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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex problem destroying marriage

94 replies

anonneedshelp · 14/04/2011 23:16

I'm sorry to come on and post anon, but I don't know what to do.

We've been together over 6 years, married for 5. In all that time my husband has suffered from erectile dysfunction. He gets erections in the morning, or before sex, but as soon as he penetrates he either ejaculates immediately or he goes soft. He says it has been a problem his whole adult life.

I was patient, understanding and did everything the websites tell you to do, but it did not improve. I asked, and begged, him to go to the doctor, but he kept putting it off. Eventually, after 4 years, I snapped and got really upset about it and he did go to the GP who did some tests, found the problem was psychological and referred him to a counsellor.

He kept missing the appts, but eventually he started going and after a while I was called to go in too. It turned out he was going, but not really talking and they wanted me to explain what was happening. I did, and we were given exercises to try which simply did not work for us. Eventually he was given some physical exercises to do (stop start technique etc) and some books to read and he was discharged.

That was about a year ago, since then he has not done the exercises and the books are unopened. We rarely have sex, and even then only if I instigate it. He is very huggy and kissy, he makes sexual comments, and he is happy to do things to me if I ask, but actual intercourse no longer seems to happen. I've asked him to resume the exercises, and read the books, and he says he will, but he never does.

After 6 years, am I really that unreasonable to just want sex with my husband without it being a massive issue? I have a high sex drive and it is very important to me, and he knows this, however he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't seem to be bothered to take care of himself any more, and he seems more interested in his many hobbies than sorting out our sex life. I really feel at the end of my tether. I don't want to go for couples counselling again because the problem is in his head, and I want him to show me he cares enough to actually go and deal with it.

I'm at the point where I'm starting to resent him for not dealing with the problem. I feel like I have pussyfooted around him for 6 years, and been non demanding, kind, supportive and everything else, and actually he's taking the p*ss a bit. I appreciate he probably does have a psychological problem with this, but if after all this time and all my support he's not willing to deal with it I just don't know what to do, short of having an open relationship or splitting up.

Can anyone give me any advice?

OP posts:
lookingfoxy · 14/04/2011 23:27

Well he's clearly not willing to address the problem.
To be perfectly blunt, you either live with it, or go, he's really not giving you any other options.

lookingfoxy · 14/04/2011 23:28

Oh and as far as your title, its HIM destroying the marriage.

NotYourPrincess · 14/04/2011 23:38

What lookingfoxy said - he just doesn't want to :(

if it's psychological, it's something only he can fix. It sounds as though you have been really patient, but you hit the nail on the head when you say 'he doesn't seem to care'.

I'm sorry OP, not sure what more advice to give...

choux · 14/04/2011 23:40

A couple of years ago I started dating a man with a v similar problem. He was 37. I was pretty surprised to come across it and when we eventually talked about it he said 'I've just never really bothered to get it sorted out'. That comment made me realise that he wasn't going to try to get it sorted out and I made the decision a week or two later to end it.

We were together for 3 months - I can't imagine how much harder it must be to live with it for 6 years as you have. I'm no expert but I would think it is far harder to resolve in a 30 year old than a 20 year old as the psychological fears / expectations etc are so ingrained. And if he isn't even trying then nothing at all will change.

Do you want children? Does he?

As hard as it may be perhaps you need to speak to him about how the lack of sex and in particular his lack of trying to fix it makes you feel. And that you need to know he cares enough about you and your life together to keep trying.

einstein1 · 14/04/2011 23:48

choux

As hard as it may be... Oh dear

Original poster
anonneedshelp · 14/04/2011 23:50

Thank you so much for your replies. Blunt is good. For some reason I'm feeling like this is my fault, or that I am in the wrong for being fed up about it. I think it's because I've had so many relationships go wrong and I really want this one to last, so I feel like a failure.

I can't have children. Well, I can but not without major medical intervention so I don't want to. He does, but that's a whole other issue right there.

I know he loves me. In fact he adores me, almost puppy like at times. That's what I don't understand - how can he love me so much, but then not want to deal with something that he knows I find so upsetting? I need to have a frank discussion about it (again) but he will cry and hurting him makes me feel sick. Then I get angry and resentful that he makes me feel that way. It's a mess, right?

OP posts:
Original poster
anonneedshelp · 14/04/2011 23:51

Choux/einstein1 - that made me smile. Thanks :)

OP posts:
Diggs · 15/04/2011 00:06

No helpfull solutions im afraid , but ive been married to someone with the same problem .

I should have realised when he came in his pants when we were kissing one time , but i was very young and didnt really know any better . Each encounter either resulted in him ejaculating immediateley ( and i mean immediateley ) or occasionally going soft . Worse he would try to continue regardless which was humilating .

He seemed to have no control over himself and as i got older and expected a bit more it became obvious he had never bothered to learn to control himself and still operated from the mindset of a teenage boy . I was expected to be content with a milli second of penetration and like you began to resent him .

