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Original poster

DH, Drugs and Me....

88 replies

oldbeforemytime · 23/09/2003 17:09

I'm hoping that some of you worldly mumsnetters can give me a bit of perspective on this...

When DH and I met we used to go out clubbing a lot and recreational drug use was part of our social life. Since becoming pregnant i've lost interest in clubbing etc byt DH hasn't. He has (after much pleading ) cut down how often he goes clubbing and rarely disappears abroad or to the other side of the country any more.

But, he still does a lot of drugs when he goes out and at the moment we have about 200 pills in our freezer, apparently it's cheaper to buy in bulk....

I could tolerate all this but DH feels betrayed that i no longer enjoy clubbing and getting off my face. I've tried going out straight but TBH I find it a bit of a let down and it just doesn't seem worth the effort, also I find Dh and his clubbing mates a bit ridiculous when thry're monged. My refusal to go out is causing massive problems and at the w/e DH said he thinks we should separate as i've lied about who I am and he can't understand why I've changed. He was drunk at the time but it's a recurring theme.

I'm not interested in all that except on the stereo and given that he's pushing 40 (i'm a lot younger) I find him a bit sad and desperate. Any tips on getting him to accept that I find all that boring and would rather watch a video?

Sorry this is so long!

OP posts:
wiltshire · 23/09/2003 17:43

Ummmmmmmmm, this is a hard one as something similar happened to me years ago. I was the one who wanted to continue raving and he wanted to stay at home. I did cut down but we ended up splitting up anyway over other things. Thing is I was a lot younger than I presume you are now. I have always maintained that 'you cannont make someone do what they don't want to'. They have to make that decision themselves. I reckon he will get bored with it all eventually. In the meantime, unfortunately you have to decide if you want to wait. Sorry I am not being much help really.

pie · 23/09/2003 17:47

er...am I missing something? You're pregnant and he is 'feeling betrayed' by the fact that you are not going out clubbing and taking drugs???

Do you already have children, do you think that you will be ok with this behaviour when your baby arrives? Does he even realise how 'feeling betrayed' by your change of lifestyle is the most ridiculous thing ever??

Sorry, don't know what to say, I just can't get my head around someone not understanding why you have changed your lifestyle and why they would even threaten separation. Sad and desperate maybe right.

doormat · 23/09/2003 17:54

Sorry but I think he needs a good kick up the arse.
How dare he give you an ultimatum like this. Sorry I really dont want to offend you but you do not need this shit.If you dont want to take them dont. But you do not need your relationship on the line coz you wont do them.
I dont know whether you have any children or pg etc as it doesnt say but what about the childrens needs in all this.OK we all need a night out once in awhile but not to get tonked up with drugs.
I am not anti-drug neither, I believe that we all have a choice and not alot of drugs are addictive, that the media like to portray.
I get the impression it is 'E' we are talking about here. I have never had one but my dh has in his younger years and he totally flipped out on 2 tabs and went into a paranoia mode for months.This was before I met him but he never goes near them.
What has happened to you is that you have grown up, it is a pity he cannot respect your decision to not take drugs and grow up a bit himself.

Original poster
oldbeforemytime · 23/09/2003 17:56

DD is 3, I'm unwilling to have another child with him as he was a complete prat all the way through my pregnancy and DD's first year. I'm 27, he's 37. I can live with him going out clubbing and even some aspects of the drug-taking, that's why I feel so stuck, i'm not trying to stop him doing anything, but apparently that's not enough.

OP posts:
doormat · 23/09/2003 18:00

oldbeforemytime, I really feel for you. I dont blame you for not wanting another child at the moment.Love and hugs but please dont allow him to give you ultimatums like this, you dont need it.

Angiel · 23/09/2003 18:08

Aren't you worried that your dd might find the pills? Doesn't she ever go rummaging in the freezer? I wouldn't want one in the house, let alone 200!

How long does 200 tablets last anyway? That seems like a lot for personal use and they must have cost a fortune.

I suppose I'm anti drugs really and I wouldn't want my children to grow up thinking they were the norm. I'd be tempted to let him go if he's going to carry on like this, he really needs to grow up.

fio2 · 23/09/2003 18:10

200 is alot for E's, is he dealing them aswell? You could get into alot of trouble for that many being in the house. Feel for you though.

doormat · 23/09/2003 18:23

Angiel yes I was just about to make that point.
OBMT get them out of the house tonight. Look how many little ones have died when taking an e by accident. Dont want to scare you but it happens.

Angiel · 23/09/2003 18:33

It did cross my mind as well that he could be dealing, as that does seem an excessive amount to have in the house.

How is he around your dd when he is off his face? I think the consequences of having this many pills around is just too scary.

mieow · 23/09/2003 18:34

200 Es!!!!!!! bloodly hell, I used to go raving and yes I took drugs but I only ever had two at the most. Now we are settled down and have 3 kids clubbing is a long distance dream of mine. DH still smokes puff and I can just about stand this, but only just!!! If he EVER brought anything like Es or speed into this house I would throw him out fast and he knows that, I really wouldn't want 200 Es in my freezer my DDs are always in there getting lollies out and you must have read about the poor 10 yr old that died after taking 5 Es......... please get rid of them sharpish

sobernow · 23/09/2003 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

codswallop · 23/09/2003 18:54

Was it mainly your lifestyle you have in common? do you like each other the rest of hte time?

pie · 23/09/2003 18:59

Sorry I read it like sobernow and thought that you were pregnant now, but 200 pills in the house with a 3 year old is dangerous, please get rid of them.

