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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am i wrong for starting a new relationship

30 replies

ilovemybabie · 24/04/2011 22:40

i split up wit ex partner about 4 weeks ago.

He cheated got his ex pregnant, i took him back then he ended it, 3 months later we tried again then his baby was born (she is lovely little thing :) ) he went really distant and didnt care anymore. We broke up and dont speak no more.

On Friday i started a new relationship with someone i have known a while but people keep saying i am stupid and moving on to fast. I am only 20 qnd dont want to be sitting round being botherd over the ex when he isnt doing the same.

OP posts:

warzone · 24/04/2011 22:44

No you are not wrong. Your ex is a loser. I hope your new relationship is everything you hope it will be.

timetocallitaday · 24/04/2011 22:44

What's wrong with being on your own for a bit? Why does getting with a new man mean you're not bothered about your ex? It's perfectly ok to be bothered, he sounds like an arse. Do you go from man to man and put up with therir bad behaviour? Because being single is far preferable you know.

HerBEggs · 24/04/2011 22:46

You're not wrong, but you're possibly unwise.

Have you analysed why you want this new relationship? Is it because the new man enhances your life and makes it better, or is it becasue you assume you have to have a boyfriend?

squeakytoy · 24/04/2011 22:48

At 20, no, you are not doing anything wrong. Its quite normal at your age to go on to new relationships quite quickly. I hope it all works out well for you.

Spero · 24/04/2011 22:50

I know the urge to be in a relationship can be very strong. But jumping quickly into new relationships without properly getting over the old one is usually a bad idea.

Why do you even need/want a relationship at your age? Shouldn't you be out there, having fun, meeting lots of different people, getting to know who you really are and what you really want?

HerBEggs · 24/04/2011 22:52

He sounds like such a shit actually, that you sound as if you have very low standards. He cheated, got his ex pregnant, then went back to you?

You are 20 years old, you have your whole life ahead of you to have fun, enjoy yourself, explore your potential - why on earth would you want to be with te horrible old man and is the new one any better?

Original poster

ilovemybabie · 24/04/2011 22:55

I dont need to have a boyfriend i know that.

Me and my current partner have liked each other for a while, i will always care for the ex i just dont want to be sitting round crying over him. I done that last time and it never done me any good. I would never take him back either, he put me and my daughter through to much and he isnt interested. My daughter wont be meeting my new partner for a good while.

I dont go from man to man, if i break up with some one i normally stay single for a while before getting into another relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovemybabie · 24/04/2011 22:57

HerBEggs you say 'old man' he is alot older than me he is 28 lol.

I know that taking him back was a bad idea. at the time he made me believe he would change ect.

OP posts:

timetocallitaday · 24/04/2011 22:59

Even more reason for you to slow down if you have a child tbh. She will learn from you, and if she learns that you only have self worth when in a relationship, then that is a very dangerous path to tread. I'd say you need to be by yourself, and realise that it's ok to do so. Seeing their parents leaping from one person to the next, with barely a break inbetween is incredibly disruptive and confusing fro children.

Spero · 24/04/2011 23:02

You say you 'normally' stay single for a while between relationships. You are only 20! How many relationships have you been in?

You are obviously worried about it, or you wouldn't have posted this. I say, have a break from any relationships for a while; you clearly made a very bad choice with the ex and you need think about why/how this happened to avoid it happening again. This is even more important if you have a daughter who is going to take you as her guide on how to handle relationships as she grows up.

Original poster

ilovemybabie · 24/04/2011 23:08

I havent had many relationships, I got pregant when i was 17 going on 18 and i this is my third relationship thats including the baby's dad. other ones before him was just silly childish one's.

After the relation ship with my baby's dad i was single for 6 months then i met the ex, who didnt see my daughter till we were seeing eachother for 3 months, and now there is this one.

thank you for all the advise by the way

OP posts:

Spero · 24/04/2011 23:12

I don't think I really had much of a clue about who I was and what I wanted until I was nearly 35 and part of the reason it took so long was that I spent almost all of my free time chasing unsuitable relationships and then desparately trying to make them work.

