DH, Drugs and Me....

[oldbeforemytime]

I'm hoping that some of you worldly mumsnetters can give me a bit of perspective on this...

When DH and I met we used to go out clubbing a lot and recreational drug use was part of our social life. Since becoming pregnant i've lost interest in clubbing etc byt DH hasn't. He has (after much pleading ) cut down how often he goes clubbing and rarely disappears abroad or to the other side of the country any more.

But, he still does a lot of drugs when he goes out and at the moment we have about 200 pills in our freezer, apparently it's cheaper to buy in bulk....

I could tolerate all this but DH feels betrayed that i no longer enjoy clubbing and getting off my face. I've tried going out straight but TBH I find it a bit of a let down and it just doesn't seem worth the effort, also I find Dh and his clubbing mates a bit ridiculous when thry're monged. My refusal to go out is causing massive problems and at the w/e DH said he thinks we should separate as i've lied about who I am and he can't understand why I've changed. He was drunk at the time but it's a recurring theme.

I'm not interested in all that except on the stereo and given that he's pushing 40 (i'm a lot younger) I find him a bit sad and desperate. Any tips on getting him to accept that I find all that boring and would rather watch a video?

Sorry this is so long!

Legally and morally he's a dealer, ther's no difference between the 2 IMHO, profit or no profit.

You're not being a kill joy, he's being an ar*e! Like it or not, life changes when you become a parent. 90% of the time you have to be a mature adult, no more reliving your misspent youth. Of course, there should always be fun in your life but you have to start being responsible when you bring another life into the world.

I agree with HMB, sounds like he's becoming more dependent on the drugs.

Alcohol and bleach are legal and (ignoring the health risks) won't end up with DD in care and her parents in prison if she gets at them.

I've never taken drugs or been interested in taking them and can't see any need to take them, or any justification for taking them. The argument 'recreational use' doesnt really wash with me. So no surprise that I think your dh's behaviour sucks big time. Dealing and taking drugs stinks, there is no excuse for it and I do feel for you, I can't imagine what I would do in similiar circumstances. As for the bleach argument... WHAT???? there are acceptable and unacceptable risks in every aspect of life, comparing stashing drugs and keeping cleaning products is bollocks. Your situation sounds very sad but I dont think you can keep justifying his behaviour or tuning a blind eye.

I suspect his dysfunctional relationship with his father is a big part of why he finds it so hard to be a father himself. He is wrong though, and you are right. Your dd deserves better, and you sound like a fantastic mother. Just brilliant. Follow your instincts here. Really, I used to be pretty funky in a time when everyone took drugs. Doesn't make it right around kids though.

Ok I haven't read all of this thread but enough to add my opinion, right if you get caught with these pills whats going to happen?

1 You'll have a house full of police officers rummaging through your stuff, scaring your daughter.

2 Do you honestly think that social services are going to allow you to keep your daughter after all he IS dealing from your home.

3 Both of you will go to prison - this is a class A substance (the same as heroin)

4 You may not get to see your dd grow up.

Is this how you see your future? You have perhaps been a bit naive in your approach to the matter, get the pills and give them to your dh, explain that you love your dd soooo much that they have to go or you risk loosing her forever be it by her accidentaly taking some or by social services deeming you an unfit mother.

Not that you are an unfit mother but that is not the way that they'll view it. How many dealers do you think say "it's not mine" or "I've never seen it befor"? Oh just about all of them - even the ones who traffic it into the country.

So take action and do something about it, tonight befor the police do.

HI oldbeforemytime. You ask for tips on getting your dh to accept that you find his drug taking, clubbing lifestyle boring? difficult one, that.

I have lived with, and been close friends with people who take 'too many' drugs. In your shoes I would phone narcotics anonymous, or any local drug dependency group and talk it through with them.

Also, keep a clear idea in your head of what makes you happy and what you want to do with your time. Don't do what your dh wants you to do unless it makes you happy. Detatch yourself. Be as selfish as he is. Let him see you getting on with life minus lots of drugs and clubs. I get the impression that you still love him and that in lots of ways he is a good man. Be positive and let your dh know there's a big place for him in your life, but the way you live it is down to you, not him.

