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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

....to think my dh is being a knob?

90 replies

goatshavestrangeeyes · 28/04/2011 10:15

Cut a long story short he is very very jealous of my ex. This is for many reasons and some of it my fault Sad

I have a dd with the ex who she sees once maybe twice a week as we have recently moved 5 mins up the road from him (dh's idea, i was a bit unsure about it at the time but i thought it was working out just fine)

Now my dh has decided this is enough and that i shouldn't be letting him see her that often, or if i have a problem with childcare then i shouldn't be asking the ex to have dd etc. He says he can't understand why i would want the ex and dd to have a close realtionship as when i first met him the ex wasn't on the scene and thats how he thought it was going it to stay?

No i do see his point but is hbu? or is it just him being silly over a bit of jealousy?

OP posts:
QuelleLeJeff · 28/04/2011 11:09

He told your dd that her dad wasn't her dad?

He is not an arsehole, he is a cunt. And that's proper swearing.

squeakytoy · 28/04/2011 11:10

At one point dh was doing all the contacting and for him this was working out fine but it really wasn't practical in the long run.

eeek... that IS too controlling..

He once also told my dd that the ex wasn't her dad

Complete twat.

I think you are right to be questioning your relationship to be honest. It doesnt sound healthy at all, and especially not for your daughter either.

goatshavestrangeeyes · 28/04/2011 11:15

But i do very very much love this man and i have been trying not to give in to his silly little whims. I have tried to be strong about it all and explain my point of view without backing down but he is actually the most argumentative person i have ever met in my life and is very good at twisting it all round to make it all out to be my fault!

He says it is mainly to do with the fact that he is not dd's father. I said there is nothing i can do to change this and he said he only started a realtionship with me because he thought dd's dad was out of the picture and he could take on that role.

Yes he reads all of my text messages which i am perfectly fine with becasue i know i'm not doing anything wrong or saying things i shouldn't be. These are mostly about which times to pick dd up etc nothing personal and all about dd. He has a thing about me texting when either he's at work or i'm at work, mostly this is unavoidable but he seems to think i do it on purpose to try and hide something from him - completely not true.

And yes, he doesn't like me talking to any males or being nice to anybody in general (i told him tough, i work in customer servies and being nice is just who i am!)

Anyway it all came to a head last night and now he thinks i should be restricting dd from seeing her dad as much, this is somethingi said i didn't agree with and he didn't like it. Will have to sit down with him tonight and discuss it all properly.

Thankyou all for your advice, it has been most apprecaited.

OP posts:
pjmama · 28/04/2011 11:16

What squeaky said.

What he said to your DD regarding her father absolutely beggars belief. That is the action of a spiteful child, not a responsible adult and parent. If I were you I'd be thinking long and hard, this isn't going to go away and will probably get worse rather than better.

goatshavestrangeeyes · 28/04/2011 11:22

Oh he texted my ex to tell him he wasn't her dad either, from my phone btw! Ex just ignored it and told me he knew it was him being a dick. They do not have very high opinions of eachother, can you tell?!

I do think i need to have a long think about it all as i have been having doubts about our realtionship and i think he knows this too hence his behaviour getting worse.

OP posts:
jeckadeck · 28/04/2011 11:25

He is being a knob. Your dd's relationship with her father is none of his business and should be absolutely non negotiable for anyone, let alone him. Him being jealous of the ex is understandable, trying to impose that on your child's relationship with her father is immature and highly destructive. Regardless of whether or not you are to blame in making him jealous. Just not relevant at all to this situation. Tell him this is the way things are and he can like it or lump it.

Stopthenonsense · 28/04/2011 11:26

I never thought I'd say this but,

Leave him.

QuelleLeJeff · 28/04/2011 11:27

Listen.

The person who you marry and who loves you is supposed to make your life better for having them in it. Not worse.

He is behaving in an absolutely disgusting way WRT to your daughter - who is a little girl who loves her daddy - and all I can say is that it would be a total deal breaker for me. Sad

Bogeyface · 28/04/2011 11:31

This is sounding worse and worse!

He doesnt like you speaking to any man other than him
Doesnt like you being friendly to ANYONE
Doesnt like you being in contact with someone if he is not there
Tells lies to your DD about her father and insults the father at the same time
Reads your texts to check up on you
Makes accusations about who you are in touch with
Want to be the sole male in your DDs life as well as yours

The man is an out and out control freak! He is not only trying to run your life but your dds aswell. You can choose to allow him to do that to you but you have no right to allow him to do it to your dd. If I was your ex I would be looking into whether she is in a safe and happy enviroment and whether she should be living away from this man. You need to think about that, your ex could go to court for custody based on what your DH is doing.

you might "very much love him" but how many abused women say that about the men that are abusing them? "He is wonderful when he isnt shouting/hitting me/accusing me....." . He is abusing you and your DD, what he said to her is emotional abuse and as I said, your ex could use that as way to get custody. Is this freakshow really worth potentially losing your DD for?!

squeakytoy · 28/04/2011 11:32

Yes he reads all of my text messages which i am perfectly fine with

But you SHOULDNT be fine with that. You are entitled to privacy. I have been married ten years and dont go through my husbands phone, nor does he go through mine.

