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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I confess?

128 replies

cathkidstonbag · 28/04/2011 04:06

have finally managed to break free from an EA with someone I know realise has NPD. It has gone on for 5 months and whilst we've never met (since last seeing him 10 years ago) it has been very intense. Very intimate discussions and exchanging of photos etc. I am horribly ashamed of what I have done and really can't even see why I was so stupid, all I can say is he played me so well - one minute bombarding me with texts, the next ignoring me for some supposed slight. I never knew where I was and think I became somewhat addicted to the thrill of it - so stupid :(
Should I confess to my DH of 21 years? Our marriage has been somewhat rocky but lately seems to be going so well. I know it would destroy him, he would never forgive me. But the guilt is burning inside me night and day, I hate what I've done, hate the way I've behaved.
I think I'm safe from OM ever telling my DH but I can't be sure, he has shown himself to be nothing like who I thought he was and even though he is also married he is already seeing someone else.
So is keeping quiet the best way? Or confess and the inevitable divorce and it's impact on my 3 dc? And yes I know I should have thought about them when I was doing this :(

OP posts:
EXlovely · 28/04/2011 09:20

Yes you did were, you were only human. Please don't ever take your husband for granted. Perhaps out of all of this will be that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and just maybe your marriage will be stronger as a result?!

Not wishing to highjack your thread but im in this very situation right now, except my husband is the guilty party and im struggling with the feelings of hurt,anger, lack of trust, loss of faith. But im still hanging on in there hopefully its been a close call.

Like I said there is no doubt your DH knew what was going on. If you want this to work please understand he needs to trust you again. Perhaps, firstly you need to trust yourself to makesure you wont be tempted again! Marriages all go through ups and downs, but not meaning to be harsh but you cant just seek attention elsewhere when the garden isn't rosy and expect your husband not to be hurt and rejected!

I wish you good luck, sounds like you have a good husband.

BarbaraBar · 28/04/2011 09:22

How did you end it with the OM? Is he pissy because you finished it? Is there any chance he'll pester you/tell your dh? If so, you'll have to live with that worry and fear which will completely mess with your head and probably ruin your marriage anyway.

I have no idea what I would do in your shoes OP. The problem with telling is you can't "untell" if the fallout is as bad as you think. The problem with not telling is that you continue to deceive him.

Diggs · 28/04/2011 09:30

Would it be possible to use this as a way to improve your marriage ? Or do you want out ?

I think he needs to know , not in a dramatic emotional affair sort of way though . Words like that are loaded and will get a bad reaction . I think i would say to your H that you have been talking to someone , youve been silly and developed a bit of a school girl crush on this person so youve stopped it . That you feel a bit daft and silly , but that you want to be able to be honest with him .

Theres no need to be dramatic , he,ll get the gist of it and its highly likeley he knows anyway but was happy to be ignorant .

BarbaraBar · 28/04/2011 09:33

Diggs - that sounds like a really good suggestion.

Very wise words.

cathkidstonbag · 28/04/2011 09:35

Barbara - no I wasn't pissy with the OM. I sent this begging letter for him to continue talking to me because I didn't think I could live without him. That was 2 weeks ago and actually I've realised I can do without him very well. A day after I sent it I found out the extent of what a lying twisted person he is, and my feelings for him vanished.
I think my DH will know the truth if I try and dumb down what I did.
My problem is also that DH is having major job problems and his brother is terminally ill. If ever there was a time when he would have a breakdown (he has had problems like that before) then it would be now, without me dropping this on him. But it's worse to wait to tell him.

OP posts:
cathkidstonbag · 28/04/2011 09:37

I don't want out. I thought I did but partly that was because OM was twisting my feelings towards my DH. Comments about how much better HE would treat me if I was his wife etc.

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 28/04/2011 09:49

I had strong opinions about infidelity being the end of a marriage untill I discovered my DH's affairs. I realised almost immediately that the marriage could be saved and now know that affairs do not have to mean the end. Your H may feel the same when told.

frazzle26 · 28/04/2011 09:50

Don't tell him. I confessed something to a boyfriend that I really liked (it wasn't an affair) that I could have got away with not telling him. It was quite a big thing but not really relevant to our relationship. He took it really badly and I could tell he never looked at me the same again. He finished with me 2 months later.

You feel bad enough as it is. I think that's punishment enough. Don't punish your DH and DC too. Just make sure you have covered your tracks fully. Could you change mobile phone provider because you've seen a "brilliant new offer" so you can get a new number without raising suspicion. Change your email address asap etc.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/04/2011 09:58

You say you managed to "break free" from someone you "now know" has narcissistic personality disorder. How do you know he has this disorder?