Whoa, sorry OBMT, didn't realise you had a kiddie in the house. I know that my soon to be childminder smokes dope but if she ever done it in my house or around my kid, apart from knocking her out, I would shop her. I have made this extremely clear. Recreational drug taking is fine. But never around children. I could completely understand as I thought that you were having a first child and trying to cope with a difficult situation. But 200 'E's, pack your bags & get the fuck out. Before you lose your kids to social services. That alone in the freezer is enough for SS to take them. Apart from that, would you give one of your kids to someone on E to look after. Probably not, so why expose them to your DH who IMO, needs shagging with a sharp stick.

Sorry to be harsh, but you scared me when you said that you already had a kid.

OK, thanks for the messages, just want to make very clear he does not and has never had sole reponsibility for her after a big night out. Generally I go out, visit friends or family so he can sleep.

I cannot completely condemn him, believe me he has had a shit life and his bohemian parents dropped tabs etc all the time, so he thinks it's kind of normal. Growing up with divorced parents was hell for me and I will do whatever I can to make sure DD doesn't go through what I did. honestly, dad sticking stuff up his nose didn't do the damage that being stuck between 2 families did.

He's not the kind of person for whom ultimata work and TBH he's not the kind of person who'd attract attention from the police, we do not have people calling round the house and he doesn't hang around outside phone boxes.

I think we need to work on other issues in our lives and relationship and once those are resolved this may fall into place.

I know a couple, both teachers, who take class A drugs regularly. They have a 7 year old daughter who doesn't realise this. They are loving, caring, active parents. I hate the fact that they are drug dependent, but it would be criminal if their child was taken away from them. Both the parents are having counselling, and are trying their best to be clean, but it's a slow process with many relapses.

The prescribed medicinal 'alternatives' to the drugs that they store in their house would be just as lethal to a child as the drugs themselves. Many legal medicines are.

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When you have kids your life changes, it really is as simple as that! He sounds like a big kid who is not ready for the responsibility of having children. To be honest, I would never let anyone treat me and talk to me like that. They wouldn't be worthy of me. I agree it is generally speaking best for children to grow up with 2 parents, but not always. You should serioulsy consider how his behaviour will affect your dd. Remember that you are her role model and if you let yourself be walked all over (which it looks to me like you do), then she will learn that this is fine to accept.

anon6 like you one of our best friends is a heroin addict. He is a really lovely, kind human soul.I know exactly what you mean.

OBMT I think you are extremely brave and courageous coming here and telling your problem and fears.

IMO alcohol and paracetamol are more dangerous than some illegal drugs.

Lets all get together and help this young girl out with our collective advice. It is quite obvious she is very unhappy with her situation.

What I meant to say was IMO cannibas is not as bad as alcohol.Alot of you will disagree but that is my opinion.

I am sure drug addicts can be nice and caring people, but I don't think it is a good idea for them to have a child in their care while affected by any drug. If you have to take drugs or get drunk, then get a babysitter for the night!

Look, I can see this thread is going to disintegrate into 'drugs are bad! Fags are worse!' type debate. Please don't. Yeah yeah yeah we all smoked dope and took party drugs but I would still rather have a glass of wine in front of my kids than half an E. Cannabis is probably less harmful than alcohol but people who smoke a lot of it often end up being confused mongers who have sudden and terrifying mood swings.

OBMT, I sense that there is a part of you that feels a bit sad that you have moved on from all that. Calling yourself 'oldbeforemytime' gives that away. You won't change your partner. You need to work on changing yourself and accepting that you have grown up.

If you were my 'real' friend, I would be sickened that you had to take your child out for the day while your dp slept off his hangover. I have a 3.5 year old dd and she doesn't miss a trick. I feel sick if dp and I row in front of her over whose turn it is to do the washing up for gods sake, the thought of having a five hour row where I was called a c**t makes me shudder.

I came from a background where it was normal to scream and shout and smash things up. My parents also felt strongly that they shouldn't subject us (the children) to divorce, so they stayed together even though they had terrifying, violent, drink-fuelled rows on a weekly basis. I would NEVER put my children through that. I used to pray that they would get divorced so that I could finally have a peaceful, calm existence. Just remember that when you think its better to stay with an abusive, addictive partner than start out on your own.

