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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's had a one night stand

89 replies

LittleDonkin · 04/04/2011 13:43

I found out on Saturday night that my husband slept with someone else 10 days ago.

I found out by looking on his facebook and she had sent him a message asking what was going on because he said he was single and he quite obviously isn't. So I started a conversation with her stating I was his wife and asked her what had happened. I confronted husband who said he had no idea who she was and she must be a loon so I said right I am going to ring your brother and he said fine so I picked up his mobile and guess what there where 3 unread texts messages from the women asking what was going on and to read her message on facebook only then did he admit what he had done.

It happened on his birthday. His brother came to stay and they went out. They did not come home until 6.45am and then went straight to bed. I asked him where he had been until that time and all I was told was a nightclub.

This is as far as I am aware the first time he has actually slept with someone else but in the past he has been messaging girls either through facebook or text. Everytime I have found these messages he has promised that it will never happen again and that he loves me.

I just dont know what to do my family are 2.5 hours away as my husband is in the services and I live on camp with him. When I found out I was adamant that I wanted to go to my mums so I rang her but she wasnt answering so in the heat of the moment I rang my sister who knows all about his previous and she was obviously very upset. I got hold of my mum told her what had happened and asked her to pick me up the next day which she said of course she would. After ringing my mum husband came upstairs grabbed hold of me and told me he loved me and didnt want me to leave. I got all emotional and then I started asking questions about what had happened and he said he couldn't remember because he was pissed. I rang me mum back and told her not to pick me up as we were talking about it.

Yesterday I was trying to act like nothing had happened because if I actually think about it I feel like chopping his dick off and feel physically sick at the thought of him shagging someone else.

Today I just feel numb. I dont know what to do. I feel like I am being soft because he is still in the house and he is still in our bed (I must point out that there has been no touching or anything of the like)

We have our daughters christening on Sunday and I dont know how to deal with it. I asked him today how he would feel how if I told his mum what he has done and he said he doesn't want her to know but if she asks me how I'm feeling or if something is the matter I will tell her. Why should I lie? I have done nothing wrong. I'll add that his dad cheated on his mum and she left him.

I am trying to stay positive around DD but I dont know how long I can stay like this.

OP posts:
Bucharest · 04/04/2011 13:46

I'm sorry.

I also doubt it's a one night stand given what you have said about his past behaviour, and the fact you've caught him out in a fair few lies just over this particular girl.

I'd be packing those bags and not looking back sweetheart.

mumblechum1 · 04/04/2011 13:49

What Bucharest said.

Total and utter deal breaker imo.

GypsyMoth · 04/04/2011 13:49

it doesnt sound good long term,sorry

LittleDonkin · 04/04/2011 13:51

The previous messages have never been involving this girl.

OP posts:
LittleDonkin · 04/04/2011 13:52

Not that it makes it any better knowing they didnt know each other until they met 10 days ago while I was at home worrying where he was.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 04/04/2011 13:53

previous messages and this 'girl' all dont matter......its something he is seeking out,he's going out of his way to cheat on you

mouseface · 04/04/2011 13:53

What do YOU want to do? Do you want to stay with him? Not for DD, for you.

I'm sorry to say that he doesn't sound as though he wants to change his behaviour. If this isn't the first time, how can you be sure it's the last?

You have brushed the previous messages aside, with a warning to him, him promising it wouldn't happen again.

But it has, and worse.

You seriously need to consider why you are with him and what you stand to gain if you stay.

Looking as an outsider, I'd say you stand the chance of an STI, a life filled with doubt and insecruities, tears and regret, and a DD who's not quite sure if you are okay because of the brave face you paint on each morning.

Beasknees · 04/04/2011 13:54

He's not exactly how one might say, remorseful, though is he ? The 'i was drunk' line is a convenient excuse. I'm mean how did he think these random texts and facebook messages got to him - not by osmosis i would say

mouseface · 04/04/2011 13:54

'when I was at home worrying where he was'...............

Says it all really, he wasn't worrying about YOU was he?

AlistairSim · 04/04/2011 13:55

What is he going to do to make this bearable for you?

Does he have a plan or is he wanting to 'forget' about it?

mouseface · 04/04/2011 13:56

He gave her his number. She knows his last name and searched for him on facebook (fucking facebook).

He made no attempt to protect you from this.

MmeLindt · 04/04/2011 13:56

I agree with Bucharest, I am afraid.

If it were a one-off, then I might be willing to go to Relate, but he has donet his before. He is looking for opportunities to cheat, not getting carried away in the heat of the moment.

And he is not even bothering to be particularly sneaky, giving girls his mobile no or facebook details.

And I think it is telling that he went out to celebrate his birthday with his brother rather than celebrating with you - I find this odd.

