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Original poster

Sex problem destroying marriage

94 replies

anonneedshelp · 14/04/2011 23:16

I'm sorry to come on and post anon, but I don't know what to do.

We've been together over 6 years, married for 5. In all that time my husband has suffered from erectile dysfunction. He gets erections in the morning, or before sex, but as soon as he penetrates he either ejaculates immediately or he goes soft. He says it has been a problem his whole adult life.

I was patient, understanding and did everything the websites tell you to do, but it did not improve. I asked, and begged, him to go to the doctor, but he kept putting it off. Eventually, after 4 years, I snapped and got really upset about it and he did go to the GP who did some tests, found the problem was psychological and referred him to a counsellor.

He kept missing the appts, but eventually he started going and after a while I was called to go in too. It turned out he was going, but not really talking and they wanted me to explain what was happening. I did, and we were given exercises to try which simply did not work for us. Eventually he was given some physical exercises to do (stop start technique etc) and some books to read and he was discharged.

That was about a year ago, since then he has not done the exercises and the books are unopened. We rarely have sex, and even then only if I instigate it. He is very huggy and kissy, he makes sexual comments, and he is happy to do things to me if I ask, but actual intercourse no longer seems to happen. I've asked him to resume the exercises, and read the books, and he says he will, but he never does.

After 6 years, am I really that unreasonable to just want sex with my husband without it being a massive issue? I have a high sex drive and it is very important to me, and he knows this, however he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't seem to be bothered to take care of himself any more, and he seems more interested in his many hobbies than sorting out our sex life. I really feel at the end of my tether. I don't want to go for couples counselling again because the problem is in his head, and I want him to show me he cares enough to actually go and deal with it.

I'm at the point where I'm starting to resent him for not dealing with the problem. I feel like I have pussyfooted around him for 6 years, and been non demanding, kind, supportive and everything else, and actually he's taking the p*ss a bit. I appreciate he probably does have a psychological problem with this, but if after all this time and all my support he's not willing to deal with it I just don't know what to do, short of having an open relationship or splitting up.

Can anyone give me any advice?

OP posts:
ScarlettWalking · 15/04/2011 10:19

I think your partner is being incredibly selfish actually - and what bad advice you have had! Sex is really important, does he seriously expect you to put up with such a non-sex life for the rest of your days? I would dump and move on..

Dropdeadfred · 15/04/2011 10:33

I too wondered why, with a Huge sex drive, you still married him after a year of no sex?

springydaffs · 15/04/2011 10:42

You hope it will get better, that's why! Marriage isn't solely like a business contract for goodness sake - easy to be analytical in retrospect but it's not just your head that makes the decision to marry!

Original poster
anonneedshelp · 15/04/2011 11:02

We have had psychosexual counselling. I talk, he clams up. In the end he was discharged because there was no more they could do. They gave him exercises and books to work on on his own because he said that was what he wanted, but he hasn't done any of it. If anything, it's going downhill more now.

I married him because I adored him. I'd known him 10 years as a friend by then, dating one year, and we were as close as any couple could be. At that time he was vowing to work on it, researching therapy etc and I fully believed in him. In the meantime he was happy to find ways to fulfil my needs and I was happy with that, thinking this would be a temporary problem.

The problem now is this creeping resentment I have. I want it to stop. I loved this man so much, but now everything he does is irritating me and I know it all stems back to this and my anger toward him.

OP posts:
FollowMe · 15/04/2011 11:08

I would have another conversation with him about it.
Explain clearly that its not his problem you are upset about, its his lack of effort or intention to do anything at all to sort it out, despite having books and exercises that he could be doing immediately.

If he is very interested in the hugging and kissing and pleasuring you but just not the actual sex side of it, then how about you explain to him that he is purposely withdrawing sex from you (by not addressing his problem) and that how would he feel if you withdrew all cuddling and kissing and affection from him? I'm sure you dont feel particularly affectionate towards him with all the resentment that must be building up.
At the moment he is getting it all his way. He gets affection, the level of sexual activity he wants and is able to ignore anything you want as he cant be bothered to deal with it. If he could see that him ignoring your needs leads to you feeling resentment and a lack of affection and loving behaviour that he DOES want, then his inability to deal with the problem starts to affect HIM as much as its affecting you iyswim.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 15/04/2011 11:22

Oh I would advise a man with a female partner who was behaving like this to dump her, as well. It's not the actual problem that's the problem, it's the fact that the person with the problem is making no effort to overcome it, and is just snivelling when challenged.

