Is my husband cheating on me???

[Jammy30]

Hi there...

I'm new to mumsnet here....I am need of some advice....
I have been married to my husband for 14 years and have 5 children, our oldest is 13 and youngest being 3 and 1/2 years old.

We recently moved home and I was organising my husbands wardrobe for him...i came across an unused Durex condom in a brand new blazer he has never worn...tags are still on!!!

He has only ever used a condom with me once and that was over 8 years ago...also I have been sterilised for 3 1/2 years now...had it done when our youngest was born. The point is he has never ever used a condom with me apart from that 1 time. I called Durex to ask what the dates/numbers meant on the foil package, 2006-09. I was told that 2006 was the manufacturiong year and the 09 meant expiry year.

I asked him very calmly to explain to me what it was doing in his pocket?
His response was...I do not know where it has come from I have no knowlegde of how it got there!
I'm kind of having a really hard time believing him/his story.

I suppose I would have given him the benefit of the doubt if he had responded with that his friends were messing about....but to deny any knowlegde of where it has come from? Not reassuring. It just doesnt make sense at all!!!

So he's been proclaiming his love....and not been sharing our bedroom in order to "spare my feelings" because if he were to sleep in the bedroom i would be constantly thinking that he did cheat on me and I would torture myself...this is him saying all this.

Erm....im alread thinking that??? My question is...we dont use a condom...i am sterlised so what is that condom doing there in the first place?

and he is sticking by his story...telling me that he has never cheated on me ever...etc...

Any thoughts?

If anyone is interested I have a whole stack of stuff I downloaded, found, borrowed lol.

Let me know and i'll try and send it or post it somehow.

If anyone lives near me in Luton we have a great mums network locally where we have play days and tea mornings with the kids.

I used this company, I don't know too much about the surveillance industry lol, but they did the trick for me and I don't think they were expensive. (My mum paid though)

www.discreetsurveillance.co.uk

Sorry if I waffled and took over your thread last night. I do tend to get carried away.

But if anyone needs anything I might be able to help. I have oooodles of stuff, :-) stay strong and BELIEVE IN YOURSELF :l-)

Hi Emsy112....I so sorry to hear about your situation but at the same time good for you...and your mum!!!
lol don't be sorry and no you were not waffling....I think it rather me than you who has taken over this thread....the subject has completly changed..so you see I have a tendency to go on an on and on...too!!!
I have come to realise that it's not really just about finding a condom....but finding it made something snap in me!!!
I have taken the decision to separate....some may think it's too soon...but I know its been heading this way for quite a long time now.
I look back and wish I would had the courage to walk away then...and quite frankly I do not want to be sitting here and still be with him a few years from now on and still be wishing I had walked away.....I have spent so much of my life doing just that.....wishing I could walk away....I would tell myself..."do it for the sake of your kids...dont break up the family....make it work". Either way the kids will suffer....wether I stay with him or divorce him...but at least my daughters will learn something valuable from it all...they will not be a doormat...they will no tolerate (hopefully) being abused...emotionally or in any other form.

He has been asking my children what I talk about when I am on the phone to family and friends.
My mother recently visited and stayed with us for a few wks...he told the kids that things had gotten worse with my mother being here...
Also said to kids that the reason we are not talking is because everytime he tries to talk to me I get into an argument and I am moody...apparently!
That's quite funny....and I am unable to tell my 13 year old that all this started since I found a condom in her dads pocket!!!

She came up to me today and said..."mum, i know it's not you....it's him!" even my kids know!

The question is now how do I do it? He will refuse to leave....it only leaves me with the option of leaving with the kids...and go abroad to my mum and brothers. So lets see how it goes....i will try and ask him to leave...doubt it will work....
Wish me luck!

Jammy, I would tell your 13 year old this. She will understand.

Would you be able to have a good life, abroad?

atswimtwolengths- Hmmm....wasn't too sure about it....not so much that she wouldn't understand but that maybe I would be stirring up negativity in her heart against her dad! Sounds ridiculous I know...since that is exactly what he seems to be doing...but it isn't some sort of tit for tat game...

I lived there in my childhood....got lots of friends and my family...but too be honest not too keen on the idea! I cannot see myself settling down there!
I am happy where I am...it would make things easier if he went...kids have lived here their whole lives...their life is here.

Just popping in again Jammy to say how much i admire your decision to call time.

YOur post a couple up could have been written by me - i did it in the end and i don't spend time regretting that i didn't do it earlier. anyway it's tough but your kids sound switched on and they'll know what's what.

Good luck, it's all a bit wobbly for a while and then it begins to settle down a bit.

Your husband is controlling, and an emotional abuser.

He sees you having friends as a threat, he wants you to feel that you cannot survive without him, he needs to have you believe that you need him, so he cuts you off from everybody else.

He feels threatened that if you tell people what he is like they will tell you he is a manipulator.

Get some advice, if you live in a mortgaged home he should have to leave as you need somewhere to raise your children until they are 18.

I am so sorry to hear of your story with your H.

I had not even half as bad experience as I had no children at the time...

My bf went on to pick his ds up whilst I got ready at his...we didnt live together but were a couple for 2.5yrs and I thought 'he was the 1'. Anyway as I was brushing my hair his answerphone kicked in....'oh Hi my name is X from the dating section on XXX paper I really liked your profile and I would like to meet up for a date. Call me on....' I was gobsmacked!

