********************It's over****************

[Mhamai]

I was on a thread a while back because I was having problems in an early relationship, well we broke up for good yesterday and although the writings been on the wall for some time, well actually he kept me dangling for a few wks and dont get me wrong because I wanted to dangle! but I erupted at the wknd, got drunk and ranted into his voicemail stupid txts ect I feel like my world has just caved in and I suppose I just want sompe support, I mean I've gone through breakups and suvived and I know time is a great healer etc but its the pain I'm in right now that is killing me, I just feel so empty.

Sorry you're going through a hard time Mhamai. But you do sound as if you feel you've done the right thing.

Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people, people who don't bring out the best in us, and vice versa. It's better to cut and run before things get too deep when this happens. You don't want someone who keeps you dangling, you want someone who will put in 100%. Life's hard enough already without having people creating more problems in your life.

sorry M
but it shouldn't be this hard if it's right iyswim!

I know Anorak and thanks for the sound advice, it was very intense from the start and if I'm being honest, there were problems very early on, I had deliberatly stayed out of relationships for a couple of yrs and foolishly thought that I would never be in a destructive relationship again and that is owning up the the truth of my trying to be a fixer! Oh sorry I'm rambling! I mean I know all the head stuff I'm a trainee counsellor, I suppose I'm owning up to the fact that like attracts like and that it's actually less about him and more about the work I need to do on myself, still feel like crap tho!

I know N it's more the fantasy of what i'd wanted it to be, I do have a tendency to rescue, so it's the reality of it was never going to work, that I have to finally get real about my low self esteem and stop looking for people who feed my already low oppinion of myself.

HAve to go now as ds4 is going mad to get on Computer, thanks girls for your kind words, will check back in later, just want to crawl into a hole and bawl my eyes out, on a positive note I am with a therapist and was talking with him yesterday and I know I'm gonna be ok, in fact this last relationship cock up will prob be the best thing that ever happened in terms of learning from it once and for all but there is so much pain and grief at the moment, anyway sorry I'm rambling, the main thing is i realy will apprecaite any kind and wise words because I do need support and maybe thats the first step in healing from this break up.

You sound as if you have a firm grasp on things. Value yourself a bit more. Why should you fix anyone who isn't making an effort to fix themself?

You're not looking for a child to bring up, but a partner to share your life and put in equal effort. You would only settle for less if you don't value yourself enough.

And all the time you're out and about with the wrong partner, the right one isn't going to approach you. You've made a very positive step.

M I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. You are further along the road to enlightenment than I am, if that's any encouragement at all! take care, and put yourself first (memo to self as well!)

Oh Anorak thanks so much, thing is I'm doing really hard work in my therapy, and lately I'd realised I'd put this guy on a pedastil, I've always been in destrctive relatinships, very bad relationship with dad etc, I think I got such a land this time because I thought I wouldnt repeat the same tired old pattern and its the letting go now thats really going to challenge me, as I said it will prob be the making of me, but right now all my old feelings of abandonment are surfacing and I feel like a child that wants to be held,I said something to my dd19 who is an angel disguised as a daughter, it's not about meeting the right man, it's about meeting the right me! Still loads of raw pain at the mo tho

Thanks Ninah and hun for what it's worth, we are all students on lifes journey and you have been a source of great comfort, I really hope things work out for you too.

Gonna head over to chat for a bit, try and take my mind off this (have managed to distract son with colouring book)thanks for the words of support Ninah and Anorak and if anyone else wants to contribute feel free and I'll check in a bit later.

I really know where you're coming from Mhamai. When I went through my therapy as a single mum of 2 I realised I'd been choosing the wrong partners because my mother (an abusive alcoholic) had trained me to associate love with a struggle, and to ignore my own needs in favour of others. It took therapy to make me see that I was perpetuating the pattern. During a very enlightening and often painful year, I broke up with the boyfriend I did love, but didn't get on with at all well as lovers. We were much better suited as friends, and after a long period of adjustment remain so to this day. I then resolved not to go out with anyone until I found a man who would make as much effort as I did, and show me the same respect I showed him. Six months later I met my dh. I also felt I needed to be held and loved like a baby (it's a response to all the years of having your own needs neglected, and being so bitterly let down by your parents). My wonderful dh did so, and made me a much stronger and more useful person. He filled my empty emotional stores so that I now have enough to give out to others again. He did for me what I'd tried to do for others for years, in the way you describe as being a 'fixer'. The difference between myself and my exes being that I didn't obstruct his efforts to manipulate him, I wanted myself fixed as much as he did and made as much effort. I'm sure you know exactly what I mean.

Before I could have someone like my dh I had to believe I was good enough to deserve him. Earlier in my life I didn't know I could hope for someone kind and loving who would observe my needs and build me into being the best me I can be. I would have thought there must be something wrong with him and subconsciously pushed him away.

You will get there, Mhamai. Sounds like you're well on your way to me.

