Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

....to think my dh is being a knob?

90 replies

goatshavestrangeeyes · 28/04/2011 10:15

Cut a long story short he is very very jealous of my ex. This is for many reasons and some of it my fault Sad

I have a dd with the ex who she sees once maybe twice a week as we have recently moved 5 mins up the road from him (dh's idea, i was a bit unsure about it at the time but i thought it was working out just fine)

Now my dh has decided this is enough and that i shouldn't be letting him see her that often, or if i have a problem with childcare then i shouldn't be asking the ex to have dd etc. He says he can't understand why i would want the ex and dd to have a close realtionship as when i first met him the ex wasn't on the scene and thats how he thought it was going it to stay?

No i do see his point but is hbu? or is it just him being silly over a bit of jealousy?

OP posts:
therealmrsbeckham · 28/04/2011 15:56

Goats - don't stay with him just becauseyou've got DS together. I have DD from previous relationship and DS from exH. It's not the way I planned but we're a lot better off than we would have been if i'd stayed with exH and my DC are happy. Your H sounds very similar to my exH and that's not a good environment for you or your DC to be in.

BTW don't underestimate the damage that this man is doing to your DD.

Original poster
goatshavestrangeeyes · 28/04/2011 16:31

Don't worry i had already thought about deleting the history from the pc as he does check it now and again, it used to be everytime i was out of the room but he has stopped being so obsessed with it (although once he made sure all my msn conversations were saved somewhere else so he could read them, he's very good with computers!) he knows all my passwords to everything anyway, just REALLY REALLY hope he doesn't find this!!

I have seriously been thinking about leaving him for the past few weeks. He is VERY shouty, had my dd in tears lots of times and the last time she saw ex she told him H had frightened her for shouting at me Sad i beg him to stop but he just says he doesn't care and that i've wound him up to make him like it.

I do fear he will be violent towards me, he gets right up in my face and bares his teeth at me like a dog when he's shouting and has gone to hit me several times. Once he actually got me but said it was by accident and that he didn't know i was there (i was lying down in bed, said he meant to hit the pillow)

I know i need to get out of this and i hope eventually i will. He has made it very clear that he will not leave me alone if i leave him. He knows i cannot afford the house on my own, he says he will take the car as it is in his name (although when we got together he had no car as he had been banned for drink driving, i sold my car in order to pay for the new one) we have a joint bank account although i do have a separate one of my own with a bit of savings in it.

I know it won't be easy as i don't really have anybody else i can turn to, the only family i have are his family and they won't want to know me if i leave him and take his child away. I don't really want them knowing the ins and outs of my relationship either.

Thanks very much for the advice, most appreciated.

OP posts:
QuelleLeJeff · 28/04/2011 16:38

No.

I'm sorry sweetheart, but...no.

You've got to go and you've got to do it soon before he starts really beating you and possibly your poor little girl too.

Ring Women's Aid please. Do it today.

CareyFakes · 28/04/2011 16:54

I'm with Quelle, if you really feel strong enough, ring Women's Aid. They can put things in place for you, ensure you and your childrens safety, which is paramount.

If you don't feel strong enough, try and build up the courage and self worth, you are worth more than this, you are not at fault, he is the one with the issue and is trying to shift the blame on to you. Please get out asap, you and your children deserve better.

AllOverIt · 28/04/2011 17:23

Ring Women's Aid. This man is abusive and not good for you, or your children.

Bogeyface · 28/04/2011 17:33

I think you need to consider allowing your DD to live with her father full time. Atleast until you are free of this man.

He is abusing her. She is a little 6 year old girl and a grown man is bullying her, lying to her, frightening her and hurting her.

Whatever you feel YOU can put up with, you have absolutely no right to force her to put up with abuse. By not doing everything you can to keep her safe you are complicit in her abuse.

I am sorry to be blunt but thats how it is and if you refuse to get her to safety then you are no better than your husband.

otisdriftwood · 28/04/2011 18:55

I think I agree with bogeyface...if he had told my dd my ex wasn't her father, that would have been it i'm afraid.

I think bogeyface makes some very good points

farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 28/04/2011 19:04

I only had to read the first post to feel furious on your and your dd's behalf.

Hows about your ex starts telling you when you can and can't have your dd and also having her and then paying for someone to come and look after her when you desperately want to be with her because you don't live with her full time?

Your DP is fucking idiot and he would be on his way to Dumpsville by now if I were in this situation. I know this because I dumped someone on the spot who I had been seeing for a few months and really liked a lot who made the comment that "you might have to start making serious decisions in the future about your dc's and them seeing their Dad", this because I had told him ex was being a bit difficult now that I was seeing someone else.

Your dd's relationship has absolutely fuck all to do with him. Sorry but its true. How about your ex gets a new girlfriend and she starts shouting the odds about when and how YOU can see your dd? Because its the same, exact thing.

farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 28/04/2011 19:15

Have you any family you can go to? Screw the car and everything else, this is an awful situation. He says he didnt realise you were there when he hit you? Let me tell you something, he knew exactly where you were and what he was doing because this is how it all starts, with accidently shoving and barging. I promise you that. They start off gently to see how far they can go. You should have walked out then, but how could you have known, none of us do. My ex used to walk extra fast with the buggy when we were lifting it down stairs with dd in it, I was at the bottom so he was in effect, shoving me down the stairs using the buggy but hey he "didnt realise" so what was I so upset about? It was an accident!

Its standard, maybe an idea to post in Relationships you will get great support and advice there.