He would whine he couldnt help it , and while i was mostly supportive i began to doubt that that was the case. My understanding is that its quite easy to learn some self control , i began to suspect that rather than having premature ejaculation he simply came when he wanted to . We divorced in the end as there were other issues , but it wasnt nice and i feel for you .

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 15/04/2011 00:29

Whatever the reason, this bloke doesn't want to change things. He thinks that his feelings are more important than yours, he is happy with the situation and thinks that promising to change will be enough to make you stop whining. I would dump his sorry arse.

choux · 15/04/2011 00:40

Oh Diggs the evidence was there for me too even at the beginning. Came in his pants when we were still fully clothed on the bed on the first night we did more than kiss. On our third date we had spent ages kissing in some dark bar and I thought it was great that he was not pushing to go home together and enjoyed being so tender rather than grinding against me.

We never actually had sex as he would come as soon as he attempted penetration. Sometimes he too would go soft presumably from stressful thoughts about premature ejaculation. I'm sure I read that a penis has the same number of nerve endings regardless of size so smaller men are more likely to suffer from premature ejaculation as there are more nerves being stimulated by each touch. But the OP has been told her man's problem is psychological.

anonneedshelp if you don't want children that removes a time pressure for deciding if you should stay or go. But your medical issues are also a disincentive to him dealing with his problem. I assume you mean you would need IVF so, from his point of view, he could become a father without actually having sex. Apologies if that comes across badly worded - I just mean that wanting to procreate with you won't force him to confront the problem either.

Wanting a fulfilling sex life with someone you love is normal and you should not feel bad about being frustrated that you don't currently have that. An open, honest and calm conversation about how each of you feels and what you can each do to try to tackle the issue should be possible. Why does he cry when you try to talk about it?

Diggs · 15/04/2011 01:01

Its awful , and i dont miss it . On the rare occasion he tried to control himself he would physically shake and his eyes would be like saucers . He would keep absoluteley still ( whilst throb throb ) and then attempt to move , just a minute amount , and would immediateley go rigid again to stop himself with this awful pained expression . This awful scenario could go on for about umm 5 minuites if he was really trying , then i would literally breathe and it would all be over . He would often blame me for " moving ".

Ive read loads about it at the time and felt he could have at least tried to learn when he was close with wanking ( which he did a lot of ). If he had been physically disabled in some way i would have just accepted it , but the fact that he wouldnt even try was the biggest issue .

cabbageroses · 15/04/2011 08:23

it's not your fault at all.

I had a relationship with a guy who had sexual hang ups which resulted in him withdrawing ( yes!) completely apart from hugs and kisses.

He kept asking me to leave the topic alone and he would eventually sort it out in his head- his was more to do with guilt, societal expectations- due to very puritanical upbringing, little contact with women.

I know this is not the same at all BUt I did go to see a sex therapist to ask what I could do to help and his answer was to back off- mainly.

I know you are desperately upset but it's a case-as everyone else says- of you can lead a horse to water......
so although it is very hard for you, I think you have done as much as you can.

From now on why not give yourself a time limit? do not discuss it any more, act ( if you can) as if it doesn't matter a jot, and leave it to him to take up his therapy- maybe you could say that again, once- not in anger but matter of factly. Whether you tell him or not about the time limit you are giving ( yourself as much as anyone) is debatable.

Then if he doesn't- you will have to bail out.

Original poster
anonneedshelp · 15/04/2011 08:30

Thank you for all the replies.

Choux - IVF and some other stuff is needed. Unpleasant and not going to happen. I don't know why he cries. I used to think it was because he was embarrassed or afraid he would lose me, but now I'm starting to think it is a diversion to take me off the topic.

I'm starting to relax, reading these replies. One of the counsellors we saw basically told me that I was unreasonable to expect sex from him, and that I should be satisfied with using a vibrator, because sex isn't that important. I think he seized on that.

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 15/04/2011 08:36

Honestly, this man is not prepared to take your feelings into consideration. He thinks he is more important than you and that the relationship is all about him. There are nicer men out there with fully functional willies, why not dump this loser and find a better prospect?

cabbageroses · 15/04/2011 08:42

It's not just so easy though to dump someone when you love them?

I am sure that the OP loves him and simply wishes she was married to him- but without the problem.

SomethingSuper · 15/04/2011 08:44

What an incredibly rubbish counsellor for putting the onus on you for expecting normal sexual relations. Poor you, OP. No advice but it seems incredibly unfair on you.

Nesbo · 15/04/2011 08:51

Jeez Springchicken, next time a guy comes on here worried about his loving partner's vaginismus which she doesn't seem to want to confront, I'll be looking out for your "She thinks she is more important than you and that the relationship is all about her. There are nicer women out there with fully functional vaginas, why not dump the loser and find a better prospect"!

elephantsaregreen · 15/04/2011 09:18

Sex IS important. Very important. Very very important. Any any counselour who suggests it isn't should be dumped. There is nothing wrong with people who want to have sex with their partners!!

