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Original poster

....to think my dh is being a knob?

90 replies

goatshavestrangeeyes · 28/04/2011 10:15

Cut a long story short he is very very jealous of my ex. This is for many reasons and some of it my fault Sad

I have a dd with the ex who she sees once maybe twice a week as we have recently moved 5 mins up the road from him (dh's idea, i was a bit unsure about it at the time but i thought it was working out just fine)

Now my dh has decided this is enough and that i shouldn't be letting him see her that often, or if i have a problem with childcare then i shouldn't be asking the ex to have dd etc. He says he can't understand why i would want the ex and dd to have a close realtionship as when i first met him the ex wasn't on the scene and thats how he thought it was going it to stay?

No i do see his point but is hbu? or is it just him being silly over a bit of jealousy?

OP posts:
Reality · 28/04/2011 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tallulahxhunny · 28/04/2011 10:20

sounds like hes jealous of the relationship between her and her dad. maybe he thought it would be advantageous to you two for going out etc and having the dad close by as babysitter but you arnt going out together as often??

i dunno, i wish my kids dad lived closer to me, I would let him have them every weekend so me & dh could go out lol

IMissSleep · 28/04/2011 10:21

How unfair to your DD. At least he wants to be involved in her life, lots of men (and women) don't.

How old is your DD?

squeakytoy · 28/04/2011 10:22

How on earth is it your fault. Of course your daughter deserves to have contact with her father, and it is a fathers duty to help out with his childs care too. It is better for your daughter that her parents are not at war with each other.

Tell your husband that he needs to grow up a bit, and if you wanted to be with your ex, you would have been, but you chose him. Your daughter is a child who cant choose, nor does she need to, and her father has every right to see her.

Shakirasma · 28/04/2011 10:26

YANBU your daughter has a moral and legal right to have a relationship with her father. And if your ex is willing to have her often and to provide childcare then so much the better for your girl.

pjmama · 28/04/2011 10:27

DD has an absolute right to the opportunity to develop a close relationship with her father, assuming he's not a dangerous character who is unsafe for her to be around. Your DH is being a complete dick in trying to deny her this for his own selfish reasons. He may not like the fact that she has a biological father, but it is a FACT and he needs to grow up and deal with it.

If it is the ex's contact with YOU that he's really objecting to, then that's something else entirely and you need to talk to him about it. You say his jealousy is partly your fault, so there's obviously more to the story, but that is a different thing to wanting to restrict your DDs access to him. He should recognise the difference.

fuzzywuzzy · 28/04/2011 10:29

He's being utterly utterly unreasonable.

Your daughter deserves to have a good relationship with her dad. It's great your ex and your daughter get along so well, and he steps up to the plate and is being a father to his child.

What would you partner prefer, that you all spent funds, time, energy and emotions running the gauntlet of court hearings instead?

Your partner isn't being a 'little silly' he's being an arse, how would he like it if his child was taken away from him on the say so of a partner of his ex?

How old is your DD, surely she would notice if her contact with her father suddenly diminished?

Original poster
goatshavestrangeeyes · 28/04/2011 10:38

squeakytoy- thats exactly what i have been telling him.

I hadn't long split up with the ex when i met dh and at the time i truly believed that i would never see him or speak to him again...well things change and i guess i was a bit naive for thinking that. The ex tried to come back on the scene and as i tried to let him down gently and didn't slam the door in his face dh sees this as me not being able to decide who i wanted to be with - NOT TRUE!

My dd is 6 and adores her dad, always has. I believe it is very important that she has a good relationship with her dad and i have told dh this and that i will not change my opinion on it. Dh and i have a 11 month old ds together.

I think he is jealous of the fact that my ex will always be in our lives. He doesn't like it if i text him (which is only ever about dd) esp if i do it when he's not here. I have to tell him everything i've said to my ex well he reads my texts anyway.

He can be controlling but most of it is probably my own fault, I've not exactly done myseLf any favours or been very reassuring. But at the end of the day i chose to be with him and thats what i want. I actually couldn't give a stuff about my ex, i ended it because i no longer had feeling for him.