Hi Anorak have just read your last msg and am sitting here with the tears flowing down my face at the very kind and true words you have just written, I so want to be loved but I'm starting to ralise as you said that I was seeking out the wrong types for somehow knowing deep down that they had nothing to offer me, God u'll have to forgive me I'm rambling a bit but its like I'm so aware now that I have been neglecting myself for years, I can never have the relationship I so craved with my dad, he used to beat me as a child and I was in so many abusive relationships, if it wasnt that for the last few yrs going through endless one night stands etc, I suppose because I was seeing this guy for a while I was a girlfriend and that helped my esteem, well at the start but then the cracks started to show,the iriony is I tried to scare him off to begin with and oh theres too much crap to go into but when it turned bad it turned really bad, with the result of a man that was initially all over me to one that had me running after and begging and I hated myself for it, it just became about him, I mean ffs in the last few wks he was deciding if he wanted us to be together or not and I was supporting him telling him like the typical fixer that I WAS! it's ok dear I'm here for you and sure look either way we can be friends while all the time a little voice inside was saying what about your needs? What about you? Well the little voice turned into a roar this wknd and although I'm doing the right thing it hurts like hell because right now I just want someone to hold me in their arms and take this pain away, at least on a posotive not I dont have the urge like before to run out and sleep with someone, just hope it stays that way, there is a guy who is interested in me but I've told him I cant go there, not now anyway, Oh God I'm sorry I'm allover the place and have warbled on something fierce but this really is helping me and Anorak I know I've said it already but thank you so much for your kind words.

Well I'm just like you Mhamai and Anorak and that made me fill up reading that,I've just ended yet another relationship cos I always seem to attract the bad ones and the good ones I push away,so I am a single mum of 2 again.

Hi Steph1974 aw hun I'm sorry your going thru the crap too but As a single mum of two myself I'm really hurting at the moment but I think finally I'm beginning to realise that I deserve better and I'm not going to put myself through this again, I think I will pay more attention to my gut feeling because they are usually right, now I know for the next few wks my emotions will prob go up an down like a yo yo, one minute angry the next sad etc but once and for all and it's not going to be easy but I'm going to put myself first and if I have to chant evey bloody day till it finally sinks in that I'm a good person who deserves love and kindness and mostly from myseld then I feckin will! ah that feels better and who knows Ninah1974 maybe we can help each other through this and someday if there is a dream partner to be found we can have a virtual party to celebrate an thank anorak! I know it's tough butthis really prooves the power of MN for me! first time thats happened today, cant be bad!

Well the way I see it is so what if I am 31,mother of 2 from different dads and still single,I would rather be single for the rest of my life than compromise on what I want and need to make me happy,so I'm just plodding along until the man of my dreams comes along and refuses to leave me alone no matter how much I push him away!

Hope everything works out for you,and when you get sad just remember I'm in the same boat!

Why plod along sorry Steph and this is msg to self too but I'm going to go out into that bloody mad wonderful world and grab it by the ba**ls, I've neglected myself so much and it's time to put myself out there again, ie girlfriens, outside interest etc, really hope things improve for you and we can look back at this thread some day an laugh.

Oh no,dont get me wrong,I go out with my friends and have a laugh,and I dont go out desperately trying to pull a man,I'm just saying that as far as a bloke is concerned I'll just keep living my life till the right one shows up!

Sorry,also everything is fantastic for me too,just cos I am single doesnt mean I cant be happy,I love life and just being with my kids,well,I love it and wouldnt change a thing at the moment,I am happy single but I know if the right man came along I'd be happy with that too.

Good on ye girl! an maybe for the next while because I so dont want to meet anyone for a while you can feel free to give me a virtual kick in the rear if I'm tempted to jump into the arms of someone just for the sake of it, dont mind admitting that I'll prob need support to stay strong but that something I wouldnt have done before so maybe I'm finally on the right path!

Ok,I'll be sure to give you a big kick up the arse if you do throw yourself at the first man passing by!

Cheers hun, oh crap wont go on an on but he's due up in the next half hr to get stuff that I left outside the door for him to get, though I wont go out to him, I know I'm going to get a bloody pang when I see him, even if it's from the safety of peepin from behind the curtain, shit shit shit sorry but I suppose it's just another stupid part of this bloody break up! well this very second he came took the stuff an went, well thats it then! I'd asked him to get smokes for me an leave them outside which he did an he sent me a txt just say they were outside and to take care of myself, god I feel like shite!

How are you today Mhamai?

Hi Anorak, Oh God I'm not doing this on purpose but I'm really down, I feel so depressed and empty. sorry.

I know. Just because you know you've done the right thing, doesn't mean you don't feel grief. You've just separated yourself from someone you love.

It takes time for the feelings you have to evolve into something more like a friend's love. Hang in there, it will get better.

I guess the feeling of emptiness is long-term, when you think about it. This person has not been replenishing your emotional stores, so when a crisis comes along there is nothing in reserve to bolster you up. My guess is that you have been looking to him for reassurance on a hand-sto-mouth basis and you're lacking the inner calm and strength that comes from being 'emotionally fed' long-term.

Which reinforces the fact that he wasn't the right person for you.