Is my husband cheating on me???

[Jammy30]

Hi there...

I'm new to mumsnet here....I am need of some advice....
I have been married to my husband for 14 years and have 5 children, our oldest is 13 and youngest being 3 and 1/2 years old.

We recently moved home and I was organising my husbands wardrobe for him...i came across an unused Durex condom in a brand new blazer he has never worn...tags are still on!!!

He has only ever used a condom with me once and that was over 8 years ago...also I have been sterilised for 3 1/2 years now...had it done when our youngest was born. The point is he has never ever used a condom with me apart from that 1 time. I called Durex to ask what the dates/numbers meant on the foil package, 2006-09. I was told that 2006 was the manufacturiong year and the 09 meant expiry year.

I asked him very calmly to explain to me what it was doing in his pocket?
His response was...I do not know where it has come from I have no knowlegde of how it got there!
I'm kind of having a really hard time believing him/his story.

I suppose I would have given him the benefit of the doubt if he had responded with that his friends were messing about....but to deny any knowlegde of where it has come from? Not reassuring. It just doesnt make sense at all!!!

So he's been proclaiming his love....and not been sharing our bedroom in order to "spare my feelings" because if he were to sleep in the bedroom i would be constantly thinking that he did cheat on me and I would torture myself...this is him saying all this.

Erm....im alread thinking that??? My question is...we dont use a condom...i am sterlised so what is that condom doing there in the first place?

and he is sticking by his story...telling me that he has never cheated on me ever...etc...

Any thoughts?

It's exactly how I found out about my H's affair, I have had the coil for years and found condoms in his bedside table. He admitted it as soon as I asked him though, so perhaps your story will be different, hope so. I was becomming suspicious as well. Lots of other signs, detachment, going out lots with colleagues etc.. Have you noticed any change in him?

I agree, are there any changes in his behaviour that you have noticed? That is usually the key. But he is sticking to the same answer so he could be telling the truth. Do you remember why he bought the jacket? For what occasion? Have you checked his phone/computer? You know your husband best and you would know whether he was capable of lying and looking you straight in the eye etc.

I hope everything works out ok

You say the jacket has never been worn though, so what would he be doing putting it in a jacket he has not worn. Durex's come in packets of three, you cannot buy them singularly.

If he had worn the jacket I could actually understand more of your concern the fact he never has, could mean he is telling the truth.

When did he buy the jacket? And if he hasn't worn the jacket, the what was the point of having a very old condom in there?

I reckon the condom was in there when he bought the jacket.

When did he buy the blazer? Is it as old as the condom? Do you think he was maybe planning to cheat on you a long time ago and didn't?

Not that that makes things any better, just trying to get a bit of a timeline on this. Also, if that is the case, you will still be wanting the whole truth but if he did have bad intentions he will probably not be able to "remember".

Seems strange he's in another room, in fact I think that's what's ringing the most alarm bells with me.

But impressed that you appear to have a house big enough for a family of 7 and still have a spare room/bed for DH to sleep in...

Hope you manage to get this resolved to your satisfaction.

I have always been suspicious...its just the way he is around other women..a bit flirty...didnt think anything of it in the beginning...I had some suspiciouns a few years back...I pretended to be some single girl...he gave his real name and everything on the chats...i never told him that it was me and he doesnt know...when I had confronted him he claimed it was on behalf of a friend of his...but why give your real name out and tell the "girl" that she can google it and that his photograph is on a certain website...rite? Then he went abroad 2 years ago and was away for 3 months when he was only supposed to be away for 1 month...I found out via his nieces who had called and told me he was doing a lot of lunches with this female doctor.... its just the one condom I have found though...

his brother had bought it for him as a present no more than 2 years ago from M&S...and am I very sure that there was no condom in it!!! I had thought about that as well...maybe it was my brother in laws...or it accidently when the jacket was purchased...perhaps as a return...but i know it wasnt there...coz there's been times when he's been getting ready for functions he's been trying blazers on and I have always been the one to put his things back in place.

So, really it's not about the condom.

You think he is sleeping around.

You need to outsmart him, that is , if you don't want to stick your head in the sand. Find out all you can.

You can then tell him in no uncertain terms to stop being unfaithful, or you can pack his bags.