I'm a bit of a broken record but I'm an avid (rabid even?) reader of Dan Savage who is a VERY sex positive advice coloumnist. He isn't everyone's cup of tea but he has opened my eyes to many interesting facts. I highly recommend him.

He would probably advise the following: If your DP is interested in pleasuring you then take sex off the table. No sex allowed. Do everything else but that. Roll around in bed for a good while, months even before you build up to sex. But if your DP isn't showing any interest in your sexual pleasure you need to accept that fact and either figure out a way to copy (is an open relationship a possibility?) or dump him.

And for what it's worth I agree with you that he is probably deflecting with the crying. He is being entirely inconsiderate of your feelings and your needs. And he isn't working at the problem. That's means not only is he insecure, he's being a bit of an asshole (I'm sure he has many redeeming qualities but seriously, ask yourself if you want to live like this for the rest of your life).

Original poster
anonneedshelp · 15/04/2011 09:27

Elephant, that's just it he is very interested in my pleasure, but after 6 years that's not enough anymore. We did the whole thing of taking sex out of the equation, for over 6 months. Nothing improved. Now we just don't have sex at all. Yes, he'll give me oral or manual, but I want to actually have sex with him.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 15/04/2011 09:29

I am Shock at the advice from the counsellor - perhaps (he?) had the same problem and was taking it out on you? Angry

hmm it doesn't sound like he is prepared to tackle this problem and imo 6 years is a very long time to have stuck with it. He did try though didn't he, only your descriptions of the 'help' he/you got sound humiliating - the very thing he was terrified of. The quality of the help you got was not only awful but also probably compounded the problem, added to it.

I'm a bit suspicious of the crying tbh particularly as he probably knows it has a deep effect on you. I'm not suggesting he is consciously manipulating you but manipulative behaviour is not always conscious - far from it. You may have to toughen up in the face of his crying OP...

I don't know if people expect therapy to be done and dusted in weeks, but sometimes therapy can take years, particularly if there is a deep problem. As with the guy who blamed his partner for 'moving' (above, Angry), you seem to be bearing the brunt of his problem - when it is not yours, but his. You have done all you can to show your support, to be prepared to tackle this problem together, but I'm wondering if it's a bit like being with someone who has an addiction re the addict has to be prepared to tackle it or it will go nowhere. He needs to source some good-quality therapy (not the joke it sounds like you had Angry), and to stick with it. Actually, he would have no problems sticking with good therapy if he is serious about sorting this out. Then he wouldn't have to be running away into myriad hobbies to avoid it. A therapist may be good on paper but doesn't necessarily suit you - imo therapists are like relationships: maybe a lovely man/woman but just not your type : you have to find a therapist you feel comfortable with, first and foremost, and can trust.

AlistairSimnelcake · 15/04/2011 09:38

Nesbo, it's not the fact he has a problem that's the issue. It's that he's unwilling to do anything about it!

Malificence · 15/04/2011 09:46

I cant believe he hasn't been given the most basic and potentially simple advice of using a penis pump and erection support ring, men with serious nerve damage through prostatectomy etc. can get and maintain erections with them so your partner should be using one as a matter of course. I Can't believe he's let this carry on for so long, sex must be as unsatisfactory for him as it is for you, once he's had proper intercourse I doubt he will want to go back.

Nesbo · 15/04/2011 09:50

AS - of course, people can be particularly crap at dealing with stuff, especially if the problem leaves them feeling utterly humiliated. Personally though I married my partner for better or worse, and if they needed help we'd have to find a way forward together, particularly if they were still loving in so many other respects. This is not a deliberate ploy to hurt the OP, I'm sure he is just as distressed but needs to find something that works for him. IMO you don't just give up on someone when things are tough, it sounds utterly callous.

midnightexpress · 15/04/2011 09:59

What nesbo said. While it certainly isn't your fault OP, I do think some of the replies on here are very quick to condemn his lack of action. There may be all sorts of deep-rooted problems associated with his condition, not simply a 'teenage mindset'.

OP, you have rejected further couples counselling out of hand, but how about psycho-sexual counselling?

Out of curiosity, can I ask why you married him? If this has been a problem since the start and you have a high sex drive, I'm wondering why this is an issue that you (as a couple I mean) didn't confront before marriage? In that respect, it's not really just his problem, is it, since you committed to him in the knowledge that there was an issue.

Malificence · 15/04/2011 10:15

Google my tenring, I can't do links, I'm on my phone at work, something like that seems the obvious answer, especially as he can actually get erections, all he needs is to keep the blood in his penis, it's a simple matter of hydraulics plus constriction.