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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

********************It's over****************

91 replies

Mhamai · 02/11/2005 09:18

I was on a thread a while back because I was having problems in an early relationship, well we broke up for good yesterday and although the writings been on the wall for some time, well actually he kept me dangling for a few wks and dont get me wrong because I wanted to dangle! but I erupted at the wknd, got drunk and ranted into his voicemail stupid txts ect I feel like my world has just caved in and I suppose I just want sompe support, I mean I've gone through breakups and suvived and I know time is a great healer etc but its the pain I'm in right now that is killing me, I just feel so empty.

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Lonelymum · 06/11/2005 14:11

hey Mhamai, fo my sins, I am still sitting at the computer and here for support.

I just don't know what to say that will help you.

I only asked if he was the father of your children because I was trying to assess whether you were having to deal with heartbroken children as well as your own heartbreak. Even that is a crass thing to say as I am sure your children are very uspet too to have lost your partner, even if he wasn't their father.

steph1974 · 06/11/2005 14:12

Oh sorry do you have a child with him?Am confused now?!!

steph1974 · 06/11/2005 14:13

Oh no I get it now!!

Mhamai · 06/11/2005 14:32

It has affected my ds4 as he has told me that I should go to this guys house and say sorry and be friends again! The poor little mite is cut up too but whats worse is that because this guy isnt his dad he will prob just walk away without a backword glance. Having said that I'm still friends with a guy i went out with ages back who adores my son and is basically his dad tough not biologically. Oh crap I feel so f**ked up at the mo, I txt him and said I'd been asked out by someone else and that if it was really over to let me know, he said "you do whatever you want to do, if you want to you want to, it's up to you!" ffs I just want closure but it seems like he wont even give me that, and even as I'm writing this I can see how bloody teenagerish this whole bloody mess is! I hate myself for acting like a prise muppet but I swear it's like common sense has flown out the window and barking mad insane irational has dropped on my head, sorry folks! ps just to humiliate myself even further, in the last txt I said "If theres even a shredof you that still wants me, then please please please tell me otherwise put me out of my misery, I know let rip last wknd but you have kept me dangling for a month! please just tell me if you want me or just let me go" Sick bucket anyone? Oh God I feel like I'm cracking up!

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steph1974 · 06/11/2005 14:40

Oh dear!Thats it,no more texting!You know what some men are like,they only want you if they think they cant have you,well you know all this anyway.
If I ever get the urge to text my ex whom I'm still in love with I always go through the possible outcomes of sending the text,and after that I think,nah,I'll leave it!

steph1974 · 06/11/2005 14:41

Yeh sorry and if one of the possible outcomes of sending the text is either he'll ignore me or tell me to p*ss off then I dont send it for fear of that happening!

Mhamai · 06/11/2005 14:50

The stupid thing is, I really think at some level he still wants me, but the more I've read the other threads and how controlling and manipulitive other men have been, theres little light bulbs going off in my head saying, oh my God he's just like that, especially winding me up and then making out Im the moan nag etc, Oh F**k I just want to dissapear into a hole!

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steph1974 · 06/11/2005 14:56

My ex is the same,he says he loves me but only when I show no interest in him for a few weeks,if I have a weak moment which I have done in the past and I have say become upset when he has hugged me,you can see on his face that he's got me right where he wants me and then he'll act like he doesnt give a sh*t again for a while,so I now deliberately dont show any emotion towards him whatsoever,he came to pick my son up yesterday and shouted from inside the car as he was driving off "I do still love you you know".He just wants me to chase after him again but it isnt going to happen.

Mhamai · 06/11/2005 15:10

Oh Steph I swear one minute I want to kill him, the next I just want to be in his arms, I hate these mind games because I swear he's just playing with my head. The fact also that I've been holed up most of the week doesent help either, seriously I havent showered for two days and Im beginning too smell, sounds terrible but it's true, dont worry Ive been looking after ds4, have washed him at least! Oh sorry ramblin here but hopefully this time next week when Im back out in the land of the livin I'll have a clearer perspective, startin new job tomorrow and would normally have a bit of anxiety but now am petrified as its as a receptionist, how the f**k do I smile for the day, when Im broken inside? will also be seeing my counsellor tues and then have college Fri/Sat so at least will be busy. Sorry for ramblin and thanks girls for puttin up with me.

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steph1974 · 06/11/2005 15:13

Keeping busy will definately help you,just try to refrain from texting!!Good luck with the job,and things will get easier soon.

Mhamai · 06/11/2005 15:16

Thanks Steph

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Lonelymum · 06/11/2005 15:49

Mhamai, a man who messes you up like he is doing is not the right man for you. I know you want him, but he doesn't sound good for you. You say you want closure: give it to yourself by not texting him anymore, don't sit there waiting for him to give you closure. There you again, asking him to "do what he wants with you". Take control. This is it. You are going on alone without him. Tomorrow you are starting a new job and you will be a new woman.

Mhamai · 06/11/2005 16:04

Thanks lonelymum, I know I have to put myself first and that if someone genuinely cared about me they would'nt be treating me this way, it's just not easy for me at the mo to switch off, my emotions are all over the shop, one minute saying to myself "the stupid pri* doesent deserve you" To "Oh God why doesent he want me" I know on a rational level this has more to do with my esteem issues and really less to do with him, I just wish I could fast forward the next few months when I know I'll be over this but at the mo my head is up my hle!

