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Original poster

Visited new man's house yesterday AIB picky/snobby?

82 replies

SmellyFooty · 22/04/2011 12:51

Been seeing him for around 3 months. I have a 13 year old son, he has a 14 year old daughter who lives with him. The first time I visited his house it was nice and tidy but it was a pre-arranged visit so he probably tidied up in advance. I then went yesterday which was NOT pre-arranged, he just asked spare of the moment if I'd like to go as his DD was away for the day. I agreed. Thing is I've been a bit put off by it! the living room was full of his DD's stuff, hair straighteners and hair brush just chucked onto the sofa along with make-up and her clothes. The rug was full of crumbs, his dirty socks were on the living room floor and his DD had left tissue paper (obviously used for make-up purposes) stuffed onto the radiator under the mirror also in the living room.
The kitchen was full of dirty pots too (tbf I leave the pots sometimes so this is no big deal but the living room was like a teenagers bedroom).

I've never met his DD but I'm really starting to wonder if I'd get on with her and I know it's his doing and she's just behaving how he allows her to but could you imagine living with that? At the top of the stairs is a chest of drawers with all her clothes chucked all over the top of it. DP says it's because she can't be arsed to put them away so leaves them all at the top of the stairs. She totally seems to take over the house. Its other stuff too though, like just after christmas he bought her an xbox kinect for her birthday which isn't until May. He origianlly said she couldn't have it until May but ended up giving her it in early march. She then told him that it didn't feel like a birthday present as she'd gotten it so early so he bought her a £140 mobile phone - again he gave her it early and is now asking me what he thinks he should get her for her birthday! He told me he gives her a clothing allowance on top of her pocket money but I've noticed he buys her clothes anyway out of his own pocket and yet never questions what she does with this clothing allowance. Also, they live in a two bedroomed house, she has the master bedroom and he is squashed into the single room!!

The thought of us ever living together fills me with dread. I'd never allow my son to take over a house like this. If I can't ever see us living together, it's a bit of a no-go isn't it? or am I being petty??

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 22/04/2011 12:54

few years and she might be off to college!!

greencaveman · 22/04/2011 12:55

If you lived together, presumably with you, him and two opposite sex teenagers, you'd need 3 bedrooms at least. So it wouldn't be in his house whatever happened.

I don't know - it's hard living with someone if you have such different ideas about housekeeping etc. As well, if it's 90% his DD making mess rather than him, I'd cut him some slack. Teenage girls can be incredibly messy (and moody!) and he might be trying to keep the peace/avoid some battles with her. Where is her mum?

So I don't think it's a deal breaker, just keep an eye on things!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/04/2011 12:56

I think you're being petty tbh. It sounds lived in to me, from what you describe the living room could be tidied up in 10 mins max. A front room that you'd have to take an industrial hoover to is off-putting.

Original poster
SmellyFooty · 22/04/2011 12:56

Well he has talked about that but when he did he said "this house is in the perfect location, DD can still get to uni on bus!" he also talks about her proposed place of work being near the house! By the sounds of it he's not planning on her ever moving out! lol

OP posts:
Original poster
SmellyFooty · 22/04/2011 12:58

I live in a 3 bedroomed house so it's likely they'd move in with me. Couldn't be doing with all that mess though! if that was DS he'd be frog marched around the house picking his own crap up!

OP posts:
youmaynotlikethis · 22/04/2011 13:02

how petty,not everyone lives the same as u,your idea of mess maybe different to his

greencaveman · 22/04/2011 13:04

It really isn't petty - people have to feel happy in their own homes and if the OP has a very different idea to her new man and his DD then it could cause a lot of tension.

unluckyinlove · 22/04/2011 13:05

I dont think you're being petty or snobby - we all have different standards, views and opinions. It does sound like his DD is used to having her own way ruling the roost and selfish (re presents)

Anyway, be grateful you saw his house uninvited. It gives a real slant as to family life as opposed to the manufactured tidy up because he knows you're invited and arriving in half an hour.

Taking on new families is never easy, rough with the smooth. You'd have to adjust to his DD same as he would to your DS. You really do have to make an informed decision

IngridBergman · 22/04/2011 13:09

I think you'll find it hard to get along as he clearly has poor boundaries with his dd.
It's not petty. How you raise children is really important in terms of a relationship.

3 months might be a bit early to be thinking about moving in together anyway - but it isn't so late in the day that it'll be hard to end the relationship, which is exactly what I would do based on the info given here.

Has he got other super stunning qualities you appreciate?

differentnameforthis · 22/04/2011 13:44

the living room was full of his DD's stuff, hair straighteners and hair brush just chucked onto the sofa along with make-up and her clothes..... his DD had left tissue paper (obviously used for make-up purposes) stuffed onto the radiator under the mirror also in the living room

It's her house, isn't it?

YusMilady · 22/04/2011 13:45

It's not 'her' house. She's 14.