Like you I was fearful he would finish it and said nothing....3 weeks later he ended it and when I went around that same evening to discuss it he had another gf in his house!! He attacked me punched me in the face and threw my car keys down the street:(

What I am saying is well your H may walk out on you at any time! He may not also....but this is wrong and it will come to a head if not tomorrow or next week but sometime!

Most hear have clarified the way he treated you is not right and clues add up! Like other's said be one step ahead...this is going to be painful whatever way you deal with it (head in sand/PI/confront) but you would not have come and asked if you knew deep down this was nothing! You know the answers you need to gain strength for you and your dc and have as much family or friends around you to get through this!
You are a stronger person and you can come through it your dc will be your rock throughout this!

Sorry Jammy I didnt realise their was a second page...you have moved so fast...so ignore mine:) you are very strong and I admire you!

@Wisedupwoman....thanx

@FabbyChic-You are soo right! He feeds on the fact that I "need" him. He wants me to be dependent on him.

I have never needed to tell people what he is really like....I (up untill recently) always made excuses for him....he's just protective...or he loves me...no it was never any of those things!
He just wanted all the control...control my feelings...my thoughts...total manipulator!!!

I live in social housing...did get the police involved a few wks ago when he wouldnt hand over my passport and kids documents....police officer told me that if he was to do something stupid again,he could get arrested....like not letting me leave the house...he has tried that...if I have tried to avoid an argument by trying to get out of the house he literally would close the bedroom door and not let me pass or on other occassions....locked all the doors and hidden the house & car keys! that's classed as abduction...he could get done for that...and they could help me to get an order against him that would prevent him from entering the house. But he's been very clever this time...usually he starts arguing,using abusive language and smashes the house when he doesn't get his way....he has been very calm lately...surprisingly calm....my guess is that the police has spoken to him and told him the consequences he could face as a result of his actions....like I said he's being really clever.

Bloody hell Jammy, fair play to you for being so strong about this.
FWIW I don't think I would involve your 13yo in this

I agree with Fabby, get some legal advice - at least that way you know exactly where you stand with the house etc, you can't just up sticks that easily anyhow with children in tow

Good luck with it all

Oh x posted with you there Jammy

See a solicitor, asap

@want2sleep.....so sorry to hear about your experience...so sad and awful!!!I hope that you're doing much better now?!
~I knew deep down...but I admit I needed the some reassurance... that it was a fact and not fiction! That what I am feeling and thinking is real and not me over reacting or being silly or unrealistic!
The image he has in the community is...
The Charmer...The really nice guy....The helper....basically you couldnt say anything wrong about him. I would spend my time thinking and believing that it really was me who was not right in the head....that I was the lunatic and I was to blame for everything...every argument....I would feel sooo bad after an argument that I would apologise!!!
He always throws in my face that I get what I want...we've only lived in the new home for about 10 wks...he paid for the carpets and curtains etc...according to him I get what I want because I was lucky enough to be allowed to furnish our new homw the way I wanted it! It's his job!!! He works...earns money...I cook,clean look after our 5 children...I don't work!
I came to realise slowly but surely that this is one of his control tactics!

No more...no more

If he does any more damage to property could you take photos of it etc, it might be useful at some point in the future.

Your story is so moving and very like this lady in today's Guardian magazine. Her abusive husband scared her so much (8 kids, threatened to kill her if she left etc) with possessive rants she stayed indoors for 10 whole years. It ended when he died age 54. She has since remarried happily but what a wasted life.

Please don't let this happen to you and good luck with whatever you decide.

@Shmoz will do....don't think it'll help much though tbh.
can't throw him out as he is a joint tenant! he has equal rights!

thanx

x

@curiouscat
Good God...he's never threatened with killing me....he knows what my brothers would do to him!!!
What a shame for that poor woman....I do relate to her though....I have days where I dont feel like leaving the house....it's questions like:
"where are you going? who are you going with? whos car are you going in? who's joining you and your friend....no I dont like that person...so you're not going!!!"

Re: not involving your 13 year old. I would just urge you to answer any questions she asks honestly. You don't have to tell her anything if you don't want to, but don't tell her anything that isn't true. I tried to protect my dd from news of her father's adultery. She found it very hard to forgive ME! She was right, I should have been more honest with her.

@verlainechasedrimbauds
thank you for sharing that with me...if she were to ask me I would be honest...all the clues are there and thats all I have...clues and gut instinct!!! The rest she knows about and she doesnt approve of her dads behaviour!

yes I second get legal advice asap...doesnt he have to leave and house stays until youngest is 16yrs old? Or he can stay in house but not allowed to harrass you? If he does he has to leave...other MNs here will know more about it!

I hope this does not turn into DV situation...as he shows the signs and has psychologically commited DV it isnt always hitting etc

Nope my situation got worse with the next partner and we seperated 7 yrs ago and ex been classic sociopath and violent to property which only gone quiet last 6 weeks sshhhh I don't want to tempt anything!

She did ask today if we were getting a divorce! I answered as honestly as I could and that was that we need a break from each other just now...and she asked if he didnt want a break,what would I do, where would I go....I said I would go to her nan's and uncles...."well I am coming with you, I am not staying here" she said.
What does that say?

@want2sleep
I live in Scotland...like I said I am 110% sure the police has had a word and he is being clever....not harrasing me in the house. I don't speak to him or let him speak to me unless it involves the kids!
There is nothing I can do really....but will seek legal advice asap.
That's so sad....I hope that things remain and get better for you.
:)

What that says is that "staying together for the sake of the kids" would be a big mistake, because even they don't want you to.