Malificence · 15/04/2011 11:30

So you don't feel that a mechanical aid like a properly sized support ring (as opposed to a sex toy cock ring) would help matters?

You seem to have ignored my posts so does that mean that this has already been tried?
You do realise that he wouldn't be physically able to lose his erection whilst using one ( until he takes it off) ? - he has learned to respond this way over many years, he needs physical help to re train his autonomic reactions.
Of course if he's unwilling to try this then you will realise that he's really not that fussed, but he may just feel that nothing will ever work so why bother.

oldwomaninashoe · 15/04/2011 12:27

Six years is far too long for him not to make an effort!
I'm afraid I would be spelling out quite forcibly that you are giving him X amount of months to put some effort into it otherwise its curtains!

I speak from experience I called "time" on a sexless marriage!

cabbageroses · 15/04/2011 12:32

OP- I have met the man who designed Mytenring. Partner of someone I met. He was disabled by an accident but with the device they can have "normal" sex even though he is paralysed chest down.

I think your DH must feel utterly humilated and it's no wonder he doesn't want to face up to this and keep trying.

However, as always in these posts- is there any chance he could be gay- or bi?

Closet gay/married men are good at trying to please women but can't face penetration.

Has this been discussed at counselling?

I think you have to set a timelimit- not to achieve penetration but to work on it with full commitment.

cabbageroses · 15/04/2011 12:33

sorry- weird bold- didn't intend that!

Diggs · 15/04/2011 12:38

Mals right , there are lots of things like that available . I remember watching a programme about a man who was paralysed from the waist down . He couldnt get an erection and he couldnt feel anything when he did , yet he used something similar to what Mal described in order to have sex with his wife because he knew it was important to her .

I too used to get the crying which i thought was highly manipulative , if he was so upset he had the option of doing something quite simple about it but chose not to.

CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 12:39

But if the OP's DH were gay, wouldn't he only ever lose his erection and never prematurely ejaculate?

Original poster
anonneedshelp · 15/04/2011 13:48

Mall, sorry I am not deliberately ignoring you. I am also at work on my phone. I'll Google that tonight and see. It sounds like a good thing. We've tried the normal types of cock ring, but they didn't work. The counsellor discussed Viagra, or a vacuum pump but he didn't want to go there.

With regards to the gay thing. This really troubles me because my first husband came out 3 years into our marriage and of course we divorced. My husband knows this is an upsetting thing for me, so I don't understand why he's putting me through this.

Thank you all so much, you're all really helping. I know I have to sit down and address it with him in a no nonsense way and ignore the tears.

OP posts:
countless · 15/04/2011 14:19

wow anon i was so surprised to read your op and the rest of thread as i've been there too but never heard anyone else's similar experience. i did leave dh eventually..he started to use viagra but instead of solving the problem i found myself angry and resentful towards him because of his attitude. he would take a pill and chase me around without any prior agreement/ etc and would be furious if i wasn't up for a long session.. it all felt quite wrong and far from romantic!
if this is a relationship you want to keep/ save, can you tell him honestly how you are feeling and that ultimately you will have to end the relationship if he's unwilling to work towards improving your sex life?
if the thought of losing you isn't enough to make him take action there isn't much more you can do is there?

cabbageroses · 15/04/2011 16:13

OP Mytenring is made to fit any man- the guy who invented it is a design engineer. There is a Youtube video of the guy and his partner talking about it if you can find it. They are a lovely couple and she was a nurse.
(PR over now.)

Why did he not want Viagra? It does sound as if he doesn't really want anything that might help! Does he feel it is better to be as you are, andnot use something that could help does he feel he would be confirming his failure by using anything?

Viagra works on the mechanics but does not create psychological arousal if that makes sense. it does not create desire but just makes the blood flow.

You need to talk again.

cabbageroses · 15/04/2011 17:18

OP link to youtube about My tenring

EggyFucker · 15/04/2011 17:26

I don't think it is the "sex problem" that is destroying your marriage

Your husband is destroying your marriage, with his refusal to access help and his blatant disregard for your feelings

I know it is difficult, and I know it is embarassing to go and talk to someone about your sexual problems, but if he really truly loved you, he would do it

His pissing around and tacit refusal to sort himself out will kill your love for him, stone dead and he doesn't seem to care

Original poster
anonneedshelp · 15/04/2011 21:03

Again, thank you all for taking the trouble to respond and share your experiences.

I've looked at the MyTenRing website and YouTube video and it almost looks too good to be true. If it works for us it would be amazing.