Enid · 23/09/2003 19:08

I agree with others here, felt vaguely sympathetic when I thought you were pg for the first time now just think he's a sad t**t. A couple of old raving friends of mine still take E's at 40 and I find it hideous. Get those pills out of the house now!!!

aloha · 23/09/2003 19:20

TBH I felt too old for clubbing at 25. Can't bear it at 40. Your dh sounds stuck in a lifestyle where people will be laughing at him for being a stupid old git. MY dh works in the music industry but never takes drugs. He seems really respected to me. Drugs in the house is dangerous with a kid. For God's sake, he should just grow up. He IS sad and desperate. I personally find the whole scene around drugs tiresome, I can't imagine having them around children. I was so incredibly angry when a friend of mine brought her useless, tosser boyfriend to our wedding and getting clearly and obviously off his face, partly because I don't want drugs around my stepdaughter or my goddaughter who were both present. No idea on how to get all this through to him, but get those drugs out of the house NOW. You could both go to prison for them and then what would happen to your dd?

lucy123 · 23/09/2003 20:04

have to agree with everyone else here!

Mind you, like Aloha, I stopped feeling comfortable with clubbing at about 25.

200 pills in the freezer is a ridiculous and pointless risk - if he is telling the truth and really did only buy in bulk because its cheaper, then he should think again about the possible costs of his "savings".

And you haven't lied about who you are: you've grown up and he obviously hasn't. Stick to your guns!

Original poster
oldbeforemytime · 23/09/2003 20:39

Thanks everyone. Yes, legally he's a dealer, morally (?) he's not because he doesn't make any money from it. In fairness, the pills are in a locked box in the deep freeze in the garage so no chance of DD getting them. I find his attitude towards all this hard to understand as when we stayed with his bro recently DH slagged him off to hell for chain-smoking dope around DD and her 18m old cousin, so maybe there's hope.

When he goes out he does drop around 5 pills in an average night (don't make them like they used to, apparently)but no longer takes speed or charlie. Weirdly I do find him easier when he's been on the pills than when he's been drinking, he's a particularly nasty drunk. Although I would love him to give up all that I accept that he isn't ready to do so yet, my main problem is his anger that I won't join in any more. I thought that was more to our relationship than clubbing etc, we were only together a year before i got pregnant so it's not as if he hasn't had time to see that clubbing was only a tiny part of who I am/was.

Posting on here has made me realise that lots of his reasons for doing what he does are pretty unintelligible, and too tedious to explain.
Good to know that you don't think i'm a hypocritical kill-joy though.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldbeforemytime · 23/09/2003 20:44

Oh, and as for liking each other generally, probably not at the moment. I think i've married my dad, highly-intelligent, highly sociable but a domineering, opinionated, selfish bully with me....DH just thinks I'm a C**t, or so he spent 5 hours telling me at the w/e.

Thanks again, I have posted before but needed further anonymity for this, a few of my mum friends use the site too and they have no idea.

OP posts:
Angiel · 23/09/2003 20:53

Well to be honest I'm amazed you are so accepting. How could you let your bil smoke dope around your dd? I won't let anyone smoke cigarettes around my children (and I smoke myself), I'd go mad if I thought anyone had taken my kids into a druggy environment.

Your dh is a dealer for god sake, doesn't this bother you? Sorry if I seem rude, but I just think that is a totally crap way of life for your dd. Will he be selling to her friends when she is older?

I am conscious of the fact that you have obviously changed your name and I hope I haven't upset you.

Angiel · 23/09/2003 20:55

If anyones a , it's him. I don't think he sounds intelligent at all, a sad git yes, intelligent no.

hmb · 23/09/2003 20:59

The 'needs 5 because they don't make them like they used to' sound more to me that he is becoming more and more psychologically dependent on these drugs. I think that you have every right to be worried. You also have a right to be treated with love and respect.

aloha · 23/09/2003 21:03

I think cocaine is an utterly tedious drug. Please don't let him drag you down. You deserve better. You are not a kiljoy.

Original poster
oldbeforemytime · 23/09/2003 21:15

I'm accepting of his drug-taking because I don't have any other choice if I want DD to grow-up with 2 parents, and as my dad was not immune to a bit of charlie and I've been through my own experimental phase I'm not of the opinion that recreational drug use is akin to being a crack-addict. As for dealing to DD's friends, I don't think so!

As for the thing with BIL, DH has a near non-existent relationship with his family, he's the star witness for the prosecution in a case against his father, it's endless. It was the second time i'd met the guy, it was his house and I was stuck there and felt that the most I could do was keep the kids out of the way Oddly enought the drug thing is actually a very small problem which I'm probably over-reacting to, when compared to the other stuff going on. I'm upset because he seems unable to accept that i've moved on and that I'd rather he further modified certain behaviours.

As for having stuff around, he points out that we have alcohol, bleach etc which DD could get to with minimal effort so there's no shifting him.

OP posts:
Angiel · 23/09/2003 21:21

If you can live with the fact that he takes drugs and also deals fair enough. You also said though that he is a domineering, opinionated, selfish bully. Surely this is a good enough reason to get things sorted out.

It seems to me that this is history repeating itself, you married a man like your father, do you want your daughter to end up with a man like hers?

katierocket · 23/09/2003 21:22

oldbeforemytime I feel really sorry for you, he sounds very selfish and unable to see how unreasonable his behaviour is.

I think it's important that you think long and hard about what this behaviour tells you about his priorities.

Your comments "oddly enought the drug thing is actually a very small problem which I'm probably over-reacting to, when compared to the other stuff going on." really illustrate how bad things must be.

Can you/would you consider asking him to leave or getting out yourself for a few days/weeks - just to have some breathing space. It may sound extreme but it sounds like you are at a fairly desperate stalemate with him and I don't think he's going to change while you continue to accept it