If only I could go back in time to my 20 year old self (and if only she'd listen!!) and say - slow down. You have lots of time. Don't be in any kind of a hurry to get involved in a relationship. Get to know yourself and be strong and secure in who you are and then the men you do attract will be worth it.

MrsFlittersnoop · 24/04/2011 23:12

Don't let your new man have anything to do with your DD for at least a year. This may sound very harsh, but you need to experiment with your own relationships WITHOUT your DD having any involvement with the men in your life.

Be sensible, have fun when she isn't around. Eventually, you MIGHT meet someone you would like to be involved her life.

You can have a fun shagging social life, and be a good mum. Not necessarily at the same time in the same place.

timetocallitaday · 24/04/2011 23:14

3 months is far too early to involve dc in a new relationship. How old is your new man? I'm a bit concerned that there was such an age gap with the ex. I have a friend who always goes for men like this, much older, taking advantage of her low self esteem basically, moving in and getting involved far too quickly. It's depressing to see her make the same mistake over and over again. She's on her 6th child now,by 4 men and she's not even 30. Think how you want your life to pan out.

MarioandLuigi · 24/04/2011 23:14

Me and my current partner have liked each other for a while, i will always care for the ex i just dont want to be sitting round crying over him.

Are you trying to make him jealous? Sorry if I am way off the mark but thats the impression I get from this.

easycomeeasygo · 24/04/2011 23:17

theres no right or wrong I recon, i had split up with my ex hubby 4 weeks and i met my now DH and we've been together 11 years, I had 2 DDs before I met my DH and they are now 14 and 16 and they are fine, i think its ok to have another bf if thats what you want, but maybe keep him away from the DD for now, if things progress in your relationship then maybe introduce them later on (thats what my friend does) good luck anyway, and if this other man makes you happy then so be it. x

HerBEggs · 24/04/2011 23:17

ilovemybabie, what is the new man bringing to your life (sorry I didn't mean old man as in very aged geriatric, just in old as opposed to new! )? How is he making our life better?

HerBEggs · 24/04/2011 23:18

your life not our life. I don't expect to be that involved...

easycomeeasygo · 24/04/2011 23:18

looks like I cross posted..sorry.

EricNorthmansMistress · 24/04/2011 23:19

Are you trying to distract yourself from feeling upset about your ex by starting a new relationship? That is very unwise. Normally I'd say live your life, make your mistakes - but you have a child. So make your mistakes but leave her out of it :)

FWIW 4 weeks is not long enough to be over a break up. So it's really not fair on your new man. He won't be getting the best of you.

Original poster

ilovemybabie · 24/04/2011 23:21

After having the ex in my babys life i wouldnt do that again unless i knew we were solid but thats not going to happen for a long, long time so it will be more than a year before he meets her.

I have the implant so i am having no more children till am settled down in a relation ship. My partner is 21.

I am not trying to make my ex jealous, i dont see the point in trying to do that, its childish. Of course i care for him, we went threw alot together but like i said i want to move on with out him in my life.

OP posts:

Spero · 24/04/2011 23:24

You can move on without having a new relationship.

The problem seems to be that you don't think you are 'moving on' unless you are 'moving on' to a new relationship. Why can't you demonstrate how happy and sorted you are in a variety of other ways, that don't run the risk of more emotional heartache for you and confusion for your daughter?

Original poster

ilovemybabie · 24/04/2011 23:24

After the last time we broke up there wasnt nothing there any more if you get me. I think that was both ways aswell, when we broke up i wasnt as down as i should of been.

OP posts:

easycomeeasygo · 24/04/2011 23:26

I don't think your doing anything wrong, you sound like you know where your head is at and where your priorities lie. Good luck with your new man, have loads of fun, you deserve it.

Spero · 24/04/2011 23:27

Be thankful then that you didn't get more deeply attached to someone who sounds like an irresponsible loser.

Have a break. Have some fun, with your daughter and with some friends. You don't need to be in a relationship right now.

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