Do I confess?

[cathkidstonbag]

have finally managed to break free from an EA with someone I know realise has NPD. It has gone on for 5 months and whilst we've never met (since last seeing him 10 years ago) it has been very intense. Very intimate discussions and exchanging of photos etc. I am horribly ashamed of what I have done and really can't even see why I was so stupid, all I can say is he played me so well - one minute bombarding me with texts, the next ignoring me for some supposed slight. I never knew where I was and think I became somewhat addicted to the thrill of it - so stupid :(
Should I confess to my DH of 21 years? Our marriage has been somewhat rocky but lately seems to be going so well. I know it would destroy him, he would never forgive me. But the guilt is burning inside me night and day, I hate what I've done, hate the way I've behaved.
I think I'm safe from OM ever telling my DH but I can't be sure, he has shown himself to be nothing like who I thought he was and even though he is also married he is already seeing someone else.
So is keeping quiet the best way? Or confess and the inevitable divorce and it's impact on my 3 dc? And yes I know I should have thought about them when I was doing this :(

Springydaffs - yes that's exactly it. I trusted him. I don't trust people easily, most of my friends I've had 10+ years because I find it so difficult to believe what people tell me and put faith in them. Definitely in the last 5 years I have totally shut off that side of me, whacked up a load of barriers and put a smile on 24/7. I adore my DC wholeheartedly and have friends that inwould do anything for, but romantic love I had given up on. Then along came someone who implored me to trust him and be honest with him ... so I did and I was. And I can't even explain how much that hurts. It's easier to hate him, because the alternative is hating myself. I was just so naive and desperate for every little morsel of attention. Pathetic :(

Well, sorry but no, not pathetic. If you see ourselves as having a 'love tank' (sorry if that sounds a bit cheesey) which should get filled up throughout our lives; usually the biggest infill is when we are children. If that was missing, it didn't get filled (and, horror, something horrid was put in instead), then we start off in adult life with a significant deficit. The tragedy is that we very often choose relationships that are as neglectful/abusive as our primary relationships, mainly because that's all we know. I believe we are designed to be loved and that if we aren't loved, or don't feel we are/were loved, our heart begins to play up as we crave the love that has been missing. It is no surprise to me that you chose to have an emotional affair with someone who sounds as though he probably has similar characteristics to the abusive characteristics you are used to. This is why I, and WWIFN, strongly suggest therapy, because you have learned distorted things about intimacy that need unlearning. Eg you have learned you can't possibly be loveable and this has been 'confirmed' over and over - but in fact it is a lie, it isn't accurate, but it takes a good bit of work to unearth where and how you swallowed the lie, to unpick it, and to start on a road that is closer to the truth. Which is that you are loveable and you do deserve to be loved and cherished and should expect to be treated with dignity and respect by all those close to you, those allowed in your inner circle. From what you say about this man, he tricked you, was a fake but, because your emotional antennae has been so damaged, you couldn't work out that he was a fake. As you follow in therapy the often painful journey of examining how and why your ability to attract and sustain healthy intimate relationships is damaged, you will begin to see that the signs were there from the start, only your intimacy receptors were too damaged to see it. That isn't pathetic, it's heartbreaking. I say that therapy is painful and it certainly is sometimes but nothing like the agony of damaging, abusive relationships that crush the soul like a slow death; or having our intimacy flooded by a charmer who is not motivated by love but control

Springydaffs - thank you. That all makes so much sense and yes I definitely would have started adult life with a deficit - a huge one!!!
And the signs were definitely there with OM, looking back. I have deleted every correspondence from him but know if I sat and read through them all again I would see so many red flags. But I couldn't see it then as all I felt was overwhelming happiness after years of nothingness.
Do I find a counsellor through a doctor? Or just look for one myself?

Hmm, it's a good thing other posters aren't as judgy-pants as me! I can't believe the things your H has said to you - no one should hear things like that :( Having an EA was never going to be the right thing to do, but describing your marriage in the OP as going through a rocky patch hardly covers it!

I'm so impressed with the people on here who are able to listen and tease out what is really going on - hopefully when my hurt isn't weeks old I'll be able to do the same, or at least not dive straight in!

Hope you do find a good counsellor OP, and manage to be strong and tell your H what has happened somehow, for your sake so the marriage can change, that he realises the consequences of treating your wife like dirt and pushing her away. You can make some good come out of this situation, by recognising the pattern, by working on healing yourself and not resorting to destructive/self-destructive actions. Good luck.

