Do I confess?

[cathkidstonbag]

have finally managed to break free from an EA with someone I know realise has NPD. It has gone on for 5 months and whilst we've never met (since last seeing him 10 years ago) it has been very intense. Very intimate discussions and exchanging of photos etc. I am horribly ashamed of what I have done and really can't even see why I was so stupid, all I can say is he played me so well - one minute bombarding me with texts, the next ignoring me for some supposed slight. I never knew where I was and think I became somewhat addicted to the thrill of it - so stupid :(
Should I confess to my DH of 21 years? Our marriage has been somewhat rocky but lately seems to be going so well. I know it would destroy him, he would never forgive me. But the guilt is burning inside me night and day, I hate what I've done, hate the way I've behaved.
I think I'm safe from OM ever telling my DH but I can't be sure, he has shown himself to be nothing like who I thought he was and even though he is also married he is already seeing someone else.
So is keeping quiet the best way? Or confess and the inevitable divorce and it's impact on my 3 dc? And yes I know I should have thought about them when I was doing this :(

So difficult to feel this way and have noone to offload it onto. Although I told my friend she was a bit shocked, even though supportive and I feel it's asking too much to tell her just how sad I'm feeling :(
I am finding this weekend that I have had a few words with DH that seem to have gone in. He said this morning about how nice he's been to me this weekend and I pointed out that should be the norm, I'm always nice to him! He looked a bit shellshocked but I could kind of hear the cogs turning :) For so long I've let him "get away" with being disrespectful to me when maybe all I needed was to let him know I won't stand for it. But I never felt up to standing up for myself before, posting on here has made me realise if I don't look after me, noone else will!!!

Carry on as you are omg. It will get better.

Having read the thread a couple of times I think NOT confessing is the way to go for you right now.

I suspect your dh would use your EA as a stick to beat you with (not literally) and a way of keeping you where he wants you.

You are doing well, honestly. It will get easier. It may be that you decide to leave him but that has to be your decision when you've recovered from the fall out from your EA. Try not to mix the two up.

I wish you well and the strength to move on from this.

Well done on challenging him.

It's quite something that he thinks he deserves brownie points for treating you properly for a weekend!

I hope that you continue to stand up for yourself and stop accepting his poor treatment. You do deserve more, whether you believe that right now or not.

Barbarabar I think somehow all the guilt and pain are all merged into one big lump of awfulness at the moment. It's hard to separate the two :(
Zikes - brownie points indeed! The thing is the last month I have regarded things as so much better yet they're still pretty awful. They were rock bottom at Xmas time but as WWIFN said all of this anaethetised me to some extent and now I'm realising how bad things were/are with the whole guilt thing and sadness on top. It's a crappy combination! Still it's a new month :) Strangely I don't miss the romantic flirty bit with OM, miss the friendship. We'd chatted as friends for 18 months and we clicked the way me and my best friends do. Miss the funny witty banter so much, wish it had never progressed from there :(

Use your best friends to get you through this then. Talk to them, ask for their help/support.

I left an abusive realtionship a while back (pre dc) and one of my wonderful friends told me to phone her (day or night) whenever I thought of him and was thinking of contacting him again. It really really helped and lessened my feelings towards him. We talked about why he was an ex and why I was so fab(!) and what my relationship was doing to me.

Come on here when you feel like that OP. MN is there for you.

Thanks the thing is I don't want to burden any more if my friends with this, I trust them but it's a big secret to have to make someone else keep. The friend I told probably wouldn't have been the one I chose itms. She's quite conservative about things like this and I know this has changed her perception of me!
I don't want to confide in more friends and then if DH finds out he also finds he is the last to know - that would make things worse.
It's all beginning to seem a bit unreal now, the fact I got rid of all the evidence means I have no real reminders. I understand now how people can not tell about this kind of thing. The only way I can deal with it is to visualise putting OM in a box or behind a big wall so I can't think of him. Not sure that's best but I need to cope until I can find a counsellor.

If you don't want to tell friends about what happened, that's understandable, but do let them support you in regard to your dh, in helping you raise the bar of what you expect from him.

I think this will raise its head again Maybe not with this man but your seeking attention from someone else because of your dh's indifference.