OP posts:
Diggs · 28/04/2011 10:45

This isnt sounding good op .

And no , it isnt your own fault , but it is time to start setting some limits before things escalate further .

QuelleLeJeff · 28/04/2011 10:48

What an arsehole.

It's not your fault if he is being controlling, is it? That's down to his own inadequacies - not yours.

squeakytoy · 28/04/2011 10:49

Goats, sorry but this post does ring a bit of an alarm bell to me

He can be controlling but most of it is probably my own fault, I've not exactly done myseLf any favours or been very reassuring

He is an adult, not a child. He shouldnt need constant reassuring or his fragile insecure ego massaging.

He met you knowing you had a child, and even if you did not have contact with your ex at that point, it was almost inevitable that in the future, because of the child you had together, that you would have contact with this man one day. Your daughters relationship with her dad has to be amicable, which is not always possible, and it is good that you have reached this balance, and this man will always be in your life because of your daughter.

Stamp on his controlling behaviour now, before he steps it up, which he will if you are not careful. Dont keep "reassuring him", because that is just giving him the pandering which he wants. Tell him how it is, firmly and calmly, and tell him that if it bothers him, then it is his problem and he needs to deal with his irrational emotions.

therealmrsbeckham · 28/04/2011 10:51

He is being totally unreasonable and behaving like a complete arsehole. It's great that your DD has a good relationship with her dad. How dare he think that he can dictate your DD's access to her own father!

I had a similar situation with my exH who was horribly jealous of my DD's dad. I have a good relationship with DD's dad and all of his family and DD is very close to them. ExH couldn't cope with this at all. He was forever accusing me of cheating on him with DD'd dad and badmouthing him in front of DD. He then became more and more verbally abusive.

It got worse when we had DS and he used to create an awful atmosphere if DD's other family spoke to or bought DS a present.

FabbyChic · 28/04/2011 10:51

He will always be jealous, he needs to see the childs father as just that the childs father and nothing else to do with you.

I don't see how you can get it resolved and think it will cause a huge rift in your relationship.

He needs to understand that his daughter needs contact with her dad, that contact is a good thing not a bad thing.

If he cannot get over his jealousy you might have to reconsider your relationship with him.

ShoutyHamster · 28/04/2011 10:52

No, absolute line in the sand here.

He has no right at all to attempt to interfere in your daughter's relationship with her father and if he does, he is showing what a poor idea of the importance of parental love HE has. Not good.

However, within your OWN relationship (which includes his position as stepdad to your daughter), his unhappiness can certainly be worked through and acknowledged and you can make it clear that you can and will help with that. You two are a team and it's by working together as the parents of your own home that you will show the best example to the children. He wants to read texts - great. Ask for his opinion on composing the replies, make it clear that your ex is something you put your heads together on and deal with, without stress, as a family. Your ex is no longer a personal person to you, so that is all fine and good. You do not care nor have any need to have a one-on-one relationship with him. But make it clear that the one thing which ISN'T up for discussion is any attempt to interfere with him AND DD.

Note this is only applicable if what you said is true - that you have, however unwittingly, made this a bit hard for him and that his feelings are, to you, genuine. If this is just a symptom of a much wider problem of general controlling behaviour - totally different!

bubblecoral · 28/04/2011 10:54

I think you (and other posters) are being a bit harsh to your dh.

Lots of people have a jealous streak, it doesn't make them bad people.

He does just have to get used to the fact that your dd's Dad will be part of your lives though. That doesn't man he has to like it, just that he has to graciously accept it.

At first, my dh didn't really like the fact that there was always going to be another man that is a big part of our lives, but ex and I get on very well and completely co parent, so he has had to like or lump it. But it would have been wrong of me to completely ignore his feelings, or somehow think he was being controlling just because he would have preferred our little family to be just ours. If your dh is good in plenty of other ways, I would cut him some slack. No one is perfect. I'd rather have a husband that was jealous occasionally rather than one that didn't care.

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 28/04/2011 10:55

YHIBVVVVVVVVVVU

Your dd deserves a good relationship with her dad. Your 'D'H needs to grow up. squeakytoy is right, you have to stop pandering to his behaviour, doing so will only make it worse.