Well im not sure....I have been suspicious now and again...when i have confronted him...it's like...there's nothing in it, we were out as a group...like that female doctor...the explanation was that it was a group of doctors...some of them were his friends and they were there with their wives..except this one female doc...she was single.
She contacted him on his mobile last year inviting him to come to Switzerland for a few days, as she was attending a seminar and that everything would be paid for. when again i confronted him...it was like...oh no you've got it wrong...its the same group that attending this medical seminar, its just friends...my point was well why are your friends nt contacting you if they want you there...why a woman...who barely knows you...why is she inviting you?!
when i found this condom, i was just couldnt digest it... i did ask him to leave....he just wouldn't...so he's sleeping in ds room on the floor for the time being. He has changed his email password too and set up other email addresses...i know because he stores his usernames in his contacts list in his mobile. Also gave himself a nickname 3 years ago..Bobby.
How do i outsmart him? I ask questions and there's just no logical explanations!

Speaking as an outsider, this is all sounding a bit strange - email aliases, contact from another woman asking him to go to Switzerland, going abroad for a month which turned into 3.

I am getting the feeling that you are not particularly happy anyway.

Be honest - if your BIL turned up tomorrow and said the condom was his, would you have a huge sense of relief or would there still be nagging doubts about his behaviour and would you still have massive trust issues? This really isn't just about a condom IMO.

OP. Alarm bells are ringing for you. There's lots that doesn't add up. All I can say from my own recent experience (so you have to bear in mind my view is biased here) it would be unwise to ignore all of the possibilities which could explain your H's behaviour. What I mean is don't just accept his explanations if they simply don't fit for you.

Having said that, he might be telling you the truth. You know him best, but don't forget that you know yourself too. I'd say that going over all your suspicions and when they first arose, whether there were any changes in his behaviour at all might help you to outsmart him if that's what you feel you need to do.

Could you ask his brother in confidence if he did this as a practical joke? Or check out with friends if they've noticed anything too? I didn't do this, but I wish I had because after I discovered that my XH was in his second affair many of our friends got off the fence to tell me their true thoughts about him.

It's very hard to act on suspicions when the clues don't seem to quite hang together. You must be questionning your ability to tell fact from fiction. I would say that if he is being at all secretive with passwords, and has other email addresses then he may well be having contact with people not known to you. I don't know how you do friendships in your relationship OP - do you each have separate friends and interests which the other doesn't necessarily know about?

Im not happy because nothing ever makes sense! I know its couldnt possibly be BIL because they have been trying to conceive ever since he & his wife got married.
wisedupwoman:You are absolutely right I cant just act on suspicions....all the clues are there but no evidence! as far as friends are concerned, we d have mutual friends...i know some of them, however he never brings them home...very rarely.
On the other hand he tends to drive my friends away, they are supposedly not good people etc....he even approached one of my friends. She got the impressions that he was telling her to back off....he has always done this in a very cunning way, driving people away from me...ok fine some he doesnt approve of some people, but every time i meet someone or make a friend, this is what he does...surely they are not all bad people?
All these feeelings/thoughts are surfacing...its not just the condom i suppose...there are a lot of issues here! He lies and hides things from me...i am not allowed this this and that...but its ok for him to continue doing what he is doing and its acceptable?! One rule for him and another for me...and i have always burried my head in the sand...I dont think i can do that anymore.

So if it couldn't be BIL and we all know how scrupulous M&S are about their products - who does it leave?

Well, some would say that clues are a kind of evidence, it's just that at the moment you don't know how to make them connect. What would count as evidence for you, OP? Because I think that if you need actual physical evidence by then it's probably too late and an affair has been underway for some time IME. The sense i get is that you do have evidence that all is not right with your H and he's not being straight with you about this, regardless of his magnanimous gesture of sleeping with your DS to spare your feelings, and of his proclamations of love. They're not enough are they? Because he is not addressing the issue. He's fogging you with what I suspect would have worked in the past.

You have said:
you found a condom in a jacket which you don't use or need
your H is a flirt
he's been in touch with a female who invited him away
he's been changing his passwords and emails and has another username
he lies and hides things from you (what, apart from what you've already said?)

After 17 years you don't know some of the people he mixes with - not in itself suspicious. when you put this together with how he behaves towards your friends i.e. isolating you and actually warning one of them off - well that paints a different picture (well, it does to me, but like i said, I'm biased!).

How come your H gets to be the arbitar of what counts as a good person, I wonder? Could it be anyone who might pose a threat by challenging him?

Other posters will take up your thread, I'm sure and you'll get lots of views about this, so keep posting.