Seachange - in no way are you "judgy-pants" You have every right to tell me your view on a subject that's affected you. I didn't put everything in my OP because it sounds like I'm making excuses and at the end of the day I did something wrong.
I think one day I will tell my DH, but I think I need to be strong enough first. My greatest fear is not that he will leave me or throw me out, I know he won't be physically abusive. I think he will probably tell me how it proves he's right and nobody else does want me. At the moment my hurt is too great to be able to hear that.

I'm grateful for all the advice on here. It's so hard going through this. Today is one of the days where I miss OM very very much. Just keep telling myself he was a player and I wasn't important to him :(

Don't flame me anybody but I tend to think that counsellors (sp?) through a GP surgery haven't had the extensive training needed to deal with deep issues like yours OP. That's not to say you're unusual, as there are hoards of us who have had to embark on the journey of challenging the template we were presented with as children. I think you need to be in therapy for the long haul and the 6 weeks offered by GP surgeries wouldn't touch the sides tbh.

You will need a BACAP (I think it's called? British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists - somebody correct me if I've got that wrong) therapist. Do your research about their different approaches then call to make appointments with a few, using the first free session that most therapists offer. A counsellor/therapist needs to fit you personally and you need that first session to test the water to see if you can work together. It's rather like choosing a relationship ie you can't work with someone you don't gel with and are not comfortable with, regardless of their paper credentials. Ask them how long they have been practising and their areas of expertise. It is also essential that they are supervised ie have regular supervision and should already have had extensive therapy themselves. You are entrusting them with your deepest and you will need to choose carefully.

Therapy costs but imo it is an essential expense ie for a period of time you put in the investment for a better future, which is priceless. If money is genuinely tight, you can search around for therapists who offer reduced fees: ask therapists during the initial phone consultation if they offer reduced fees. Remember that this is deeply personal choice so don't cut corners or ride roughshod over any reservations you may feel at the first session or phone consultation. I have decided not to procede with a counsellor because I didn't like their voice - that is my prerogative and you don't have to spare their feelings, they know the score (though I didn't of course say I wouldn't be working with someone because I didn't like the sound of their voice!)

Some people may have had positive experiences with a NHS therapist (re psychotherapist, psychologist etc) but I have not been so lucky, have never been successful in getting a referral. I could argue that the financial investment keeps you committed and imo that is an important part of the process, that instead of spending money on gyms/beauty treatments/hols you spend it on your damaged inner life - it keeps you focused and the act of investing in yourself is itself a therapy iyswim.

Thanks springydaffs - the problem is I have no money of my own, don't work and all bills etc are paid by DH (not generally a problem but all expenditure has to be accounted for). So I will need to get his okay before I do this ... not sure he will see the need for it tbh.
When I wanted us to go to marriage counselling at beginning of year, he refused because he didn't want to spend money on something we didn't need so I would imagine this would be the same :S

well, omg that is controlling behaviour right there. You need to keep this private because he won't want you breaking free from him. I suggest you call womens aid and talk to them privately.

Get a part-time job to pay for it, that is to exclusively pay for it. He isn't your dad and you really can't be in a position where your life choices and finances are controlled by him. Yes, please look at the WA website or call (0808 2000 247) as you are very clearly in an abusive marriage.

Part time job isn't feasible until my children are at school. I don't think him deciding what to spend the money he earns on is really abusive tho :S Finances are tight at the mo and it's hard to justify spending a lot of money on something just for me (would be the same if it was hairdressers/manicures etc!).
Think I am going to see if NHS can offer me any help, if not phone counsellors to see if I can get a reduced rate and jiggle the monthly finances a bit to cover it. I know it is going to be a long job though, once I start getting all my skeletons out of the closet :(

Thing is, you are contributing to the household by working within it, rearing the children, cooking, cleaning, etc. The income coming in should not be considered automatically his, but joint: the family's.

If you have no money of your own and have to ask for everything, then you are rendered completely dependent on him and it is one of the classic controlling 'things' to do. Combined with his other behaviours, he does look abusive.

Does the child benefit go into his account as well?

Him deciding what to spend the money he earns on? Who keeps the house he enjoys, looks after his children? the fairygodmother? or the unpaid servant? Which is technically a slave OP. a slave who apparently doesn't come up to scratch and he could get a better one

As you said, why doesn't he then?

