper · 02/05/2011 14:56

maybe he is trying to help but feels like whatever he does is not good enough, maybe you need to relax a little. true he should know that its best to fold clothes when they are dry but putting a damp towel over the bedroom door i do this all the time

tbh you are coming across as being a little too over protective which i can understand. a little bit of dirt (not poo) will not harm a baby, you will in the next few years have many bugs and colds and likely that your child will too as they pick up everything while their immune system is building up and lovingly pass it on to you

relax a little and enjoy this time its very special (all of it is) but it passes so so quickly

Pancakeflipper · 02/05/2011 14:59

I have read this and I am more concerned about you OP. I mean it kindly and I am not having a go. You just seem to be adding lite things together and making mountains. Garden mud in the sink, hanging towels up when wet and making it worse ... Well things like that happen. My DP seems incapable of hanging out the wet washing on the airers so air circulates around them and they don't get that musty smell. Drives me bonkers - but I don't think he's got MH issues.

Perhaps as a result of his mother being over-zealous with housework he's got a determination to make his home now feel like a home and not a polished palace. I hope he's got the balance right and not gone to the other extreme of a slum. Which I doubt cos you sound very capable.

How are you though? Overtired with this runny bum and baby being ill? Do you feel on top of things or dragging yourself along, finding fault with the world? It's damn hard running the home, looking after baby etc. If you are feeling a little off kilter have a chat with the HV. Do you put yourself under pressure because you spent time in a home and you want to make your baby's life perfect? Don't try to be Superwoman. Honestly your child wants love, encouragement and a happy mummy.

I have wrote all this and I know I could well off the mark. But had to say it. Please ignore if I have wrong end of a big stick.

pinkstarlight · 02/05/2011 16:38

i dont know if its a mental health problem or just your husband has issues either way your husband seriously needs help.clearly you having a baby has kicked something off in him thats far from normal even if hes only rebelling.you cant brush this off what if he gets worse,the signs are there waving big red flags please dont ignore it get help.

jade80 · 02/05/2011 17:29

''Sorry to be vague, there was a little round piece of what looked like poo in the sink, obviously I thought it couldn't be and must be dirt or something, so I ran the tap but it didn't go away. I asked hubby 'what's this in the sink' and got him to come to the bathroom and he immediately looked really guilty and sheepish and said he'd been gardening, it must be a piece of dirt, so he pushed it through the drain. He just looked like he'd been caught red handed.''

Couldn't it just be some clay soil from your garden? Perhaps he just looked guilty because he thought you were cross he hadn't cleaned it up. I think you may have jumped to a conclusion that might not be right.

''Things going mouldy - he puts clean laundry away while it's still damp to help haha, wet clothes folded up under the sink, and he hangs his bath towel to dry over the bedroom door but the wooden door is now mouldy because his towel is so sodden, some clothes and towels and bedding I've had to bin because it's gone mouldy''

The laundry thing just sounds a bit clueless, wasn't he just trying to help? However poor the execution! Folding wet clothes a bit odd granted! Loads of people I know hang towels over doors, his towel must be really really wet to do that to the door?!

''I don't usually clean light switches and sockets but since we got diarrhea thought I should to be on the safe side. it's only the baby and i who are ill, he's fine''

OK fair enough. If it's only you two that are ill though, how is it his fault? I'm not sure this is relevant to the rest.

I still think you're making a mountain out of a molehill, it doesn't sound like he's doing it on purpose to annoy you.

jade80 · 02/05/2011 17:31

Have just read pancakeflippers post and totally agree, very well put.

mathanxiety · 02/05/2011 18:22

(1) Do you think he is thinking of you more as a mum than a wife now that you have a baby, and that he is displaying some sort of passive aggressive anger towards you as a result?

Has he ever talked with you about his feelings towards his mother?

(2) Have you ever talked with a counsellor about your own experience with your mother? Are you afraid of being as bad as she was and trying to overcompensate?

Were you both used to being a bit lax in the cleaning department? Who decided the house needed to be cleaner? Did this change come after the baby arrived?

maypole1 · 02/05/2011 18:57

sorry but he is clearly not all their and if pooing in the sink is not a sighn of somone who is drunk, or unstable then i dont know what is i would take to a&e and get they pych down to see him

maypole1 · 02/05/2011 18:59

sorry but i have just asked my oh who is a nurse and that is not i repeat normal behaviour

squeakytoy · 02/05/2011 19:03

Maypole, there is NO PROOF that he has done this, or even if it WAS actually poo in the sink! The op explains this further on after her initial post.

catchmeifyoucan · 02/05/2011 19:14

Maypole it might benefit you greatly if you read the whole thread, read some of the insightful posts on it and then come back and make a sensible comment.

OP - this isn't meant to sound nasty or harsh but I very much doubt it's your DH with the problem here.