Sex problem destroying marriage

[anonneedshelp]

I'm sorry to come on and post anon, but I don't know what to do.

We've been together over 6 years, married for 5. In all that time my husband has suffered from erectile dysfunction. He gets erections in the morning, or before sex, but as soon as he penetrates he either ejaculates immediately or he goes soft. He says it has been a problem his whole adult life.

I was patient, understanding and did everything the websites tell you to do, but it did not improve. I asked, and begged, him to go to the doctor, but he kept putting it off. Eventually, after 4 years, I snapped and got really upset about it and he did go to the GP who did some tests, found the problem was psychological and referred him to a counsellor.

He kept missing the appts, but eventually he started going and after a while I was called to go in too. It turned out he was going, but not really talking and they wanted me to explain what was happening. I did, and we were given exercises to try which simply did not work for us. Eventually he was given some physical exercises to do (stop start technique etc) and some books to read and he was discharged.

That was about a year ago, since then he has not done the exercises and the books are unopened. We rarely have sex, and even then only if I instigate it. He is very huggy and kissy, he makes sexual comments, and he is happy to do things to me if I ask, but actual intercourse no longer seems to happen. I've asked him to resume the exercises, and read the books, and he says he will, but he never does.

After 6 years, am I really that unreasonable to just want sex with my husband without it being a massive issue? I have a high sex drive and it is very important to me, and he knows this, however he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't seem to be bothered to take care of himself any more, and he seems more interested in his many hobbies than sorting out our sex life. I really feel at the end of my tether. I don't want to go for couples counselling again because the problem is in his head, and I want him to show me he cares enough to actually go and deal with it.

I'm at the point where I'm starting to resent him for not dealing with the problem. I feel like I have pussyfooted around him for 6 years, and been non demanding, kind, supportive and everything else, and actually he's taking the p*ss a bit. I appreciate he probably does have a psychological problem with this, but if after all this time and all my support he's not willing to deal with it I just don't know what to do, short of having an open relationship or splitting up.

Can anyone give me any advice?

Sorry to hear that, it's disapointing.

I am in a similar situation to you, but I have just had a baby with my partner. We have lived with this issue for the same amount of time and despite my support and love (and pleading) my partner refuses to even talk to me anymore about it. We tried Relate councelling, however it was clear my partner was not happy so we decided to stop going. He seems to be content not to have any sex at all, and even said on one occasion that he was happy with things the way they are. I have told him I want things to improve because I really need it to. My baby is over 6 weeks old and I feel that I should try to make an effort because I really want us to be happy. I am so fortunate to have my baby but this is ( I dont want to be defeatest by saying destroying me) really having a negative effect on my life and it just does not seem fair. The usual senario is I mention that we never have sex, and he goes quiet and then dosent talk to me for the rest of the day... or so...

Bumping this, just wondering what happened.

After six years of this, counselling, and no children to consider I'm just surprised you're still considering your decision!

I would say, whether you are a woman or a man in this position - if you think the grass is greener elsewhere, and you won't simply swap one set of problems for another, go and take a look.

You can throw all the money you like at counsellors, read all the self-help books and try every technique available. However, you won't change your partner's sex drive because they can't change, even if they want to.

Would he be willing to try Viagra?

DH struggled with erections a bit when he reached late 50s. Success often depended on how things were going at work ! But he was working in the US and GP put him on Cialis (like viagra but you take it daily) and we have good sex a couple of times a week.

I would think most older men in the US are on it. Apparently it is not recommended if you have heart disease or take high bp medicine and not to drink grapefruit juice with it!! DH has no unpleasant side effects from it and obviously it is a great confidence booster as the hair thins and belly expands.

DontGoCurlySat 16-Apr-11 18:48:19

'One of the counsellors we saw basically told me that I was unreasonable to expect sex from him, and that I should be satisfied with using a vibrator, because sex isn't that important. I think he seized on that'

What this counselllor said was disgusting. I would have put a complaint in
a. about his lack of objectivity.
b. The obvious sex discrimination because im damn sure he wouldnt have said this to a male client.

