Visited new man's house yesterday AIB picky/snobby?

[SmellyFooty]

Been seeing him for around 3 months. I have a 13 year old son, he has a 14 year old daughter who lives with him. The first time I visited his house it was nice and tidy but it was a pre-arranged visit so he probably tidied up in advance. I then went yesterday which was NOT pre-arranged, he just asked spare of the moment if I'd like to go as his DD was away for the day. I agreed. Thing is I've been a bit put off by it! the living room was full of his DD's stuff, hair straighteners and hair brush just chucked onto the sofa along with make-up and her clothes. The rug was full of crumbs, his dirty socks were on the living room floor and his DD had left tissue paper (obviously used for make-up purposes) stuffed onto the radiator under the mirror also in the living room.
The kitchen was full of dirty pots too (tbf I leave the pots sometimes so this is no big deal but the living room was like a teenagers bedroom).

I've never met his DD but I'm really starting to wonder if I'd get on with her and I know it's his doing and she's just behaving how he allows her to but could you imagine living with that? At the top of the stairs is a chest of drawers with all her clothes chucked all over the top of it. DP says it's because she can't be arsed to put them away so leaves them all at the top of the stairs. She totally seems to take over the house. Its other stuff too though, like just after christmas he bought her an xbox kinect for her birthday which isn't until May. He origianlly said she couldn't have it until May but ended up giving her it in early march. She then told him that it didn't feel like a birthday present as she'd gotten it so early so he bought her a £140 mobile phone - again he gave her it early and is now asking me what he thinks he should get her for her birthday! He told me he gives her a clothing allowance on top of her pocket money but I've noticed he buys her clothes anyway out of his own pocket and yet never questions what she does with this clothing allowance. Also, they live in a two bedroomed house, she has the master bedroom and he is squashed into the single room!!

The thought of us ever living together fills me with dread. I'd never allow my son to take over a house like this. If I can't ever see us living together, it's a bit of a no-go isn't it? or am I being petty??

I don't think you are being petty at all.
His inability to deal with his dd and to set minimum standards for expectations and also for tidying up a bit after herself - it's not going to go well if you did ever decide to live together.

(I grew up with my dad - no WAY did we live like that.)

atswimtwolengths Wouldn't be the most important thing, no. I mean it is messy, isn't it. Not dirty. Mess can be tidied up.

I wasn't talking about the untidyness - blinking heck you should see our place.

I was much more concerned about his tendency to give in to blackmail on her part regarding her three birthday presents. She is treating him like he's stupid and he's allowing it - what is he trying to compensate for?

Not just the mess, differentname, as I said above, it would be the birthday present and her sense of entitlement that would do it for me.

Christ I think you sound terribly judgemental, especially with regard to your concern that his daughter may live at home when she starts university. I personally think that it is commendable that he is more than happy for her to stay at home, and is still a major consideration post 18.

Yes the house sounds like a tip, however teenage girls can cause havoc within minutes. I am a neat freak, however the mess you describe sounds like something which could be tidied pretty quickly.

Yes I would go nuts if dd stuffed a tissue down the back of the radiator, but I have caught her being lazy (piling all her clothes up at the bottom of the wardrobe because she can't be arsed to hang them up). I do get pissed off with her mess however she is an angel in every other respect, so I let her scruffiness go.

YABVU to judge him on what he spends on his dd. She is his only child by the sounds of it, what is the issue that he spends money on her? Presumably he can afford it. I spend a lot of money on dd, however it doesn't mean she is spoilt. I think there is a strange opinion sometimes on MN that frugality is the optimum state, and there is a lot of judgement on those who fritter money on their kids. If you can afford to spend, and the kids earn their treats, what's the problem?

Plus I think you are nuts to be considering moving in so quickly - if you have been seeing each other 3 months it is far too soon, especially as you both have children. I was with DP for over two years before we moved in together, you have to get to know people and not unsettled your kids I think.

You have been with him 3 months and you already want to change his lifestyle and relationship with his daughter. It is doomed. You cannot change them and in the context of his behaviour as a father I am not sure you have the right to. Plenty more fish in the sea (or learn to compromise - it is up to you).

I'd have thought it all depends on what you and your new bloke's relationship is actually like.....its interesting that you dont actually mention this anywhere: whether you are deliriously happy, OK, having doubts anyway or whatever.

That for me would be the thing that made me decide whether I'd want to live with someone in the longer term, not a messy teenager. If my DH had judged me in the way you are judging him, he'd have dumped me very early on as my DD is stunningly untidy. But he didnt, and we're very happy.

