Visited new man's house yesterday AIB picky/snobby?

[SmellyFooty]

Been seeing him for around 3 months. I have a 13 year old son, he has a 14 year old daughter who lives with him. The first time I visited his house it was nice and tidy but it was a pre-arranged visit so he probably tidied up in advance. I then went yesterday which was NOT pre-arranged, he just asked spare of the moment if I'd like to go as his DD was away for the day. I agreed. Thing is I've been a bit put off by it! the living room was full of his DD's stuff, hair straighteners and hair brush just chucked onto the sofa along with make-up and her clothes. The rug was full of crumbs, his dirty socks were on the living room floor and his DD had left tissue paper (obviously used for make-up purposes) stuffed onto the radiator under the mirror also in the living room.
The kitchen was full of dirty pots too (tbf I leave the pots sometimes so this is no big deal but the living room was like a teenagers bedroom).

I've never met his DD but I'm really starting to wonder if I'd get on with her and I know it's his doing and she's just behaving how he allows her to but could you imagine living with that? At the top of the stairs is a chest of drawers with all her clothes chucked all over the top of it. DP says it's because she can't be arsed to put them away so leaves them all at the top of the stairs. She totally seems to take over the house. Its other stuff too though, like just after christmas he bought her an xbox kinect for her birthday which isn't until May. He origianlly said she couldn't have it until May but ended up giving her it in early march. She then told him that it didn't feel like a birthday present as she'd gotten it so early so he bought her a £140 mobile phone - again he gave her it early and is now asking me what he thinks he should get her for her birthday! He told me he gives her a clothing allowance on top of her pocket money but I've noticed he buys her clothes anyway out of his own pocket and yet never questions what she does with this clothing allowance. Also, they live in a two bedroomed house, she has the master bedroom and he is squashed into the single room!!

The thought of us ever living together fills me with dread. I'd never allow my son to take over a house like this. If I can't ever see us living together, it's a bit of a no-go isn't it? or am I being petty??

Its not the DD I'm concerned about Tethers, I've just said she could be a lovely girl. It's his parenting that I'm concerned about. I honestly don't think we'd see eye to eye on it at all.

I have nothing to be jealous over - that baffles me to be honest! Jealous of what exactly? I already have a kinect and a cool phone pmsl

I think it could be a simple case of them getting used to living like that. He isnt bothered about her stuff all over the place and neither is she, so thats how it is.

I know alot of women who keep their hair and makeup stuff in the bathroom instead of their rooms. I do my makeup in the lounge when we go out as the light is better. I can do that because I am the woman of the house! In this case, so is she.

I am sure that if you all lived together then you would come to an arrangement about communal space and respect. At the moment it isnt an issue as it isnt your home, but if you do end up discussing moving in as a real possibility then you would need to bring it up then.

Worrying about it now is, as my granny would say "a bit previous" :o

I think this man sounds like a lovely caring Dad. what is wrong with him making sure his DD is happy on holiday?
Every holiday I have ever booked, I think of the DC first. There's no point in going to a place unsuitable for teenagers.

I don't think you can judge his parenting ability based on just seeing the house without having met her and seeing how they interact. If you have a great relationship with him then maybe you can work on the 'house rules' when/if you move in together. The birthday present thing sounds more off-putting than the untidiness to me - that sounds like he doesn't know how to (or is scared to) say no to her. But if it were me I would wait to meet her and get to know them both.
The thing about looking for the perfect man is, what if when you meet him he's looking for the perfect woman?

Btw, Prunhilda: I had a boyfriend who sat naked with his flatmate and two rats, and pissed in fanta bottles and used them as doorstops.

has to go up for Quote of the Week

Sounds like my house - and that's my own mess

Look, if this matters to you then it's a dealbreaker. We've all got them! You don't need us to tell you how you feel.

Send his daughter to live with me

Was it actually dirty (apart from the crumbs?) or just untidy? I think untidiness can be relatively easily influenced, but I couldn't do filth.

I'm a bit of a neat freak but some people have different standards. I remember visiting DP's brother and his wife's house, she 6 months pregnant but no DCs yet, and it was not only untidy but dirty as well. Used sanitary towels in the wastepaper basket type bathroom bin that looked like they had been there for a while, chicken carcass left out for days on the kitchen table, biscuit and sandwich wrappers just chucked on the living room floor when finished with - I was really shocked. That I could not live with.

Re-read your most recent post and I am wondering if you are investing too much at this stage.

You have only been seeing him for 3 months, and already you are talking about next years holiday and what will have to change if you live together.

She is his daughter who lives with him, of course he will put her first. I am sure that you wouldnt like a man expecting you to put him before your own child, and such a man would get short shrift on here!

Maybe you need to chill out a bit and stop anticipating the future.

What does your son make of all this OP? Does he live with you? Is the plan that all four of you (eventually) move in together?

I think it's daft not to think about the future. When you are no longer in your 20's why would you be in a relationship where you didn't think about the future?

SmellyFooty - I don't know if people are deliberately ignoring what you are saying or if they are just a bit... errrm.... dense. You each have a child and IF you were to all live together you would have to be able to rub along with each others parenting, ideals, lifestyle - you are saying you have seen what he is like and you don't think you would be a good 'fit' together. You wisely realise that leopards don't change their spots.

It's one thing to put your children first - it's quite another to only think of one child when something affects 2 children AND 2 adults.

He seems to either be scared of upsetting her or have her on a Little Princess Throne - neither would fit in with my outlook on life and I wouldn't think he should change - so c'est la vie.... I think I'd call 'NEXT' before it did get too serious and so much harder to go our own ways.