YusMilady · 22/04/2011 13:47

Sounds like a pigsty tbh. I don't think you're being petty at all. I think the ability to clean up after oneself (do dishes, put tissues in bin) is an admirable quality in a prospective partner and his offspring, frankly.

differentnameforthis · 22/04/2011 13:52

It IS petty! It is her house, and if this is how she lives, she has been allowed to live like this by her father! It is wrong to criticize a child on a snapshot of her life! A teenager at that....they are notorious for mess!

It may be that she was rushing to get out & will tidy up later.

I don't see a problem with him having the smaller room, I assume she spends more time in her room than he does his, and she probably has friends to stay over/entertain. Makes sense her having the bigger room!

Maybe he doesn't want her to move out too soon! It is expensive living in your own home, and if she can live at home & go to uni, why not?

Sorry OP, sounds to me that you want us ot say she is some kind of spoilt brat!

And quite honestly, it has been 3mths. Little too soon to be thinking about who will live where! Although, she is going to feel very uncomfortable living in 'your' house, isn't she!

atswimtwolengths · 22/04/2011 13:54

I don't think you're being petty. I think we all favour someone who lives in a similar way to our own. He probably wouldn't want to live with you if you insisted he was tidier. It could be a constant battle.

His daughter sounds like she'd be a nightmare to live with, to be honest, not because of the dirty tissues, etc, but because of the birthday presents. She obviously has him wrapped around her little finger and that would be very difficult for other people to live with. I don't think he's doing her any favours.

And he did have time to tidy up, didn't he? He could have asked you to come round in half an hour, then vacuumed and picked up the crap.

differentnameforthis · 22/04/2011 13:55

It is her house! She lives there, it is as much as her dad's house! I am sure they would both see it like that!

This is my house, and my dh's, and dd1's & dd2's!

YusMilady · 22/04/2011 13:56

All in all, he doesn't sound very suitable for you OP. It doesn't matter whether you're being petty or not - that's just our irrelevant perception. But the way he lives with his spoilt little madam daughter makes you uncomfortable and fills you with foreboding. Ask him about it and try and thrash it out, or just chuck him back.

YusMilady · 22/04/2011 13:57

Jeez, enough with the exclamation marks differentname. What's the matter, is your house a pigsty too?

TheOriginalFAB · 22/04/2011 13:58

What a person Hmm.

Best finish with him now and stay in your perfectly tidy house.

differentnameforthis · 22/04/2011 14:01

YusMilady.. Eh? Just because I view our home as our home, my house is a pigsty? Hmm

Maybe she is spoilt, maybe there is a good reason for that, but I don't think she or her dad would be happy to know they are being discussed on one of the UK's most popular parenting websites, do you?

And that the op is possibly using the daughter's living standards as a reason to wonder whether the relationship is worth pursuing! If she feels that strongly, maybe they are better of without her!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/04/2011 14:04

I really really don't understand people who find someone really nice and then fart about in here asking if they should dump them because their house is a mess/they don't eat veg/comb their hair the wrong way. DH does things that make me want to chew the furniture in frustration but he's a lovely man, I love him to bits so the minor stuff I can live with. Everyone has their foibles. The people waiting for Mr Perfect to turn up are going to end up on their own. My SIL is testament to that. Had a checklist for her perfect man, met some lovely people but none were good enough because they didn't earn enough or didn't like sailing, or didn't work in the right environment. This is all by her own admission. She's 38 and single, children are looking unlikely and now she regrets it.

YusMilady · 22/04/2011 14:04

Nah, it was just all the exclamation marks - they made you sound VERY VERY ANGRY, almost as though the OP's objections to the levels of tidiness and hygiene had touched a nerve with you. And I still think that a 14 year old should be picking up after herself and not leaving dirt and mess everywhere. That's not a radical idea, is it?

atswimtwolengths · 22/04/2011 14:05

Well, it's certainly something I'd take into account before living with someone, differentnameforthis, wouldn't you? It's only realistic, isn't it?

LilQueenie · 22/04/2011 14:06

Sounds like my dad and sister. She has moved on to college but still pesters him for money. He cant finish doing up the house because its up to her apparantly! Her colour scheme, her choice of furniture. She got a 2yr contract phone and was supposed to switch it to her bank account after a month...she wont provide the card details and is running up a massive bill on my dads account. he buys her alchohol and her room is a disgrace. Black marker on the walls. Its more like a public toilet.

If she has run off the house now its unlikely he will change. He needs to be an adult. It may be her house but there comes respect for it too.

YusMilady · 22/04/2011 14:07

Gosh yes. Don't for gawd sake get left on the shelf.

DollyTwat · 22/04/2011 14:07

3 months is quite soon to be thinking of moving in with someone IMO. Why dOnt you give it a bit longer and get to know them both a bit better?
You don't have to live together to go out with each other