When two people - especially when they both have children - move in together, there has to be an awful lot of letting things go that would normally really wind you up, lots of adjusting to each others' different lifestyles etc and you dont seem terribly keen to go down that route.

In the end, only you can decide of course

It would certainly be making me think twice about the situation. I don't care how anyone else lives in their own home, if I can shove your mess to one side to sit down and find the kettle that's all good and well in your house but when it comes to my house that's different. I couldn't live like that.

You could debate all day about whether the house is the parents house or everyone's house equally - quite frankly my opinion is that I pay the mortgage and what I say goes. 'That would be no hair straightners, makeup and crap being used in the lounge - you have a bedroom, use it'. I keep my crap in my room and I don't want anyone else's all over the house either.

She has the master bedroom, has shite all over the house, has a set of drawers at the top of the stairs (why when she has the master bedroom??) and that is piled with clothes on top ... he really doesn't seem to set any boundaries with her?! She's highly unlikely to take very well to being told it's not how things are going to be if you all move in together is she?

Does he set any other boundaries with her or is she allowed to do as she pleases with everything else as well?

She clearly runs rings around him with the presents/demands as well.

It sounds like he's allowing her to turn into a right little nightmare and I wouldn't be in a hurry to get any closer to him until we had talked an awful lot more about our differences/expectations etc.

3 months isn't a long time - but I can't see the point in wasting time in a relationship that doesn't have the potential to be longterm myself - not when you are no longer in your teens/early 20's.

If a house is full of love and happiness, who give a toss about some mess or the crumbs being on the floor a few days - well, clearly some do, but I wouldn't. Not that this sounds like a happy house.

The subtext here seems to be that you want the man, you would prefer his DD to be out of the way, stuff not in evidence, tucked away in the small bedroom.

Yes it may be that Dad is not parenting her well - she is the loser in this. We all know that children ask constantly and those that get have no reason to change this behaviour. You not showing a scrap of sadness that a 14 year old, living without her Mum, ends up living in mess and getting material things when perhaps she craves something else as well would seem to show that this is not a family you should be joining.

If I was 14 and was allowed to drop things at will, never tidy up, accept more money than is strictly fair as pocket money / clothing allowance, have the biggest room and get 3 'big' birthday presents staggered over 6 months, I would. So would most young teenagers who hadn't been taught otherwise.

I don't know the circumstances for her living with her dad and not h mum but in my experience, single dads do tend to over-compensate in terms of gifts/leniance (sp) etc almost as compensation for not being a mum. Perhaps your DP lacks the confidence to employ more serious decline for fear of alienating her?

I think he does need to start setting some boundaries and maybe he is aware of this too but nervous abou it. I think that rather than judge or run away horrified, you should take time to meet his DD with an open mind and then in time, if it feels appropriate, maybe find a subtle way to offer your support in getting some boundaries in place.

Op, where's mum? Why does she live with her dad?

It's been three months and you are critical of how much he spends on his daughter, what presents he buys her, why she has the bigger room, why she spreads her stuff out all over the place and how untidy it is on only the second time you go there?

Perhaps it was her time to tidy and he was leaving it until she got back rather than run around behind her?

You are already considering moving in with this man when there are children on both sides to consider?

He may be daft in how he treats his daughter, what she gets away and how he spoils her but you are daft to be considering moving in together so soon!

First off, call me old fashioned and nitpicky over semantics, but I don't think it is his DD's house, although it is certainly her home.
I also don't think the OP is being judgemental exactly (okay, yes she is, but I refuse to believe that all the Mumsnetters who leap on judging never do it themselves), but I think it's a good thing really.
However nice this man is, if their fundamental ideas and ways of doing things are so different, it is best to find out early.
Doesn't make either of them wrong, it just means they're probably incompatible.

Of course she is being judgemental, she has to judge whether or not it's worth continuing the relationship.

She isn't considering moving in with him, she said 'If I can't ever see us living together, it's a bit of a no-go isn't it?' which is totally different.

If she thought the way he deals with his dd is absolutely fine she wouldn't have started the thread - of course she has to judge whether or not it is, in order to work out if she wants to be with him.

I mean, I had a boyfriend who sat naked with his flatmate and two rats, and pissed in fanta bottles and used them as doorstops. Not harming anyone, but I consider it well within my remit to reject him based on that. I guess on here I'd get sniffy posts suggesting I ought to have been less choosy.

No Prun, I could live with the naked and maybe the rats, but pissy fanta doorstop would be a del breaker for me too

There was more
I often wonder what happened to him.

Im just sitting here chuckling at the OP thinking/talking about moving in with a man shes been having a relationship with for 3 months !