QuelleLeJeff · 28/04/2011 10:57

Uh, yeah bubblecoral, apart from the fact the the OP has said that aside from this her H "can be controlling"

You might think it's ok to pander to a controlling, jealous man; but most of us here would rather be in a normal, healthy relationship with our partners - and ex partners if they are the father of our children.

Honestly, sometimes I despair.

fuzzywuzzy · 28/04/2011 10:58

He reads your text messages?

Expects blow by blow detail of any conversation you have had?

He's very jealous of just ex or any male who happens to glance in your general direction?

I was trapped with a guy like that, he's now an ex. Unfortunately he's still in our lives too as we have children together.

Your husband needs to grow up, of course your ex will always be a part of your life, he's the father of your child, now you can both choose to make that a positive thing or a negative relationship. It's down to you.

It's actually nice to hear of an amicable arrangement with ex's, its healthy for the chidlren, I so wish my children could benefit form similar!

Ephiny · 28/04/2011 10:59

He's being very unreasonable. It's not for him to say whether and when your daughter can see her own father.

Maybe it's harsh but I find jealousy in adults one of the most unattractive traits a person can have, really don't like it at all.

Bogeyface · 28/04/2011 10:59

If he needs constant reassurance then that is his problem not yours!

And it certainly isnt your fault that he feels like this about your ex, I am suspect he has always had this jealous streak and would be like this no matter who he was with.

Original poster
goatshavestrangeeyes · 28/04/2011 11:02

It is causing a huge rift in our realtionship and tbh i'm not sure how much of it i can actually put up with.

I understand that i was probably being naive to think we could all get along together, but as the ex hasn't actually done anything horrible to me i don't see why i should be a bitch to him just for dh's sake. Especially if it keeps things the way they are between dd and her dad. I do have contact with the ex, mainly through text as i do find it a bit awkward to speak to him by phone or face to face now, probably through fear of backlash. At one point dh was doing all the contacting and for him this was working out fine but it really wasn't practical in the long run.

I think because me and the ex were together 7 years and dh had never had a long term relationship before me, thats what he struggles to get his head around. Dh obviously has some issues which i have tried as best as i can to resolve but i'm not sure what else i can do. He obviously thinks i am going to cheat or go back to my ex (which i can't blame him for as my ex and i had that kind of realtionship where we would always split up and get back together, and i had cheated on my ex in the past...wow i sound great hey!)

He once also told my dd that the ex wasn't her dad Angry

.....actually now i think about it my dh isn't that nice! And he wonders why i'be been cold and distant? Guess i never realised til i actually thought about it and wrote it all down. sigh

OP posts:
therealmrsbeckham · 28/04/2011 11:03

Totally disagree bubblecoral - when you have a blended family 'your little family' is never just yours and any adult getting into a relationship with somebody with children should be grown up enough to accept this.

The most important person in this situation is the OP's DD and her feelings/needs should take priority of some jealous/controlling 'adult' FGS

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 28/04/2011 11:06

Yes it does make them bad people, actually, reading someones texts and trying to stop his stepchild seeing their father. It makes them a Very Bad Person.

therealmrsbeckham · 28/04/2011 11:09

Bloody hell Goat I could have written this last post of yours a few years back. He told your DD that ex wasn't her dad!! WTF Angry

Keep up a good relationship with your ex for your DD's sake she will thank you for this in later years. My DD loves the fact that we invite her dad and his family to her birthday parties etc and get along well - wouldn'thave been able to do this when exH around but my DP is thankfully much more mature.

I would sit down and think long and hard about what you and DD are getting from your relationship with your H

Bogeyface · 28/04/2011 11:09

Well you might have found a bit of sympathy for him when you said that he hadnt had a long term relationship before, they do take some getting used to.

But to tell your DD that your ex isnt her dad? That is LOW, that is so low and shitty I am surprised you are still giving the tosser house room Angry

He had better hope your ex doesnt find out what he said! Sensible head says you need counselling for him to deal with his issues. Angry emotional head says kick the fucker to the kerb!

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