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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has confessed to a one night stand 6 years ago, before we were married. What do I do?

120 replies

windsgonefrommysails · 18/04/2011 04:24

Well I never thought I'd be posting here.

I've been with DH for 9 years and we're pretty much had a great relationship. We've had some ups and downs of course like most couples, but mostly its been great. We've now been married for coming up to 4 years, and we have 2 DDs.

Anyway, a week ago he confessed to having a one night stand about 6 years ago, so when we had been together for around 3 years. I have been through a whirlwind of emotions from complete rage to absolute hurt. I want this relationship to work because I can't imagine life without him, but I don't know how to. We have had a counselling session (my idea but he arranged it almost immediately as he says he wants us to work it out too). We are going to have more together as a couple but also probably separately.

I believe him that he is sorry, and also that it was a one off. But the thing is he only admitted to having had a one night stand at all because I had pretty concrete proof (he gave me a STI which I have only just found out about and now been treated for). So really I can't be sure that it was a one-off because its difficult to trust him. The trust issue is huge for me because I have always trusted him completely and before this he had never given me a reason not to, so I feel now like there is a question mark over our whole relationship and I'm not sure how well I know him anymore as this goes completely against the kind of person I have always known him to be.

I have wanted to know all the details, and he has answered all my questions. He says he had completley blocked it from his mind as he was so ashamed of himself for what he had done, and that it is difficult for him to think about it as its the biggest mistake he has ever made. He says he can't tell me why though as he says he doesn't know. He said he loved me at the time and had no doubts about our relationship. It sounds as though it practically fell in his lap and I am so hurt that he sucumbed so easily. He also says that he loves me now more than ever and it would never happen again.

I am really sruggling with this. What do I do? How do we rebuild the trust, and am I making too big a thing of it as it was so long ago?

OP posts:

CheekyLittleSox · 18/04/2011 11:38

Iv had Chlamydia due to a ONS - well i got it from my Ex and passed it on to a ONS - My ex used to go round the Bradford Red Light District - apparently his mate used to shag prossies in the back of Exs car whilst he was in the front but then i had an STI check AFTER the ONS and found i had Chlamydia but also had another infection that had been festering from the chlamydia which meant i had had it for a while, more than 6months the Dr said. They were no symptons either, So you could have had it a while but i cant understand why you werent tested for it in pregnancy!!

Fishsticks · 18/04/2011 11:45

I have never been tested for anything except HIV and Syphilis in pregnancy, it certainly isn't standard to test for other STI's where I live

CheekyLittleSox · 18/04/2011 11:46

Oh :/ i am in East Yorkshire and was tested for it, and also when i was under Mid West Yorkshire hospital in west yorkshire i was also tested for it. First blood tests taken and also again at about 20 weeks iirc.

headfairy · 18/04/2011 11:48

why did he confess? I'm a bit suspicious as to his motives in confessing now? Was there more to this than he's let on? Is it more recent and he's too scared to say? I would have thought most men would have kept schtum, even if wracked with guilt because the heartache he's caused you can't have been worth off loading his conscience. Of couse in hindsight, considering the STI it's best that you know and get treated (as you have done) but he didn't know you had Chlamydia, so I don't get his motives in telling you at all.

WRT the chlamydia... you are really fortunate that having it for 6 years didn't ruin your chances of having children. Bloody lucky. I'm amazed you could have had it for so long and not have any outward signs of any problems. That does make me a bit more suspicious this is more recent than he's admitting.

BTW i've been routinely tested for Chlamydia in a smear test, that's how I caught an ex bf cheating on me.

electra · 18/04/2011 11:49

Chlamydia is only tested for if there are symptoms of an infection - it certainly isn't routine in my area. 9 years ago when I had dd1, they did not even test routinely for HIV. Things change over the years and it depends where you live I suppose.

Anyway I'm very sorry to hear of your predicament OP - I can't imagine what I would do in your situation

ScaredOfCows · 18/04/2011 11:50

I think that all of this pondering on testing for STDs in pregnancy is beside the point really.
OP - hopefully you have discussed yours and your husbands results with whoever did your testing, and the implications of both.
It does sound as though you both want to move on from this, and want to invest in your future relationship. The fact that he booked the counselling so quickly is good.
There are some really knowledgeable posters on MN (knowledgeable about infidelities, I mean), so hopefully your will get some help from one of them soon.

electra · 18/04/2011 11:51

headfairy - you can have chlamydia for years. It does not necessarily cause infertility - it can but not necessarily.

