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Original poster

DH has confessed to a one night stand 6 years ago, before we were married. What do I do?

120 replies

windsgonefrommysails · 18/04/2011 04:24

Well I never thought I'd be posting here.

I've been with DH for 9 years and we're pretty much had a great relationship. We've had some ups and downs of course like most couples, but mostly its been great. We've now been married for coming up to 4 years, and we have 2 DDs.

Anyway, a week ago he confessed to having a one night stand about 6 years ago, so when we had been together for around 3 years. I have been through a whirlwind of emotions from complete rage to absolute hurt. I want this relationship to work because I can't imagine life without him, but I don't know how to. We have had a counselling session (my idea but he arranged it almost immediately as he says he wants us to work it out too). We are going to have more together as a couple but also probably separately.

I believe him that he is sorry, and also that it was a one off. But the thing is he only admitted to having had a one night stand at all because I had pretty concrete proof (he gave me a STI which I have only just found out about and now been treated for). So really I can't be sure that it was a one-off because its difficult to trust him. The trust issue is huge for me because I have always trusted him completely and before this he had never given me a reason not to, so I feel now like there is a question mark over our whole relationship and I'm not sure how well I know him anymore as this goes completely against the kind of person I have always known him to be.

I have wanted to know all the details, and he has answered all my questions. He says he had completley blocked it from his mind as he was so ashamed of himself for what he had done, and that it is difficult for him to think about it as its the biggest mistake he has ever made. He says he can't tell me why though as he says he doesn't know. He said he loved me at the time and had no doubts about our relationship. It sounds as though it practically fell in his lap and I am so hurt that he sucumbed so easily. He also says that he loves me now more than ever and it would never happen again.

I am really sruggling with this. What do I do? How do we rebuild the trust, and am I making too big a thing of it as it was so long ago?

OP posts:
loveruthwatson · 18/04/2011 06:17

You only just found out about the STI recently? But they test you for everything during pregnancy - everything. So if he's saying this one night stand (and the STI), predate your DDs I'm afraid he might be lying.

Also, having an STI for six years can do terrible damage - even chlamydia can turn very very nasty over that time frame. Will you suffer any longterm effects?

I can't really advise about the rest because the chronology is unclear to me. If you had your DDs more than six years ago I'd still be doubtful you'd had an STI for that long and not noticed any symptoms.

Does the ONS he's admitting to predate your pregnancy?

disgustedtunbridgewells · 18/04/2011 06:58

They don't test for everything during pregnancy. That's bollocks. They would have to take vaginal swabs for that.

Haven't got any advice OP but didn't want misinformation to cloud your thoughts.

loveruthwatson · 18/04/2011 07:06

They took swabs for me - I was tested for chlamydia, gonnorhea, herpes, HIV (had to consent seperately for that), syphillis etc etc. No special reason, the MW said they tested everyone.

Lots of 'quiet' STDs can be transmitted to DCs during birth too - I find it unlikely that someone could go through two pregnancies and births and be infected with a STD the whole way through which was not detected. Soz.

loveruthwatson · 18/04/2011 07:17

Though actually, not sure it matters that much. If he is telling the truth then he cheated on OP and didn't use a condom, endangering her life and their DCs lives. What if he'd caught HIV and not something which can be easily treated/cured?

So her emotional and physical wellbeing completely undermined, and he 'blocks it out'? His shame is more important than the OP's health? For me, it would be a dealbreaker - the six years of lying as much as anything.

Pancakeflipper · 18/04/2011 07:17

You are not making an issue out of it. He's just rewritten your history and shifted your entire relationship.

You will have to go through every emotion so don't be impatient with yourself. it's not going to be fun.

It sounds like you both want to get things on track but he has to accept it won't be exactly the same. He has to accept your trust in him will never be there fully again and you have to accept the same. But at the same time having it hanging over the relationship can be crushing. So you are doing the right thing with counselling.

Having said that - you could possibly learn alot from this and make a stronger relationship. I think it's too early to tell yet and I think it will come clear to you what you want to do.

ButterpieandCheese · 18/04/2011 07:18

With me, they tested my wee for some - chlamydia I think - and my blood for others - that included at least syphillis and HIV, but pretty sure there was more.

I think they asked me if I wanted testing for anything else, but I had had tests recently anyway for probelms with my periods, so I declined. I think - can't remember - but they definitely tested for at least chlamydia, syphillis and HIV as standard.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 18/04/2011 07:32

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's a really horrible thing to have to deal with. It's even more complicated than finding out he had one last week.

I agree with Pancakeflipper though.

Please don't make any decisions based on misinformation that they test everyone for everything - they don't. As with all medical things, it's different depending where you live etc.

loveruthwatson · 18/04/2011 07:41

I stand corrected OP, they do not test for 'everything' everywhere - but they do test for a lot of things, is what you were diagnosed with on the list?

Anyway, counselling seems like a good idea. But he needs to be honest, and after lying to you every day for six years, that might be a hard one.

RudeEnglishLady · 18/04/2011 08:08

Sorry, I'm another one who does not believe him. I am really struggling to see how you got through 2 pregnancies without anyone finding this STI. What is it, if you don't mind me asking?

"It sounds as though it practically fell in his lap" I don't buy this either. I'm pretty sure I could resist any offers of sex when in a relationship and have spent my adult life, thus far, doing so. What a shit.

If I found out I'd been given an STI and carried it through pregnancy I would be not responsible for my actions - seriously, the man would be in danger. I could not and would not come back from that.

Sorry - you're head must be reeling with all this.