It seems to be a real problem with society that sexless marraiages or problems with sex in marriaages are almost always blamed on the woman.
Man doesnt what sex the message from society towards the wife seems to be "tough shit go without or spend years and years on end trying to correct his problem.
Woman doesnt what sex the attitude seems to be "oh you are neglecting your wifely duties so it will be your fault if he looks elsewhere."
Its a double standard that i am getting really sick of.
I wrote about my situation for the more sex daily website after getting into a short conversation with the woman who runs the website on Twitter.

www.moresexdaily.com/guest_sexperts/infidelity-is-not-always-wrong-especially-when-your-spouse-hasnt-touched-you-for-years-and-he-refuses-to-go-to-counselling-one-reader-tells-her-story/

Darkesteyes maybe the counsellor was just being honest. If someone genuinely can't have sex, then it's a bit absurd to expect it from them. Especially if it's a man who has erectile dysfunction.

I agree with what you say though in your second post. Women are still assumed to be the "recipient" and expected to "lie back and think of England" still. Whether they like it or not - as many posts here illustrate. This one for example:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1567897-DH-threatened-to-leave-sex-related

Olgaga, he could genuinely have sex though. He just can't be bothered to even try to get it sorted. I was with someone like this many years ago. I told myself it didn't matter, there were more important things than penetrative sex, etc. We went to counselling too, I have never forgotten the fucking cow counsellor telling me I should just shut up and be supportive and if I felt it was affecting my self esteem that was my problem as self esteem came from within .

Yes, unreasonable shallow demanding women who actually want penetrative sex sometimes. Far better to resort to just accepting their lot, whatever that happens to be.

Helen I'm afraid your post makes no sense. He clearly cannot "genuinely have sex" if he has no desire to. It's not a case of "not being bothered to sort it". Do you have some kind of miracle cure? Sorry you had such a bad experience but if someone can't have sex what do you expect them to do?

I never accused anyone of being "unreasonable, shallow, demanding". I never said they should "accept their lot".

I simply pointed out that if it wasn't such an intractable problem (for either sex) it would be easily solved.

It isn't.

That doesn't mean either party is at fault. All I am saying is it's a personal decision to stay or go. That's the choice, if someone can't change.

olgaga counsellors are supossed to remain objective,not project their own problems and prejudices on to the client.
Why dont blokes who dont want sex with their wives anymore end the relationship themselves?
Because they want the status of being married and domestic work that their wives often provide.
I stand by what i wrote for more sex daily.
If a man has a problem but REFUSES to do anything about it for YEARS on end and shows his partner NO affection whatsoever and then refuses to "open" up the marriage that is controlling and abusive.
I dont see why women should have our needs and desires denied just because we happen to wear a bra.
This is sexism and mysogyny in one of its worst forms.

Olgaga he can have intercourse, he has premature ejaculation or goes soft on penetration, nothing to do with him not wanting to. Apparently he does have the desire to have sex but on terms which mean he doesn't have to sort his problem out. As OP says he has had various options for sorting it but has not done so. The problem is not intractable, the DH behaviour has been.

My comments regarding my counselling experience were in response to Darkesteyes as further examples of bad practice and attitudes to women's sexuality. Beyond the first two sentences, nothing about your post. Which is maybe why it didn't make sense to you.

erm, this is an old thread from April

continue the conversation by all means, but arguing about the Op's specific situation is kinda pointless

Am completely confused - does that mean women who refuse to have sex are also abusive?

Anyway, AF - noted

Bloody hell it's not even this April!

Diggs Sat 16-Apr-11 23:56:32
Nothing like this works with a partner who is uninterested in penetrive sex . Its also not the Ops problem to solve , its his .

Umm.
Sorry, like some of the other posters here... I really, really don't see this advice being doshed out to a bloke whose partner no longer felt like PIV.

Apologies, hadn't noticed we were necroposting.