Bucharest · 04/04/2011 13:57

I think the dealbreaker for me would be the barefaced denying he even knew her and making out she was some kind of bunnyboiler.
That is how much respect he has for women, any women.

Donkin- 4 posts in and you're already making excuses for him. Sad

Bucharest · 04/04/2011 13:59

Are you sure he was with his brother at all? I'd find it more likely it was a romantic birthday with his new girly. Is his brother covering for him?

mouseface · 04/04/2011 14:01

Spot on Bucharest re the excuses Sad

Donkin - stop, pause, take a breath and read back over your posts again. If this was your sister, if she'd called you, what would you say to her?

I'm thinking you already know. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to be unsure of what to do, of how to act. It's not okay to let this continue. On any level.

It's not okay for you or for your daughter.

Malificence · 04/04/2011 14:04

How old is this loser?
He is utterly immature/selfish and doesn't see cheating on you as a particularly big deal, his own brother is complicit in this too, so he's not even that careful to cover it up.
He is not emotionally mature enough for marriage or fatherhood - ask yourself how many more occasions will it take before you've had enough, for goodness sake don't go and live abroad with him - you were posting last week about not being sure about all this - this is make your mind up time before you are saddled with more kids with this unfaithful man.

AbsDuCroissant · 04/04/2011 14:07

I've never said this before, but this warrants it - leave him. Or lock him out - he doesn't deserve your love and respect.

How would you feel if someone was treating your DD like this? Is this the kind of father your DD deserves, because he's definitely not the type of husband you deserve

PeterAndreForPM · 04/04/2011 14:10

I feel really, really sorry for you

If you stay with this cheating tosser you face a life of insecurity and mistrust

You would be a fool to tolerate one more day of it

Would you like your daughter to grow up thinking this is all that women deserve ? Would you like her to stay with a man who treats his partner like this ?

Blow this wide apart, love, before he talks you around (again)

Tell his mother you want to stay in touch with her because of her gc and ask your mum to come and get you

Postpone the christening, and go and get some proper loving with your family

PeterAndreForPM · 04/04/2011 14:11

He says "one night stand" eh ?

That isn't what he told this poor OW is it ?

This man hates women.

LittleDonkin · 04/04/2011 14:16

He is 27.

He definatly went out with his brother and came back with his brother who apparently was "talking" to this girls cousin. His brother is singkle so I dont care what he got upto but I am pissed of that the next day his brother was talking to me like nothing had happened.

Hi Malificence - yep I was posting about him not getting involved with DD and moving abroad due to his posting. I agree its make my mind up time but at the moment my mind seems to have gone missing.

I spoke to him at lunchtime today asking how we would get over this how he would regain my trust and he sat there looking like an injured puppy saying "I dont know" I then asked him if he has any concievable idea how much he has hurt me and he said "yes" and just kept repeating he wont do it again and that he loves us which at this moment in time I am finding very hard to believe.

OP posts:
pompeyc · 04/04/2011 14:16

Hi, I am so so sorry this is happening to you but everyone else is right ... pack up and move on. He must have given her his number, his last name and accepted her as a friend on Facebook. Please for you sanity and self-respect get rid of this loser. Give your DDs a great big hug and move on.

LittleDonkin · 04/04/2011 14:18

We have already postponed the christening once last november due to the weather so I really dont want to mess people around again like my mum who has ordered the cake for the 2nd time and people have booked time off work again.

OP posts:
Malificence · 04/04/2011 14:19

Lets look at the bigger picture too.
He was pestering you for sex 8 weeks after you gave birth - caring, decent men do not do this.
He is not involved in any way with your beautiful baby daughter - again, caring, decent men are utterly in love with their babies and love spending time with them. .

He doesn't sound like a man who will ever be a good father or husband - I don't think he knows how to be, or is interested in developing his emotional maturity so he can be one.

Did he join up to get away from his family situation by any chance? It's a common occurence for young men with dysfunctional familes.

Malificence · 04/04/2011 14:22

I thought you were going to say he was 21/22 ish. Shock

He is old enough to be a fully developed adult at 27, sorry, I don't imagine him ever changing.

mouseface · 04/04/2011 14:22

Donkin

Look at the facts.

As I said before, he GAVE her his number.

He TOLD her his last name.

He LIED about knowing her or anything about her.

He went out WITHOUT you on his birthday knowing full well that night he WANTED to have sex outside of your marraige, not with you.

He has made NO physical attempt to repair the damage he has done.

He has made no attempt to cover his tracks because he LET her keep in touch with him.

He has NO respect for you or for your daughter.

He is NOT sorry he has cheated on you, he is only sorry he got CAUGHT.

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