Thats what I am thinking exactly.....you're not the only one who's biased! lol
I don't need physical evidence... I was looking for signs...being distant etc...but it was the opposite, if i didnt let him have his way he would verbaly torment me,keep me up the whole night for the last 2 yrs he would have these fits where he would smash things around the house.He constantly wants sex... i think i perhaps am coming to my senses this time round.
He has been fogging me for quite some time and it did work...however things are different this time and I think he knows that this time.
I do believe he views other people as a threat....especially these 2 friends of mine. Could it be that he feels intimidated because they are strong women? and how they influence my life ( in a very positive way)...yes is the answer. It threatens him...it must do! my friend did challenge him-sort of. She gave as good as she got and I dont think she said anything wrong at all! his behaviour changed after that conversation with my friend...disapproving and was adamant that i was being influenced by her etc...he thinks he gets to be the arbitar because he is very religious! lol
He's been telling me I'm the only one he loves has ever loved....if it makes me feel better then yeah he's a bad man and so on.....and I sit there and listen to it...and I just do not believe a word that he is saying to me. Its not my friends I am listening to they are not there telling me what to do, no one is...infact I am just looking at all the facts and circumstances and unfortunately they are telling me a different story!

Thank you all for your input....really appreciate that you're giving up your time to listen or should I say read.
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Can I just ask you what his behaviour was like when you confronted him? Did he ask to look at the condom? Did he physically check the other pockets? I was just trying to think how I'd act if I'd done nothing and someone said 'this was in your pocket' - I think I'd have to physically touch the jacket and the condom to try to work out how it got there.

atswimtolengths-His intial reaction....I showed him the condom and asked it was doing in his pocket....there was a brief silence and immdiately tried to reassure me that he had done nothing wrong....that was the first thing then came....i dont know how it got there, where it came from!
He did bring 3 of his blazers down into the livingroom one evening asking which one it was i had found it in....and i showed him.

He waited about 5 days before asking which blazer i had found it in

Alright then so he's a controlling shit and you've got his number. Good for you.

I hope WWIFN reads your post because she will be able to give you some very good insight into the kind of man you are dealing with and how to detach yourself from him.

My impression FWIW is that he's an immature and selfish man who goes into a tantrum whenever he knows you want to asset yourself with him. Lets not medicalise his behaviour by using terms such as 'fit' - he is absolutely conscious of what he is doing and it's effects upon you.

Not only that he uses torture to break you down - have you ever been physically afraid that he'll tip into violence? If so you need to seek outside support for this.

As for you being the only woman he has ever loved - bullshit, I'm afraid. YOu know that. When being in love with someone means being in pain then what he feels is more like hate than anything else. You have much more power in this relationship than he does which is why he needs to keep you close to him so much and why outside friends are such a threat. You know that too.

Not sure about the religious beliefs and how they fit - but on face value there's huge incongruity between his beliefs and his actions - unless he's a member of some obscure sect which believes in lying, controlling, abusive and amoral behaviours that is!

He took his time about the condom because he was temporarily thrown and didn't know how to explain it - in truth there is only one explanation for it being there but he doesn't want to tell you the truth.

It's a GOOD THING that you don't believe a word he is saying. YOu don't have to. what do you want to happen, OP? Do you want to separate? Or work things out with him?

Your condom story didn't worry me much on its own. Then the other stuff came out :(

Basically, you caught him (at least) trying to cheat several years ago. You've never told him that you caught him fair and square, therefore you've been balancing on the edge of doubt for quite some time. Again, recently, you caught him out planning a trip with a single colleague - and he stayed away for two extra months while working abroad.

None of this is good. The way he tells you how you feel and alienates your friends makes him sound like a manipulative, contemptuous bastard I'm afraid. After all this time, have you become so used to accepting his edicts that you're not quite sure of your reality? It sounds like it to me.

Please keep posting, with good will and a following wind it may help to clarify your thoughts & perceptions.

I think the suspected infidelity is the least of your problems OP, although I think it's pretty irrefutable that he has been unfaithful when the chance arose and at other times looking for other opportunities, as the chat site story demonstrates.

What I'm curious about is you. How did you get to this point?