Brilliant idea to put OM in a 'box behind a wall'. Wow, you're gifted at this sort of thing! being in a lot of pain is like labour really - one naturally finds ways to ease the pain; though I think your box/wall strategy does show presence of mind.

If you're feeling you should tell H just so you can be whipped for being bad, please don't. I really think this is not the time. Well done for giving him some things to think about though.

Im not so sure it's a good thing to be gifted at that kind of thing. It's survival though, I can't be a good parent when I'm crying all the time. It's an effort to keep pushing the lid of the box down though.
Yes I think part of me wants to be punished for what I've done.

HOpe you're still managing to control your Dobby complex OP. re Harry Potter..

Dobby complex - oh that perfectly sums it up (as a HP fan I know exactly what you mean!)
I keep hoping to feel a bit better but still feel so low. Early days I know.
I ended up telling another friend yesterday, the one I should have told in the first place. Again she had kind of guessed something was up and didn't show any surprise or shock. She was however hugely angry at OM and his behaviour, it was kind of nice to hear that as I just feel sadness about it all and keep blaming myself for what happened.
Things are still good with DH, had an awful moment last night tho where we were watching a programme and the subject of "sexy photos" came up and he was saying how odd that whole kind of thing was and I had to sit there knowing there are all these things I've done and talked about with someone else that my DH wouldn't understand and will have to hide my knowledge of it forever.

Well tbh I think it might be a good idea to have something private that is just yours, that your DH doesn't know about, control and put down. Ok, an affair may not be the ideal thing to keep to yourself iyswim but it's better than nothing.

I'm full of the analogies, but your domestic setup sounds a little bit like the stepford wives, or was. What amazed me about the human spirit, when I was in an abusive relationship, is how it almost has a mind of its own and strikes out for freedom some way or other. I think you made a bid for freedom OP, not in the way you expected, and as it turns out very painful and damaging for you - I'm sorry - but it ws a bid for freedom nonethleless.

Have you managed to set up some counselling yet?

Yes not the ideal bid for freedom, think I was a lot happier before all this. Although when things were good with OM I felt on top of the world, the best I have felt for a very very long time. Of course it was all false and wrong and at the expense of other people but it taught me that I can feel that way. I can have those kind of feelings towards someone else that if truth be told I have probably never had for my DH (only person I've ever had those with is OM many years ago!). But there might be someone else out there, if things don't work out with my DH. And I might get to feel that way again and that thought is what is keeping me going.
Not sorted out counselling yet, have had to concentrate on some physical ailments this week - all stress related unfortunately. It's on my to do list for tomorrow morning.

Oh I have really messed up now. Was doing so well but an evening with DH out and a few drinks :( and I needed to speak to om so badly. Like I said previously I miss his friendship so much (even tho it's not really that, he's just a player). I ended up requesting him as my FB friend (if only to see his photo again :() Then sent this pathetic needy whiny revoltingly nauseous in the cold light of day email. Basically saying I don't care how little contact we have, want him to be my friend, miss him (only it was way longer than that). That was Thursday evening ... and nothing :( Not even a thanks but no thanks. Not even a leave me alone you crazy b*tch.
WTH is wrong with me that I'm so desperate for any shred of affection that I'd do this :( Got my DC on my own this weekend, DH busy, and I can't function. Just want to cry all the time, I am so disappointed in myself. At least before I had my self respect, now I don't even have that.

Oh dear. Well, you know lots of people do this sort of thing after a few drinks and a break up, so chin up, it's not the end of the world. I know that's a bit crass, and you're feeling shit, sorry.

Either treat yourself to a duvet day (just one, mind ) with the kids, dvds and lots of junk food, or get out and about and don't give yourself time to think. Go cycling or for a long walk somewhere pretty, have a picnic, just focus on having a good time with the people who will always give you unpolluted affection, the kids.

Thanks Zikes. I know it's not the end of the world, its the loss of dignity I hate the most. The fact that he's probably laughing at how pathetic I am!
P-ing down with rain here, so picnic out of the question :) Don't think that's helping, had all these plans to do stuff and it's too rainy.
Kids still in their pjs (bad mum alert!!!) so must motivate myself to get them dressed at least. Onwards and upwards I know and I must stay away from the alcohol, TG he is too far away for me to be stalking him!!!

Ah, that's a bugger - rubbish weather definitely doesn't help.

