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Original poster

Do I confess?

128 replies

cathkidstonbag · 28/04/2011 04:06

have finally managed to break free from an EA with someone I know realise has NPD. It has gone on for 5 months and whilst we've never met (since last seeing him 10 years ago) it has been very intense. Very intimate discussions and exchanging of photos etc. I am horribly ashamed of what I have done and really can't even see why I was so stupid, all I can say is he played me so well - one minute bombarding me with texts, the next ignoring me for some supposed slight. I never knew where I was and think I became somewhat addicted to the thrill of it - so stupid :(
Should I confess to my DH of 21 years? Our marriage has been somewhat rocky but lately seems to be going so well. I know it would destroy him, he would never forgive me. But the guilt is burning inside me night and day, I hate what I've done, hate the way I've behaved.
I think I'm safe from OM ever telling my DH but I can't be sure, he has shown himself to be nothing like who I thought he was and even though he is also married he is already seeing someone else.
So is keeping quiet the best way? Or confess and the inevitable divorce and it's impact on my 3 dc? And yes I know I should have thought about them when I was doing this :(

OP posts:
EXlovely · 28/04/2011 06:31

Your do not need to confess. Trust me when I tell you that your husband has been with you a long time and would be blind not to notice the warning signs!

In confessing you may open up a can of worms?

What do you suppose confessing will do to your marriage? Unless you want to address issues as to why this happened in the first place?!

Trust will be lost, faith in you will go.

Are you prepared for the backlash from your husband?

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 28/04/2011 06:38

I think my DH realised something was going on with hindsight. My behaviour was probably different. I wonder if that's why he has become so attentive to me, maybe felt he was losing me? That makes me feel worse.
I think I know I have to keep quiet, telling would ruin everything. And I guess I deserve the guilt but every time I look at my DH I feel such shame, I've never known such a horrible feeling. I've never told lies before and I've spent months living a lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 28/04/2011 06:42

No I don't think I would be able to handle the backlash. I think DH would tell everyone what I'd done and make my life very miserable indeed. To him it would be as bad a betrayal as a physical affair. But I deserve to be unhappy, I did something very wrong. I just thought OM was in love with me and I fell for him big time.

OP posts:
Gooseberrybushes · 28/04/2011 07:04

I don't see how confession is going to change anything for the better. You feel like crap, you recognise the harm, you will adjust your behaviour to "make up". It would ruin his life. It might stop you burning up inside but it would make things worse outside for you, your children, both your families and for him. You need to make up for it without him knowing! Somehow. That bloke sounds horrible. You must have gone off your head for a bit. I would look at yourself and try to work out what made you do it, and change that.

Gooseberrybushes · 28/04/2011 07:06

I mean to say, everybody's human, good people do bad things. You're lucky you didn't see him, I bet you wouldn't have been able to resist. Your punishment is this terrible guilt. Don't inflict the burden on him to relieve yourself.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 28/04/2011 07:12

I know what made me do it. My marriage was in a bad patch and slowly falling apart and OM showered me with compliments, told me how attractive I was. Something DH hadn't told me for years. He acted like he was besotted with me, like I was what he'd wanted for years. I know now it was all lies but to be told all that when my marriage was so lonely ... I just wanted it so badly.
It's a crap excuse though isn't it. I should have been stronger, should have realised I'm not the type of woman who inspires that kind of thing in men, he just used me. I hurt so much from realising that too. I thought it was the real thing!

OP posts:
seachange · 28/04/2011 07:24

Well, it looks like you got what you wanted. You don't want to confess, and now you have people on here confirming/affirming your reticence.

You haven't shown any honesty, decency or respect for your H so far, so why would you want to start now?

I would say one thing. Statistically, marriages have the best chance of recovering from affairs when the "betrayed partner" finds out because the "involved partner" confesses, out of remorse, guilt, sorrow or what have you. It is much harder to come back from if your H finds out another way, which in all likelihood he will. Have you 100% covered your tracks? Is there no possibility of stray texts, emails, photos whatever?

Also if your H has responded to his suspicions by drawing closer to you, surely that is a good sign, that he doesn't want to lose you, so might not resond by an instant divorce.

Although of course I'm wasting my breath. Like all the other OPs who post "should I shouldn't I tell?" the end result is always the same. Feel free to ignore, there'll be plenty more posters along in a minute to tell you it would be better NOT to be honest or truthful. Why break the habit of the last few months? Hmm

Oh yes, it would be much better for the children for them to be raised in a marriage with no honesty or respect. It's much better to teach them they can behave however they like, with no thought for others, and then try and cover up and get away with it as best they can.

ExpatAgain · 28/04/2011 07:34

god, completely disagree! No way should you confess - this is NOT behaving shoddily/dishonestly etc etc, this is accepting that none of us is perfect, you made a (non-physical) mistake and there is nothing to be gained from "confessing" at this point in time, believe me, I've been there.

seachange · 28/04/2011 07:46

See? Rest easy OP, by the MN code of conduct you're fine, and will not have to do anything remotely hard or uncomfortable-making. You get to tell yourself that it's telling the TRUTH that will risk your marriage, rather than anything else that's gone before.