He left it here today went he went to work. I didnt even realise until it rang. It wouldnt occur to me to look through it.

he said he only started a realtionship with me because he thought dd's dad was out of the picture and he could take on that role

he thinks i should be restricting dd from seeing her dad as much, this is somethingi said i didn't agree with and he didn't like it

He has got very major issues here, and I would say it is going to be very difficult to get him to rethink his behaviour.

Did you allow him to think that he was going to take on the role, simply because at that time you didnt expect her father to come back on the scene? That may partly explain why he feels his nose is a bit out of joint now but it doesnt mean it excuses his behaviour, nor was it your fault, because at that time, that is how you expected things to pan out I suspect.

Things change though, and it would always have been a possibility that at some point her dad would be back in her life. He cant be airbrushed out of your, or her, past, and nor should he be.

Now that he has a child of your own, he should be able to be more understanding of the complexity of raising a child and how he might feel if you split up and your next bloke wants to erase him out of his sons life. Explain to him that you would never allow that to happen, (I would also say if he isnt careful he might be in that position of being the ex if he continues to be jealous and controlling).

Ormirian · 28/04/2011 11:32

You are right. He is being a knob.

He doesn't own you or your DD. Twat! Angry

goatshavestrangeeyes · 28/04/2011 11:33

Quelle, you are absolutely right. But we have a ds together and as sad as it sounds i already have one child who only sees her dad at the weekend i'm sure i want that for ds too.

I know he would make my life unbearable and atm i'm not sure i am strong enough in myself to deal with that and dc's at the same time. I have only just got over pnd after ds nearly died at birth (thas another story!) and i have just lost my mother. Maybe one day i will be able to but right now, i'm sorry no.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 28/04/2011 11:37

You are allowing him to abuse your dd.

QuelleLeJeff · 28/04/2011 11:37

OK, so you're not ready to leave him at the moment. I can understand that and I am so sorry that you have been having such a hard time recently.

I'm finding it really hard to advise you anything other than get away from him - I am worried that if you confront him and put your foot down that he may become violent (he really is running according to a well worn script)

uh, maybe get this thread moved to Relationships?

goatshavestrangeeyes · 28/04/2011 11:40

Yeah, thats what i'm afraid of too.

Think i will move it. Thanks

OP posts:
bubblecoral · 28/04/2011 11:42

Ok, with the extra info you've added, even I don't think this is in any way good. Your dh has gone way beyond a little understandable insecurity, which is what I thought we were talking about when I first posted.

It sounds like you have had a really hard time recently, so it's not surprising if you don't feel strong enough to leave him right now. But perhaps you should begin to think about what life could be like without him, and begin to try to get your head round going it alone.

Bogeyface · 28/04/2011 11:43

OP, has he ever shown any inclination towards violence?

How does his controlling nature and jealousy manifest apart from in what you have said? Does he shout alot? Demand sex when you dont want to etc?

QuelleLeJeff · 28/04/2011 11:44

If you are fearing him then PLEASE call Women's Aid Website here for you

Please, please, please, please, please.

Diggs · 28/04/2011 11:45

I think you need to read all you can about emotional abuse and get some support , whether you are willing to come away or not , this will get a lot worse yet . I recomend " Living with the dominater " .

Also ensure you clear your history on your pc , men who snoop like this will snoop in other ways too .

GloriaSmut · 28/04/2011 11:48

I've written before about the Kaptain Krap Years that me and my dcs endured with the man who was their disastrous stepfather and every time I see a post that includes some of the nonsense we put up with I want to say one thing. Run for the Hills!!! Because things won't get better without some sort of personality transplant.

Anyone who cannot understand the importance of the parent/child relationship is an arsehole of the highest order. A sensible person is NOT threatened by the existence of former partners and if there are children from these previous relationships, contact needs to be encouraged. It is certainly unforgivable to lie to a child about who their father is. So unless you are getting an awful lot from this relationship - and it doesn't sound as if you are - I think you might be a lot happier without this insecure, controlling man.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Bogeyface · 28/04/2011 11:49

Diggs makes a good point. Also check for any installed programs that you dont recognise. A woman I used to know til she had to run for her life found a key logger installed on her laptop so her then H could read everything she had written.

You need to take this seriously, this man is a threat to you and your DD.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/04/2011 11:49

OP, please stop telling yourself that you are at fault in all this. This idea is not based in reality but is due to ... he is actually the most argumentative person i have ever met in my life and is very good at twisting it all round to make it all out to be my fault. Your DH is manipulating your feelings about yourself.

Your relationship with your ex sounds adult and sensible, putting your DD before yourselves.

Your relationship with your H sounds troubled and in urgent need of reassessment.

Diggs · 28/04/2011 11:50

Yep Bogeyface , that happened to me too .

AllOverIt · 28/04/2011 11:52

I can understand you not wanting to rock the boat when you've been through so much emotional turmoil recently.

I agree with bubblecoral, start to get your head around the fact that it might all be a bit easier to cope with if you were going it alone. You can't stay with someone long term because of how hellish they'd behave if you left....

Bogeyface · 28/04/2011 12:04

Diggs, I am wondering if you are the woman I used to know now! She doesnt keep in touch with anyone from her old life, including most family for fear he will find her. If that is you then someone from your old life hopes you are ok and doing well.

And if it isnt you, well I hope you are ok and doing well anyway :)

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