Sex problem destroying marriage

[anonneedshelp]

I'm sorry to come on and post anon, but I don't know what to do.

We've been together over 6 years, married for 5. In all that time my husband has suffered from erectile dysfunction. He gets erections in the morning, or before sex, but as soon as he penetrates he either ejaculates immediately or he goes soft. He says it has been a problem his whole adult life.

I was patient, understanding and did everything the websites tell you to do, but it did not improve. I asked, and begged, him to go to the doctor, but he kept putting it off. Eventually, after 4 years, I snapped and got really upset about it and he did go to the GP who did some tests, found the problem was psychological and referred him to a counsellor.

He kept missing the appts, but eventually he started going and after a while I was called to go in too. It turned out he was going, but not really talking and they wanted me to explain what was happening. I did, and we were given exercises to try which simply did not work for us. Eventually he was given some physical exercises to do (stop start technique etc) and some books to read and he was discharged.

That was about a year ago, since then he has not done the exercises and the books are unopened. We rarely have sex, and even then only if I instigate it. He is very huggy and kissy, he makes sexual comments, and he is happy to do things to me if I ask, but actual intercourse no longer seems to happen. I've asked him to resume the exercises, and read the books, and he says he will, but he never does.

After 6 years, am I really that unreasonable to just want sex with my husband without it being a massive issue? I have a high sex drive and it is very important to me, and he knows this, however he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't seem to be bothered to take care of himself any more, and he seems more interested in his many hobbies than sorting out our sex life. I really feel at the end of my tether. I don't want to go for couples counselling again because the problem is in his head, and I want him to show me he cares enough to actually go and deal with it.

I'm at the point where I'm starting to resent him for not dealing with the problem. I feel like I have pussyfooted around him for 6 years, and been non demanding, kind, supportive and everything else, and actually he's taking the p*ss a bit. I appreciate he probably does have a psychological problem with this, but if after all this time and all my support he's not willing to deal with it I just don't know what to do, short of having an open relationship or splitting up.

Can anyone give me any advice?

'Don't be silly and ruin a relationship because of one aspect. If you loved him you wouldn't. Let it go.'
I'm sorry but that's total bollocks. The issue here isn't simply erectile dysfunction, which can and should be worked through together as a couple. It;s the fact that the dp just can't be bothered to put the work in, and thus clearly thinks his partner's feeligns on the matter don't count. WHy on earth should she put up with a rubbish sex life?

So sorry to hear of the difficulties you are facing goinground. I think the situation with OP is different though, in that her DP could do something about it but isn't. That's the problem here - that her DP won't face it. Obviously it is a difficult one to face but OP has stuck with him for 6 years and been as supportive as possible: this situation takes two and the one with the problem isn't engaging to address it - or at least not engaging thoroughly - but is burying his head in the sand. That's not fair on OP, when something could be done. I think we all appreciate that pressure in a situation like this is awful - but OP hasn't put any pressure on him and he has used her tolerance to avoid the subject and not address it. That really isn't fair.

He's the one who has a problem so pressurising him and ultimatums is not going to help him is it. That would not help you booboo if you had an issue would it?
How do you really know he can't be bothered? Maybe he's burying his head in the sand as he feels it just won't get better, that doesn't mean he can't be bothered, maybe he can't see a way out, . Where's your compaSsion ? Maybe he's not getting support .

I think the OP has done all she can. I know how embarassing and frustrating ED can be for a man, and how much it weighs on their mind that maybe they'll never get over it. I have an ex who had the same issue, and it took time, support and honesty with each other to overcome it. I had friends who said very quickly to dump him over it, and tbh at times, it does knock your self esteem if you think you're the problem. But he needs to show he's puttign in the effort, and the OP has said he isn't.
Fwiw, ultimatums have their place. Is this one of them? Not sure. Certainly if it's a psychological issue, as was my ex's, then that isn't goign to help. But actually, if it is psychological there's no reason it can't be overcome. His reluctance would bother me too. My ex was incredibly proactive, goign to his GP when I suggested it, which can't be nice for a young guy.

It can knock your self esteem when it doesn't work but if it happens a lot you know its them. It didn't happen with other men I had so I knew it wasn't me. Yes frustrating but all you can do is stick in there and try different things . Try and persuade him to go and try viagra. Op could go with him to docs. . I'm sure he will he's been to docs before so they know his history anyway. Ultimatum will only cause resentment . Its how you handle it really. Maybe there's more to the problem than just sex. . .