How did this relationship end OP?

It sounds to me that if this OM had left his own marriage and had been consistent in his adoration, you would have left your H. Before even thinking about confessing, you need to be very clear about your own responsibility in this and what you would have been capable of doing in the name of "love", if the OM had been as keen as you. It would, after all be the most logical question for your H to ask, along with questions about whether you would have slept with the OM if you'd had the opportunity. You also need to wrestle with what hurt you would have been prepared to bring to another woman's door, in order to bring happiness to yourself.

Confessing the bare bones of the story doesn't touch the sides, you see. People in your situation will often pretend that they would have backed off before things became physical (rarely true) and that they would never have left their marriages when push came to shove. I think the first step for you is to be honest with yourself about what you would have really done, with enough encouragement.

In general, I recommend honesty in these situations because it is not only unethical to lie by omission and take away someone's choices, but secrets like this always get in the way of a truly intimate marriage, because there can be no emotional honesty. However, there are two caveats to that - confession would be unwise if physical violence ensued and pointless if the betrayed spouse is under-invested in what is already a bad marriage.

I therefore always advise that you process some of the questions I've asked with a neutral, non-judgemental counsellor and talk about the pros and cons of confession.

The exception to exercising the luxury of time and space with a counsellor is if there is any risk that the OM or his wife will beat you to it. If your H finds out via other means, his hurt will be magnified, I assure you. And it is his hurt I want you to consider - and not the consequences for you and whether there is less chance he would forgive if he finds out from anyone other than you, although that is undeniably a consequence.

I don't think you should use as a barometer for this, whether you would want to know if the positions were reversed. Your H is a different person and might make very different choices.

What people say they would do on discovery of infidelity and what they actually do is nearly always different, especially in long marriages where children are involved. Contrary to popular belief, men are often far more forgiving of an indiscretion (especially non-sexual), more self-blaming (a bad thing, actually) and in the best cases, honest about their own brushes with infidelity.

BarbaraBar · 28/04/2011 09:59

Sorry omg - wasn't suggesting that you were pissy. I meant was the other man pissy? The reason I ask is I had a xp who sounds a bit like your OM and when I finally finished with him he decided to try and spoil my next relationship because he wanted to keep control over me. I think you should factor in whether the OM will go quietly iykwim.

I'm sorry to hear your dh is having such a hard time and I can see why confessing might make things worse. Perhaps a confession along the lines that Diggs suggests will be what your dh needs to hear and will help him to move on? It's not necessarily dumbing down what you've done but it is putting a gloss on it that might make it easier for your dh with everything else going on.

Gooseberrybushes · 28/04/2011 10:19

Mal: I remember you saying once that one instance of infidelity would make a twenty year marriage a lie.

I really would not take advice from someone who thinks like this.

I think seachange has good points on the other side, and normal as usual has marvellous things to say.

My own advice comes from a background of believing (rather sexistly) that when men do it, it's more usually because they can't keep it in their trousers, and when women do it, it's more usually because they feel driven to it by a neglectful husband. So I'm very inclined to give women the benefit of the doubt (especially when you haven't been near the bloke).

Which is a quite unbalanced background really, so you might want to take my advice with a pinch of salt too.

oohlaalaa · 28/04/2011 10:26

I would not confess.

Diggs · 28/04/2011 10:30

Do you think you would have slept with him Op , or left your H ?

Im not suggesting dumbing it down , hes not stupid , only that it can be presented in a less hurtfull way initially , and as something you recognise is about you , not him . You will probably find that over a 21 year marriage he has had his own temptations .

Im not surprised to hear youve got problems with jobs and ill relatives . It sounds like this was a form of escapism on your part , and that you saw in Om what you wanted to see , instead of what is.

higgle · 28/04/2011 10:43

FFS!! This isn't an affair, they haven't even met, it is just a bitof regrettable silliness, and OP has now come to her senses. It is over, forget it, move on and put it down to experience.

AlistairSimnelcake · 28/04/2011 10:57

If it's not an afair and no big deal, what's the problem with telling her husband about it?

LadyLapsang · 28/04/2011 11:01

I don't see how saying anything about it to your DH is going to help. If you are feeling bad it may be good to get some counselling where you can explore your feelings and then decide if you want to tell your DH. Agree with Gooseberrybushes, in the main I think men and women have affairs for different reasons as your experience has proved (OM is married and is also seeing someone else in addition to you).

