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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has confessed to a one night stand 6 years ago, before we were married. What do I do?

120 replies

windsgonefrommysails · 18/04/2011 04:24

Well I never thought I'd be posting here.

I've been with DH for 9 years and we're pretty much had a great relationship. We've had some ups and downs of course like most couples, but mostly its been great. We've now been married for coming up to 4 years, and we have 2 DDs.

Anyway, a week ago he confessed to having a one night stand about 6 years ago, so when we had been together for around 3 years. I have been through a whirlwind of emotions from complete rage to absolute hurt. I want this relationship to work because I can't imagine life without him, but I don't know how to. We have had a counselling session (my idea but he arranged it almost immediately as he says he wants us to work it out too). We are going to have more together as a couple but also probably separately.

I believe him that he is sorry, and also that it was a one off. But the thing is he only admitted to having had a one night stand at all because I had pretty concrete proof (he gave me a STI which I have only just found out about and now been treated for). So really I can't be sure that it was a one-off because its difficult to trust him. The trust issue is huge for me because I have always trusted him completely and before this he had never given me a reason not to, so I feel now like there is a question mark over our whole relationship and I'm not sure how well I know him anymore as this goes completely against the kind of person I have always known him to be.

I have wanted to know all the details, and he has answered all my questions. He says he had completley blocked it from his mind as he was so ashamed of himself for what he had done, and that it is difficult for him to think about it as its the biggest mistake he has ever made. He says he can't tell me why though as he says he doesn't know. He said he loved me at the time and had no doubts about our relationship. It sounds as though it practically fell in his lap and I am so hurt that he sucumbed so easily. He also says that he loves me now more than ever and it would never happen again.

I am really sruggling with this. What do I do? How do we rebuild the trust, and am I making too big a thing of it as it was so long ago?

OP posts:

KingCnut · 18/04/2011 19:18

This whole thing doesn't make sense! For him to have passed it to you and yet now be 'negative' means he must have already known at some point and have been treated for it, without telling you. But, how come you haven't re-infected him? How likely is it that he caught it whilst wearing a condom- really?!

I'm with Quint. Whatever, there are lies somewhere here...none of this adds up- that must be fairly clear OP?

Celibin · 18/04/2011 19:37

Question on this: if a male gives a female an infection and he intends to stay with her would it not be prudent for her to checked out as then in any contact they have she might pass infection back to him? Sneaky I know but it is called self-preservation If was just one night stand it was years ago and cannot be changed : he probably thought of it as nothing more than that -an emotionless f.. at the time No reflection on you really !! And if he had told you at time he would be fearful you would finish things

Diggs · 18/04/2011 19:47

I wouldnt like to hazard a guess about whether hes telling the truth re the timescale , but i absoluteley dont beleive he used a condom .

BestNameEver · 18/04/2011 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loveruthwatson · 18/04/2011 20:58

But babies can get horrible eye infections if born (vaginally), to a mother with chlamydia. IF he's telling the truth then the OP and their DDs had an incredibly lucky escape. He put their lives at risk. If he used a condom incorrectly/it broke and he got infected anyway, it could just have easily been HIV he caught and passed on.

It sounds unlikely, all of it. Even if he is 100% being truthful he still lied to the OP for six years.

WriterofDreams · 18/04/2011 21:10

Just to add another bit of information to help with the STI issue, it's possible that he got chlamydia but his body cleared it up by itself and he is now immune to it. Not all infections require antibiotics, in fact most of the time the immune system takes care of infections quite effectively.

lenak · 18/04/2011 21:30

Good grief. Sorry you are going through this OP, but please be wary of taking to heart what people on this thread are saying re: the STD. There is a lot of false information.

I would suggest that you go and speak to a specialist sexual health doctor or nurse to get the real facts, but as I understand it:

Chlamydia can be symptom free and not cause any problems for many many years.
As WofD says, chlamydia can clear up spontaneously on its own which would explain your DH's negative test.
Chlamydia is not routinely tested for everywhere either in smear tests or pregnancy. It certainly isn't in my area.

Only you can decide whether you believe your DH and whether you can forgive him if you do. If it was really six years ago, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but only you can decide how you feel about it.

Good luck.

clam · 18/04/2011 21:58

Are we necessarily told during pregnancy/childbirth if we're being tested for anything? I'm sure I was told retrospectively by a medic at some point that I had negative results when tested and when I queried what and why, they said it's routine when taking general bloods/smears to check for other things and that they would only mention an adverse result.
Or am I imagining this??

expatinscotland · 18/04/2011 22:13

I was told I was being tested for HIV and HepC. Was not swabbed for anything, however. Only blood tested.

electra · 18/04/2011 22:17

HIV is actually quite difficult to pass on. I am not trying to trivialise STIs at all, but I object to anyone who says it's just as easy to pass on as chlamydia. It isn't.

stealthcat · 18/04/2011 22:25

It wouldnt be ethical for you to ask the doctor which blood tests were proposed, and then for them not tell you and still go ahead and do the tests regardless.

loveruthwatson · 18/04/2011 23:06

I'm not saying HIV is as easy to contract as chlamydia. I'm saying that he cheated on her, putting her physical and emotional health at risk. He only told her he'd cheated when she discovered she'd contracted a disease, through his actions, which can have awful consequences. And he's said he loved her then, on the day he cheated, and has loved her every one of the days he's lied about it, and loves her now just as much. Is that enough?