Think of it as a moment of weakness: you'll have fewer and fewer of them as you put yourself back together.

Well you know what, I remembered today that I'd sent an 11-page text to someone who had broken my heart - and I had totally forgotten! Been thinking about him lately - along the lines of what on earth was that all about - when something deep in my memory gave me a prod... and I remembered the awful text.

see, you do forget. He was a shit of the highest order - so easy to lose your total perspective when involved with a player - and I now think I was the one who was completely human about it all, he was the one who was a head.

stay away from the booze, don't feel bad - of course you're grieving and the abrupt end is hard to deal with. When you get into counselling you can give it all the space it needs to get it out, talk about it till the cows come home... until it fades. It really does fade!

Thanks Springydaffs - I just wish it would hurry up and start fading! Yes I do think maybe it's worse if they are a player, they seem to mess up your head in such a way. The last time my head was messed up like this was 20 years ago ... oh yes it was him that did it then too :( Think that is part of it tbh, it's making me relive all that teenage angst.
Spoke to my friend today and told her how I feel like such a loser :( She said actually it's him that's the loser. We both did something wrong but I did it because I was falling in love with him, he did it for the cheap thrills and to mess with my head ... that made me feel a bit better. But still feeling in a dark place where nothing seems to help. I know it will take time.

It took ,me a good 2 years to get steady about that awful relationships, for it to fade sufficiently.

therapy! anyhow, any which way! You need to get to the bottom of why you went back for more, why you have put up with a shit marriage for years and years... where the Dobby complex comes from.. etc (hug)

2 years??? Oh holy crap I don't know how I'll do that :(
I know why I went back for more ... he was everything to me when I was a very unhappy teenager, I adored him, he was as emotionally screwed up then as I was and we thought it was forever. Obviously it wasn't, and then 20 years on we started speaking again. We clicked and got on so well, he knew a lot about what I'd been up to, where I'd lived, told me he'd often thought about me. He remembered everything from before, all the stuff I'd long forgotten and I fell for him all over again. The marriage and dobby complex comes from years of childhood abuse I would say. Right must remember to save all that for the counsellor!!!
Just wish I'd walked away this time with my head held high and dignity intact. Wish the last thing I'd sent had been an email telling him exactly how he's ruined my life again and how I hope he's miserable forever. But instead he gets the final bit of control :(

Does he? only if you gave it to him - you are free to send as many emails as you like, saying whatever you like. It's not a competition! Talk on here if you want to - plenty do, in conjunction with seeing a therapist where tbh the main bulk of the work is done. You can change your future by digging up the past, looking at patterns that have been destructive...

Counsellor appointment booked :) She can't see me till the end of the month but I feel like its a big step in the right direction.
Must admit to having written (but not sent) a very final angry email to him. Probably won't ever send it but made me feel better just writing it down! I keep cringing when I think of him smirking over my pathetic last one and when I think if him "using" the photos I sent him. It really sickens me to think that I let somebody have something like that of me. Still I can hardly go round and demand he deletes them so I just have to forget it. Found out today that when you send someone a FB friend request, they can then see your wall without accepting your friendship. So I guess that is what he's doing (he used to know everything I was up to by doing that). I'm not sure if there is a way to stop him doing that. Or if I just post the most fabulous statuses and photos so he can see I am not crying over him. Is that a bit childish tho??? Thankfully I haven't been on there for a few weeks so it's not like it's full of sad statuses!!!
Getting a new haircut tomorrow and my first manicure for 16 years LOL! Bought new clothes today too, it's my birthday this week and I'm determined to wave goodbye to an old me.
DH continues to improve :S but I find it difficult to be "intimate" with him without thinking of OM. Hate that and wish it would stop :(

Bravo, well done OP

Therapy will help you to turn the ocean liner round to see you have total freedom to be who you are, aren't bound to behave in response to other people or their opinions.

I'm a FB virgin [old biddy emoticon - get with the times springy ] so have no idea how it all works - hope someone can come along and shed some light on what you do to prevent him, or anyone you don't want, seeing your wall.

He's really hurt you, give yourself the space with that. It sounds like he seduced your heart, hence the unbelievable giddiness of that when you have been pretty starved of it (the good stuff) your whole life. You're not the only one, if that helps at all (hug)