OM doesn't sound the type to turn up on your doorstep to tell your DH, he sounds like a serial adulterer.

Try and put some of the energy you used on your EA to good use with your DH and I hope he does likewise. Good luck.

Gooseberrybushes · 28/04/2011 11:56

Jeez, really, don't be told you can't have a "proper" relationship any more. You haven't already destroyed anything.

If telling would have those consequences - and if you aren't exaggerrating them because let's face it we'd all want reasons not to tell - then I think you would be crazy to tell him in this burst of remorse and guilt.

At least give it more thought.

seachange · 28/04/2011 13:46

I agree with WWIFN. Some of the things you say OP are ringing alarm bells for me.

"I should have been stronger, should have realised I'm not the type of woman who inspires that kind of thing in men, he just used me. I hurt so much from realising that too. I thought it was the real thing!"

Actually no, whether you inspire these feelings in men or not is beside the point. You shouldn't have done it because it was horribly cruel, dishonest and hurtful, not because it wasn't "the real thing". So what if it had been the real thing? Would that have been ok?

"But is ruining my family's life in the process the best thing to do? I don't know if I would feel better that way or worse."

Err I thought this was about your husband, not you. Or are you still putting yourself first, working out what will make you feel the least bad?

You've based your H's reaction on a throwaway comment he made while watching a tv programme years ago? If he'd divorced a previous wife for infidelity, fair enough, but anything less is just an excuse for not telling him, as is "it will destroy him". So you care about that now that things haven't worked out with OM?

It sounds like you're only over OM because it turns out he was a lying twisted person? Did the fact that he was cheating on his wife with you not give you a hint?

Actually I might have changed my mind. Maybe you shouldn't confess if it's going to come out anything like "the bad patch in our marriage made me do it, but it's ok I've ended things because it turns out the OM was a bit of a shit really and not The One after all."

Kiwinyc · 28/04/2011 13:58

i would simply concentrate on repairing the intimacy in your marriage, open up all communication channels and be honest from this point. Redirect all the energy you were putting into your affair and use it to fix and strengthen your marriage. I know some people wll say you can't fix it on your own but you can ask for equal effort from your partner - he doesn't need to know the motivation for why you want this now, only that you had been unhappy (if you were) or that you had been disconnected and want to reconnect now.

cathkidstonbag · 28/04/2011 13:59

WWIFN - he hasn't been officially diagnosed. It's just that I started reading a while ago about NPD as I'm convinced my mum has it and when I read about relationships with somebody with this it was like a light bulb moment. He fits every trait. Could be wrong he could just be a total game player I suppose.
Would I have left my DH? If things had continued in the same way for longer and I'd fallen in love then yes I probably would, but I would have done that before anything physical happened. Not that that makes it any better I'm sure but RL intimacy would not have happened while I was still with my DH.

OP posts:
thinNigella · 28/04/2011 14:02

The hurt you would cause would be very destructive for a very long time.
You deserve to live with the guilt I'm afraid. Keep it to yourself and learn from it.

Yes, I am harsh. But fair. And honest.

cathkidstonbag · 28/04/2011 14:05

Seachange - I get that you think I'm a total cow for this. And you're right I am. I'm not thinking of what will make me feel better, I want to keep my family happy. Yes you're right I should have realised the kind of man who does this to his wife is bad news, I can see that now.

And to the earlier person who asked me if OM or his wife decides to tell my DH? (sorry typing on iPhone and it won't let me see the posts and type) - really don't think that will happen unless he deliberately decides to tell. I can't rule that out but he would have as much to lose.

OP posts:
Gooseberrybushes · 28/04/2011 14:05

Ideally, honesty is the best way forward, fresh intimacy, forgiveness, counselling, repair.

In the real world - something like this, something stupid and crass and low like this? A long marriage, which would continue long and peaceful, the possibility of devastating children and parents, the possibility of ruining his life forever, ruining yours, even ruining the children's lives?

The damage seems out of proportion. There's use crying over spilt milk, but there's no use slaughtering the herd.

elastamum · 28/04/2011 14:10

FGS You havent even met with the man. Hardly an affair, more a fantasy IMO.

You just need to work on your real life relationship

seachange · 28/04/2011 14:15

I'm just projecting omg. That's the risk you run posting about less-than-desirable behaviour on here, unfortunately people who aren't in a good place, with not a huge amount of self control (ie me Blush) can't resist the urge to vent when their lives have been destroyed by similar behaviour by their spouses. (My H has been having a physical and emotional affair for the last 16 months.)

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