I am going to sit my husband down this weekend and lay it out for him about how his behaviour is making me feel. I am going to give him the link to the MyTenRing website and YT video. I am basically going to tell him that, by the end of next week, I expect him to have bought a MyTenRing and to have made another appointment with his GP to go back and discuss more options with counselling, or, if he doesn't want to do that via the GP, to speak to Relate or a private counsellor. Then he has a choice. If he doesn't do it then he's moving into the spare room and he can consider us on a trial separation. And I'm ready to make good on my threat. I think he needs a proper wake up call, and it's time for that.

I really have had enough and you have all helped me to see that I am not being unreasonable, or cruel. I need to make a stand now and I'm ready to do it. Thanks all. I'll let you know how it goes. x

OP posts:
FriedEggyAndSlippery · 15/04/2011 21:26

I agree it's your DH that is the issue here, his lack of effort is what will destroy your marriage, not the physical issue.

I think it's ultimatum time.

FWIW my DH had similar issues in the early part of our relationship but he was willing to work on it and it improved a lot - he'd never been bothered about it before (unhappy first marriage and then years as a singleton) - but he loved me and wanted to get better so he made the effort.

choux · 15/04/2011 21:26

Good luck anonneedshelp - that sounds like a plan that will give you plenty more insight into how far he is willing to go to fix this and you are also showing him a new option so him saying 'I've tried that, it doesn't work' isn't an option.

My only advice would be to stay as calm and pleasant as possible to reduce the chance that he will become teary. If he does cry tell him that you are sorry he is finding the conversation upsetting but that that is all the more reason to take action to resolve it. And then continue talking.

Fingers crossed for you!

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 15/04/2011 21:27

Oh xpost. Good luck OP :)

Nesbo · 16/04/2011 08:31

Good luck OP. I just hope you can approach it in the right way. Anyone who gives their partner an ultimatum that unless they start £&@!ing them soon they are going to leave doesn't exactly set the scene for honest and loving passion. In fact the performance pressure could just leave them entirely incapable. I'm sure you'll put it better than that though!

goingroundthebend4 · 16/04/2011 08:56

Can I give Some of you another angle please just something to consider .

Those who are saying sex life pentration is important and could not have a marriage without it hope you never find yourself in my situation

at the age of 37. Due to an injury I have no feelings at all in my gential area and as a single right now it's not a issue and I have a whole other hosts of issues to deal with but I'm now realsing just how much importance people attach to sex and all I hope is that maybe I meet someone one day who realises that sex is not the most important thing.

So ask yourself is it because of the sex drive differance because even with mechincal aids his may never match yours .Or would you meet in the mide if he is willing to try

and after spending time on a forum that I joined both men and women on there have said that sex or lack of has been the end of their marriages .Some on there have survived by learning to adapt but it is the hardestthing to discuss sexual problems even withtheir partneres let alone proffesionals and the more pressue applied the worse it becomes so the advice to back of a while may help

goingroundthebend4 · 16/04/2011 09:01

As for who ever posted about well that there's always chance go find a cock that works .

I hope that you never fund yourself in my postion and have some guy say hey your vagina does not work and I'm of to find one that does .Not had this yet!! But does not exactley fill me with confidence of meeting someone that can see beyond things

positivesteps · 16/04/2011 14:21

Why put so much emphasis on sex ? There are plenty more sides to a relationship. Sex is just one aspect. I don't know if people do this because they are taught to believe without sex it is the end of a relationship. Don't be silly and ruin a relationship because of one aspect. If you loved him you wouldn't. Let it go.

Like someone else said putting an ultimatum to someone will be unbearable pressure and probably make things worse in your own relationship. It must be frustrating if you want it and he can take it or leave it .
Maybe you should explain you love sex and really want it with him and maybe suggest the viagra or the other things people have mentioned.
Just a thought I know sounds crude but have you tried licking or sucking his penis to get it erect then sit on it. If it goes down do it again and eventually it will stay up. He might still ejaculate quickly but at least its a start to begin with. If you persevere he will eventually get over that barrier in his mind and last longer. He needs to try and forget what's happening so he can relax. Try the other things too, viagra etc. I've had this issue in a previous relationship. It was a barrier but he got over it and it worked normally again. Its like you need to get it going again but need to try regularly - as saying goes practice makes perfect. We tried viagra a few times. That also might kick start it. You need to try and divert his attention so he's not thinking about it in his mind.
Quite quickly we had a sex life going where he lasted a while before ejaculation so I could orgasm too.