Sorry if this is harsh...underneath all this I could cry for you, and I feel very glad that you posted. Love E x

Enid apologies if it seemed I was doing this, I wasnt I was just giving my opinion and now I can see it as wrong.Sincerely apologise but I stand by my last statement.
We should be all helping OBMT without getting on her back.

Poor you. I do know you you feel. I spent my late teens/early twenties with a junkie and my late twenties with an alcoholic (Supposedly reformed but fell off the wagon spectacularly half way through our relationship) Both were controlling in their own ways and both were experts at subterfuge and deceit. I grew to believe their behaviour was normal.

Then one day - aged thirty - I woke up. I became friends with a nice 'normal' bloke who I was too stupid to notice was fantastic at first. (Something about me had a ridiculous attachment to 'dangerous' men - echoes of my father - blah, blah) But I was working with him every day and one day realised I was totally and utterly in love with him. (The feeling, thank god, was mutual)

The only problem we had when we started our relationship is that he didn't like my recreational drug use. I took coke and sometimes e's once a month at the most or when at parties. I came close to losing him because I couldn't accept what I saw as his 'censorious' behaviour. (Unlike virtually everyone I knew I was truly recreational in my drug use - one or two lines was enough to satisfy me and the thought of doing it regularly was anathema) His problem was he couldn't understand why I needed to get 'out of it'. Why couldn't I just enjoy life as it is? He felt 'unconnected' to me when I was off my head and didn't want to take them himself. (And neither did I want him to if he didn't want to)

That was eight years ago. At the age of thirty two I realised it wasn't worth losing the best thing that had ever happened to me for the sake of a few artificial highs. I also realised that there was something inherently sad about taking drugs well into your thirties. I remember being at clubs in my twenties sniggering at the old bloke in the corner off his head. I now realise that the 'old bloke' was probably the same age as I am now.

Your bloke sounds like he is desperately clinging to his youth. And I have to say if a three year old daughter won't make him change his ways then nothing will. I'm Pg with our first and know that life can never be the same. You are still young and have come to the point in your life that most of us do - you've grown up. I would advise that you look at what it is about you that is attracted to blokes like your partner. Once I realised that I was romantically attached to all the baggage of men like him (Both of my exes had terrible childhoods too ) but that it wasn't healthy for me I was able to move on.

I know you have a three year old but he's not worth sticking with. Trust me. You deserve better. You are young enough to find better. And I hope, like me, you have an epiphany when you meet someone who shows you what love really means.

Sorry that this is so long and I hope it doesn't sound preachy. Your message just struck such a chord - it could have been written by me at 27.

Calling myself Oldbeforemytime has nothing to do with my feelings of regret, it's just something that DH and others say about me. Yes, I have very happy memories of taking drugs and having a great time, but certainly don't wish myself back. I have a very good life in lots of ways and this is something that I'm struggling with.

FWIW DD thinks nothing of leaving daddy to sleep as we sometimes have to do that if he's been called into work in the night anyway. The 5 hour row went from 10pm-3am and there was no shouting or screaming, we tend to do the deadly quiet, calculatingly mean type rows. DD slept throughout, I could hear her snoring. There was nothing for her to pick up on the next day as we slept in the same bed, we both took her to nursery and chatted about Winnie the pooh together.

My problem is that DH still buys in bulk and that he's so angry that I'm unwilling to join in any more. I'm not entirely opposed to taking drugs, I just think there's a time and a place, and that we're no longer in it.

This is absolutely my last post, there are other factors in this that I can't post about which has probably given the wrong impression to some people, posting was clearly a bad idea but I'd been "stewing" so didn't think things through.

There have been some really supportive, helpful posts and i do appreciate those.

doormat, I actually agree with you, just didn't feel this was the place, don't apologise, keep posting x E

OBMT, you have to work this through in your own way but I'm glad you posted, good luck with it all x E

Enid, no I was wrong but thanx.
OBMT I have been very worried about you, please dont feel you cant post. You have problems and maybe we can all help you with our shared experiences.That is what mumsnet is for.
LOL and hugs to you.