How will Viagra help? He can get erections, his blood flow is obviously working just fine, what he can't seem to do is penetrate his partner - an erection support ring will help enormously, he won't be able to lose his erection whilst wearing one FFS!
He won't try one, so where does that leave OP?
Viagra is not the answer here, it is for physical problems with micro circulation, not for psycholgical ones.

'One of the counsellors we saw basically told me that I was unreasonable to expect sex from him, and that I should be satisfied with using a vibrator, because sex isn't that important. I think he seized on that'

That is outrageous! Sex is not just about orgasms. It's also about being desired and bodily contact. A vibrator can't touch/hold/kiss you ffs!

As for anyone saying sex is not important. Sex IS important. Totally agree with BooBooGlass.

I had an ex like this OP. He refused to sort himself out. I dumped him. I had given him every warning but he did nothing. I really think life is too short to be stuck in a miserable situation like this. I never regret getting rid of my ex, I just regret waiting so long.

IF he really cared about you he would do something about it. But it's obviously not important enough to him to do so, which speaks volumes.

Positivesteps - Sorry, but did you not read my post fully? I have been to the doctors with him. I have been to counselling with him. I have been gentle, kind, understanding and non-pressurising for SIX years. SIX YEARS.

What else can I possibly do that has not been done? He refuses to follow the medical advice he has been given. I have tried every single kind of stimulation there is. He either goes soft or comes immediately. For SIX years. SIX YEARS.

Thank you to everyone else for your continued advice and understanding. Tomorrow is the day.

That is outrageous! Sex is not just about orgasms. It's also about being desired and bodily contact. A vibrator can't touch/hold/kiss you ffs!

As for anyone saying sex is not important. Sex IS important. Totally agree with BooBooGlass

Well seeing that in print cheers guess attitudes never change .Better go buy myself a coule of cats

,I just hope that some day i can meet a man ho does not share that attitude and can see beyond Sex being the make or break .

anon I really feel for you in this situation, you must be so frustrated with him when advice has been offered and he has refused to help himself. I have to say that I agree with those who have suggested that there is something underlying with his refusal to do something positive. I have to say that I think you have been more than understanding to live with this for six years. From a personal point of view I would find my relationship with DP very different if we were unable to have penerative sex. For me it is a very big part of my feeling womanly and complete to feel him inside me when we have sex.

Have you rehearsed the points YOU want to make during you converation tomorrow?

goingroundthebend, noone has said sex is the most important thing. You only have to read the boards here to see that to a lot of people it's not even a factor in their lives, so don't give up hope. Many people don't feel sex is important. The issue here is that OP feels that it is, and that her dp coud do more if he wanted to. That is not somehting that she, or you fwiw, should feel bad about.

You seem determined not to acknowledge the difference between being physically/medically unable to have penetrative sex ( which is actually incredibly rare btw) and someone choosing not to address their obvious issues regarding sex and intimacy when they are actually perfectly able to physically have sex, if they could be bothered.

He could even buy a hollow strap on if he was in any way interested in giving OP what she needs. A decent, caring, unselfish man would try absolutely anything and everything.
Just because sex isn't particularly important to you, doesn't mean that others are wrong for wanting a good and satisfying sex life.

OP: Six years is more than long enough to wait for a man to make some effort. Because that's the problem, not what his willy does or doesn;t do, but the fact that he is simply not bothered about your feelings and expects you just to take him as he is and ignore your own needs.

Goingroundthebend: I appreciate that you are in a difficult situation with a physical difficulty, but there are people out there who are uninterested in penetrative sex, and attach more importance to other aspects of a couple-relationship. People who are in any way outside the mundane norm may have a smaller pool of potential partners to choose from, whether that's because you are uninterested in sex/have SN of some kind/infertile/child-free from choice ie never want to have children/reject monogamy/have odd political or religious beliefs that are a massive factor in your life.. all these people generally find partners who share their priorities at some point.

have you tried licking or sucking his penis to get it erect then sit on it. If it goes down do it again and eventually it will stay up.

at this.

Nothing like this works with a partner who is uninterested in penetrive sex . Its also not the Ops problem to solve , its his . Like Mal has repeatedly said there are a range of things he could do , quite easily , but hes chosen not to . Something i think he should have been very clear about before he got married .