You sound like a nightmare tbh

Op, you seem to have massive issues with your DP's DD.

You sound a bit jealous, TBH.

I don't think this is about the tidiness of the house at all.

I wouldn't find the house that big an issue. My house is a tip most a lot of the time, hence I never have people round spontaneously, unless it is on a day when I have just done housework!

BUT clearly it is important for the OP to live in a tidy, ordered, house. Doesn't sound like it is for this man or his daughter. Which doesn't have to be a big issue unless you want to live together at some point in the future, because then there clearly will be a clash of views.

Of course as was said upthread, you don't have to live together. Lots of couples don't, and find it works v well. I have only lived with 1 man (ex-p) and after that awful experience am not sure I ever want to again. A man would have to be very special indeed to live under my roof!

If I were the OP, I would be thinking whether I could be happy long term not living with this man, and if the answer for whatever reason was no, then I would be rethinking the relationship as a whole. If tidiness etc is a high priority for one person and not for the other, I'm not sure how it can work without huge compromise which neither side may be willing to offer.

Her leaving clothes on the stairs... did you see her bedroom? Probably not, but next time you go over check if she actually has the room for the clothes. Her having the bigger bedroom mightn't be just because she wanted it/rules the roost or whatever, but because she needs a lot of space for her clothes (if she has a clothing allowance per week/month and he buys her clothes, she must get plenty of new clothes per month - this on top of teenagers in general not being great at cleaning out their clutter and things they don't need any more, and they'll build up quickly.

Yes, YABU and petty. It's a home that's lived in, and as for you wondering if you'd get on with her... well, I suppose if you don't he can always ditch you for someone else.

Ooh that 'check if she actually has room for the clothes' I didn't mean march up there to inspect her room... ignore that part. I meant 'she might not have room for the clothes' or something along those lines
baby brain...

You are ticked off with a teenager's mess because you're wondering how it will impact you when you move in with her father? He might be a truly crap parent, I don't know, but you've got this all backwards. If you end things because you have incompatible parenting styles, that is probably sensible. However, hoping to get DD out of the way at 18 so you can have her father living the way you like comes across as machiavellian, selfish and unrealistic.

i have a dd of similar age, she can be very messy IF allowed to get away with it!!! Not sure it should be a relationship breaker, she is part of his life and comes with him

Can I just point out that the only reason I mentioned the living at home post 18 thing is because I was replying to someone saying she might be off to college in a couple of years! Of course I won't be sat there with a suitcase for her the day she turns 18!!
And I'm not considering moving in with him at all - but he has mentioned that it "could" be an idea for the future but when I saw the house yesterday all I could do was imagine the arguments we'd have! I mean, the 3 birthday presents - we'd be constantly arguing over money for a start! would she expect the master bedroom here? I think not! I would NOT put up with shit thrown all over the house. I'm not a neat freak but there is a line and I think at 14 (or even 6 ffs) a child should be able to pick up after themselves.
The clothes at the top of the stairs - well she has plenty of room for the clothes to go considering she has a huge chest of drawers IN her bedroom as well as a double wardrobe with drawers AND the drawers on the landing are hers!! I don't really care about the clothes chucked all over her bedroom floor, that IS what teenagers do but what bothered me was the way she seems to take over the entire house. I mean you expect to see a few of her things lying around, a pair of shoes or a coat on the back of a chair for instance but it was literally like a second bedroom. It was everywhere.
I mean at the end of the day if they want to live like that then fair enough and yes, at 14 if someone had offered me a clothing allowance that I didn't need to spend on clothes put 3 big birthday presents plus the master bedroom I would've took it! course I would! so would DS! but that's were a bit of parenting comes in, surely.
I do like this man, he's very kind to me and do share a lot of similar interests but I just could not see myself living with a teen who was so used to ruling the house. It would drive me insane. I mean, we were discussing a holiday to Greece for next year perhaps if we met the kids and everyone got on etc but I noticed everytime we spoke about it all he seemed concerned about was what was there for his DD. What would her room be like? would SHE like the entertainment, would SHE like the activities - he didn't really seem that bothered about what anyone else thought as long as everything was centered around his DD.
Don't get me wrong, I've never met her and she could be a lovely girl but I'm not of the parenting school where the kids rule the roost and this would be extremely difficult for me to cope with. I don't want to try and change them either. I suppose the answer is obvious then, I'm just a bit gutted to be honest and I was kind of hoping you would all say I was being silly but I see some do agree with me on this one.

You have made your mind up about his DD without even meeting her.

You sound petty and jealous.