Bogeyface · 28/04/2011 19:17

Farkthat....dont forget "you saw what I was doing, you should have moved"
"You wound me up so much that I was going to hit the wall, it isnt my fault you got in the way" shall I go on?

Xales · 28/04/2011 19:34

You are in an abusive relationship. I will bet you didn't actually do anything that makes it your fault that is what he has made you believe.

Can you ask your ex for help? Even if it is leaving DD with him for a couple of weeks so you can get out of there.

Of course he meant to hit you. First he several times raised his fist to hit you. Then he 'didn't realise you were there', do you honestly think he didn't? Next time it won't be one 'accidental' fist it will be a few.

The longer you stay the longer your DD grows up to think this is how woman should be treated and will use it as a base for her own relationships. Is this what you want for her?

The longer you stay the more your DS will grow up to think this is how he should treat women and you may end up creating another man with this attitude. Is that what you want for him?

I accept it is not as easy as we make out to say just go. Promise yourself and your children that you will make plans and get out of there as soon as is feasible.

Kizzylou71 · 28/04/2011 19:45

Any guy that reduces a 6 year old to tears is so not worth it, for her sake and that of your DS, please get out now!!

Original poster
goatshavestrangeeyes · 28/04/2011 20:48

Well omfg it has all blown up tonight

He has left. I am gettin a barrage of abuse via text message but choosing not to let it bother me. All becasue he got shitty when he couldn't light the bbq for tea Sad

Says its because i won't stop talking to my ex and that must mean i still love him and want to be with him. When infact am just trying to be amicable fo dd's sake. He said him or me so i replied i'm not going to stop dd seeing ex just becasue of you. According to him that justifies his feelings becasue i'm putting exex feelings before his?? I'm not i just care about my dd.

Thanks ladies, i'm quite new to this how do i get the thread moved?

OP posts:
peggotty · 28/04/2011 20:58

A bump for you. I think you can email MNHQ via the link at the very bottom of the page and request your thread gets moved tp Relationships. I am bumping in the hope that someone more experienced than me can offer you some advice - has he just stormed out for the evening, or has he properly packed a bag and left?

Xales · 28/04/2011 20:59

On the pale blue bar above your message click report and ask them to move the thread.

Then please phone the police on the non emergency line. Explain that your H has hit you before, has stormed off angry tonight is sending abusive texts and you would like them to make a note incase you have to dial 999 in case he assaults you later!

Can I just say good for you for putting your DD first. It may make you feel really rotten and like you can't win but your DD will know and love you for being a fantastic mummy. /hugs

therealmrsbeckham · 28/04/2011 21:02

Are you and DC ok?

Well done for putting you DD 1st. Your ex will always be in your life because you share DD - this man will never accept that and things will escalate.

Do you know where he's gone? Has he got his key?

Now would be the perfect time to ring 'womens aid' Start making plans to get out.

therealmrsbeckham · 28/04/2011 21:03

2nd xales advice to ring non emergency line.

Original poster
goatshavestrangeeyes · 28/04/2011 21:16

He has just stormed out. Usual crap saying he's going to kill himself and that he feels like dying. Would normally pander to it but chose to ignore, said he's a selfish prick if he wants to do that.

He knew something was up as i text him at work and said we needed to talk, i wanted to talk about the kids but he turned it into a conversation argument about the ex.

Have asked mn if they will move thread for me so hopefully they will.

Yes you are all rigt, this will never change becasue he will never accept ex in our lives. He would want me to act like the guy never existed and to me that just isn't a practical idea esp if he's looking after dd! He even admitted he can't accept it, but says its my feelings for ex (there are none, all in his head) is the reason why he acts like he does. Says i provoke him into an argument and make him aggressive so i can use it as an excuse to leave him or justify my own feelings.

I will try and research as much as i can on the net tonight while he is gone because i know he will be back eventually, he has keys

OP posts:
Original poster
goatshavestrangeeyes · 28/04/2011 21:20

Another problem is i have to be at work at 9am tomorrow, don't want to phone in and explain becasue don't want others knowing my business just now til i sort everything out. But he has the car and will prob make it difficult for me to get to work or find childcare for dc's. HMPH

OP posts:
QuelleLeJeff · 28/04/2011 21:21

Hey goats. I have reported to MNHQ so it should be moved soon.

Please do as Xales suggested and place a call to the police.

Ignore what he is saying about you provoking him to violence, it's such bullshit. This twisting of reality is a classic move of abusive men.

I'm going to push Womens Aid at you again. Please call them, they can advise you on next steps and will help you.

QuelleLeJeff · 28/04/2011 21:22

Don't worry about work, you have bigger fish to fry. Just call in sick, I find sickness and diarrhoea is a good one.

Original poster
goatshavestrangeeyes · 28/04/2011 21:26

Yeah i completely agree. Thanks again. Will look into it all as much as i can. Bit scared he will come barging in the door as i'm doing it so keep looking out the window Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
goatshavestrangeeyes · 28/04/2011 21:27

okay he's back. here goes

OP posts:
QuelleLeJeff · 28/04/2011 21:31

Can you lock the doors? You need to make that call to the police and NOW.

Don't be embarrassed, this is HIS shame, that he has frightened you to this extent. Fucking wanker.

If I were you I'd get a bag packed. There is a great list on the WA site (I think) things like passports, kids health books, nappies, set of clothes etc etc.

You might have to leave quickly, might as well get prepared while he is out. I know this is scary. Will rally some troops to come and help and hold your hand.

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 28/04/2011 21:38

It's not your fault. He is responsible for his own behaviour.

Contact your local police and contact Women's Aid. They can give you help and advice.