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Original poster

DH has confessed to a one night stand 6 years ago, before we were married. What do I do?

120 replies

windsgonefrommysails · 18/04/2011 04:24

Well I never thought I'd be posting here.

I've been with DH for 9 years and we're pretty much had a great relationship. We've had some ups and downs of course like most couples, but mostly its been great. We've now been married for coming up to 4 years, and we have 2 DDs.

Anyway, a week ago he confessed to having a one night stand about 6 years ago, so when we had been together for around 3 years. I have been through a whirlwind of emotions from complete rage to absolute hurt. I want this relationship to work because I can't imagine life without him, but I don't know how to. We have had a counselling session (my idea but he arranged it almost immediately as he says he wants us to work it out too). We are going to have more together as a couple but also probably separately.

I believe him that he is sorry, and also that it was a one off. But the thing is he only admitted to having had a one night stand at all because I had pretty concrete proof (he gave me a STI which I have only just found out about and now been treated for). So really I can't be sure that it was a one-off because its difficult to trust him. The trust issue is huge for me because I have always trusted him completely and before this he had never given me a reason not to, so I feel now like there is a question mark over our whole relationship and I'm not sure how well I know him anymore as this goes completely against the kind of person I have always known him to be.

I have wanted to know all the details, and he has answered all my questions. He says he had completley blocked it from his mind as he was so ashamed of himself for what he had done, and that it is difficult for him to think about it as its the biggest mistake he has ever made. He says he can't tell me why though as he says he doesn't know. He said he loved me at the time and had no doubts about our relationship. It sounds as though it practically fell in his lap and I am so hurt that he sucumbed so easily. He also says that he loves me now more than ever and it would never happen again.

I am really sruggling with this. What do I do? How do we rebuild the trust, and am I making too big a thing of it as it was so long ago?

OP posts:
electra · 18/04/2011 15:28

Anothermum - what makes you think it's reasonable to assume all 'guys' are the same in their behaviour?

Xales · 18/04/2011 15:37

Is is possible for a man not to get chlamydia?

It seems really strange to me that he had a ONS 6 years ago. Got infected, passed it on to OP, got himself treated, didn't tell OP. Carried on having sex with her all this time and getting her pregnant several times KNOWING he had risked passing on this STI never told her and has never caught it off of her again Hmm

Something really wierd or it is a recent infection and he is not telling her everything.

expatinscotland · 18/04/2011 15:43

I think he's lying. I think he slept with someone far more recently.

electra · 18/04/2011 15:45

Sometimes the test results are not correct. Even if he did get treated years ago, it's highly likely that he would have been reinfected by the person he gave it to in the first place, surely (the OP)?

EggyFucker · 18/04/2011 15:50

I think so too, expat

but I have been accused of being a horribly suspicious man-hater on here, so there you go

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 18/04/2011 16:02

Eggy - they said that about your 'new' name didn't they (and if I remember rightly it was a relatively new person?)? Anyone who 'knows' you, knows you aren't... don't let it affect the way you post on here.

EggyFucker · 18/04/2011 16:03

I don't really, chips

I just let someone else post it first instead of always being the bearer of bad news Wink

kettlecrisps · 18/04/2011 16:05

Sorry to hear of your situation.

I know a specific antibiotic is prescribed for claymdia but also that erythromycin prescribed for chest/throat infections could also cure chalymdia (possibly other antibiotics also). If your husband has had such an antibiotic since the six years ago then maybe his was cured that way? Also if you've had antibiotics for another infection since that time it could be more cause for wondering if this is in fact a more recent infection you've acquired?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 18/04/2011 16:14

Eggy Grin You do start to feel that way a bit when you post on relationships don't you!

EggyFucker · 18/04/2011 16:16

yup

CinnabarRed · 18/04/2011 16:21

I am also very confused. As his test came back negative then something very odd is going on. Because the OP would almost certainly have reinfected him if he'd already been treated once. OP, I think you need to get him retested, on the offchance it was a false negative. Apart from anything else, there's a danger that he is really positive and could reinfect you.

I can't think of any other explanation.

tribpot · 18/04/2011 16:47

windsgonefrommysails, really sorry to read your news. I have to say, like the others I really doubt the veracity of his story - 6 years ago, and he wore a condom and is somehow negative himself? Are you completely sure he's telling you the whole truth? Maybe you are and now you want to deal with the emotional aspects of the one night stand.