Viagra does help . It helped with my situation when I was with a man with the same issues. He had nothing physically wrong it was all in his head. It can kick start it. Its at least worth a try isn't it? Obv only if op can persuade her man to go to the doctors.
Yes you have been understanding just not sure the thing tomorrow will make him want to do it or help him conquer what's going on in his mind to stop him performing. If it is a mind thing it will not help him keep a erection because he will be worrying more.

I think the differance is your partner was willing to try these things to resolve the problem , thats why it was resolved . This guy has declined viagra and other available options .

Viagra can only help if a man is actually aroused/interested in having sex, it will not keep a subconciously unwanted erection, it's a vaso dilator not an auromatic miracle erection creator! An erection ring will keep an erection for as long as a man has it on.
Normally functioning men don't lose their erections right away after ejaculating, it can take a few minutes, which is why it seems so weird that a man can seemingly go soft in an instant - he's obviously not into it at all.

If he won't try a ring , when it is a pretty much guaranteed solution, then he doesn't really want penetrative sex, it's as simple as that.

Goingunderground- is if too personal to enquire.. You have no feeling in genital area, but presumably you could still have sex for your partners benefit Nd you could enjoy the other aspects of making love? If this is incorrect then sorry for making assumptions

Sorry that last post was to goingroundthebend

yes Dropdead thas part of the problem i have alongside some others .I could have sex for a partners sake would i get any enjoyment from it no and i know from talking to others with same condtion ( caused by a spinal injury ) male and female .It does become a bit mechinal and most marriages do end in divoice becase the husband or wife .Find that sex without the other enjoying the sensations becomes a issue .even when they try other ways of pleasing their partner

Op you said your partner is happy to please you in other ways ? is is becuase you wan more than that?

Goingroundthebend... Sorry for prying.. I guess between you and a partner you would have to decide if you ever wanted to have full sex ... But at least during that you could enjoy being cuddled, kissed etc? I do think the op's partner has less problems but is being more selfish about whether he considers it worth sorting out... As it is he gets his orgasm regardless

yes but lol hardly a conversation starter or a first date question .

Yes maybe he is but also he is at least willing to try pleasing her otherways

and it was not the op that was angry with it was some of the other posters

not sure who posted about finding a cock that works but imagine me coming on from my pov and saying my dh was leaving because i have no sensation in the gential area .They be flamed ( not that i have a dh or dp anyway to say that)

We had the talk today. As I suspected, he started crying as soon as the conversation began, so I paused and waited for him to compose himself, and pushed on. That surprised him, as I would normally stop then.

I used the advice of one of the posters on here, and asked how would be feel if I withheld kisses and cuddles and the intimacy he enjoys. He said he would hate it, so I asked why he thinks it's okay to withhold the intimacy I need. That made him think. I asked why he doesn't want to sort things out, and he couldn't really answer. He says he does want it solved, but just feels like it's too much of a mountain to climb, so almost prefers not to try. He also admitted that, because we're not having children, he hasn't felt as much of an impetus to deal with it. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but he acknowledged that there is distance in our relationship, and that he's responsible for that.

Anyway, we looked together at Mytenring and he says he is ordering one. He didn't want to go back to the GP because he feels like something mechanical will help his confidence more than counselling. I compromised and said that I'm willing to give Mytenring a month or so, and see how it goes. In turn he said if it doesn't improve things he will be straight to the GP and he is now willing to try Viagra etc, if needs be. We shall see what happens, but at least there is a timescale on it now and he understands the consequences of inaction.

Thank you all so much for your support. I'd never have even heard of Mytenring if it wasn't for here. Thank you so much.

Goingroundthebend - yes, he's willing to please me other ways, but I don't, personally, find that fulfilling after 6 years. I want to be able to have penetrative sex with my husband. To me, that is important. If he couldn't give me that because of disability etc, then that wouldn't be a problem, but it's the fact that he has been unwilling to address the matter, despite knowing how much it hurts me, that is the issue.

anon You must feel so relieved at being able to have this converesation with your dp and to have him finally face up to the situation. I do so hope that Mytenring will prove to be an answer and that you can both look forward to new, fulfilling aspects to your relationship.

Anon, you may have read my thread about my dh, I am sort of going throught the same as you, my dh looses an erection. I have been dealing with it for 7 years now, and suffering with it. Dh has gone to work tonight I am sure because he doesn't want to have to try and have sex with me. He didn't need to go tonight he could get up 5am and go, the kids are normally up at 6am so its only an hours difference.

Its so frustrating isn't it.