You've tolerated him controlling your friendships, leaving you alone with goodness knows how many children for three months when actually, even one month away should have been too much for a father, you knew he was angling for an affair when you played agent provocateur on that website and now you know he has been using condoms with someone other than you. It's pretty obvious that he stuffed a left-over condom in a place he thought you wouldn't look - an unworn jacket. You have stayed with him throughout his house-smashing episodes and angry outbursts, despite the fact that this must have been frightening for you and the DCs.

So that's the question - why have you been making these bargains for so long? And what propelled you this time to properly confront a situation it sounds like you have been in denial about for some time?

One of the best things you can do right now is to buy a book called Why Does he Do That? - Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. You'll recognise your H on those pages and if you've got any sense and enough strength, you will get the hell out. Ask those friends to help you and start telling people what life has been like for you this past few years.

One day, when you are well again, you will look back and wonder why on earth you put up with this for so long, but the important thing is that you act now and realise you have choices to make a better life for you and your children.

Yes perhaps I have been in denial.....I just didnt feel strong enough....I have had a rough time from a very young age.....he would always tell that no one would do anything for me ever....that he was the only one I had! Maybe I was scared of being on my own?! I do feel like I cannot tell what reality is....my mind is always in this "haze/fog" now adays. I do look back at the opportunities I had and find myself thinking...I should have left when I had the chance.....I should have just done it!!!
He made it out to be that I was the one that wouldnt survive without him...and I allowed him to do that.
His "episodes" did frighten the younger ones......at one time he had smashed my coffee and nest tables and put a big hole in the livingroom wall....when he was done my 2 older ones 11 and 13 yrs, woke up, walked upto him and said "you are crazy....you're shouting and smashing the house up at 2 am in the morning....don't know why but you need to get a grip dad!"
I don't know what propelled me to confront him this time.....I think there comes a time for everyone and my time has come...
I cook,clean,look after him,look after our house, our kids....I am not perfect...no one is...but I am a damn good wife and mother.
I don't think i'll ever undertstand why he does what does!
I am just tired of it all now...and no one...no one has the right to make you feel like absolute crap all the time....especially your husband!

Well tried a few bookshops to purchase the book you recommened WWIFN....they said it's not out yet? will try to see if i can buy it online from somewhere!

Again thanks for listening to me. :)

the problem with trying to catch someone out who is cheating (i am not saying he is) is that they are always one step ahead, if they are lying to you they will think nothing of telling more lies or even doing the wearing on their life. it will wear you down long before it does them

the bigger problem is his bullying and this is not acceptable and you are absolutely right no one has the right to make you feel like crap but its you that needs to make a change. even if its a little step at a time you can do it.

maybe some counselling to help build up your confidence to move on if you look at the BACP website they have local therapy centres that offer counselling and support groups, many offer sessions at lower rates if money is a little tight

just want to add me saying you need to make a change i am not meaning in anyway you are to blame, not at all he chooses to bully but you making a change will help you move on, he will not stop being the way he is

Freudianslipper: Yes you are right! I feel maybe thats why he always gets aways with it...because he always knows what to expect. So yes I will have to make the changes.....thank you

I feel for you. I had this nightmare 2 years ago and I can honestly say it was awful.

I found out I was having twins just before xmas 2008 and things just seem to change overnight. My husband started making up stories, being very protective of his mobile phone etc. At first I thought he was just dealing with our news. I was 25 he was 27 at the time. Then things got worse, working late most nights, taking overnight bags and leaving them in the car "in case he ever had a late meeting".

Things just got worse and worse until I was almost crazy with paranoid thoughts, my self esteem went through the floor.

To cut a long story short, I searched the internet for answers, was it me? Was it just a man thing? God knows what goes through your head sitting here waiting for him to come home all innocent. He was clever though, and yeah always 1 step ahead.

The best advice I can give is DONT BLAME YOURSELF! It's easy to go nuts when you do that. I confided in my mum for support which was a god send really, I began to actually hate him. How would I pay the mortgage, bills? Our twins? I am waffling sorry.

Just be strong, and get one step ahead of him :-) My mum wanted to confront him straight away, I wanted to find out one way or the other, but after searching and many hours researching we decided to use a surveillance company to either confirm or deny our worse fears.

He was having an affair, with a woman older than me at his place of work. I hate him sooooooo much. We ended up with photos of him and her having a meal in a restaurant then going back to her house for 2 hours. He told me he was at a conference in Leeds- He was in Brighton with her!

I hate him. We are divorced now and I am finally getting over him- but I feel for you. The pain and the anguish hurts still today.

Sorry if I have waffled.