I guess on the other hand, he could have accused you of having been unfaithful as that would be a far more plausible explanation based on you having been tested first. Did he have time to make up a lie, or did you confront him straight away?

One thing's for sure: you are not making too big a thing of it, it wasn't him who suggested maybe you were because it was so long ago, was it?

I think in time you can move past this, if that's what you want, but a lot of the legwork to rebuild the trust needs to be his.

tribpot · 18/04/2011 16:54

Also (sorry for the double post) is your GP aware of how long you've been infected for? I wonder if you ought to be examined for any of the complications that can result from it being untreated for so long :(

expatinscotland · 18/04/2011 16:57

He must be very unlucky to have worn a condom, somehow still picked it up (but still testing negative) and passed it on to you.

I used to work as a sexual health peer adviser never heard of anyone catching that whilst using a condom properly. I'm sure it can happen, but using a condom properly significantly decreases the likelihood of transmission.

Hmm
TheOriginalFAB · 18/04/2011 17:01

Can anyone answer a question for me please? When I was 20 I went to hospital and was told I had an infection in my fallopian tubes. I was given antibiotics but didn't take the whole course as I really struggled with taking the tablets and didn't know I really had too. Has anyone got any idea what it was I had? I know it is probably almost impossible to say.

expatinscotland · 18/04/2011 17:03

You very possibly had chlamydia, as this can cause pelvic inflammatory disease/infection of the reproductive organs. It's a common cause of infertility from Fallopian tubes blocked by scar tissue.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/04/2011 17:09

There's something wierd about this whole thing. As others have said, the OP would have reinfected her husband. I don't understand his negative result.

TheOriginalFAB · 18/04/2011 17:10

Really expat Shock? Bloody hell.
I am not sure who from though as I sent my new boyfriend to be tested and I already had been after seeing a previous new man.

expatinscotland · 18/04/2011 17:36

You should have been swapped, tbh, FAB. It's the only way to know if you have chlamydia.

Eurostar · 18/04/2011 17:37

You've been lucky to have had two healthy pregnancies and babies. Your DH needs to understand the risk he has put you all at.

If he wanted to lie he could have said this was caught before he met you which might point to honesty now? I have to say that I'd be very suspicious though.

From Bupa website on Chlamydia
"In women, chlamydia infection can spread to the womb (uterus), ovaries and fallopian tubes and cause pelvic inflammatory disease (PID). Between one and four women in 10 with untreated chlamydia will get PID. PID can damage the fallopian tubes and can increase the risk of being infertile. It can also increase the risk of having an ectopic pregnancy. This is when pregnancy occurs outside the womb, for example in one of the fallopian tubes.

In men, chlamydia infection can spread to the tube that carries urine from the bladder and out through the penis (urethra) or to the prostate gland. It can also cause the tube which carries sperm from the testes (the epididymis) to become blocked. This can affect fertility.

Chlamydia can cause inflammation in the joints, this is known as reactive arthritis or Reiter's syndrome. This complication is more common in men."

expatinscotland · 18/04/2011 17:37

swabbed, sorry!

QuintEggSentialPaints · 18/04/2011 17:45

I honestly dont believe that you have had chlamydia for 6 years, through two pregnancies and without symptoms.... Bollocks to that.

My bet is that he had an affair/ons recently, did not use condom, got infected, had sex with you, infected you, realized he was ill, treated himself, said nothing, and shortly after you had a smear and this was picked up. Meanwhile, his had cleared up. IF his infection was long ago, you would have reinfected him during the last 6 years.

He is lying.

TheOriginalFAB · 18/04/2011 18:06

I should have swapped the boyfriend a lot sooner, expat!

I can't remember that happened other than he inserted his finger and said I had an infection. God knows how he knew from that Hmm.

garlicbutter · 18/04/2011 18:09

Chlamydia is often symptom-free. Women who produce a lot of vaginal mucus when healthy can easily not notice the symptoms even if they occur - this is true of other STIs as well, so it's wise to be extra cautious if you're a well-lubricated, sexually active female.

Chlamydia

STIs main page

Sorry this isn't specifically about you, OP. It amazes me how much misinformation about STIs still gets passed about.

It's quite possible you both had it for 6 years without knowing. You were lucky that neither of you developed complications.

Xales · 18/04/2011 18:21

So should both OP and her H be retested to make sure their results were correct as if he has a false negative he could still have it?