Zikes - no the child benefit goes into mine, I use it for Christmas/Birthdays. I could use some of that, hadn't thought of that thanks :)
springydaffs - the reason he doesn't go find someone better? Well even as low as I am feeling now I know the answer to that - because there isn't better. Until this whole EA business I was THE perfect wife. Pretty, slim, good cook, kept tidy house, always organised, willing to please, tried to be a really good mum too. Things have slipped a bit lately tho tbh. OM in one of his nice times told me I didn't realise how pretty and smart and funny I was. Friends say that to me often too, so I'm guessing it's true. Yes I've done something bad but fundamentally I have spent years being good and am definitely more than he deserves sometimes.
Wow that felt good to write :)

Good :), and I'm glad you do have access to the child benefit.

Also, does he consult you everytime he spends something on himself?

My greatest fear is not that he will leave me or throw me out, I know he won't be physically abusive. I think he will probably tell me how it proves he's right and nobody else does want me. At the moment my hurt is too great to be able to hear that.

omg, I hope you will be able to get to a point soon where you don't want these men to want you. Where you can properly value yourself, and so value the quality of the people in your life too. Believe me, the fact that the OM, a lying, manipulative serial cheater, does not appear to "want" you is only a good thing, something that should have no effect even if DH does throw it in your face. The love and affection of men like this is worth absolutely zilch, as they only ever love themselves.

Zikes - he doesn't consult me, but he does tell me if he buys things! He also does buy me a lot of gifts, it's really not all bad.
Seachange - yes I hope to get to that stage soon too.

Gifts you want or gifts to make you grateful?

Hmmmm good point there. Grateful usually. Sometimes things I want tho :)

"He could do better than me and at times massively disrespected and belittled me" - good grief, what a charmer!

I would say he is quite lucky to be in a relationship at all. I presume that because you are married to him, he can rely on your sense of duty and also 'being trapped' financially plus guilt about splitting up a family to project his shortcomings on to you. With a partner with an attitude like that, it is hardly surprising that your head was turned by some flattery. Why is it that so many men stop makiing an effort when they are married? It is so unattractive - I would have complete sympathy with you even if you had had a full blown extra-marital affair.

But am not quite sure what you are feeling guilty about? You were flattered by a cyber-flirtation, nothing more or less than that. No wonder your spouse is being nicer to you - he realises that there are other men out there who might find you attractive (the one you were having a cyber-flirtation with is a player, but there are other kind men out there). Your spouse realises he has to make a bit more of an effort. Let's face it, if he were single and wanted to have a relationship or even just have sex with someone he would have to come up with something slightly more appealling than 'you'll do - but I could do better.'

As others have said, it sounds like counselling would be really helpful for raising your self-esteeem. You are being so hard on yourself, when really it seems that your husband stopped making an effort years ago and has no respect for you.

Tadpoles - I like that phrase "cyber-flirtation" but have to say it went further than flirting :(
I do wonder if the effort making is because he actually realises I might be strong enough to go. He took me shopping last week, bought me a ton of new clothes (I'm 4 dress sizes smaller than last summer so literally had nothing to wear) and was actually quite complimentary when I tried them on. Usually he tells me I look too skinny (last year I was too fat :S). But he was nice to me which then does make me feel guilty :(

But yes he knows splitting up a family is a HUGE deal to me. I wanted to leave 10 years ago, he persuaded me to have another baby instead. We talked divorce 5 years ago, he persuaded me to have another baby instead (and then told me when I was pg that he'd never wanted another one just didn't want me to leave him!). It's not so easy to walk away with 3 kids, he knows that.

Er, the shopping trip was nice, yes, but necessary given your weightloss.

Telling you look nice rather than criticising you, that is something that should be normal not something out of the ordinary or something to be grateful for. That should be your basic expectation, that your partner makes you feel good not like crap.

Yes I suppose it was necessary - hadn't really thought of it like that. I guess I need to up my basic expectations then!

Feeling very low today, very guilty. Nearly confessed all last night, so stressed by it all. Not sure if the guilt is worse than the knowledge that i will never speak to OM again. I miss him and I know that's so wrong :(

Oh dear. You're bound to miss him. I wouldn't worry about how 'wrong' it is, you can't switch off your feelings.

I do think you need to work on your basic expectations : on a daily basis, your dh should be nice to you and not criticise or belittle you routinely. It's not actually asking a lot.