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stressedmummy · 08/11/2005 10:39

Hi there mahmai.
How did the new job go?
I should be working today, but have a very poorly ds1, so have taken the day off to look after him.

Mhamai · 16/11/2005 13:22

I havent been on for a bit but am on now and would just like wordsof encouragement etc, although it's heading for two weeks since the split I'm still feeling incredibly raw! I'm determined to get through this but would really appreciate any support as I just feel hearbroken and so sad right now

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ninah · 16/11/2005 13:37

hello M sorry to hear you're feeling so bad, don't know what to say except the usual cliches ...
Doesn't sound like HE made you happy though, it's more the idea of him ...
you haven't been in touch again have you?
What new job? good? xx

steph1974 · 16/11/2005 13:40

Have you managed to refrain from texting whilst drunk etc?I hope so.

What is the situation at the moment?

Mhamai · 16/11/2005 14:06

Well job didn't pan out, bad pay, only 30minute break for full day, I also had a nasty experience sun/mon morning. I went to a nightclub and got [stupidly very drunk] I was with this guy and I stress! I had every intention of going with him iykwim! His friend was driving and I assumed he was going to drop us to this guys place, I live near the Dublin mountains and before I knew what was happeing we were up in the Dublin Hills, with them both looking for kicks, I told them it wasn't happening so they dumped me out of the car in the middle of nowhere.

I rang the police but not before one of the creeps came back and tried to get me to get into the car, somehow I had the sense to tell him that the police were on their way, so he just took off,the police were great and I've to ring them this afternoon, I feel so stupid and to make matters worse I had rung my ex but his phone was off and he didn't hear my msg till the next morning.

I feel very depressed and stupid and tbh I havent left the house for the last coupleof days, I know I have to go out tomorrow but I'm terrified! Please dont lecture me as I know I made a stupid stupid mistake but right now I just want to crawl into a hole!

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steph1974 · 16/11/2005 14:19

No lecture from me,poor you,some men are wa**ers arent they?You were very lucky that they just threw you out of the car,they could have just gone for what they wanted anyway.I totally understand why you did it too,you just wanted someone to want you so you dont feel so bad,been there,done that,and as for contacting your ex,depending on what you said on the message I would leave another if you have humiliated yourself on it and say something like you were stranded or something and thats the ONLY reason you contacted him,and then leave it at that.However,if you did start asking for him back,crying on the phone message or whatever then I would just let it lie,dont contact him again,can you not delete his number or do you know it off by heart?

I am sorry the job didnt go as you wanted it,I guess it means you have more time to sit and think now,but in a way that can be a good thing sometimes as you can sit and work through everything in your mind.Dont know if I have said before but if I am about to contact my ex I always think of the outcome that I dont want,say he could turn round and tell me to f**k off on the phone,and I think of how upset I would feel if that happened and that puts me off calling him,and it also goes without saying in most cases that if you dont call him for a while the chances are he'll start to wonder why,if you've moved on or got someone else and he would probably end up calling you in the end.

Chin up anyway,hard to do I know,I am as you know a single mum of 2 from different relationships,both a complete disaster,31 years old,never engaged let alone married and cant see anything like that happening to me in the near future either so you are far from being the only one who thinks "Why does everyone else seem to manage to find a decent bloke except me?" cos I am totally with you on that one.

Mhamai · 16/11/2005 14:48

Hi Steph1974 thanks for your lovely comforting words, I am detemined to learn from this whole sorry mess, it's just that it seems so bloody hard at the mo, I'm sure I'll be a lot better a month or two down the line I just wish I could fast forward it, I'm taking some vitamins and natural remedys, I went out and bought angel cards, even a book on break ups which is quite good, I know I need to have a relationship with myself, anyway I'm starting to ramble but thanks for your support.

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steph1974 · 16/11/2005 14:51

No worries,I recently split from my toyboy,wasnt seeing him long but I really liked him,but we split cos he drank too much for me to be able to take things any further,so thats another failed relationship to add to my list,and I honestly cannot see me in the future happily married etc.I think I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life.

We can both be miserable together.

anorak · 16/11/2005 14:58

Mhamai, good to hear from you, not so good that you're feeling so low. I've certainly done things that were risky and stupid out of loneliness and feeling that someone's arms around me might fill a need. But in the long run it just leaves you emptier. What arseholes those guys were! I hope the police throw the book at them.

Mhamai · 16/11/2005 15:42

Steph1974 I think your decision to not put up with your ex dp's drinking was a very brave and wise one, I dont think I'm destined to be alone but I think I have a lot of work to do on myself, hi again Anorak, good to hear from you, something I dont think I mentioned before but I was raped when I was 18 as well as the physical/sexual abuse from my dad and I think it's because I havent really dealt with them propely that has me realising I really need to look at it properly now but a big part of me just wants to bury my head in the sand.

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anorak · 16/11/2005 15:46

Anyone who's been through that kind of trauma would benefit from psychotherapy, in my opinion. I did it and it changed my life. Made me value myself more and stop choosing relationships that were destructive to me.

Mhamai · 16/11/2005 15:51

You see Anorak I've been with this therapist 6 months but I'm wondering would being with a female therapist be better who is specialised in Rape etcor should I stay where I am? so confused!

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