He chose to lie for six years and would've lied forever. It doesn't really matter which STD or even that there was one - it's dumb luck it was 'only' chlamydia and their DCs weren't affected (google chlamydia in pregnancy).

If the OP wants to work on repairing their marriage that's great, and I hope it works out for her, but her H HAS to take responsibilty for what he did. The OP isn't "making too big a thing of it".

Oakmaiden · 18/04/2011 23:18

Posters who are questioning how the nusband had a negative result - I am fairly sure that the op says the timeline went like this:

OP has positive result
OP and Husband both start treatment
Husband has test and has negative result (noty hugely surprising as he has started treatment)

Not really proof of anything.

VivaLeBeaver · 18/04/2011 23:20

Drs do definetly take swabs sometimes without saying what they're for. I had swabs taken earlier and GP just muttered that they were to check for "infection". I'm not daft and knew they were STD swabs - but not exactly informed consent is it?

Not every area check for chlamydia in pregnancy as routine - they don't where I work.

Original poster

windsgonefrommysails · 19/04/2011 05:46

thanks for all your replies, I am touched that you have have all taken the time to try to help me.

Just to clarify, DH was tested before he started treatment. He was prescribed the antibiotics because we all fully expected his result to be positive. I don't believe that he knew he had had it and treated himself because there would be no point knowing that I could reinfect him at any time. So he either he had a false result (which can't be tested now), or I had a false result (which can't be tested for now either), his chlamydia cleared up on its own, or it cleared up as the result of him taking antibiotics for something else (he had to take some fairly recently).

At the moment I am much more upset about the cheating than the STI. I am hurt more than I imagined I ever could be, despite the fact that it was a long time ago. I think I believe him that it was a one off, though I am chasing up all the medicals I have had in the last few years (I have had a few for variuos reasons) to see if I was tested without my knowledge. A negative result in any of these would prove a more recent infection. He is helping me do this which must be a good sign surely?

Can anyone help me understand the stages I am likely to go through in re-building the trust between us and how I will know if this is possible. I haven't stopped loving him just because of something he did 6 years ago and want this to work out more than anything. He is also very upset (deservedly I know) and says he wants us to work it out too

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 19/04/2011 07:53

You say you wanted to know all of the details and he gave them to you - thinking back does that tally with anything in your mind? Sometimes things feel a bit odd/weird but you don't really notice or put anyweight in it, but looking back you kind of go 'Ah ha - now that makes sense'.

I was utterly shit at rebuilding the trust ( we are no longer together ) so I'll leave that up to some of the others. Having been through 'this just happened' and 'this happened a couple of years ago' I can tell you it is 'different' to work through when it's old news.

I am so sorry that you can't 'prove' it's old news and not new. It does sound (if it is 'old news'), that he is very sorry and regretful and that you have had an otherwise good relationship. It would be a shame to throw all of that away for one stupid, stupid mistake wouldn't it. I have to say, that in his shoes I wouldn't have told you either, I was would have been incredibly sorry I had done something so fucking stupid and vowed never to do it again.

Original poster

windsgonefrommysails · 19/04/2011 08:03

thanks Chipping. His explanation makes sense and tallies with where we lived at the time and the people we knew. I believe that is is old news and we have had so many good times in the last 6 years that I really don't want to throw everything away, especially as I can see how sorry he is and how ashamed of himself he is. We also have 2 DDs now and I want to keep my family together. However I realise that we will never be truely happy together again if I can't learn to trust him again and that is what I am worried about

OP posts:

EggyFucker · 19/04/2011 08:07

winds, that is for him to worry about, not you

perhaps you could put a time scale on it ?

say 6 months and then reassess

would that take some pressure off you ?

it isn't compulsory that you forgive immediately and totally, and you can change your mind at any time...remember that

LittleWhiteWolf · 19/04/2011 08:31

I have no advice really, but I wanted to wish you luck OP.

TheOriginalFAB · 19/04/2011 10:03

Eggy - were you AF?

EggyFucker · 19/04/2011 11:54

yes, fab

TheOriginalFAB · 19/04/2011 11:59

Nice to have you back, I haven't seen you around for ages.

EggyFucker · 19/04/2011 12:00

have been around, fab, under the name PeterAndreForPM x

UC · 19/04/2011 12:10

Winds, I've read the thread through, and only have one real piece of advice - find yourself a good relationship counsellor, and go for counselling - both of you. You may need to go together and separately, as you'll have issues you'll need to deal with together and apart e.g. you'll have to deal with your anger, which I'm sure will come if it hasn't already, he will have to deal with his feelings of guilt. Together you'll need to discuss how you can rebuild the trust.

In my experience (of his ONS followed by staying together, but never really addressing the issues, followed 10 years later by his affair and our divorce) it's only when both parties want the relationship to survive and are willing to put 100% into working at it that it can...

You'll probably find the counselling difficult and draining but you need to deal with what happened, and why, and how you can both move on. You'll both need to be prepared to look at yourselves and eachother, and listen/talk a lot.

Because also IME, it isn't all one party to blame if something like this happens [prepares to be flamed...] - I remember my counsellor saying that for something like this to happen, there has to be a "gap" in the relationship before a third party (even a ONS) can step in. You need to find the "gap" and see if it can be closed.

Good luck.

TheOriginalFAB · 19/04/2011 12:22

Oh yes, I knew that was you but I hadn't even seen you in that guise for a while.

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