RudeEnglishLady · 18/04/2011 08:09

'your' even...

LaurieFairyCake · 18/04/2011 08:24

You will need to give it a lot of time, everything has shifted.

Continue with the counselling, keep talking to each other. Explain to your dh that you're going to be angry and hurt for a long time and that may suddenly come out.

One of the things that you will struggle to come to terms with is that your relationship is not as perfect as you thought it was, it is now much more 'real'. Maybe this could lead (in the future, not now, you need to be able to be angry) to a closer relationship.

Him not 'knowing why' means he wasn't particularly connected to his feelings back then, maybe having children has allowed that to happen - and it's entirely possible he loves you more now.

LadyWithNoManors · 18/04/2011 08:32

i'm pretty sure that i wasn't tested for Chlamydia during my 3 pregnancies - I had a blood test for HIV etc but no urine test.
Just a thought.

OP maybe you could call his bluff and say you were tested for the STI during pregnancy and se if he fesses up. It's worth a try.
Personally I'm not sure if I could get over this - especially if you find out that the cheating was actually post children.

ScarlettWalking · 18/04/2011 08:33

How did you get through all this time with a dormant STI? They test you through pg and you would have felt symptoms even of the "quiet" infections after all those years!

The affair is recent!

oldenoughtowearpurple · 18/04/2011 08:38

If I'd had a one night stand six years ago that was a one off and that I deeply regretted, and had a wonderful loving relationship now I wouldnt' tell my DP. I would keep it locked away in the past and learn from my mistake. I wouldn;t want to hurt DP or to jeprodise my relationship or my family.

He may be telling the truth; imho the more he tells you about it - when and where and why and so forth - and if the STI story stacks up then I would be inclined to believe him. You know he loves you. Give him a chance.

disgustedtunbridgewells · 18/04/2011 08:52

Yes, I had bloods done for HIV and syphilis IIRC and that was it. And some STIs can be dormant for years (chlamidia springs to mind). But the OP will have to tell us more before we know whether this is as it seems or whether he's bullshitting.

ScaredOfCows · 18/04/2011 09:03

They don't test for everything in pregnancy (am an ex-midwife). They only test via vaginal swab if there is a reason to take a swab in the first place, not as routine. Some NHS Trusts may test for Chlamidia now, but not all do. HIV and Syphilis screening has been routinely done across the UK for a good few years now. The easiest way to find out what you were tested for in your pregnancies (if it is relevent for you, since you know what you have just been treated for and may know what you were tested for in your pregnancies anyway) is to request to see your hospital notes.

EggyFucker · 18/04/2011 09:26

I am in two minds about this one

  1. the very convenient "suddenly-remembered ONS" from before children is the bare minimum he will admit to, but the truth is something very different. He is trying to shut you up with something that (he thinks) many women would forgive. If he gets away with hiding what he has really done it will continue

  2. it really was just what he said, and he has learned from his mistake

Tough one, I am very sorry

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 18/04/2011 09:47

I agree with EggyFucker.

I also keep thinking that if you hadn't contracted an STI then would he continue to lie to your face everyday. Do you feel he's telling you the truth now or what he thinks you want to hear?

Xales · 18/04/2011 09:51

I am afraid I agree with Eggy completely about being in 2 minds over this.

It is very convenient that he has told you about a ONS now after he has chosen you to marry and have children with so it is not as big a deal as if he were cheating now Sad.

Without knowing what type of STI it is, whether it has lain dormant for all these years or is a new fresh one no one can really advise you about that.

However I hope it was a mistake and you can get over it if that is what you decide you want.

Good luck!

Original poster
windsgonefrommysails · 18/04/2011 11:30

thanks for your replies. The STI is Chlamidia which I wasn't tested for in pregnancy. However, I have insisted that DH has a full sexual health check and his has just come back as negative (I have seen the results myself as I had already asked him to get the results in writing). I have always been faithful so if I have had it, I can only have got it from him. This means that one of us must have had a false result. We have both already been treated (him as a precautionary before getting his results back as we were both certain that he must have it if I do) . He said he used a condom so it didn't occur to him that he could be putting my health at risk.

I know it all sounds terrible on paper, but he does so many things to show he loves me every day. This is why I am so shocked that he could have done this to me. I also know from how he treats other people that he is usually very honest so I think I believe him that it was just this once, but obviously I can't be 100% sure. I have told him how hard it is for me to beleive anything he says at the moment and he appears to be devasted by it.

The children were born after we were married by the way, so the ONS pre-dates them. DD1 is 2.1 and DD2 is 3 months old

OP posts:
CheekyLittleSox · 18/04/2011 11:32

OP you should have been treated for most things in pregnancy - was the STI you had, on the list that you would have been tested for during pregnancy??

Swabs are taken, Chlamydia, Syphilis, HIV, Gonorrhea are all tested for during pregnancy - so if he said he had this ONS before your children and all your tests came back clear then and then all of a sudden NOW you have an STI - then im affraid he is lying.

You can get over it but you need to find out about what you had and how long you had it because if you'd have had Chlamydia for that long you would have had done damage to your reproductive system, and other things too.

Good Luck.

CheekyLittleSox · 18/04/2011 11:33

x-post!!!!! Sorry!

CheekyLittleSox · 18/04/2011 11:34

I thought Chlamydia was compulsory tested for during pregnancy?

CheekyLittleSox · 18/04/2011 11:35

So.....Your result came back positive but his was negative? So he KNEW he had it and got sorted out prior to telling you???

LeQueen · 18/04/2011 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.