Hatesponge, garlicbutter I have said to you both before I'd love to come for coffee - YOUR mess in YOUR house doesn't bother me AT ALL. I just wouldn't choose to live with someone whose 'ideals' were so far from mine - whether that was more 'untidy' or 'more anal'... but as for visiting, if I can find your kettle and shove the stuff aside to sit down - it's all good

Part of me thinks you're overthinking this - when I first started seeing my DP his house/car/self was always clean and tidy...fast forward a couple of months and I realised he was busting a gut to present himself like this as he is not a naturally tidy person!
Should the day come that you do decide to live together/go on holiday together, you will need to negotiate those boundaries and compromises. To be fair it is not reasonable for a very tidy person to expect everyone else to share their values either.
However, your attitude does seem a bit confrontational about this. Many teens (and non teens) can be messy, but it doesn't automatically mean they are disrespectful or horrible. But if you enter into this relationship and try to dictate terms to this chap or his daughter I doubt you'll get off to a good start.
On the other hand, if this seems like a real deal breaker for you now, perhaps you should save yourself the heartache of a struggle over this.

A lot of what you have said I could also say about my DP and his daughter, maybe its a bit indulgent, but if they are all happy and otherwise well adjusted, I don't see the harm in it. One year we had already bought the kids their Xmas pressies, but DD really really wanted a Nintendo, so he got one for her - it bust the budget, but it made them both happy. My DSD is not at all a brat and is not particularly materialistic.

I had an ex who's house made me queasy. I wish I'd listened to my gut early on and got rid. It's not about snobbery, its about comfort and home. As for the 3 pressies, again, run for the hills, he sounds inept

Note to self: heed own advice. Or accept the hypocrisy

If she only decided to go out at the spur of the moment, the clothes pulled out of drawers/make up/hair stuff may be due to that? I'm not very messy but if I have to get ready in a rush I'll leave without putting things away and often return surprised to see what a bomb site I inadvertently created! (I have a 3 month old though, this only happened rarely when I just had myself to look after.)

The birthday present and master bedroom thing would concern me though. There might be a good reason why she needs the bigger bedroom but its a bit of a red flag.

Sorry bit of a rush, pasta burning.

It is only natural to care about a holiday being suitable for your child but the point is here, he wasn't interested in anyone else. For example he said she liked horse-riding so I suggested we find somewhere that had horse riding facilities. He was over the moon. I said DS liked watersports. He reacted by saying "oh no, DD doesn't like water sports, we can give that a miss". When I pointed out to him that it was equally important that DS enjoy the holiday and it wouldn't be totally centered around his DD he seemed quite suprised and confused!! He eventually said "oh no, course not! we need to go places DS will enjoy too" but surely he should have realised that before I pointed it out?

I need to post and run, been there done that, honestly don't go there, it is a MASSIVE issue and will make the 4 of you very unhappy, if having to live together is an essential part of this, then you should end it now.

He sounds like he is massively overcompensating for something. He is obsessed with his dd - spoiling her is an understatement.

Something is very wrong with the dynamic here. It would have me .

Also where are you in all this/ is he bringing you into the family 'for' his dd? Are you going to be expected to wait on her every whim?

I don't think this relationship (him and hois dd) is at all healthy. I would certainly hesitate to be entering the family dynamic when it's shocking as it is.

Please protect yourselves and follow your instincts - this doesn't sound good at all.

I have to say I thought maybe you were being a bit unfair in your judgements when I read your OP. At my last property I gave my toddler DS the biggest room, simply because he had lots of large toys and I turned it into a bit of a playroom for him.

But reading your post about the holiday, I think you are right to be worried. He seems so wrapped up in his DD that he was completely dismissive of your DS needing to enjoy himself too. I think that would probably be a sign of things to come in the relationship, his DD coming first at the expense of your DS.

Run rabbit run rabbit run run run..

Well, it all depends. I think a lot of people would/do think my dd is spoilt/messy/too much stuff/no boundaries. Her friends & cousins are treated far more strictly in many ways. BUT - I've been v. shocked at how selfish a lot of them are about sharing, taking turns, being a good friend even when it's not much fun, etc. I KNOW my dd wouldn't do that to her friends. I think how she treats people is much more important than how she treats things. If the latter upsets the former, prob. needs some change.

OP - reading your later post, I get your point about parenting styles and concern it goes a bit beyond a bit of spoiling.
What do you think? Give it a bit more time or cut and run?

Sorry, but you are ott picky imo, critical to a degree that is alarming about this man's DD and very inclined to be judgey.

Maybe you should cool your engines and read about blended families before you get involved in picking his relationship with his DD apart and making any decisions about moving in together? There's a good book called 'Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today's Blended Family' by Susan Wisdom and Jennifer Green.

You need to examine your expectations and try to understand what's biting you here.

OK, so a bit of back pedalling on the Bogey-Bike!!

His attitude about the holiday would be a concern. I would be thinking "hmm...2 kids.... one likes X and the other likes Y....where can we go that would suit them both and also has Z for me and Bloke?" His total lack of consideration about your DS would worry me but......

How long has it been just him and his DD? What was the situation that led to him being the parent with care? It could be that he is just so used to considering her above all else that it became second nature, he didnt after all continue to dismiss your DS after you had pointed out that your DS has needs too. It could be that he just needs reminding and/or teaching that becoming a family will mean adding you and your DS to his list of priorities rather than you and DS becoming members of the DD fan club.

I am also back pedalling about the fact that his has only been 3 months. Perhaps some "How do you see the future" conversations would be in order, if only to point out your concerns. How he reacts to your worries will be very telling and will probably give you a good idea of whether it is a good idea to finish now or give it a real go. :)

You have made your mind up about his DD without even meeting her

Agreed! A bit of mess, the bigger bedroom, a lot of clothes, dad expecting her to like a holiday destination.....and she 'rules the roost'.

I really think you are over thinking it!