electra · 18/04/2011 11:56

Gosh it annoys me to see people suggesting the OP's dh is lying and has had an affair more recently. There is no proof of that whatsoever - do you think the OP needs that at a time when her head needs to be clear so that she can figure out what to do?

headfairy · 18/04/2011 12:07

I know electra, but surely it's pretty unusual? PID is just one complication of having Chlamydia for 6 years. Coupled with his sudden confession I'm afraid I'd be digging a bit deeper.

headfairy · 18/04/2011 12:09

Anyway electra, if the op wanted an clear perspective, I'm sure she's bright enough to know that mumsnet isn't really the place to find it. We're a bunch of total strangers being asked our opinion on a set of circumstances...we don't know the personalities involved, we don't know their characteristics. I have no idea if the op's dh is telling the truth because I've never met him, if he was my close friend I might be able to make a better judgement. However, based on what she's told me, I'd be suspicious that there was more to this.

headfairy · 18/04/2011 12:10

sorry a clear perspective

BikeRunSki · 18/04/2011 12:10

I am on my second pg and sti testing has not been compulsory in either. They asked me, explained the benefits, but the tests were not compulsory.
Only HIV, by blood test.

Original poster

windsgonefrommysails · 18/04/2011 12:15

Sorry if this wasn't clear - he confessed because of my positive chlamydia result, which was done when I had my smear. He wouldn't have told me otherwise and says he decided not to tell met the time abecause he was scared that I would leave him. After my chlamydia result he really had no choice but to tell me

OP posts:

headfairy · 18/04/2011 12:23

ah I see, much clearer. Actually that's much better for me than a sudden confession.

You see Electra, you can't always make a clear judgement until you have all the details.

And I for one am not the automatic "ditch the bastard" type. A distant ONS would not necessarily be a deal breaker for me. Of course the trust thing is hard, not sure how you get past that, perhaps time is the healer in this one. And a lot of talking.

catwalker · 18/04/2011 12:55

So have you only had that one smear test in 6 years? No others after his ONS which would have shown the chlamydia?

Pounamu · 18/04/2011 13:11

OP is there any way you can find out from the hospital you used (or your GP?) if you were in fact tested for chlamydia during your pregnancies? This would help determine whether your DH is covering up a more recent indiscretion or if he is indeed telling the truth about it being 6 years ago.

Having said that it doesn't really change things, the bottom line is he still cheated.

Original poster

windsgonefrommysails · 18/04/2011 13:11

Thanks headfairy. We are doing a lot of talking, about our relationship now as well as then. I am finding this very hard

OP posts:

electra · 18/04/2011 13:18

I didn't mean to make it sound like I was having a go - but I've noticed generally on MN that people do tend to make suggestions on relationship threads which may or may not be wide of the mark. But if you've only just found out about one infidelity your head will be racing with all sorts of ideas of what may have happened.....how could it not? My impression had been that the OP's dp had confessed only because of her positive STI result.

CheekyLittleSox · 18/04/2011 13:20

but surely if he had it and knew about it he should have told her rather than not tell her at all. Or did he not know he had it until she had her results back.

ScarlettWalking · 18/04/2011 14:26

How come his came back negative? This is really odd....

BarbaraBar · 18/04/2011 14:35

I don't understand how his came back negative? He must have had it.

Did he know about the chlamydia years ago and get it treated without telling you?

LaurieFairyCake · 18/04/2011 14:37

Because men can be carriers without exhibiting the disease.

Pancakeflipper · 18/04/2011 14:38

Poor old you. He's pulled that comfy lovely rug right from under your feet.

Obviously don't make any rash decisions.

Do you feel he's telling you the full truth? If you don't, you need to be talking/ digging/ using therapy etc until you do. Because otherwise you'll not move emotionally on. Then your mind will go round in circles.

I know it feels like the end of world. But you can both move onwards. You just need to sort out the shitty stuff first and that takes time. There's no quick fix.

BarbaraBar · 18/04/2011 14:40

Thanks Laurie - I had no idea. You learn something new every day. Presumably men have to be treated so they don't keep infecting their partner.

I hope you manage to work it out OP. Good luck.

AnotherMumOnHere · 18/04/2011 14:58

I'm with the ladies that cant understand how his tests came back negative and the OP's came back positive ............. unless he had symptoms 'whenever' the ONS was over - whenever it was - and got it treated. This seems the only plausible answer to me - and very underhand. I totally agree with whoever it was that said that guys will 'drip feed' you information only telling you what they think they really need to. However, i do feel the truth will out eventually.

All the best OP.

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