Nice one MN.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 28/04/2011 07:48

No actually seachange I haven't made up my mind not to. You have valid points and I can see that in some ways a clean slate would be a good idea. But is ruining my family's life in the process the best thing to do? I don't know if I would feel better that way or worse.
And I have deleted every trace from my side, nothing has been left. But I don't know if OM has done the same or is keeping everything. I don't think he wants to risk his marriage and I have to say if he deliberately destroyed mine I would find it very difficult not to do the same to him, which I'm sure he realises. But it's the thought that years from now he could do that, it's a terrifying thought :(

OP posts:
ExpatAgain · 28/04/2011 07:48

oh fgs, we're all just giving our opinion, including you! We don't know the op or her dh..There is no MN code of conduct, just a range of views such as on this thread..I don't think it helps to be beating up on her quite so much

ExpatAgain · 28/04/2011 07:50

sorry,that was to seachange

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 28/04/2011 07:51

And yes it would be instant divorce, he has very strict lines about infidelity, which I shared up till the point I started behaving like this. There would be no chance of us staying together.

OP posts:
seachange · 28/04/2011 07:57

Expat, you'll notice if you read these kinds of threads very often that the majority of posters will tell the OP that the best thing to do is keep quiet. See what happens on this one. That's what I mean by a code of conduct. My posts might come across as "beating up on" the OP, but it really pisses me off. Not the question, although being honest with your H IMO shouldn't ever be a question. But the way everyone else thinks it's fine to keep lying, to keep treating the H with as little love and respect as the OP did in the first place by having the affair. That's why it reads more strongly than it might otherwise, if this was the first thread like this I'd ever read.

seachange · 28/04/2011 08:09

OMG, you can't know that. If your H is strict about infidelity, he might also feel strongly about the importance of marriage, about not giving up at the first signs of trouble, about getting through it for better or for worse.

Of course your H might want to end the marriage, that would be one response in the face of you breaking your wedding vows. But he might not, in which case you could go on to build a stronger, better relationship. What do you think it will be like for you worrying about this for the next X years? Do you really think you will be able to supress the guilt and give your H a satisfactory relationship?

One poster had an affair years ago, didn't tell her H, but the ensuing problems and distancing in their marriage were then a contributing factor in HIS subsequent affair.

Yes it's hard, yes it's risky, but that will never make me think that lying, even lying by omission, is ok.

Malificence · 28/04/2011 08:10

It always saddens me to see so many people who don't value honesty and respect above all else in their relationships.
By not telling him, you remove all his choices, you were the one who did this - instead of working on your marriage you chose to enter into a fantasy online relationship.
We all go through "bad patches" in long marriages, it's how we reslove them that defines the kind of person we truly are , your husband has the right to know who you really are, thne he can decide whether your marriage is worth saving.
All this "your guilt is your punishment" is bullshit and is the get out clause for selfish and weak people.
Is your marriage based on truth and respect OP?

NotQuiteCockney · 28/04/2011 08:16

By not telling him, you continue to lie to him. You continue to keep things hidden - which keeps you further apart from each other.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 28/04/2011 08:18

I don't think our marriage would be stronger if I told him. I would destroy him, his life, his trust in me. It would destroy his elderly parents too.
My gut feeling is to confess but to shatter his life and my family and close friends too is so hard to do.
I know what I've done is terrible, feel free to tell me that but nobody can make me feel worse about myself than I do right now. Last weekend I considered leaving my family, just disappearing so they never had to know what kind if person I am. But I can't leave my children, I adore them and can't believe I risked my babies happiness for something so sordid.

OP posts:
seachange · 28/04/2011 08:30

OMG, telling him is not what would destroy him! Your actions have already done that. That's twisted logic. Telling him is the only way you can hope to break the cycle of deceit and betrayal, and start again. Telling him is the only way you can hope to salvage anything. What are your options? A) live a lie? B) he finds out another way? Your guilt is not "punishment" ( Hmm ) it's what will stop the two of you being able to have a proper relationship.

zikes · 28/04/2011 08:36

I don't know, but would he totally see an online flirtation as an affair? Maybe I'm minimising it, and maybe that's not right either, but some people view only actual sex as infidelity. Maybe your dh could get past this?

seachange · 28/04/2011 08:47

I was also think that zikes. In a horribly sweeping generalisation type way, apparently men are more devastated at their partners having physical affairs, and women by emotional ones. Both are bad of course, both lead to devastation, but maybe you needn't think this is something your H definitely couldn't get over.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 28/04/2011 08:56

A few years ago we were watching a film and in it there was an online affair going on and DH said to me at the time how that was worse in his eyes than a one night stand. So I do know this is a dealbreaker to him. No question about that.
There would be no way back from this. Yes I should have thought about the consequences, I didn't. Stupidly I thought it was all hearts and flowers and soulmates.

OP posts:
zikes · 28/04/2011 09:02

It's one thing to say that and have theories about how you'd react to a partner's affair, quite another when actually faced with it.

But you know him, of course.

AlistairSimnelcake · 28/04/2011 09:14

I think it's your husband's choice to decide whether or not the marriage is worth saving and to do that he needs to know the truth.
I think if you love and respect him, you will tell him.

AprilRose · 28/04/2011 09:17

Would you want to know if it were your DH who had had the affair? IMO it's that simple; if you would rather he kept it to himself then you have some grounds for doing likewise.

Also, jumping presumptively ahead here - never stay together just for the kids. My parents split up when I was 16, but they hadn't been together for quite some time before that and it's completely skewed the way I, and my siblings, view love and relationships and all that. Obviously it would have been difficult for us if they'd split earlier, and I don't know what affect that would have had, but I just remember their attempt at protecting us really only making for a rather miserable loveless household. Just thought I'd throw that out there.